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Issue #67

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Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

 

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley




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2004 The Beast

Beast-O-Scopes

by Andrew Gullerstein

 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Y'know Aquarius, I've tried being nice with you and wearing the kid gloves, because you have no self-esteem and are a genuinely sad person. Yet every time I attempt to show you some kindness, you turn around and stick it up my ass with relish. Well, the gloves are off, you manipulative little asshole, and I don't want you to be surprised when you no longer have your shield from reality. You see Aquarius, the reason you have no self-esteem is because you are worthless. It's just that simple. You've spent your entire life crying publicly and playing the "poor me" game in order to gain sympathy just to fuck your sympathizers as soon as you get a chance. You are a sad, worthless pile of organic matter and the world would be a better place if your parents had made a smarter assessment of their genetic value. Much like mixing bleach and ammonia, a combination from which only nausea and respiratory arrest come. Fuck you, Aquarius, you're on my cosmic shit list now. Hell, even the stars can't stay far enough away from your ick.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Well Pisces, no one can say that you didn't try. I mean some guys just fantasize about being able to blow themselves, but you made it your mission. All those special workouts and years of Yoga classes you attended just so that you might be the one. Yes, the one man that could fully pleasure himself and live free of the curse of woman. Hell, your dedication to this dream alone should have won you a Nobel Prize. Of course, that would be rather useless now that you're in traction and the doctors have given you very little hope that your neck vertebrae will ever heal. Please, Pisces, don't let the dream die. You may one day walk again; you may one day live your dream. Unless of course you get a bed sore, those damn things will kill you. Just ask Superman.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aires, for a hardcore lesbian you seemed rather interested in some dick. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just changes the whole dynamic that we've been operating under. The whole thing is just kind of weird and calls for a new set of guidelines to be established. It's sort of like discovering a new planet and not being sure if the native species are harmless Fraggles or those damned Ewoks. Yeah, I know what you're gonna say about the Ewoks but those fuckers were going to eat Han, Luke and Chewbacca. People like to forget that part. So, like I said, it's not a bad thing just weird and potentially cannibalistic.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Taurus, let me make this quick: You're an asshole. Just so we're clean on this. You're an asshole. I simply don't want there to be any confusion on the subject, you're an asshole and that all there is to it Taurus. But you should know this, being the asshole that you are. Not much else to say, asshole; I have to move on to more worthwhile people.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, you know that light switch in your front hall that doesn't seem to be connected to anything and every time you walk by you flick it about a dozen times? Well, you should stop that because there is a dude in Finland who is going to hop on a plane and kick the shit out of you. Believe me, sleep depravation can do that to you, and it takes a lot to piss of a Fin. Just because the switch doesn't do anything for you doesn't mean it doesn't do anything. You might think it's fun but that poor bastard's house looks like a Poltergeist frat house every time you can't control your urges. Have a heart Gemini, enough foreigners hate us without adding Finland to the list.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, the stars have told me your lucky number and said that it can change your life for the better if used properly. The number is "Zadnpf." Apparently it exists between fourteen and fifteen and hasn't been discovered by mathematicians as of yet. The stars also mentioned that it wouldn't be discovered for about three hundred years. So you're kinda fucked on this one Cancer. Have you considered investing in Cryogenics?


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, what can I say? You were right, the dumb ass was going to break his neck if he tried blowing himself. You should give him props because the paramedics told me that he actually did get it in his mouth just seconds before his neck broke. Basically, what I am saying is that I'm not really sure if I owe you the $25 because he technically was blowing himself before his spine snapped and the wording of the bet was that he would break his neck if he "tried" to blow himself. We can talk about it later. If you go to visit Pisces, just be sure to give him the "keep dreaming the dream" shit. It helps take his mind of being a cripple.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, it takes a man with gigantic balls and a heart of stone to drink another man's chocolate milk. Did you even think about what you were doing? Perhaps you just opened the fridge and said, "Hey, there's some delicious chocolate milk, nobody could be saving that." I hope you enjoyed every last drop of it before you buried the evidence in the garbage can like a dead hooker. All the while the true victim lay in his bed with dreams of sailing upon calm milk chocolate seas in search of chocolate chunk islands, only to wake to the ugly sting of betrayal. One day you'll pay for your treachery, Virgo, for the Devil will have his due.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, because you are a pain in the ass, the Cosmos and I are in agreement that from now on people should refer to their hemorrhoids only as "Libra" and do away with calling them hemorrhoids. That's all I have for you Libra; now go play on some train tracks.

 


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Scorpio, I know you've been wondering what would happen if you asked out that really hot chick at the coffee shop. Well, I conferred with the stars and have your answer. She would say "no," and you would be emotionally crushed. Then you would start parking outside the coffee shop every night just to stare at her through the window. Shortly after that you would begin to follow her home and park near her house until you saw all the lights go out. This would continue until you became increasingly bold. I really don't need to finish this Scorpio; just accept that asking her out is not a good idea. As for the girl at the deli? Well I have a feeling that her club foot will dance it's way into your heart. Well, maybe it won't dance.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Sagittarius my sweet, if you're going to walk around naked in front of your windows with the curtains open, then please have the decency to stick to a set schedule. I've wasted three sick days this week and it's gotten to the point where I am losing sleep trying to lock down the pattern, but you simply refuse to cooperate. How else am I going to know when to have the camera set up or my friends over? Have some decency, Sagittarius, because I really love tits.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn what the hell are you bitching about? You're the one that took the shitty job to begin with because you didn't "feel challenged" or some bullshit along those lines. Why don't you just be honest and say that you wanted to bring home more money than the pittance you were bringing home before. Hell, Capricorn, it's a capitalist society and you were just doing what comes natural. You could not have possibly known what a total fucking tool your boss was. I mean, he seemed like a normal guy at the time, beyond the fact that he had the personality of an unseasoned crouton. You had no way of knowing he wore powdered wigs, and spoke in an English accent during private "pants optional" meetings. Sure he makes you mad and often treats you like shit in front of the entire staff, but you have something he doesn't, Capricorn. You have a video of him perched naked on the conference table while shitting on the Founder's portrait and screaming, "This is my Mission Statement!" Now Capricorn, just give it a second and it will come…Let's see some capitalism.


 

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The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


2004 Timeline: The Year in Regret


[sic] - letters

CHEQUE YOURSELF
Mr. Uthman,

I found your magazine online through a link to your '50 Most Loathsome People' article. Great stuff. However, as a Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in your otherwise insightful 'O Buffalo' article:


Time Lies

Matt Taibbi

...What was great about Sullivan's "Year of the Insurgents" column last week was how beautifully it threw the rest of the "Person of the Year" issue into contrast. Here's Sullivan bitching about bloggers needing to stay on the margins where they belong; meanwhile, his "respectable" media company is joyously prancing back and forth along 190 glossy pages with George Bush's cock wedged firmly in its mouth.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."



 

Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."