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Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

 

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

 

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley




Contact Us

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© 2004 The Beast


[sic] - Letters

SOUNDS KINDA DERIVATIVE

To whom it may concern:

 I would like to present you with an idea for your newspaper.  I though of a great addition you can add that you can also put on the website to get more popular.  What do you think about a 'Dear Abby' section?  You can get your customers to email to 'Dear Abby' any concerns they have and need some advise on, questions they may need answers to, needing advise on family or love life or to just vent.  This was VERY popular in PA where I lived at before and gain alot of new customers that looked forward to 'Dear Abby' to not only see their answers but others to see what all was written to and from Abby.

If you would be interested in it, please contact me and we can go over details about it.  Also, I can be contracted so I would not have to be an employee if that works better.

Thank you and hope to hear from you.

Denise Johnson...Ticonderoga, NY

Dear Denise,

Keep hoping.


WE TOOK ONE WEEK OFF, PEOPLE

hey - did the beast fold? this would be horrible horrible news. i need a new issue like a junky needs a fix... –josh

Dear Josh,

Well, junky? You know what to do. On your knees, bitch!


BONE JONES

As a loyal reader for a long time, I would have to say that I am a little disconcerted with the fact that I can't find a new issue of the beast anywhere. I can only assume that something serious has happened (assasination, indefinate vacation at Gitmo, etc.) I'm sure that you are receiving plenty of e-mails and calls from paranoid readers, such as myself, fearing the worst. So is this the end of the only paper worth killing trees for in this city? A response would be nice, or hell, update the website. Throw us a bone Al. We are starving out here. 

Jeremy Bartlett

Dear Jeremy,

Consider yourself boned. At least you people are paying attention. Now somebody give us some money.


HEY TEACHER, LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE

To the editor of The Beast:

Joel Miller’s position (Dec. 22, 2004), though well meant, is misguided.  Protecting the Constitution is a far more important goal than protecting children at school.   This should be clear to more than just journalists fighting for their own rights under the first amendment.

Unfortunately, once again, we see school administrators take the cowardly way out.  The way that does the most they can do to protect their careers and their standing in the community.  By censoring young minds, you lose those young minds.  Instead of teaching the need to speak up against hate (crimes and speech of all kinds), you teach the dubious values of hypocrisy and self-promotion.  Bright kids can smell bullshit a mile away and City Honors is full of bright kids.

It takes courage to teach--courage not to bow down to power while standing for truth.  Teaching children not to bow down to outside authority while seeking truth is perhaps the most important mission an educator can aspire to.  This goes beyond protecting our Constitution; this gives birth to new generations capable of writing their own new constitutions.  The possibility of hated-filled actions being inspired by inflammatory writings in a student-published newspaper pales in comparison to the reality of the potential that is lost when censorship is brought to bear through misapplication of power in the hands of hypocrites.

Let us now bring to light the actions of these administrators.  Let’s understand the valuable lesson that was tossed aside in their rush to cover their own asses.  Bad writing--full of excessive emotion, overwrought ideas—is to be expected of the young person searching to find his of her voice.  Bad leadership—full of cowardice and power mongering—should not be allowed to flourish in anyone’s schools.

Richard Schultz

Dear Richard,

Why is it that the only time we get lengthy, coherent arguments from people is when we cover a controversy at a high school?


SPELLED “NIETZSCHE’S” RIGHT

On a lark, we drove from Rochester to Buffalo this Saturday night just "to hit a couple of bars." I've never really been to Buffalo in all these years, just around it or through it to get somewhere else. We went to Nietzsche's and in a nearby restaurant I picked up your paper.

I find your journalistic style a refreshing departure from the standard. I agree with tears in my eyes that Meet the Family was pathetic, a collection of overused ideas and actors that, if it didn't leave you feeling empty, you already were empty. I'm working my way through the Loathsome Americans.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said something to the effect that successful art is a thing that presents to the viewer/reader something he already knows but only subconsciously until seeing/reading it in the open - in the work of art.

That's how I felt when I started reading The Beast. I actually once started to write a piece along the lines of "1 beautiful white child...", but put it aside because I wasn't sure where I was going or why...

And, being in the media business as I am, I have to imagine it's fairly tough selling advertising for a publication like The Beast.

I'd like to at least buy you coffee. How do I subscribe, by check, not credit card?

Rich Gardner

Dear Rich,

It’s usually $26 for six months, but since you write for Rochester’s City Paper, we’re going to have to charge you double.


GET HER DRUNK, STUPID

“Colt 45: Everyone needs to try this at least once, even if it’s at a “ghetto” themed house party. Only available in 22 and 40 oz. containers (would it be any other way?).”

Never say never I guess.  I garnered new found respect (why I don’t know) from a charter bus full of fellow college classmates on a trip to Chicago when I returned from a party store in Northern Indiana carrying a 6 pack of Colt 45!  Not the wisest of choices I admit, but having never seen this swill in a can (I am surprised that the aluminum can could actually take the abuse and resist rusting away) I became immediately intrigued and of course had to have it.  The strangest thing was that everyone seemed to want one.  I was getting offers left and right asking if they could trade ‘up’ for the Colt 45.  Against my better judgment I only traded one away and drank the rest.  Needless to say it made the rest of the bus ride interesting and seemed to ‘raise my status’ with my fellow binge drinkers.

Just thought you might want to know…

Butters

Butters,

Come to think of it, we remember those old Billy Dee Williams commercials where he was backing into his apartment with some fine chocolate honey inside, grinning from ear to ear, always holding a sixer of Colt 45. “Works every time,” he’d say, just before closing the door. Creepy.


GOING COASTAL

Picked up a Beast on my bi-yearly pilgramage to the Buff to see my family. I currently live in Northern California. Oh, sure, we have our share of indy-politico rags here, but nothing nearly as edgy or funny. I must say, "Christmas in hell!" really warmed my heart and filled me with the holiday spirit. How can I get a sub to your fine publication? BTW, Tell Dr. Rotten his work is needed here.

Sean Re

Dear Sean,

Right. The Pacific Northwest needs advice on growing bud. Next thing you know, the Afghans will be asking us for tips on opium poppy horticulture.


BLEDSORE

If Ronnie were any DUMBER...he would be drafted by Bills fans to write for their dumbass newspapers! The Bills need 2 things to have a GREAT Team: 1) A BIG CENTER, 2) a third RECEIVER to play in the slot! STONEHANDS Reed just isn't making it....he's good enough to add depth! Bledsoe is by far the BEST player on the team! If you IDIOTS don't "GET IT", maybe Drew will say "FUCK BUFFALO! (the asshole of the Earth)" You guys will be back in Quarterback HELL where you belong! I'd laugh my ass off if LOSSMAN were your STARTER next season! Well until he broke his legs again!

Jrcad

Dear Drew,

We’re sorry Ronnie hurt your feelings. We know you’re getting to that age when great quarterbacks with nothing to prove decide to retire, but you’re planning on clinging to what you have left. We can’t argue; it’s what we would do if we were being paid millions, too. But please, that’s no reason to lash out at your fellow teammates. Take it easy Drew, you’re a good guy—it’s not like we expected you to win.


FAINTING WITH DAMN PRAISE

Just got the new issue. Laughed out loud like an idiot the whole bus ride home from work. Still haven't worked my way through the whole thing. Some bits I carry with me: Switched at Birth (my wife is still a bit speechless....but in a good way); Slappy the Tsunami; The entire "Loathsome List", but #3 is best.

Missed the "Straight Dope," though.

Great paper,

Jeff

PS: What was the deal with the Christine Skinner letter? It was like it was written on a meth binge.

Jeff,

What do you mean, “like?”


CHEQUE YOURSELF

Mr. Uthman,

I found your magazine online through a link to your '50 Most Loathsome People' article.  Great stuff.  However, as a Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in your otherwise insightful 'O Buffalo' article:

1) "Liberal" is a noun, not an adjective

2) Ontarians hate french; try the "Beau Fleuve" thing and we'll sell you to Quebec for an order of poutine

3) Fuck the Sabres, we want the Bills

4) Not even Canadians listen to Celine Dion

Sorry,

Adam Louis

Dear Adam,

1) Words can be nouns and adjectives, silly

2) OK, how about “Hortonsville?”

3) You can have ‘em

4) Someone’s buying that shit, and it ain’t us.


LOATHSOME LOVE

If I’ve seen a better collection of entertaining writing that makes think and laugh...I’m not aware of it.

Outstanding!!

Tom Wark


            Hello!   Found the article on Blogdex. The most incisive and brilliant thing I've read in memory !!! Give that author a raise, better yet, get him a national audience. Congratulations!

Best regards,

Thomas Griffin, Indianapolis


My god, that is some of the funniest stuff I have EVER read. BRILLIANT!!!

James Driscoll, Los Angeles


Just stumbled on your website via a semi-improbable link at TwoBillsDrive.  Read the 50 most loathsome list out loud to my wife, delighting in the scathing wordsmith(s?) at work here -- funny as hell, as well as deeply disturbing.  We are all, indeed, soaking in it -- well done

Nicholas Bakay


That was awesome.  Time to stop soaking in it.

Thanks for the list.

Susan Hyssen


Hi,

I just came across your site today, and I haven't stopped laughing since then. Haven't been so entertained in a long time. It's sad, though, that there's a truth and reality behind all your observations, that "evil-doers" (borrowed Bush saying) like those in power just get away with the utter nonsense they spew out every day.

Anyway, keep up the amazing writing, and I'm going to let al my mates know about your site (knowing my luck they already do).

Cheers from Scotland.

Saleem


Priceless.  Beautiful, articulate, poignant.  I'll shut up now.

FUCKING AWESOME.

Eric Ortman


Well done! 

You've heard my soul.  I've passed it one. 

Excellent piece.

Mark


Thank you so much for including Colin Quinn in your 50 Most Loathsome Americans list. I was flipping through the channels one night and stumbled across his show on Comedy Central and I couldn't believe someone gave this guy a show. He couldn't go one sentence without flubbing his lines. I mean, it was just painful. I almost felt bad for the guy.

I always figured they let him read the news on SNL because someone in the back was laughing at his expense.

Yet another example of the greatness produced by MTV's Remote Control.

Manzanino


hi. brilliant update of the list. one thing you might add - justice thomas is

actually asleep for most oral arguments, according to a supreme court reporter

who recently gave a talk at harvard law. she said she usually has a good view

of the bottom of his chin or the top of his head.

cheers,

c

Dear C,

We thought he was into oral. Hmmm…bottom of his chin? Top of his head? Sounds like your lecturer is doing a little arguing of her own, if you know what we mean. (We mean oral sex.)


GLARING OMISSIONS

wow. awesome work. but where is the rove ?

Eliza Pelham Randall


I'm shocked to see that Michael Moore didn't make your list. I think Kerry could have possibly won the election if it wasn't for Moore.

Other than that, I loved your list.

Bryce


I know O’Reilly is not that important, and that he is probably a moron (and we should not make fun of morons).  But I think that it would not be that cruel if you would have considered him for a 49th place or so.

I mean, for the pathetic way he hit on that girl, and for telling her shit about his wife and her vibrator…

Filipe Castro

College Station, Texas

Dear insatiable critics,

All of these worthy candidates (and Paris Hilton, and Rush Limbaugh) were on previous lists, if it makes you feel better. Guess we just didn’t want to repeat ourselves too much. Alas, there are only 50 slots, when there could be 500. However, if you write a witty, abrasive critique of your nominees and send it to us, we promise to pawn it off as our own work next year.


PICKY-NINNY

Pick handles? PICK HANDLES? I'm afraid not. Lester Maddox never handed out a pick handle in his disgusting puke of a life. He handed out ax handles. AX HANDLES.

See, in the south, they don't pick. They ax. The ax people directions, they ax you if you're a goddamned commie liberal from up north, they ax you once to get the fuck back where you belong, then they hand you by your scrotum. But they don't pick because if they did, they'd pick another life, one not involving living in the south or being who they are. So there.

Cleveland

Dear Cleveland,

Well, actually, it was pick handles. Is there a difference? Anyway, we must object: there are a lot of cool, interesting people in the south. They’re in New Orleans.


LOATHSOME HATE

From your "50 Most Loathsome People" list:

"You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on the internet..."

You mean like your little whine-rag?

Perhaps you (whoever actually wrote this little cyber tantrum - hard to tell as it doesn't appear to have a byline) can enumerate any substantive change you've ever brought to bear upon the geo-political system you despise, inasmuch as you're so well-informed and have all this keen insight that you deingrate the brainwashed masses for lacking...

Jacob Marley

Dear Jacob,

Awww, did we touch a nerve? Look, we’re sorry we described you so accurately, but don’t take that to mean that “you” doesn’t include us. If you think that makes us hypocrites, it won’t disturb our sleep patterns. Ps. we bitch all day in print.

 

. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


Subscribe to The BEAST

 

Seriously. We need money bad. $26 / 6 Months in the US, and you get our super-cool paper delivered to your door, virtually ensuring your admission to all of the important FBI watch-lists.


 

Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


2004 Timeline: The Year in Regret


[sic] - letters

CHEQUE YOURSELF
Mr. Uthman,

I found your magazine online through a link to your '50 Most Loathsome People' article. Great stuff. However, as a Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in your otherwise insightful 'O Buffalo' article:


Time Lies

Matt Taibbi

...What was great about Sullivan's "Year of the Insurgents" column last week was how beautifully it threw the rest of the "Person of the Year" issue into contrast. Here's Sullivan bitching about bloggers needing to stay on the margins where they belong; meanwhile, his "respectable" media company is joyously prancing back and forth along 190 glossy pages with George Bush's cock wedged firmly in its mouth.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."



 

Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."