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Issue #67

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Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

 

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch



Issue #65

Download Entire issue (23mb PDF)

 

Features:

Christmas in Hell: No, Virginia, There is no Santa Claus- Matt Taibbi

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar- Allan Uthman

Power 1, Truth 0: RIP Gary Webb, Journalism - Michael Manville

Insane in the Ukraine - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Celebrity Holiday Greetings

Ridiculous Gift Guide

Tips on Buying Thoughtless Gifts

Giambra Admits Drinking Live Sea Monkeys

Area Child Expects Lame Christmas Gifts

Paris Hilton's What Hot & What's Not in 2005

Advice From John Ritter's Ghost



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

I HATE YOU: The Senate, Slaves to the South

DJ's Notes from the Big House

The Straight Dope w/ Dr Rotten




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley




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2004 The Beast

 

Wanna Bet?

Pats are Sure Thing

by Ronnie Roscoe

Hello again my faithful followers, it is I, Roscoe the magnificent, here once again to give you the best information in the sporting world. As you have come to understand by reading this column, I know more than anyone in the sports media and I have the only opinion that matters. This week we will focus on the Super Bowl, that unofficial American holiday where everyone lays a wager or two, hoping to cash in.

Let me begin by explaining that I cannot possibly help those of you who decide to put your hard-earned money on a square, strictly hoping to win on some sort of chance. Obviously there is no skill required; simply put, if it is your day you win, if not you lose. If you feel the need to attempt to prognosticate the game, I also must give this warning: don't do it. The reason is quite simple-you may think you know football and you may think you know how to bet, but you don't. That is where I come in, you see I DO know what to do, because I do know football. I understand the game and, quite frankly, I am Roscoe and I am the best.

I can only hope I have gotten through that thick skull of yours, and that you comprehend the greatness of my word. I need you, my faithful follower, to read and follow my word, because I want you to be a winner, just like me.

The Super Bowl matches the reigning champion New England Patriots with the NFC champion Philadelphia Eagles. Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that the Patriots are good, and they deserve their standing as favorites in the game. My 10-year-old nephew knows Tom Brady is good and that the Pats will win. But the key isn't just figuring out who will win, it is figuring out who will win and by how many points. This is where Roscoe makes a difference. The difference between winning and losing, the difference between making or delaying that February mortgage payment-hell, who are we kidding-the difference between you staying married or getting divorced will likely depend on who you pick and where you lay down your green.

Are you the same guy that knew the Bills would kill Pittsburgh the last game of the season? Did you think Peyton Manning would beat New England a couple weeks ago? Yeah, I thought that was you. Stop thinking and just read and listen. I am doing this to keep domestic violence to a minimum on Sunday night.

Before we go on there are a few things I would like to discuss-first of all, this is for entertainment purposes only. I do not condone betting, wagering or gambling of any kind. I just understand there are idiots who do nothing but decide they are experts and will call a friend or a bookie and let emotion play a part and make a stupid decision. Let me first give the best tip available-don't do it. How about putting that $50 or $100 bucks towards the kid's dentist bill or maybe giving the '98 Neon a must deserved oil change and some anti-freeze? Here's a crazy thought: how about making the child support payments for once. Ok, now that we have cleared the air, let's talk about some football!!!

The early line has the New England Patriots as a six-point favorite. As soon as they finished that ass-whupping of Pittsburgh, the Pats were named favorites. I am here to tell you that the line will move higher and higher. The official Roscoe line has the Patriots favored by nine points. Now, my disciples, I am not predicting a Patriot win by nine points; I am just stating that is where the line should be. Why, almighty Roscoe, you ask, why should they be nine-point favorites? As I have stated many times before, that is why I am Roscoe and you are who you are-because I said so, that is why. Don't ask, just listen and do as I say. Hey if you can get six, or even seven, jump on it because the public loves that little wuss Brady and his robot coach. And more important is the fact that the spread will move. Also, it should be noted, despite the notion that everyone loves and pulls for the underdog, when laying money down more people bet on the favorite. So 6 points on Monday will likely be 7.5 or maybe even 8 come game day. And once the spread becomes two scores, that's when you morons become easy targets.

Remember, the Roscoe line is 9 points. It may actually be higher due to the Eagles star Terrell Owens' ankle injury. If he is unable to play that does add a point or two. But I know you, and I know once next Sunday hits, you will all get nervous about giving that extra half-point. You will begin to over-think and decide Philly isn't that bad, they deserve more credit. Carolina kept it close last year. You will tell your buddy, "7.5 is a lot of points, and the Patriots have won 2 Super Bowls but they won by only 3 points each time; the game will be close." Yada, yada, yada. I can hear you already. "I am sorry, Mr. Landlord, rent will be a little late this month because I thought I knew more than Roscoe."

In the end, the Patriots will prevail, they will cover the spread and Roscoe will be a winner. I know this sounds simple but quite frankly, unlike most games, it is. The Patriots have the better defense despite missing a few stars due to injury. The biggest difference comes in the coaching staff. The Pats and their star-studded staff blow away Philly's Andy Reid and company. Reid is the most overrated coach in the league today. He choked three times in championship games before this one and if Belichick was coaching Atlanta last week, he would have lost four. Brady is just a tad better than Philly QB Donavan McNabb. McNabb has the ability to score and could make a game of it, but the likelihood is that his coach will make some blunders and hurt his team. Oh, lets not forget, if the officials have a say, the Replaytriots always get the calls. I would love to tell you something really tricky and insightful, but this one is too easy.

I know you hate them since they gave us Bledsoe, but if you can't beat 'em join 'em. Final score, New England 27; Philadelphia 15.



 

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The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


2004 Timeline: The Year in Regret


[sic] - letters

CHEQUE YOURSELF
Mr. Uthman,

I found your magazine online through a link to your '50 Most Loathsome People' article. Great stuff. However, as a Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in your otherwise insightful 'O Buffalo' article:


Time Lies

Matt Taibbi

...What was great about Sullivan's "Year of the Insurgents" column last week was how beautifully it threw the rest of the "Person of the Year" issue into contrast. Here's Sullivan bitching about bloggers needing to stay on the margins where they belong; meanwhile, his "respectable" media company is joyously prancing back and forth along 190 glossy pages with George Bush's cock wedged firmly in its mouth.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?


Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."



 

Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."


The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.



Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.



Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.




O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."