are Sure Thing
again my faithful followers, it is I, Roscoe the magnificent, here once
again to give you the best information in the sporting world. As you
have come to understand by reading this column, I know more than anyone
in the sports media and I have the only opinion that matters. This week
we will focus on the Super Bowl, that unofficial American holiday where
everyone lays a wager or two, hoping to cash in.
me begin by explaining that I cannot possibly help those of you who
decide to put your hard-earned money on a square, strictly hoping to
win on some sort of chance. Obviously there is no skill required; simply
put, if it is your day you win, if not you lose. If you feel the need
to attempt to prognosticate the game, I also must give this warning:
don't do it. The reason is quite simple-you may think you know football
and you may think you know how to bet, but you don't. That is where
I come in, you see I DO know what to do, because I do know football.
I understand the game and, quite frankly, I am Roscoe and I am the best.
can only hope I have gotten through that thick skull of yours, and that
you comprehend the greatness of my word. I need you, my faithful follower,
to read and follow my word, because I want you to be a winner, just
Super Bowl matches the reigning champion New England Patriots with the
NFC champion Philadelphia Eagles. Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist
to know that the Patriots are good, and they deserve their standing
as favorites in the game. My 10-year-old nephew knows Tom Brady is good
and that the Pats will win. But the key isn't just figuring out who
will win, it is figuring out who will win and by how many points. This
is where Roscoe makes a difference. The difference between winning and
losing, the difference between making or delaying that February mortgage
payment-hell, who are we kidding-the difference between you staying
married or getting divorced will likely depend on who you pick and where
you lay down your green.
you the same guy that knew the Bills would kill Pittsburgh the last
game of the season? Did you think Peyton Manning would beat New England
a couple weeks ago? Yeah, I thought that was you. Stop thinking and
just read and listen. I am doing this to keep domestic violence to a
minimum on Sunday night.
we go on there are a few things I would like to discuss-first of all,
this is for entertainment purposes only. I do not condone betting, wagering
or gambling of any kind. I just understand there are idiots who do nothing
but decide they are experts and will call a friend or a bookie and let
emotion play a part and make a stupid decision. Let me first give the
best tip available-don't do it. How about putting that $50 or $100 bucks
towards the kid's dentist bill or maybe giving the '98 Neon a must deserved
oil change and some anti-freeze? Here's a crazy thought: how about making
the child support payments for once. Ok, now that we have cleared the
air, let's talk about some football!!!
early line has the New England Patriots as a six-point favorite. As
soon as they finished that ass-whupping of Pittsburgh, the Pats were
named favorites. I am here to tell you that the line will move higher
and higher. The official Roscoe line has the Patriots favored by nine
points. Now, my disciples, I am not predicting a Patriot win by nine
points; I am just stating that is where the line should be. Why, almighty
Roscoe, you ask, why should they be nine-point favorites? As I have
stated many times before, that is why I am Roscoe and you are who you
are-because I said so, that is why. Don't ask, just listen and do as
I say. Hey if you can get six, or even seven, jump on it because the
public loves that little wuss Brady and his robot coach. And more important
is the fact that the spread will move. Also, it should be noted, despite
the notion that everyone loves and pulls for the underdog, when laying
money down more people bet on the favorite. So 6 points on Monday will
likely be 7.5 or maybe even 8 come game day. And once the spread becomes
two scores, that's when you morons become easy targets.
the Roscoe line is 9 points. It may actually be higher due to the Eagles
star Terrell Owens' ankle injury. If he is unable to play that does
add a point or two. But I know you, and I know once next Sunday hits,
you will all get nervous about giving that extra half-point. You will
begin to over-think and decide Philly isn't that bad, they deserve more
credit. Carolina kept it close last year. You will tell your buddy,
"7.5 is a lot of points, and the Patriots have won 2 Super Bowls
but they won by only 3 points each time; the game will be close."
Yada, yada, yada. I can hear you already. "I am sorry, Mr. Landlord,
rent will be a little late this month because I thought I knew more
In the end, the Patriots will prevail, they will cover the spread and
Roscoe will be a winner. I know this sounds simple but quite frankly,
unlike most games, it is. The Patriots have the better defense despite
missing a few stars due to injury. The biggest difference comes in the
coaching staff. The Pats and their star-studded staff blow away Philly's
Andy Reid and company. Reid is the most overrated coach in the league
today. He choked three times in championship games before this one and
if Belichick was coaching Atlanta last week, he would have lost four.
Brady is just a tad better than Philly QB Donavan McNabb. McNabb has
the ability to score and could make a game of it, but the likelihood
is that his coach will make some blunders and hurt his team. Oh, lets
not forget, if the officials have a say, the Replaytriots always get
the calls. I would love to tell you something really tricky and insightful,
but this one is too easy.
know you hate them since they gave us Bledsoe, but if you can't beat
'em join 'em. Final score, New England 27; Philadelphia 15.