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Issue #68

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Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez



Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe






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2004 The Beast


Hillary Takes a Dive
By Jeff Dean

During a speaking engagement in Buffalo Monday, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton fainted due to what was believed to be a stomach virus. She was treated on-scene and continued with her schedule. When a person of Rodham Clinton's notoriety falls ill, it tends to make the news (see George Bush I ralphing on the Japanese PM). And while I could devote this column to idiot non-news, I want to go deeper and share with you one of my greatest pet peeves: The desperate need of Buffalo to be in the spotlight.

This is the paragraph where I'm supposed to say, "Hey, I love Buffalo, but...." And maybe a year ago I could muster enough self-denial to make it sound genuine. But that damn bridge and the budget nightmares in the city and county have me bitter. Not bitter because Buffalo isn't the shining gem the tourist books make it out to be, but because the city just doesn't even try anymore. I realize that a city can't try, that it's up to the individuals in that city to make the dreams come true, but we all think of Buffalo as an old frumpy neurotic. Each city has a personality, and Buffalo is Rodney Dangerfield without the yuks.

The bee in my britches today is the news coverage of the Rodham Clinton collapse. WGRZ-2's Scott Levin began the 11 p.m. newscast with "The nation's spotlight falls on Buffalo as former First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton faints."

I want you to think about that line for a second. A little dramatic? Earlier in the day, local stations interrupted regular programming to announce that Rodham Clinton had just finished her speech at Canisius College several hours after the fainting spell. To clarify, news stations interrupted programming to tell viewers that nothing was new. News is the plural of new. Nothing new, nothing news.

This same drama template is used when reporting on the weather. I remember when every time Johnny Carson would hit Buffalo with a snow joke, everyone got bent out of shape, and he'd get cards and letters demanding an apology. But then we'd get hit by a storm, and local weathermen would be climbing over each other to get in the warm glow of that national spotlight, if only to tell America that we can handle it.

This problem goes much, much deeper than snow. Buffalo is like that friend of yours (everyone has one) who loves to drop names. He ran into this celebrity, that sports star ate at his house, he was a pen pal of that actress and so-on. Whether it's true or not, doesn't matter. The name-dropping just begins to sound like someone who desperately wants to be liked, and can only do so by association.

Consider Lucille Ball, who grew up in Jamestown, in another county, but Buffalo has all but claimed her as a homey. Joyce Carol Oates, whose Nobel should be on its way any time now, is from Lockport -- in another county -- but she turns up regularly in the Buffalo papers. The Buffalo News' Jeff Simon once interviewed novelist T.C. Boyle at length not about the critical acclaim for his books or his cult status among readers of quirky fiction, but about his marriage to a Buffalo gal. One of the funniest things I ever read was an article about famous people with "Buffalo Roots," which included a paragraph where they asked actress Wendie Malick about her years in Buffalo. She explained she was about five-years-old, didn't have any memories, and added diplomatically, "But I've heard it's nice."

The list of Buffalonians who have made a national name for themselves is long and impressive, and we should celebrate their achievements. But I think Buffalo needs to step back a little. Maybe not claim every poor bastard who went on to fame despite attending Buffalo State College. Maybe leave poor Mark Twain alone, as his life was rarely free from turmoil during his time done here, and once he fled to Connecticut, he never returned.

The flipside to Buffalo being America's Neediest City is that it's a great town for people to come to when they need a little spotlight themselves. Barenaked Ladies get more love, more press and more money when they play Buffalo than just about anywhere else, including their home base, Toronto. Local musician Alison Pipitone slogged through years of misery in Los Angeles before returning to Buffalo and becoming an instant legend in the local club scene. A few years ago, there was an attempt to advertise Buffalo as a great place for entrepreneurs (which it is). The campaign either failed or just disappeared, but the point was valid. If you want your art or your business or whatever you're into to take off, and you want a city cheering you on like family, Buffalo's the place.

But if you have the misfortune of just breezing through on the road to success, you are doomed to always be connected. See you on the telethon, Bowzer.

Worse would be if you're already famous, and something bad happens while you're here. Just ask dead Prez Bill McKinley, of the McKinley Mall, McKinley Parkway, McKinley Monument and McKinley High School. You could almost hear a disappointed sigh over the city when Rodham Clinton regained consciousness and got up. Maybe that's why they cut into the programming with the alert that there would be no glory this time.

Don't worry, Buffalo, the spotlight'll be back.


 

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Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

...Then there was the clip of a bunch of Republican Congressmen pointing their ink-stained index fingers in the air.

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Bowtie Bondage

Matt Taibbi

Tucker Carlson is in the news this week. Rumor has it he is going to take Deborah Norville's nine o'clock slot on MSNBC, providing society with the hyperambitious, polysyllabic segue to Scarborough Country it has been lacking all these years. The move comes amidst reports that the network has scrapped plans for its long-anticipated revival show, Alvin Ailey Presents Michael Savage.


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


[sic] - letters

COMMA SUTRA

your article,,is written by an idiot.if it is you,,,oh well,,put the egg in your shoe and beat it.Do you remember sep 11th,,,i guess you don`t,,many firefighters lost their lives that day..I am a firefighter,,as you may have figured out already.i take offense to this article,,as would any fireman..you owe a apology,,you paper is trash,,,your news is trash,,,i use your paper to wipe my butt.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?