Issue #68

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")


Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent


Buffalo in Briefs


Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner


Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe


Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")


Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine



Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs


Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner


Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe

Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")


The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns


Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back


I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner


Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe

RSS Feed

Contact Us


Archives--Old BEASTs







© 2004 The Beast


New lows are achieved every week in the world of film. Itís like playing Monopoly and never being able to get ahead. Oh sure, every once in a while you get something great, but for the most part your senses are under constant assault.

This is especially true with the field of horror films. You get hit with a nonsensical trailer, the selling point being that the lead is the oldest son from the WBís born-again feel-good religious drama ď7th Heaven.Ē If that isnít a kick in the nuts, you have to deal with some jerk with personal demons to overcome and youíre supposed to give a shit. Real nice. Lucy Lawless co-stars for one reason or another; probably for health insurance purposes.

Boogeyman is a total dud and hordes of curious people who donít know how to learn a lesson will in all likelihood ensure a sequel or at least a modest return. It happened with The Grudge (which like Boogeyman, was also produced by Sam Raimi) and it will probably happen here.

As for me, I just bought a few of those cheese-balls covered with nuts and whatnot. I left them in the pockets of my very warm parka, let them get rather melty, and threw them at the screen during low points during the movie. I ran out before the end of the first act.

The Wedding Date

There is nothing, and I mean nothing to kill the libido like a sorry-ass date movie. The death rattle from your gonads gets that much louder when you throw Debra Messing (pretty much reprising her neurotic character from the 75% contemptible ďWill and GraceĒóthe only quarter that is tolerable is Karenóthis is what happens when you only have broadcast cable) into the mix, as a woman who hires a male escort so she doesnít look like a single loser.

The only upshot to this drab offering is that itís not one of the dozens of unimpressive horror movies that is plaguing the theaters these days. I can see how it would be easy to get the two confused after hearing the plot, but I assure you they are not the same thing.

Of course, the woman and her date fall in love, making Valentineís Day that much more of a farce. If your significant other threatens you with a viewing of this movie, I suggest faking an epileptic fit. Or just break up.

Hide and Seek

Robert DeNiro continues with his dangerous experiment: To find out if a star of mythic status can commit career suicide. This time he goes for his own jugular, playing a psychiatrist whose daughter has a murderous imaginary friend.

Hide and Seek has a pretty impressive cast: Famke Jenssen, Elisabeth Shue, and Dylan Baker all show up, but that talent is wasted. It echoes another incomprehensible DeNiro horror flop, Godsend. Iím pretty sure that DeNiro has hired a blind and/or illiterate man to read his scripts for him.

Think about it: One of the greatest American actors ever, playing second fiddle to one of the little kids from Cat in the Hat. And the plot was so inexcusable that a cliched twist would have been justifiable and completely welcome in the last ten minutes. Then weíve got the part where some crazy neighbor cuts DeNiroís hand and is left at that. Iím guessing that a second draft of the script was never really bothered with, but thatís just me.

Hide and Seek is downright painful on so many levels. DeNiro doesnít even seem to be trying anymore and Iím pretty sure the director was smashed during the whole filmmaking process. Paying eight bucks to see this movie is like getting mugged and beaten up. When the whole thingís over, youíre left broke, with a head full of bad memories.

Alone in the Dark

This movie is where once promising careers go to die. Consider the cast:

First up, weíve got Christian Slater. The wannabe illegitimate love child of Jack Nicholson, plagued by bad publicity, plenty of bad career choices, guns at the airport, and the loss of his boyish charm. Not to mention a wife that beats him up.

Next, weíve got Stephen Dorff, whose career is in a broken down and not too talented plane that canít sustain above the radar long enough to land on a decent project. The last semi-respectable thing he did was the first Blade movie and the fate of his character in that movie was analogous to his careerís.

Then finally, we have the not that lovely and not too talented Tara Reid. The high point of her career was uttering the line ďIíll suck your cock for a thousand dollarsĒ to Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski. Sheís the quintessential sloppy public drunk and swept the Trainwreck awards for the past three years straight.

Stick them all together in an Alien/Tremors rehash that Iím pretty sure is based on a video game, and the laughs will flow. For a movie that was supposed to be scary, itís almost genius how funny it is. As a horror movie, itís completely unbelievable and unfathomable, even if youíre self-medicated. It wears the dunce cap of horror films. Itís the brown ring left in your toilet the morning after hard drinking and a night cap at Steak Out.

But on a comedic level, itís like Old School with aliens. Or demons. Or whatever they were supposed to be.†

The production values give early-Ď80s porn a run for their money. UPS provides better delivery than the actors. But just when you get out your switchblade to cut up the seats, a moment of nonsensical randomness hits you, lulling into laughter that seems to come all too infrequently these days, at least in a movie theater.


. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.

Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?

Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.

Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

...Then there was the clip of a bunch of Republican Congressmen pointing their ink-stained index fingers in the air.

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”

Bowtie Bondage

Matt Taibbi

Tucker Carlson is in the news this week. Rumor has it he is going to take Deborah Norville's nine o'clock slot on MSNBC, providing society with the hyperambitious, polysyllabic segue to Scarborough Country it has been lacking all these years. The move comes amidst reports that the network has scrapped plans for its long-anticipated revival show, Alvin Ailey Presents Michael Savage.

Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.

[sic] - letters


your article,,is written by an idiot.if it is you,,,oh well,,put the egg in your shoe and beat it.Do you remember sep 11th,,,i guess you don`t,,many firefighters lost their lives that day..I am a firefighter,,as you may have figured out already.i take offense to this article,,as would any fireman..you owe a apology,,you paper is trash,,,your news is trash,,,i use your paper to wipe my butt.

Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.

Subscribe to The BEAST


Seriously. We need money bad. $26 / 6 Months in the US, and you get our super-cool paper delivered to your door, virtually ensuring your admission to all of the important FBI watch-lists.

Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.

Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.

Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?