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Issue #68

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Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez



Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe






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2004 The Beast


BEAST-O-SCOPES

by Andrew Gullerstein

 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Aquarius, how are you going to go? Remember that dorky guy you used to pick on all the time in high school? You know, the kid you locked in your gym locker for hours on end and threw soggy tater-tots at for four years? Don't you remember him you miserable jock faggot? Well, he is going to shoot you in the fucking head with a high-powered assault rifle. He has made your demise the focal point of his existence and will soon be fulfilling his glorious destiny. At least that's what his dog has been telling him.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Hey there Pisces, your death is really going to be something special. It involves: a staple gun, four safety pins, three quarts of chicken blood, an alarm clock (analog), a set of 1954 encyclopedias, nine strands of Christmas lights, jumper cables, three circular saw blades, one-half cup of olive oil, a three-pound bag of birdseed, three crisp twenty-dollar bills and a photo of Bill O'Reilly. Like I said Pisces…Special.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, do you remember the other day when you were sitting in the coffee shop in your black turtleneck sweater/modern beatnik poser outfit pretending to read a book on new-age philosophy written by some halfwit with a mail order doctorate, waiting like a trap door spider to ensnare some young naive girl in your web of bullshit? Well, it took everything I had not to get up walk across the room and punch you in the face several times. You are such an incredible asshole, Aries, that I hope you are one of those rare people who are killed by a frozen ball of shit fallen from the septic system of a 747.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Hey Taurus, I was just lying around thinking that it would be funny if a guy dressed up like Moses walked up to you on the street and beat you to death with a couple of frozen chickens. At first I thought it should be frozen hams, but Moses doesn't roll like that.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, if I had the ability to pick up a car and throw it with any degree of accuracy you would be in some trouble. I wouldn't even be discreet about it; I'd just throw an oversized SUV right through the front of your house. Then I would watch with glee as you ran down the street barefoot while trying to dodge a series of hurled vehicles varying in size. I would do this because you, Gemini, are a piece of shit. I would do this because God would want me to.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Dear Cancer, I couldn't help but think that it would be cool to see you launched from a catapult directly onto the Interstate. You would of course be on fire at the time of launch, and if we're lucky you'll be able to get up and flail aimlessly and aglow around the lanes until you are clipped by an eighteen-year-old asshole in a tricked-out Geo.

 


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Hey Leo, you know what would be funny? Watching you explain to police how you hit a man who happened to be ablaze on the interstate because you were on your cell phone. Did you really need to be on the phone while drive seventy-five miles per hour? I sure hope the guy at the pizzeria got your order right. Tell you what Leo, I'm going to stop by your place this week and attach that fucking phone to your head with a pneumatic nail gun. Then you won't have to worry about using that pesky head set.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, I know you were wondering what kind of death fate has in store for you. Well, let me give you a hint. It involves being violently gang-raped by a group of evangelical preachers in the Green Room at the Fox News studio while being forced to read aloud from Henry Kissenger's autobiography. Of course I'm just giving you the highlights, you'll have to wait to find out the rest.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, there seems to be a unilateral agreement among the cosmos that you should be dragged behind a sedan for about five miles, then thrown in the trunk, driven to a remote location and shot about fourteen times. It is not that often that there is a universal consensus on these things but you sir, are a scumbag of immeasurable proportions.

 


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

My dear Scorpio, what can I say? Outside of the fact that you should be stripped naked, sprayed liberally with female pheromones and dropped into the gorilla exhibit with a Silverback who has been fed nothing but chocolate covered espresso beans and Viagara for five straight days. You might survive, but you'd never again be able to watch Animal Planet without shitting yourself.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Look Sagittarius, do you really want to die a horrible death? Then what the fuck are you reading this for? Do you really want to know that you will spend your last month on this planet tied up in a fruit cellar with man dressed up as a giant beaver who periodically feeds you woodchips? You don't need to know these things, Sagittarius. Just like you don't need to know what he is using to build his dam.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Oh Capricorn, it isn't exactly clear how you die, but it involves a biker gang and an entire set of pool balls. Not that I'm playing favorites here, Capricorn but maybe you should consider skipping "Bike Week" down in Daytona this time around. Especially if you still plan on bringing your Vespa.

 



 

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Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

...Then there was the clip of a bunch of Republican Congressmen pointing their ink-stained index fingers in the air.

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Bowtie Bondage

Matt Taibbi

Tucker Carlson is in the news this week. Rumor has it he is going to take Deborah Norville's nine o'clock slot on MSNBC, providing society with the hyperambitious, polysyllabic segue to Scarborough Country it has been lacking all these years. The move comes amidst reports that the network has scrapped plans for its long-anticipated revival show, Alvin Ailey Presents Michael Savage.


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


[sic] - letters

COMMA SUTRA

your article,,is written by an idiot.if it is you,,,oh well,,put the egg in your shoe and beat it.Do you remember sep 11th,,,i guess you don`t,,many firefighters lost their lives that day..I am a firefighter,,as you may have figured out already.i take offense to this article,,as would any fireman..you owe a apology,,you paper is trash,,,your news is trash,,,i use your paper to wipe my butt.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?