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Issue #68

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Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez



Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe






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© 2004 The Beast

[sic] - Letters

TAKE US TO YOUR LITRE

Hello there across the border.

I am a Canadian living in Guelph, which is near Toronto, Ontario. I have followed rather closely the buildup to the recent American election, as well as the aftermath. I have noticed there is a lot of talk about secession; mostly jokingly, articles have often suggested the idea of either immigrating to Canada, or removing certain states from the Union, or certain cities, or what-have-you.

On the one hand, this is a great idea! The more the merrier! We could definately use a few more people to tax, but hopefully you are coming with some suggestions about health care that don't include the word "privitize," because that's all our leaders can come up with.

On the other hand, I think the Bush re-election means that, now more than ever, you must remain in America. Were "The United States of Canada" and "Jesusland" (Canada plus "blue" American states, and "red" American States) to be formed, there would be nobody left to tell the crazies that they are crazy. Just because they have somehow managed to wrest control of your country from saner minds does not mean you have to like it. In fact, my understanding of Democracy says you, in fact, have to dislike it. And let them know how much you dislike it, as much as you can.

In the face of unprecedented pre-war protests, the Bush administration pushed forward into a doctrine of pre-emptive war. Imagine what they might do without the resistance of rational minds?

Praetorian

Dear Praetorian,

Same thing they’re doing now; whatever the fuck they want. At some point, an endless argument turns into an abusive relationship, especially when no one’s listening. This kind of tough love may be just what Jesusland needs to get a little more realistic. Besides, the blue states have all the money. We’re still interested, if you change your mind.


COMMA SUTRA

your article,,is written by an idiot.if it is you,,,oh well,,put the egg in your shoe and beat it.Do you remember sep 11th,,,i guess you don`t,,many firefighters lost their lives that day..I am a firefighter,,as you may have figured out already.i take offense to this article,,as would any fireman..you owe a apology,,you paper is trash,,,your news is trash,,,i use your paper to wipe my butt.Accidents do happen in the fire service.if your house was on fire who would come?If you needed medical attention,who would respond?Answer,,AFIREFIGHTER.Its nice to push a pencil,,or type your opinions,,,And you know the saying,,opions are for...you know who.Don`t critize if you never have been in the fire service..Lot of people are willing to give up their lives to save your hide,,,Get profesional ,,,which in reading the beast,,you are not.....Here is my opinion,your paper stinks..you rip off anyone that subscribes to it...get real..

RomaJCheese

Dear Roma,

You’re right; the events of 9/11 have permanently elevated firefighters to a position of absolute immunity from criticism. That’s why we’ll refrain from addressing your functional illiteracy. At what point in saving our lives would you determine it necessary to tip over a fucking fire truck in front of a bunch of kids?


NOT EWE, “YOU”

I enjoyed this piece, even when I may have liked some of the people on the list but I do have one issue with it.  You lump everyone else, it seems, into that "You" group when that's not entirely fair (though if you were to say neither is life, touche).  More people volunteered for this past election than in any other (at least as long as records on this have been kept).  I started volunteering on campaigns when I was 10 and have worked in politics for the past 14 years.  Granted, I am not typical, and didn't get together with anyone to watch the last episode of Friends, nor am I at all religious.  I don't complain about politics and do nothing about it.

Not all of your readers are sheep.

Alyson Chadwick

Dear Alyson,

Despite the fact that you’re not a sheep, we’re still interested in having sex with you.


NOW WITH MORE LETTERS FROM DICKS

Are you guys kidding me? Here you are jerking us off about our illiteracy even with your email address ("sic", for those who haven't visited Latin America and consequently don't understand Latin, means "An error has been detected in your writing, you flaming asshole.") But then, ON YOUR VERY HOME PAGE, you use the slogan "Now with less [sic] pages."

Love your rag otherwise, I wish it had greater pages, not fewer. But try for some eryoudishun, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Fast Eddy

Dear Eddy,

Mistakes were made. But now it’s time for us to look forward, not back, and to come together, crossing the partisan divide to promote pro-growth page-count policies that will bring our nation where it needs to be for all Americans. In conclusion, suck it. 


TROUT MASK REPLICANT

If you don't listen to Frank Zappa, primarily, then you should.  You have the most brilliant and accurate insights into human nature I've witnessed publicly since Zappa.  Thank you for making me laugh out loud.

Ratprick

Dear Ratprick,

We haven’t listened to Zappa much since he died; he just makes sort of a barely audible hissing sound now.


VIRGINIA IS FOR LOSERS

golllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.  You came right out and said what everyone on the planet knows but is scared stiff to even think.  I admire your guts but hope you have a bunker somewhere less accessible than Cheney's.

I especially enjoyed your assessment of Kerry.  I stood out across from the Capitol on Jan 6 and held up a big homemade sign that said JOHN KERRY, WHERE ARE YOU? Not very brave, but, even at that, I was afraid to find him at my front door the next morning. That's how much of a coward I am.

Swell the way you put Blackwell as an even a worse beast than Bush.  Some day that guy is going to jail.  I bet he's so smug now.  But don't you think those were heady days in pre war Germany too?  I bet those guys never thought that they'd ever end up in the dock at Nurenberg. See ya there, Ken.

   At any rate, your beast list is quite a document.  I think it should be read before a joint session of Congress or at least during some senate filibuster.  Could you do do a halo list too?  Around the top should be Joseph Darby, Spc Thomas Wilson, Scott Ritter, the donkey who pulled the rocket cart that fired on Wolfowitzat the Palestine Hotel, the kid who blasted Cheney's black windowed coward limo with a snowball during the Inaugural parade, and many others.

     Thanks for having the nerve to stand up and be counted during these weird and scary Orwellian times.

With best regards,

Prue Face, a school teacher in Richmond, Virginia

Dear Prue,

We’ve alerted the FBI to your treacherous statements. They are already hard at work stealing your thoughts through the transmitters in your fillings.


THE VICTORY OF DEFEAT

Hi,

I just ran across your website today and was reading about some of the most loathsome Americans.  I have a few comments....

1.) While I enjoyed the article and found it quite humorous, it exemplifies why we liberals are not going to win anything resembling a popularity contest...we come across as bitter and hateful.  Sure the GOP has their Ann Coulters or whomever, but the appearance is that we are as a whole  incredibly angry and condescending towards conservatives.

2.) Yes, Kerry ran a bad campaign, but Howard Dean would have lost (though maybe he would've been more entertaining in his crash & burn) for the following reasons:

            - Gay Marriage:  Conservatives felt their values were being trashed upon by a bunch of elitists who think they know better than they do - this was a huge factor in getting the GOP voters out on election day ...

            - We are in the middle of a freaking war.  Democrats just can't win in that environment.  Hell, we re-elected Richard F'ing Nixon during Vietnam,  the re-election of Bush should have been expected.

            - A Northeastern Liberal hasn't won a Presidential election since 1960.  This isn't coincidence...as much as I would love the US to reflect a more European or Canadian attitude or style...it ain't happening and it ain't gonna.  Barring some economic catastrophe like the Great Depression, this country is never going to vote for what they perceive as a liberal.   You may not like the moderate GOP-lite version of the Democratic Party, but that is the only way the Dems can win a Presidential election.  You will never see a blue-state Democrat elected to the White House (though maybe a blue-state Republican) again.  The mistake the Democrats made, was not in avoiding Howard Dean, rather it was not  being able to come up with better centrists (like Lieberman, however, with a personality) to run.

3.)  Don't blame us everyday folk.  I voted for Kerry.  It is not my fault that Bush won re-election.  Yes, I am going on with my life and buying crap that I probably don't need , but that is what we need to do.  We can't change the results, take a deep breath and move on.  Get on with our lives.  I am a realist,  there is nothing anyone can do to stop the conservatives at this point until the war on terror ceases to be the biggest story.  There is no point in organizing, protesting or singing Kumbayah around a fire or anything else.  THEY WON...its over.

 Dave Williams

Dear Dave,

Great plan. Now we can take those cyanide pills and not feel guilty about it. You are not a realist; you are a flaccid, beaten tool. Enjoy your hollow life of impotent resignation.


PUT ON A SHIRT WHILE YOU’RE AT IT

I'm offended that you included me on your list of most loathsome people of '04. How did you know I'm fat?

Farraraj

Dear Farraraj,

See that little hole in your ceiling? Smile!


OUR ASSES ARE WHOLLY UNAPOLOGETIC

A friend of mine sent me the link to your "50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004" article on your website. At first I thought it was a joke. Then I realized there was really someone out there sitting around writing all this crap. A group of people so disappointed with their own lives they have to criticize everyone around them.

You have every right to disagree with these people on your list, but I hope you and your readers do more than sit around complaining. Get off your sorry asses and DO something about these things you feel are injustices.

Most of your complaints are trivial. Ann Coulter? Who is she? Who forces you to listen to her? Clay Aiken? 50% of Americans love him, 25% despise him, the other 25% are afraid to admit they love him! But really, what does it matter to you? Are people not allowed to like Ann Coulter or Clay Aiken just because you don't?

Some of your complaints are real and there are other people working to fix the problems you do nothing but complain about. 50 Cent; yes, he does represent the worst aspect of urban culture. Now join the groups who are doing something to shift the focus to the better aspects of urban culture! John McCain is not your typical rank and file Republican. He might not speak out as often as you would like, but instead of criticizing him maybe you should partner with him to try and effect a change within the Republican party!

I have no respect for people like you who whine and whine about things they don't like but never DO anything to try and force change. I was right...the link my friend sent was a joke.

TJ Fahey

Dear TJ,

Some idiot sent us this e-mail. At first we thought it was a joke. Then we realized there was really someone out there sitting around writing this crap.

Your complaints are trivial. The Beast? Who are they? Who forces you to listen to them? Really, what does it matter to you? Are people not allowed to like The Beast just because you don’t?

Partnering with McCain to effect change in the Republican party? We’ll get right on it, once we’re done curing cancer and inventing a time machine, retard. You’re a grown man, Timothy, a tenured professor at Cornell, who loves Clay Aiken, and you think you have something to tell us? Just be happy we didn’t print your picture.


CUBICLE COMRAD

I don't know who you guys are...but amen!

We kinda stumbled upon you here at work; a co-worker of mine sent me a link to your 50 Most Loathsome.  Before that I had never seen or heard of The Beast.  Since then its been all the rage here.  I've poured over your articles on the 10 cynical ways to beat the republicans, the 10 Political Hacks, seceding to Ontario,  and the Disinformation Age (love the quote on the magnetic ribbon competition and the use of facts to try to change people's opinions, right on the money around here).  Excellent writing, hilarious, and unfortunately too true.  The best part is that you don't hail from San Francisco, LA, NY, or Boston...but Buffalo!? For crissakes!  I didn't know there was such a hotbed of sophisticated informed thinking over there.

Btw, do you actually issue a printed version? And how can I subscribe?  Who are you people...students, malcontents, future politicians, or even better, future Whitehouse correspondents.  One can only hope.

Keep up the good work!

Ron Hidu

Bangor, Maine

Dear Ron,

Bangor? We never touched her!


“YOU” AGAIN

Shouldn't #3 read "Me" instead of "You" or, at least, in addition to it?  Mighty smug to let yourselves off the hook.

John Sumakis

Dear John,

Membership has its privileges.


GOLDENASS

I was reading your article on the "50 Most Loathesome People", and noticed a huge error. Before you guys harshly slam someone like Halle Barry maybe you should make sure all info on her is correct. She was not in the James Bond movie "Tomorrow Never Dies", she was in "Die Another Day". The two women in "Tomorrow Never Dies" was Terri Hatcher and Honk Kong actress Michele Yoeh (aka Michele Kwan). It really annoys me when someone slams another person and doesn't even have the courtesy to get that persons background information right.

James G. Scott

Dear James,

So, how long have you been keeping a diary of your bowel movements?


 

. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

...Then there was the clip of a bunch of Republican Congressmen pointing their ink-stained index fingers in the air.

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Bowtie Bondage

Matt Taibbi

Tucker Carlson is in the news this week. Rumor has it he is going to take Deborah Norville's nine o'clock slot on MSNBC, providing society with the hyperambitious, polysyllabic segue to Scarborough Country it has been lacking all these years. The move comes amidst reports that the network has scrapped plans for its long-anticipated revival show, Alvin Ailey Presents Michael Savage.


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


[sic] - letters

COMMA SUTRA

your article,,is written by an idiot.if it is you,,,oh well,,put the egg in your shoe and beat it.Do you remember sep 11th,,,i guess you don`t,,many firefighters lost their lives that day..I am a firefighter,,as you may have figured out already.i take offense to this article,,as would any fireman..you owe a apology,,you paper is trash,,,your news is trash,,,i use your paper to wipe my butt.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


Subscribe to The BEAST

 

Seriously. We need money bad. $26 / 6 Months in the US, and you get our super-cool paper delivered to your door, virtually ensuring your admission to all of the important FBI watch-lists.


Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?