Home





Issue #68

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez



Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe






RSS Feed

Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



Archives--Old BEASTs

#67

#66

#65

#64

#63

More

© 2004 The Beast

Sorry to Wake You

The Situtation is Worse than you Think

by Matt Taibbi


Under Rumsfeld's new approach, I was told, U.S. military operatives would be permitted to pose abroad as corrupt foreign businessmen seeking to buy contraband items that could be used in nuclear-weapons systems. In some cases, according to the Pentagon advisers, local citizens could be recruited and asked to join up with guerrillas or terrorists.

Seymour M. Hersh, from "The Coming Wars," The New Yorker, Jan. 24

 

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?

FEITH: Donny, it's Douglas.

RUMSFELD: Douglas?

FEITH: Feith, Donny. Douglas Feith. The undersecretary for motherfucking policy!

RUMSFELD: (laughing) Oh, that Douglas.

FEITH: What up, Dog?

RUMSFELD: Well, I was trying to sleep, but you know how it is... my bladder...

FEITH: Midnight trips to the john, dude! Welcome to old age! Bienvenue!

RUMSFELD: Ah, what do you know about it?

FEITH: Just what Poindexter tells me. That guy hasn't taken a shit since August!

RUMSFELD: Yeah, but when he finally does—ker fucking plunk, you know what I'm saying?

FEITH: I hear you. I hear you.

RUMSFELD: So what's up?

FEITH: Hey, I was just wondering if you saw Sy Hersh's latest deal in The New Yorker.

RUMSFELD: Nope. I just read the cartoons.

FEITH: Oh, me too. I love the ones that are, like, ironical office scenes.

RUMSFELD: Yeah. There's always this imposing boss behind the desk saying something surprising.

FEITH: (in caption voice) Johnson, I fucked your wife!

RUMSFELD: Exactly. Anyway, what's in the article?

FEITH: Oh, you should read it. That guy is an amazing journalist.

RUMSFELD: Oh, I know, I know.

FEITH: Anyway, he's got this thing in there about how we're going into Iran soon. But the funny thing is, he's got all this stuff in there about how the Pentagon has all this new intelligence capability. Like we have all this leeway to do covert ops and maneuvers and stuff without having to go to Congress!

RUMSFELD: No shit.

FEITH: Is it true?

RUMSFELD: If he says so. I mean, he was right about My Lai, right?

FEITH: That's what I was thinking. There's this part in there about how we can pose as corrupt businessmen and buy weapons and even start our own terrorist groups!

RUMSFELD: Fantastic. What else is in there?

FEITH: Man, what isn't in there? Apparently we can do this stuff, have operations going on, and even the CINCs won't know about it.

RUMSFELD: The CINCs?

FEITH: The regional military commanders-in-chief.

RUMSFELD: I'll be damned. All those acronyms. In this town, everything's an UN- this, a SUB- that. I'm like, just tell me where the goddamn elevator is!

FEITH: Be careful of that. I reached for a pen on my desk the other day, and my whole office went down three floors.

RUMSFELD: (laughing) Yeah, my first three months on the job, I was coming in the morning, sitting down, and shouting, "Computer on!" Nothing happens, right? Then one day I do it and the toilet flushes in the next room. I love the Pentagon!

FEITH: Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, if all this stuff is true, just think of the possibilities!

RUMSFELD: Like what?

FEITH: Well, shit, I don't know. We could start another war!

RUMSFELD: Aren't we already doing that?

FEITH: I don't know. Are we?

RUMSFELD: I don't know. Nobody tells me anything. It's like the other day, they bring some guy into my office. Big guy, craggy face, desert fatigues, a full bird. He's got this fresh scar running all the way from the corner of one of his eyes right down the side of his neck. One arm in a sling. He salutes, then he drops this stack of photos on my desk with all these pictures of dead bodies. And he's like, "We got them, sir. We killed all those fuckers." And I'm like, who are you? And he's like, "My God, Dad. Don't you recognize me?"

FEITH: He was your son?

RUMSFELD: So he says, he's like, "Don't you remember? The Cubs games? The wrestling lessons? The crawlspace?" And I'm scratching my head, trying to remember. Then a tear drips out of his eye, and he pulls out this snapshot from his wallet. "Jesus, Dad!" he says. "Don't you even remember Halloween?" I look at the picture: there I am, 40 years younger, with my arm around this little kid in a pirate costume!

FEITH: A pirate costume!

RUMSFELD: Yeah. So I take his word for it, you know, and I'm like, "Son, I believe you. Now where were you? Iran?" And he's like, "Iran? My God, Dad, why would we want to invade Iran? That's so like you!" And we just stared at each other. There was just this total disconnect!

FEITH: Kids are difficult.

RUMSFELD: Tell me about it. You just never get back to that golden time. Anyway, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I don't know if we're starting another war. I tried to ask the president about it the other day. We schedule a meeting. I go in there. He's sitting behind his desk and everything's the same as before, except now he's got this big brass plate on his desk that reads, "Ask me to show you my MANDATE!" He's got a plate of tater tots and he's hucking them at Laura's new dog there, making these bomb noises, like "Pyew! Pyew!" And I'm like, "Sir, are we invading Iran?" And he looks up and says, "Iran? That's a great idea! Put Rumsfeld on it!"

FEITH: Jesus! And you say?

RUMSFELD: And I say, "Sir, I am Rumsfeld!" And he says, "You're kidding. Then who was that who was just in here?" And he points to a security monitor. I look at it, and there's a guy walking down the White House corridor, towards the exit, who looks just like me!

FEITH: Who was it?

RUMSFELD: How the hell do I know?

FEITH: Was he Defense?

RUMSFELD: I don't think so. I'm Defense!

FEITH: Hmm. Is there another Defense?

RUMSFELD: I don't think so. I haven't been briefed on it, anyway.

FEITH: Huh. Well, I think this is all positive.

RUMSFELD: How so?

FEITH: Well, if nobody knows what the fuck is going on, and we do start a war, we can at least be sure that nobody will ever be able to sort it all out later.

RUMSFELD: You can say that again. I'm still trying to figure out how Iraq happened. I remember there was a period where I was going on television a lot and saying a whole bunch of shit about Saddam's nuclear program. Next thing I know, my office is filled with maps—and there are all these generals in there, yelling at me about "Boots on the ground"!

FEITH: I hate that. What does that mean, anyway—"Boots on the ground"? Where else would they be?

RUMSFELD: I don't know. I'm afraid to ask. They'd answer me in an acronym, anyway.

FEITH: Negative nonfuck, GEN-CINT! The ASSTWST is a ROGER-DONKEY!

RUMSFELD: Something like that. People sure talk funny around here.

FEITH: So what should we do about this Hersh thing? It seems like a golden opportunity.

RUMSFELD: I don't know, man. I'm pretty sure that whatever it is, we're doing it already.

FEITH: (sighing) Yeah, I guess you're right. God, I love that about us!

RUMSFELD: Me, too. We're with some good people, Douglas. Anyway, it's late.

FEITH: Yup. Good night, Donny.

RUMSFELD: Nite.

 

. This Issue ...........Home............. Contact........Archives

Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

...Then there was the clip of a bunch of Republican Congressmen pointing their ink-stained index fingers in the air.

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Bowtie Bondage

Matt Taibbi

Tucker Carlson is in the news this week. Rumor has it he is going to take Deborah Norville's nine o'clock slot on MSNBC, providing society with the hyperambitious, polysyllabic segue to Scarborough Country it has been lacking all these years. The move comes amidst reports that the network has scrapped plans for its long-anticipated revival show, Alvin Ailey Presents Michael Savage.


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


[sic] - letters

COMMA SUTRA

your article,,is written by an idiot.if it is you,,,oh well,,put the egg in your shoe and beat it.Do you remember sep 11th,,,i guess you don`t,,many firefighters lost their lives that day..I am a firefighter,,as you may have figured out already.i take offense to this article,,as would any fireman..you owe a apology,,you paper is trash,,,your news is trash,,,i use your paper to wipe my butt.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


Subscribe to The BEAST

 

Seriously. We need money bad. $26 / 6 Months in the US, and you get our super-cool paper delivered to your door, virtually ensuring your admission to all of the important FBI watch-lists.


Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?