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Issue #68

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Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe



Comix:

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez



Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Wanna Bet? Pats are Sure Thing - Ronnie Roscoe



Issue #66

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2004

DLC Mooseshit: A Letter to Marshall Wittman - Matt Taibbi

2004: The Year in Regret Timeline

Time Lies: "Person of the Year" Issue Shits in Your Mouth & Calls it a Chocolate Sundae- Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Tsunami Offers Heartfelt Apology

Life Value Calculator

Giambra's Pets raise Questions, Concerns



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs: Looking Back

BEAST-O-Scopes

I HATE YOU: Channel 2 News "On Your Side"

Local Book Reviews

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: Bills, Bledsoe Just not Good Enough - Ronnie Roscoe






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2004 The Beast

The Losman Cometh

Bledsoe's future in question

by Ronnie Roscoe

Hello again my faithful followers; it is I, the amazing Roscoe, here again to give you the best sports insight available in the free world. This week my disciples I have the information you have been waiting for since the Bills season ended. Everyone wants to know who will be the quarterback next season. Will the Bills keep Drew Bledsoe or is it time to turn the page and let young gun J.P. Losman take over? Well, as you might have guessed, only the master knows the true answer to this, and if you read on you will know too.

The NFL season is now over and once again New England has proven to be the best team and franchise in the league. Obviously this does not bode well for Buffalo, as New England appears ready to dominate the division for years to come. The Bills understand they need to improve dramatically not only to compete for the Super Bowl but also inside their own division to attempt to qualify for the playoffs. With this in mind, Roscoe has learned that the Bills have given Losman the starting quarterback position in 2005.

It has been widely speculated that Losman and current starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe would have a "battle" during training camp to decide who will be quarterback next season, but a source close to Losman states the young signal caller has gotten the word that the job is his, and barring any injury or off season problems, Losman is eager to take over the offensive reins. Losman understands the offense and is telling people he is the starter and he is ready to go. Of course the idea that Losman is taking over is not a shock, but what is somewhat surprising is that the Bills have decided not to have an open competition during camp. The Bills have decided in fact to hand over the position and not give Bledsoe the chance to compete and keep his starting position. Losman will be #1 when camp opens. The Bills have yet to decide if Bledsoe would still be around in a back up capacity and/or if Bledsoe would accept such a role-this will work itself out within the next few weeks as Bledsoe has a bonus that is due on March 1. Therefore an action on Bledsoe will take place, but the bottom line is the decision has been made to move on and Losman is the candidate the Bills have chosen.

If the Bills and Bledsoe chose to part, the veteran will have very few options. Besides the gig as Losman's understudy there are very few situations where Bledsoe would have an opportunity to play. The obvious thought is Dallas with Bill Parcells and one never knows how Parcells thinks, but it would seem to be a long shot. There is possible interest in Arizona, Oakland and also Seattle, where Seahawk quarterback Matt Hassleback may be let go. Bledsoe of course is a native of Walla Walla, Washington and attended Washington State. These are all places that might have some interest in his services, but none would pay as much or be easier to move into as just staying with the Bills.

Of course it will all depend on money. The Bills, in particular Tom Donahoe, were able to delay this decision last year by re-negotiating Bledsoe's contract. They could have cut Bledsoe last year and taken a very mild salary cap hit, but the Bills did not have a better option than Bledsoe so despite the fact they wanted to sever ties last season, they had to keep him around as the starter. With young Losman ready to handle the duties that is no longer the case and the Bills have the upper hand in the negotiations with Bledsoe. The Bills would still lose 4 million in cap space if they let him go, so he will either accept their offer at a much lower rate, or he can attempt to find employment elsewhere.

If Bledsoe is let go it will be a sad ending to his career with the Bills. Donahoe made a huge splash when he "stole" Bledsoe from the Pats on draft day 2002 and did not have to give up a pick until the following draft. It was thought to be the perfect match as Bledsoe was whisked into town and an impromptu parade at One Bills Drive culminated with Bledsoe speaking to a roaring crowd. Bills fans were excited and the feeling was similar to 1986 when Jim Kelly finally arrived as Bills quarterback. Bledsoe quickly paid dividends, leading the Bills to five victories in his first eight games as a Bill. The offense was as potent as there was in football for those eight games, but the last 2.5 years were difficult for Bledsoe and despite some success last season, the coaching staff and management understand the time has come to move on.

It remains to be seen if Losman is good enough to be a starting quarterback in the NFL. The jury is out and likely will be for a year or two, but the decision to make him a starter is the correct one. At this point, the Bills can't guarantee Losman to be a top of the line QB, but they can be sure Bledsoe is not. The top teams all have established stars at quarterback or up and coming talented performers. Sure, on occasion a Trent Dilfer can win a Super Bowl, but nine times out of 10 the top teams have top quarterbacks, and Bledsoe will never again be a top quarterback. Just look at the playoff teams: Brady, McNabb, Manning, Vick, Rothlesberger, and Culpepper-if the Bills want to compete, Losman will need to be thought of in the same category.

 


 

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Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

...Then there was the clip of a bunch of Republican Congressmen pointing their ink-stained index fingers in the air.

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Bowtie Bondage

Matt Taibbi

Tucker Carlson is in the news this week. Rumor has it he is going to take Deborah Norville's nine o'clock slot on MSNBC, providing society with the hyperambitious, polysyllabic segue to Scarborough Country it has been lacking all these years. The move comes amidst reports that the network has scrapped plans for its long-anticipated revival show, Alvin Ailey Presents Michael Savage.


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


[sic] - letters

COMMA SUTRA

your article,,is written by an idiot.if it is you,,,oh well,,put the egg in your shoe and beat it.Do you remember sep 11th,,,i guess you don`t,,many firefighters lost their lives that day..I am a firefighter,,as you may have figured out already.i take offense to this article,,as would any fireman..you owe a apology,,you paper is trash,,,your news is trash,,,i use your paper to wipe my butt.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.


Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.


Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?