Issue #69

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Gannonballs: Republicans Defend Gay Man, Pigs Fly - Allan Uthman

Not Funny: You're Either With Kurt Andersen or the Terrorists - Matt Taibbi

Kyoto Fried Chicken: Where's Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum when you need them? - Alexander Zaitchik

Who Killed Gonzo? You're a Prime Suspect - Chris Crawford

No, Your Other Left: Americans Don't Know Which Way to Turn - Matt Taibbi


Q&A: The Beastmo Disinformer

What Your GOP Man Really Means

4 Rules to Avoid Dating Disaster - by Harvard Prez Larry Summers

Are You Being Tortured? The Beastmo Quiz

The Top 10 Coiffures of 2005 - N. Sorrenti

A Word From Our Sponsors


Buffalo in Briefs


Page 5

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

Music Reviews:

The Perceptionists

Chin Up Chin Up/ Sub Rosa

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner


Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Issue #68

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Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent


Buffalo in Briefs


Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner


Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe

Issue #67

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Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine



Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs


Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

RSS Feed

Contact Us


Archives--Old BEASTs







© 2004 The Beast



Score 0 points for every time you answered "A," 1 point for each "B," and 2 points for each "C."


Almost Torture

  I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t ‘almost torture’—torture?” Although you may be in a serious amount of pain or be subjected to homoerotic humiliation as a way of making you spill the beans, it’s only torture if I say it’s torture. And I don’t say it’s torture; I say those methods are completely legal, ethical and necessary to ensure a productive relationship with that special army private or commercial contractor.

  When your guy starts to manhandle you or cover you in your own feces, remember: would you rather still be getting busy with that Saddam loser? I didn’t think so.

  You’re just being pessimistic. Be a glass-half-full kind of prisoner and lay down your jihadist ways—and talk motherfucker; talk or so help me I will shove this broom handle so far up your rectum you won’t be able to kneel for afternoon prayers.

  Try to focus on all the fun times you’ve had while being held captive. Don’t be shy to break out the old photo album to recapture some of the magic your relationship once had. And never forget, your mind and body are now property of the US military, so give up all hope and try to enjoy yourself.


Rough Trade

You’re so into playing the insurgent detainee role that you’re coming on stronger than Hurricane Winnie. The second a guy takes you near the rape rooms, you start kicking and screaming like you didn’t know what you were getting into. The problem? Not only will your desperation get you a more severe beating and the top stop on the naked human pyramid of shame, but it will also diminish your good standing in the eyes of Allah.

  To chill out a little, try deleting the words ouch and ahhhhhhhh from your pain-response vocabulary when you’re first getting questioned. Try “Oh, that sort of smarts” instead. Besides making you sound cooler, that may save you a serious lashing or hours and hours of being forced into physically strenuous positions.

  Once you do become detained for suspected insurgency, consider your needs too. If you don’t want to be urinated on or forced to masturbate while a vicious dog snaps its teeth near your face, tell your interrogator all he wants to know. And don’t be afraid of what he’ll think if you rat out everyone you have ever met to avoid the pain—Americans routinely soil their reputations just for a chance to be on “Judge Judy.” Last tip: Make sure you do things purely for you-after all, it’s your body, so spill your guts. And if you are genuinely innocent—sucks to be you! Try making something up.


Quit Being Such a Pussy

  It’s not that you’re exempt from indefinite detention or serious injury at the hands of your captors; it’s just that getting severely beaten may not be the most appetizing option on your interrogation menu right now. That’s why your captors opt to keep things casual while trying to crack your psyche like an egg.

 At this stage of the relationship you can still look forward to being pampered and spoiled as your infidel captor attempts to woo precious information from you by rewarding your compliance. Be careful not to give it all up in the first few dates; give your captor reason to see you again instead of him having no more use for you and throwing your charred remains into a mass grave. Why buy the cow if the milk is free? You know what I’m saying.

  You may worry about feeling shame in the eyes of Allah. You’re hesitant to invest too much emotionally, only to have it not work out. But you have to take some risks and open up more. You’re only denying yourself true intimacy.

  To get primed for having a deeper bond, it’s time to be honest with yourself. Stop keeping the interrogators that at such a distance—whether it’s talk of jihad or facing Mecca during prayer. And stop spitting in their faces; that only happens in the movies—you know what I mean, mujahadeen?

  As for any fleeting thoughts you hold for freedom—sorry Chalabi, that is never going to happen. So just get that out of your head and accept your doom whether you’re guilty or not. Remember, an exciting relationship with your infidel captors is possible—but only if you let it happen.


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It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid

Allan Uthman

Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.

Not Funny

Matt Taibbi

Man, is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published, still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how it all works out at the end of the rainbow.

What Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means

Everyone knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season. They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties. Here's a guide to help you out.

Kyoto Fried Chicken

Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.

Beastmo Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?

AG Alberto Gonzalez

Relationships are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.

Buffalo in Briefs

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works."

[sic] - letters



I represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:

(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.

(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."

Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.

Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?

Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.

Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”

Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.

Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.

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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.