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Issue #69

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Features:

Gannonballs: Republicans Defend Gay Man, Pigs Fly - Allan Uthman

Not Funny: You're Either With Kurt Andersen or the Terrorists - Matt Taibbi

Kyoto Fried Chicken: Where's Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum when you need them? - Alexander Zaitchik

Who Killed Gonzo? You're a Prime Suspect - Chris Crawford

No, Your Other Left: Americans Don't Know Which Way to Turn - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Q&A: The Beastmo Disinformer

What Your GOP Man Really Means

4 Rules to Avoid Dating Disaster - by Harvard Prez Larry Summers

Are You Being Tortured? The Beastmo Quiz

The Top 10 Coiffures of 2005 - N. Sorrenti

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 5

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

The Perceptionists

Chin Up Chin Up/ Sub Rosa

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez




Issue #68

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe





Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner







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2004 The Beast

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works". The ludicrous Red Budget, meant to force a new "temporary" sales tax hike to ensure no precious patronage, pork, or perks would be lost, blew up in Giambra and the legislature's face, and the greedheads are quite pissed off at us citizens for saying enough is enough. $108 million in hasty cuts have been made in a fashion that punishes the very people the County purports to work for as much as possible. Since the parks are closed down, all dog owners are being directed to Giambra's house at the corner of Delaware and Middlesex and encouraged to leave as many messages as possible on the lawn. The county government is so defective and out of touch with reality that they couldn't work together on a plan, and a judge had to actually order them to fulfill their duties. That's how ridiculous these folks are. Mostly they hate each other and carry on pointless feuds like it's kindergarten recess. The fiscal meltdown means our bond ratings will be downgraded for the second time in six months and makes the idea of a merging Buffalo into Erie county an idiots' dream. But if this nightmare is what it takes to actually wake up you sleeping zombies, then we're all for it. Bring on the pain, we can take it because must of us are broke and unemployed and sick of bending over every time you high minded motherfuckers need more getaway cash. This government has lost all credibility in the face of the electorate and needs to be replaced ASAP, so don't miss the opportunity come election time if you're still awake! In the meantime there's a petition to recall Joel Giambra at www.ipetitions.com/campaigns/Joel_Giambra.


Dog Day Afternoon

Brilliant police work led to the breakup of a vicious dog-fighting ring here in the Queen City. Well, okay, it was an anonymous tip, but at least 25 dogs were rescued from a home on Bissell Avenue on the East Side and two men in their 40s were arrested and charged with animal fighting, torture and injury, along with separate charges for drug and weapons possession. It's just sad when dogfighting promoters get mixed up with guns and drugs, you know? The pit bulls were in various stages of their careers, some time-worn and battle scarred, others itching for the action of the ring after rigorous "professional" training. The dogs were running around a house which had degenerated into a waste-stained nightmare, and police found a dead dog stuffed in a plastic bag left casually in the backyard awaiting garbage day. It's a strange, maddening world when people behave in such a psychotic manner, especially while the government's spending billions inventing RoboSoldiers when these brainiacs could just train a bunch of ruthless, bloodthirsty dogs to track down and kill our various dark hued enemies around the world. No, that would be too easy and cost effective, and animal rights groups would go berserk. It's a good thing someone finally blew the operation in, only problem is it probably wasn't the terrified next door neighbors but a disgruntled gambling junkie who's dog coulda' been a contender.



Good News

You'll appreciate this one if you live in Allentown: The YWCA is finally closing down the loony bin at 245 North Street! Now we love retarded people of any age and wish them all a swift relocation somewhere far from our neck of the woods, a nice place in Amherst would be great and certainly help broaden some uptight suburban horizons. The 100,000 square foot apartment building was built in 1926 to house single women, a really, really great idea that begs the question why? The place was single pussy central before some idiot decided to fill it with the mentally deranged and that person should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law if the statute of limitations hasn't run out. Sure, the wandering, raving residents are always good for a cheap laugh but in the end they're pretty annoying, stopping you on the street, speaking in tongues, trying to touch you. Wealthy readers are encouraged to band together to buy the place and return it to the glory days of the roaring '20's when a desperate man knew exactly where to find a wanton piece of ass.



Bass Pro

Grinning Bass Pro executives signed a memorandum of agreement with the city about turning the Aud into the wondrous Outdoor World Store. Don't get your hopes up just yet, remember the Senecas had one of those deals and it means nothing besides allowing for the legal transfer of New York State tax funds to Southern profiteers. Mayor Masiello needs this deal like he needs an actual human brain to even have an outside shot at winning reelection, so look for him to crow about Bass Pro every time he opens his craw. True to form, Joel Giambra tried to shit all over the party, declaring he won't sign nothing,' because the county's all fucked up and he's pissed about losing a small fraction of his patronage positions. The whole thing is surreal, they announce it as a done deal three months ago and it took this long to sign a simple preliminary agreement? Hmmm, seems things are not as they seem, who knows what's going on behind the scenes but we can guess: the pigs are lining up at the feed trough, licking their pasty fat lips and drooling in anticipation of the slop chute opening up. There will be gorging on this one, big time, and cost overruns, and you, good taxpayer, are footing the bill. Oh, and you also have to go to the place everyday and buy something expensive once it opens or it'll go under and then it'll be all your fault the plan didn't work.



Incomplete

Bye Drew! It's the only way to guarantee the Bills won't hand off their playoff chances to some third-stringer to gallop off and score an easy season-ending touchdown next year. So what if Losman's only thrown a handful of mostly-poor passes in his professional career, he'll be a lot more interesting to watch, if Lawyer Milloy doesn't break his leg in training camp again. Bledsoe is an anachronism, an immobile throwback to the era of bad uniforms and ugly cheerleaders. Still, we wish Drew all the best--have fun in Dallas, buddy! For the record, we'd like to note that the Beast had this story first.

In other sporting news, the 2005 professional hockey season's over before it ever even started. Lord Stanley's cup will not be awarded for the first time since the 1917 flu epidemic. It's a more modern problem the NHL is having today, one based on greed, mismanagement, and dumb rules which have squeezed much of the excitement out of the game. Commissioner Gary Bettman will be vilified in the history books, and rightly so. He's the man in charge and owns all the blame for not doing everything in his power to fix the situation. Sure, the players are overpaid, but they're now willing to accept a salary cap, or at least were until the season was canceled, rendering good-faith negotiations pointless. In the end, both sides are dumb for refusing to make money for the sake of making more money, and for jeopardizing their ability to continue to make money. Now it's back to square zero, and hockey fans left in limbo are being told not to worry, keep those hard earned dollars handy for when the NHL comes back from the dead with a new and improved product. Just don't hold your breath.

 

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It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid

Allan Uthman

Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.


Not Funny

Matt Taibbi

Man, is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published, still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how it all works out at the end of the rainbow.


What Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means

Everyone knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season. They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties. Here's a guide to help you out.


Kyoto Fried Chicken

Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.


Beastmo Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?

AG Alberto Gonzalez

Relationships are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.


Buffalo in Briefs

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works."


[sic] - letters

CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'

Gentlemen:

I represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:

(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.

(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."



Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.