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Issue #69

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Features:

Gannonballs: Republicans Defend Gay Man, Pigs Fly - Allan Uthman

Not Funny: You're Either With Kurt Andersen or the Terrorists - Matt Taibbi

Kyoto Fried Chicken: Where's Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum when you need them? - Alexander Zaitchik

Who Killed Gonzo? You're a Prime Suspect - Chris Crawford

No, Your Other Left: Americans Don't Know Which Way to Turn - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Q&A: The Beastmo Disinformer

What Your GOP Man Really Means

4 Rules to Avoid Dating Disaster - by Harvard Prez Larry Summers

Are You Being Tortured? The Beastmo Quiz

The Top 10 Coiffures of 2005 - N. Sorrenti

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 5

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

The Perceptionists

Chin Up Chin Up/ Sub Rosa

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez




Issue #68

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe





Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner







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© 2004 The Beast

Top 10 Coiffures of 2005

by N. Sorrenti

Put down that Flowbee! Forget the Aniston and the Caesar. We’ve got the scoop on what the hot new hairdos will be this year from A-list stylists in LA, NY, DC and Buffalo. Here’s our top ten—get ‘em while they’re hot!

 

10.) The Cult Part

Popular with altar boys and landscapers, the cult part is casual enough for eating wings with friends, yet frightening enough to jut menacingly from the bushes on the jogging path. This hair requires little maintenance, and uses its own natural oils to matt itself to the sides of the head, making it the hairstyle of choice for alcoholics and people on fixed budgets. Examples: Iron Chef Bobby Flay, Shemp, Fisher-Price action figures

 

9.) The Aqua Net Tsunami

Rarely seen outside the parking lot of Ralph Wilson Stadium, the Aqua Net Tsunami is a tangle of coarse white straw, rising from a nest of black roots.  Often seen cavorting with “Bills Fan Hair,” the Tsunami cannot be confused with any other hair. Its great crest of bleach defies science and reason, and an encounter with one is often a harrowing event not soon to be forgotten. Examples: Dr. Laura Schiessinger, Jill Kelly, over-tanned hussies

 

8.) The Lesser Cavuto

The Lesser Cavuto may appear to flutter gently in the wind, only to return to its signature “mortal pang” position unscathed. Popular with youth group counselors, the Lesser Cavuto must not be confused with its precursor, the Greater Cavuto, which is considerably longer, and utilizes the sinister “double pang” to great affect. Examples: Neil Cavuto, Satan, Log Cabin Republicans

 

7.) The American Eagle

With a properly tanned head and hoop earring, the American Eagle can be a real show stopper. Common in teens that have nothing better to do than walk around the mall, spending other people’s money and trading Hillary Duff wannabes iced coffee drinks for 

BJs. Is known to frequent bulbous, vaguely disinterested heads. Examples: Clay Aiken, every homo at the Sun Capsule

 

6.) The Kim Jong Il Double back

No one is immune to the shame caused by an uncle sporting a Kim Jong Il Double Back.  Caused by a misalignment in the spine, the characteristic bouffant makes enjoying a hat virtually impossible. Examples: Robert Stack, Terry Buchwald, Roy Orbison

 

5.) The Daddy Bush

Back after twenty years for no good reason other than the fact that it strikes fear into the hearts of men. The Daddy Bush is held firm with orphan blood, and features a secret panel just above the sideburns for storing missile launch codes. Examples:  Daddy Bush, the bastard child of Daddy Bush

 

4.) The C-B Triple

The only hairstyle to have a sandwich named after it, former Bills Linebacker Cornelius Bennett was surely ahead of his time when he popularized this thick cube of black curls. A hair so dense, it was once theorized to be held in place by cosmic Dark Matter. Photographers have noted that the light from their camera flashes becomes absorbed by the C-B Triple’s cube, making it impossible to take pictures without using specially designed gamma wave bulbs. Examples: Disenfranchised Voters, Bell Biv DeVoe

 

3.) The Bakula Backlash

Able to withstand the tumultuous wormholes of deep space, the Bakula Backlash is the style of choice for people who may have stepped into Quantum Leap Accelerator Chambers and found themselves trapped in the past,  facing mirror images that are not their own, and driven by an annoying old man to change history for the better. Examples: Sean Hannity, Hitler, DA Hank McCoy on “Law and Order”

 

  2.) The Double Bang Jedi Bombardier

Common among star fighters, The Double Bang occurs when an X-Wing pilot fails to adjust his seat properly and is forced to fly with his head jammed into the glass roof of his cockpit. Able to reproduce by parthenogenesis, a Double Bang Jedi Bombardier may produce up to eight hundred offspring each year, which often escape into the wilderness and compete with native fauna for territory. Examples: Charles in Charge, the City Mattress guy, neglected children

 

1.) The Weeping Caviezel

Impervious to heat, the Weeping Caviezel will never be fully dry, creating the much sought after “damp” look. Also known as “The Hebrew Nomad,” the Caviezel’s ability to retain moisture makes it a popular style among Renaissance festival scribes, and its good boy “I died for your sins” curls will have the ladies swooning. Examples: Braveheart, the Apostle Paul, Jesus

 

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It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid

Allan Uthman

Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.


Not Funny

Matt Taibbi

Man, is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published, still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how it all works out at the end of the rainbow.


What Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means

Everyone knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season. They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties. Here's a guide to help you out.


Kyoto Fried Chicken

Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.


Beastmo Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?

AG Alberto Gonzalez

Relationships are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.


Buffalo in Briefs

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works."


[sic] - letters

CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'

Gentlemen:

I represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:

(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.

(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."



Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.