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Issue #69

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Features:

Gannonballs: Republicans Defend Gay Man, Pigs Fly - Allan Uthman

Not Funny: You're Either With Kurt Andersen or the Terrorists - Matt Taibbi

Kyoto Fried Chicken: Where's Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum when you need them? - Alexander Zaitchik

Who Killed Gonzo? You're a Prime Suspect - Chris Crawford

No, Your Other Left: Americans Don't Know Which Way to Turn - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Q&A: The Beastmo Disinformer

What Your GOP Man Really Means

4 Rules to Avoid Dating Disaster - by Harvard Prez Larry Summers

Are You Being Tortured? The Beastmo Quiz

The Top 10 Coiffures of 2005 - N. Sorrenti

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 5

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

The Perceptionists

Chin Up Chin Up/ Sub Rosa

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez




Issue #68

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe





Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner







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Who Killed Gonzo?

Chris Crawford

“I have spent my life trying to get away from journalism, but I am still mired in it­-a low trade habit worse than heroin, a strange seedy world full of misfits and drunkards and failures. A group photo of the top ten journalists in America on any given day would be a monument to human ugliness. It is not a trade that attracts a lot of slick people; none of the Calvin Klein crowd or international jet set types. The sun will set in a blazing red sky to the east of Casablanca before a journalist appears on the cover of People magazine.”

- Hunter S. Thompson

No one had the ability to laser through the fat and expose the raw meat of humanity like Hunter Thompson…No one. He spent the bulk of his career in search of and pontificating on the existence of the American Dream, a search that took him down the seedy back alleys of fact and the untamed wilderness of fiction. It was a search that took him deep into the sickness existing at the very core of humanity. Sure, there were others that made the same journeys as he, but none had the intestinal fortitude to admit the ugliness was just as much a part of them as everyone else, and anyone that did not like Hunter Thompson did so because they didn’t get the joke. For many of us, he was the last Guardian of the Old Republic, always there to ensure that the unworthy would not pass through the gates.

So imagine my surprise when I heard that the son of a bitch had killed himself. I responded to the news with complete incredulity and thought it must be some sort of clowny fun of his to leak such a tale to the media, only to resurrect himself three days later claiming to be the savior. That is what I wanted, an over-the-top joke that offended all the right people on the wrong side of the fence.

The truth, however, is far less entertaining than my fanciful imagination.

The obvious question is why would he do it? Why would he kill himself after surviving such an aberrant and arduous life? Some will say that a life of guns, booze and narcotics can have only one outcome. Some will say that Thompson was and has always been mentally unstable. Some will say he had a fight with his wife, or took revenge on his deteriorating body, but then again some will always say something.

In truth, the answer is quite simple and ugly and execrable; Thompson didn’t kill himself, he was murdered. He was murdered by We the People of the United States of America and our gross betrayal of everything that this nation is supposed to stand for. The high priests of the Snake Oil Consortium stood before the gates, garbed in their gold-laden robes, uttering silver tongued promises of a new god and a new life far better than any we had ever known, safe from all threats, real or imagined, with no mention of cost or consequence. Yet the gates remained closed because the old eyes of the Guardian could not be tricked, his eyes could see beyond the words and the robes and through to the reptilian hue of the high priests skin. He knew all too well of the monsters outside the gates and stood fast to protect his charge from the flesh eaters, ever ready to drench his sword in their cold blood.

It was at that moment when his back was turned to the children of the Old Republic, when his back was turned to those he loved and protected, that we struck. We stabbed him with our greed and our ignorance. We hacked at him with our fear and apathy and bathed in his blood, dancing like heathens as the flesh eaters strolled arrogantly through the gates and into the heart of the Old Republic, filling it with their venom.

We murdered Hunter Thompson because we betrayed the American Dream. We the People handed over our freedom for an illusion; we have allowed freedom to become a word used to justify murder and evil deeds. We handed over our freedom because we forgot what it was and we will pay for our ignorance in flesh and blood and chaos. When We the People finally go to Hell, it will be straight to the lowest level so we can join Judas, Brutus and Cassius in the mouths of the three headed beast, because we betrayed what we knew was best for us, we betrayed ourselves out of envy and fear.

Maybe this is less of a eulogy than it is the closing argument of a murder trial, but I really don’t give a shit about all that because the Pigfuckers, Waterheads and Whorehoppers are standing in the middle of the battlefield claiming victory and commanding those of us left standing to lay down our weapons. To that I say “fuck you!” Someone needs to spit in their faces, even if it’s on the way down. Someone needs to keep the banner of the Old Republic held high in the breeze. Even after I am gone, my hate for these scum will rise into the cosmos and become a bright burning star in the pantheon of the universe.

When Thompson wrote of the American Dream it was as a metaphor for freedom, and Thompson died because he knew he knew the sad and sorry truth.

The American Dream is dead; we cut it into pieces and sold it for a bag of magic beans.

 

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It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid

Allan Uthman

Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.


Not Funny

Matt Taibbi

Man, is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published, still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how it all works out at the end of the rainbow.


What Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means

Everyone knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season. They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties. Here's a guide to help you out.


Kyoto Fried Chicken

Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.


Beastmo Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?

AG Alberto Gonzalez

Relationships are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.


Buffalo in Briefs

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works."


[sic] - letters

CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'

Gentlemen:

I represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:

(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.

(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."



Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.