The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

Constantine

When you see trailers for Constantine, you see a lot of imagery of hell, you hear Keanu Reeves mention God and the Devil, but nothing in that preview prepares you for the purgatory that Constantine unleashes on the senses when you sit down to watch it.

Constantine is the big screen adaptation of the DC comics Hellblazer graphic novels about John Constantine, a man caught between heaven and hell and aware of the existence of angels and demons on Earth. He’s kind of an exorcist who keeps things in check, to the dismay of both sides.

The fact that a comic book movie that’s not really for kids has made it to the screen is kind of refreshing. But the bad news is that, just like last year’s Hellboy, it’s kind of...what’s the word I’m looking for? Anticlimactic.

I know I’m going to catch a lot of shit here, but Keanu Reeves can actually act when he wants to. Anyone who’s seen the underrated Sam Raimi gem The Gift can vouch for this. But here in Constantine, he acts like a caricature of one of the antiheroic characters from a Sergio Leone western. Kind of like a Harley guy who actually rides a moped. It’s just kind of unfortunate that he gets by on his presence, knowing damn well that every female who’s had a crush on him since ‘88 will go and see anything he’s in, regardless of how good or bad it looks.

The effects are fantastic, as is the imagery. The Batmanesque weaponry (Jesus brass knuckles) makes you think you’re watching Dead Alive (“I kick ass for The Lord!”) at points. There are a few cool scenes, but Gavin Rossdale (Mr. Gwen Stefani) unfortunately has a part, and for the most part you’re just waiting for the action. And when that action comes, it’s very reminiscent of the Blade movies, as is the whole theme of Constantine. Take that any way you want.

The highlight of Constantine comes in the last fifteen minutes, when Lucifer shows up. He’s played by Peter Stormare (the guy who put Steve Buscemi in the woodchipper at the end of Fargo) and comes across as Marilyn Manson’s gay older brother, who beat up P.Diddy for his wardrobe.

I’d wait until it hits the second-run theaters or bamboozle someone into paying my way if I were to relive the whole Constantine chapter again, but that’s just me.

Son of the Mask

Do you have the attention span of a cigarette butt? Do you have the overwhelming desire to piss your money away for no reason whatsoever? Would you have no idea what quality entertainment is even if it were to remove your genitals and feed them to you? Do you have no taste whatsoever?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you not only waste precious space and oxygen, but you are probably the kind of person who would not only like, but love Son of the Mask.

If you remember the original Mask, you’ll recall that it was mildly amusing and more forgettable than reality TV. But if that’s truly the case, then that last comment would make no sense at all. So just forget I said it.

Jaime Kennedy plays the main character, and often plays second fiddle to a computer-animated baby, if that’s any indication of just how bad this movie gets. It’s bad enough in theory, but actually seeing this horror in practice is a whole other cantankerous and nasty animal. I actually felt less disturbed after watching The Sorrow and the Pity.

Son of the Mask is filled with bright images, loud noises, and plenty of disgusting things that are only appealing to children who are babysat by their television sets.

I’ve endured mace attacks that were easier on the eyes. Picture Starr Jones in a thong, dipped in sauerkraut, sitting out on a hot summer day in an enclosed porch with no ventilation. She’s singing show tunes as you’re force-fed dollar store pudding by a very friendly large gay man who keeps trying to paw at your goods.

In a nutshell, there was no reason for Son of the Mask to be made, no reason for it to be seen, and in the name of decency, no reason for those responsible to draw one more breath.

Because of Winn-Dixie

The problem with a lot of children’s movies is that they only try to entertain the kids. There’s really no incentive for adults to bother, with the exception of the relief of stopping a nagging child dead in their tracks. The better children’s movies keep children entertained as well as engage adults.

Because of Winn-Dixie is not one of those movies. It’s one of the formulaic kids’ movies that features a lonely little kid who meets a dog that becomes her best friend in a world where no one understands her. Of course there’s conflict and, when all works out in the end, there’s the parent who lets the kid keep the dog. It’s enough to make you cry—or puke.

The story is told at a third-grade reading level and works under the crass presumption that everyone who will ever view it is weighed down by extra chromosomes and third nipples. But, while I normally consider it an insult to see a movie that’s told to me in car salesman style, that’s not even the worst part of it all.

The strychnine in the shitpile comes in the form of Dave Matthews. That’s right, Dave Matthews. The same Dave Matthews who is the scourge of the music industry. The same Dave Matthews who is loved by idiotic college students everywhere who are well into their seventh year of college. The same Dave Matthews who writes music that anyone who still has a fraction of a clue could listen to a billion times and still not get. Just like they wouldn’t understand what the hell he’s doing in this movie.

The Demonic One plays a pet store owner who pulls out his guitar and plays a little ditty whenever the animals in the shop get whipped up.

I’m not a parent myself (as if you hadn’t guessed), but I do have a novel idea. It’s going to seem a little out there, but just bear with me. Instead of taking your kid or any kid to see this movie, why don’t you read them a book? Take them to a library. A museum. Even a parking lot would be better than subjecting them to this kind of crapola. The fact of the matter is that this story is going to be told a million times more in your kid’s and even your lifetime. You don’t need to see this one.

Hitch

It seems like every year there’s a movie specifically geared for Valentine’s Day. It’s almost always a romantic comedy. You know, like Daredevil. But lately, it seems as though these movies are made for the sole purpose of having something for boring couples to go and see on that dreaded day.

Take Hitch, for example. It’s the story of a smooth-as-shit-from-a-duck’s-ass guy who helps hapless losers get their love lives on track. He tells them what to say, shows them how to dress, how to act, and even how to dance. But when it comes to his own skills with the ladies, he turns into a total fool. Well shit, if that’s not a recipe for comedy, I don’t know what is!

The movie is based entirely on the charm and presence of Will Smith. His one-liners and pizzazz are the foundation of this movie, which is like anything you’ve seen before. Hitch has its moments as it co-stars Eva Mendez, but we all know that she’s never going to be as good as she was in Training Day, and that’s only because we got to see her naked.

Things continue to go downhill with co-star Kevin James, one of the many fat and obnoxious men of network television who stars in a show where he’s married to a hot wife on “The King of Queens.” He’s just as fat and annoying as he is on television, but here he doesn’t have the demented Jerry Stiller to make enduring him worthwhile. Notice how I made no mention to Leah Remini because, well...watch the show now and you’ll see what I mean. She’s going to lay a fifty-year guilt trip on her kids about how she used to have a great figure before she had them.

All in all, Hitch is kind of like those stupid Christmas stuffed animals you see in the checkout line at any given store around the holidays. You see them and you may even be tempted to buy one. But you know damned well that once December 25^th has passed, the odds of you picking one of them up is as likely as not getting solicited to buy a laptop at a bus stop.

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It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid

Allan Uthman

Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.

Not Funny

Matt Taibbi

Man, is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published, still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how it all works out at the end of the rainbow.

What Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means

Everyone knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season. They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties. Here's a guide to help you out.

Kyoto Fried Chicken

Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.

Beastmo Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?

AG Alberto Gonzalez

Relationships are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.

Buffalo in Briefs

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works."

[sic] - letters

CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'

Gentlemen:

I represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:

(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.

(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."

Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.

Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?

Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.

Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”

Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.

Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.

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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.