you see trailers for Constantine, you see a lot of imagery of
hell, you hear Keanu Reeves mention God and the Devil, but nothing in
that preview prepares you for the purgatory that Constantine
unleashes on the senses when you sit down to watch it.
is the big screen adaptation of the DC comics Hellblazer graphic
novels about John Constantine, a man caught between heaven and hell
and aware of the existence of angels and demons on Earth. Heís kind
of an exorcist who keeps things in check, to the dismay of both sides.
fact that a comic book movie thatís not really for kids has made it
to the screen is kind of refreshing. But the bad news is that, just
like last yearís Hellboy, itís kind of...whatís the word Iím
looking for? Anticlimactic.
know Iím going to catch a lot of shit here, but Keanu Reeves can actually
act when he wants to. Anyone whoís seen the underrated Sam Raimi gem
The Gift can vouch for this. But here in Constantine,
he acts like a caricature of one of the antiheroic characters from a
Sergio Leone western. Kind of like a Harley guy who actually rides a
moped. Itís just kind of unfortunate that he gets by on his presence,
knowing damn well that every female whoís had a crush on him since Ď88
will go and see anything heís in, regardless of how good or bad it looks.
effects are fantastic, as is the imagery. The Batmanesque weaponry (Jesus
brass knuckles) makes you think youíre watching Dead Alive (ďI
kick ass for The Lord!Ē) at points. There are a few cool scenes, but
Gavin Rossdale (Mr. Gwen Stefani) unfortunately has a part, and for
the most part youíre just waiting for the action. And when that action
comes, itís very reminiscent of the Blade movies, as is the whole
theme of Constantine. Take that any way you want.
highlight of Constantine comes in the last fifteen minutes, when
Lucifer shows up. Heís played by Peter Stormare (the guy who put Steve
Buscemi in the woodchipper at the end of Fargo) and comes across
as Marilyn Mansonís gay older brother, who beat up P.Diddy for his wardrobe.
wait until it hits the second-run theaters or bamboozle someone into
paying my way if I were to relive the whole Constantine chapter
again, but thatís just me.
Son of the Mask
you have the attention span of a cigarette butt? Do you have the overwhelming
desire to piss your money away for no reason whatsoever? Would you have
no idea what quality entertainment is even if it were to remove your
genitals and feed them to you? Do you have no taste whatsoever?
you answered yes to any of these questions, you not only waste precious
space and oxygen, but you are probably the kind of person who would
not only like, but love Son of the Mask.
you remember the original Mask, youíll recall that it was mildly
amusing and more forgettable than reality TV. But if thatís truly the
case, then that last comment would make no sense at all. So just forget
I said it.
Kennedy plays the main character, and often plays second fiddle to a
computer-animated baby, if thatís any indication of just how bad this
movie gets. Itís bad enough in theory, but actually seeing this horror
in practice is a whole other cantankerous and nasty animal. I actually
felt less disturbed after watching The Sorrow and the Pity.
Son of the Mask
is filled with bright images, loud noises, and plenty of disgusting
things that are only appealing to children who are babysat by their
endured mace attacks that were easier on the eyes. Picture Starr Jones
in a thong, dipped in sauerkraut, sitting out on a hot summer day in
an enclosed porch with no ventilation. Sheís singing show tunes as youíre
force-fed dollar store pudding by a very friendly large gay man who
keeps trying to paw at your goods.
a nutshell, there was no reason for Son of the Mask to be made,
no reason for it to be seen, and in the name of decency, no reason for
those responsible to draw one more breath.
Because of Winn-Dixie
problem with a lot of childrenís movies is that they only try to entertain
the kids. Thereís really no incentive for adults to bother, with the
exception of the relief of stopping a nagging child dead in their tracks.
The better childrenís movies keep children entertained as well as engage
Because of Winn-Dixie
is not one of those movies. Itís one of the formulaic kidsí movies that
features a lonely little kid who meets a dog that becomes her best friend
in a world where no one understands her. Of course thereís conflict
and, when all works out in the end, thereís the parent who lets the
kid keep the dog. Itís enough to make you cryóor puke.
story is told at a third-grade reading level and works under the crass
presumption that everyone who will ever view it is weighed down by extra
chromosomes and third nipples. But, while I normally consider it an
insult to see a movie thatís told to me in car salesman style, thatís
not even the worst part of it all.
strychnine in the shitpile comes in the form of Dave Matthews. Thatís
right, Dave Matthews. The same Dave Matthews who is the scourge of the
music industry. The same Dave Matthews who is loved by idiotic college
students everywhere who are well into their seventh year of college.
The same Dave Matthews who writes music that anyone who still has a
fraction of a clue could listen to a billion times and still not get.
Just like they wouldnít understand what the hell heís doing in this
Demonic One plays a pet store owner who pulls out his guitar and plays
a little ditty whenever the animals in the shop get whipped up.
not a parent myself (as if you hadnít guessed), but I do have a novel
idea. Itís going to seem a little out there, but just bear with me.
Instead of taking your kid or any kid to see this movie, why donít you
read them a book? Take them to a library. A museum. Even a parking lot
would be better than subjecting them to this kind of crapola. The fact
of the matter is that this story is going to be told a million times
more in your kidís and even your lifetime. You donít need to see this
seems like every year thereís a movie specifically geared for Valentineís
Day. Itís almost always a romantic comedy. You know, like Daredevil.
But lately, it seems as though these movies are made for the sole purpose
of having something for boring couples to go and see on that dreaded
Hitch, for example. Itís the story of a smooth-as-shit-from-a-duckís-ass
guy who helps hapless losers get their love lives on track. He tells
them what to say, shows them how to dress, how to act, and even how
to dance. But when it comes to his own skills with the ladies, he turns
into a total fool. Well shit, if thatís not a recipe for comedy, I donít
know what is!
movie is based entirely on the charm and presence of Will Smith. His
one-liners and pizzazz are the foundation of this movie, which is like
anything youíve seen before. Hitch has its moments as it co-stars
Eva Mendez, but we all know that sheís never going to be as good as
she was in Training Day, and thatís only because we got to see
continue to go downhill with co-star Kevin James, one of the many fat
and obnoxious men of network television who stars in a show where heís
married to a hot wife on ďThe King of Queens.Ē Heís just as fat and
annoying as he is on television, but here he doesnít have the demented
Jerry Stiller to make enduring him worthwhile. Notice how I made no
mention to Leah Remini because, well...watch the show now and youíll
see what I mean. Sheís going to lay a fifty-year guilt trip on her kids
about how she used to have a great figure before she had them.
in all, Hitch is kind of like those stupid Christmas stuffed
animals you see in the checkout line at any given store around the holidays.
You see them and you may even be tempted to buy one. But you know damned
well that once December 25th has passed, the odds of you
picking one of them up is as likely as not getting solicited to buy
a laptop at a bus stop.