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Issue #69

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Features:

Gannonballs: Republicans Defend Gay Man, Pigs Fly - Allan Uthman

Not Funny: You're Either With Kurt Andersen or the Terrorists - Matt Taibbi

Kyoto Fried Chicken: Where's Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum when you need them? - Alexander Zaitchik

Who Killed Gonzo? You're a Prime Suspect - Chris Crawford

No, Your Other Left: Americans Don't Know Which Way to Turn - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Q&A: The Beastmo Disinformer

What Your GOP Man Really Means

4 Rules to Avoid Dating Disaster - by Harvard Prez Larry Summers

Are You Being Tortured? The Beastmo Quiz

The Top 10 Coiffures of 2005 - N. Sorrenti

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 5

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

The Perceptionists

Chin Up Chin Up/ Sub Rosa

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez




Issue #68

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe





Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner







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2004 The Beast


BEAST-O-SCOPES

by Andrew Gullerstein

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Remember that time you bet me $75 that I would never have sex with your mom? Well guess what? You owe me $75 bitch. That's right, I banged your mom last night and we did it in your old bedroom (her idea). I know what you are thinking Pisces, something along the lines of a horrific scream that cannot be accurately represented with text, but that does not change the fact that you owe me $75. I will spare you the sordid details out of respect for our friendship, but let me just say I don't know what your dad was thinking when he left, because that woman can do things I can only presume were edited out of the Kama Sutra for reasons of safety. Until last night, the concept of "lonely divorcee sex" was only a theory I had heard. I know you are probably a little upset and embarrassed, so you can pay me the $75 via PayPal if need be. By the way, I won't be able to go on the road trip this weekend; your mom is renting us a room-you know, one of those rooms with a heart shaped Jacuzzi?


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, I think the big date would have gone a little better last weekend had you been just a tad more discreet about picking your nose at the table. Generally speaking, one should wait until at least three sexual encounters have occurred before strip-mining his nostrils in front of a lady, but you are a man apart, I suppose. It was not simply the fact that your were picking your nose that offended her, but rather the way you ogled your finger, marveling at each little excavation before attaching it to the underside of the table. What the hell were you thinking? That poor woman will never go on a blind date again because of you. In fact, as soon as you dropped her off she drove to her girlfriend Mary's house and slapped the shit out of her for being set up with you. I'm not sure what you think, Aries, but perhaps you should consider attending finishing school. By the way, the farting didn't help either.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Taurus, what exactly were you thinking when you wrote that letter? Actually, it was less of a letter and more along the lines of carving profanities in the front door of your ex-boyfriend's apartment with a penknife. I am not sure if some of those words can be spoken aloud without risk of summoning of a demon. Listen, Taurus, he ended the relationship for a few reasons: He doesn't love you anymore, you are a bit too possessive, you poisoned his dog because it took attention away from you, you are basically a psycho, and he happens to like women with big boobs. So please, Taurus, just accept the fact that it's over -and no, I don't think he will love you again if you set his parents' home on fire.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, you are not a cowboy. Maybe if you had known that fact in advance you would not have attempted to spin that revolver on your finger like a gunslinger. Maybe then you would not have shot yourself in the genitals. All I know is that life is full of maybes and your crotch is full of hot lead. I have been conferring with the Stars and we are not sure what was funnier; The look on your face after the gun went off or when you said to your friends, "you don't have the balls to try this," just before the gun went off. It's actually a cosmic toss up and it most likely will to have to be discussed in committee. Anyway, feel better Gemini and eventually your friends will settle on only one nickname, but that is the price you pay for dropping the ball.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, no one had a command of the written language like you. In one sentence you could often say what it would take most others pages to convey, and you did it with a profound refusal to be confined by the smothering vacuum of political correctness. There have been and will be so many that try to write and be like you, but they are all nothing but a collection of cheap imitations and hacks, because none are really willing to pay the price of finding their own voice. I wish you had not put that bullet through your head, but I also wish we lived in a real democracy. I just wanted to say goodbye and that I know the gods welcome your energy into the fold.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, I know why you are having such a hard time trying to quit smoking. It is because smoking is so awesome. Not only do you look cool doing it, but it pisses off so many whiny assholes. I mean, you can walk into a small room filled with people and loudly produce the most lengthy, foul-smelling fart as has ever been released in this dimension, and you will receive far less guff than were you to simply place an unlit cigarette in your mouth. The people that complain about secondhand smoke giving them cancer are the same people that smear tumor feed under their arms everyday in the guise of deodorant before they drive gas-guzzling SUVs. I know whiny hippies don't drive SUVs, but no one give a shit what hippies think. So if you really want to quit for you Leo, then please do, otherwise light up and stand outside with your brethren.


Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, remember when we bet $50 on which one of us would bang Pisces' mom? Well it is time for you to pay up amigo! That's right, I banged his mom last night and I am going to do it again this weekend. So you had better get your ass to work tomorrow in order to ensure that your ass is on a paying basis come Friday (and none of this paying in pennies bullshit like when you lost our "who can make the priest the angriest in the confessional" bet). I'll see you on Friday, Virgo, and bring your digital camcorder…I have a use for it.


Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, I was watching you at lunch the other day, eating that egg salad sandwich, and I just don't get it-egg salad, that is. I mean, it's made from eggs and mayonnaise, and mayonnaise is made from eggs. So why not just eat eggs? I guess it doesn't really matter, because your breath will smell like dog shit for the rest of the day either way. Maybe what I am really trying to say here, Libra, is buy some fucking mints or something, because unless you have halitosis or a leaky colostomy bag there is really no reason to smell like that.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Scorpio, that outfit you wore to work yesterday looked like something a colorblind retard with epilepsy would throw together before finger-painting class. Jesus, what were you thinking? Seven people from the office had to be hospitalized with seizures just for making eye contact with it. Did you not notice your neighbor lying in his driveway clutching his chest after you walked out the front door this morning? You're like a force five fashion tornado these days. Listen Scorpio, I like you, but you have to stop trying to express yourself through your wardrobe because the only thing that come across in that is what an asshole you are.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Sagittarius, you need to stop sending naked pictures of yourself to Tom Cruise. You need to accept that Mr. Cruise is not gay, and in no way interested in you. He likes hot chicks and everyone in knows it, just ask his lawyers if you do not believe me. Anyway if you really want to get some sort of response to your photos, try sending them to Harvey Fierstein or Nathan Lane, but not, and I repeat, not Tom Cruise because Tom Cruise really likes hot chicks and not hot studs. I know it's hard, Sagittarius, but you just need to accept that Tom Cruise is not gay and there are court papers to prove it.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Capricorn, have you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with Tom Cruise? Well keep on dreaming, because Tom Cruise is not a homosexual. If you were to line up all the homosexuals in the world you would not find Tom Cruise in that line. He would be in a different line, the line with all the straight guys in it. Sure, there was a gay porn actor who said he had an affair with Tom Cruise, and Nicole Kidman found out and that's why they got divorced, but now he says he never said any of that stuff, and the magazine printed a retraction, because it just isn't true. So you can just stop imagining what hot man sex would be like with Tom Cruise, Capricorn, because Tom Cruise is not a homosexual.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Aquarius, remember that tabloid article you read about Tom Cruise being gay? Well you can just throw it in the trash, because his lawyers went to court and made it very clear that Tom Cruise is not gay. All those Hollywood rumors about Tom Cruise being secretly homosexual and that he keeps it hidden because it would ruin his female fan base are just a bunch of vicious lies. We all know how anti-gay Hollywood is, and there are simply sick people who would make up such unfounded lies just for the fun of it. So rest easy, Aquarius, with the knowledge that Tom Cruise is not gay, nor will he ever play a gay character in a movie because he is too much of a butch man's man for that kind of gay stuff.



 

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It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid

Allan Uthman

Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.


Not Funny

Matt Taibbi

Man, is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published, still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how it all works out at the end of the rainbow.


What Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means

Everyone knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season. They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties. Here's a guide to help you out.


Kyoto Fried Chicken

Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.


Beastmo Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?

AG Alberto Gonzalez

Relationships are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.


Buffalo in Briefs

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works."


[sic] - letters

CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'

Gentlemen:

I represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:

(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.

(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."



Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.