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Republicans Defend Gay Man, Pigs Fly
- Allan Uthman
Funny: You're Either With Kurt Andersen or the Terrorists -
Fried Chicken: Where's Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum when you need
them? - Alexander
Killed Gonzo? You're a Prime Suspect
- Chris Crawford
Your Other Left: Americans Don't Know Which Way to Turn
- Matt Taibbi
Your GOP Man Really Means
Rules to Avoid Dating Disaster
- by Harvard Prez Larry Summers
You Being Tortured? The
Top 10 Coiffures of 2005
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Word From Our Sponsors
Up Chin Up/ Sub Rosa
the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley
Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch
Witless News - I. Gonzalez
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Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury
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to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation -
Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention
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Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought
- Allan Uthman
Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions -
Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling -
Advice from 50 Cent
Bible Study with Itza Crock
Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten
Dollies CD Release Party
Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka
Boy Modeling School
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Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage
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from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise -
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Bible Study with Itza Crock
© 2004 The Beast
FOR A BRUISIN'
OFFICES OF GREENBERG GLUSKER FIELDS CLAMAN MACHTINGER & KINSELLA
represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains
false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include
That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He
is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user.
In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.
That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing
them." This too is completely false. Mr. Cruise has never cast
any actress for that purpose. He is dedicated and professional in his
work. He casts actresses based on their acting ability and fitness for
the role, nothing else.
publicly issue such absurdly false statements, without the slightest
basis in fact, manifests an extraordinary level of malice and the complete
absence of any sense of journalistic ethics.
have made other false assertions about Mr. Cruise, such as your juvenile
ranting that he is an "asshole" and is "loathsome."
But, even though these assertions are irresponsible and far from the
truth, they may conceivably be your opinions. If so, your reckless expression
of such opinions formed without the slightest knowledge on the subject
is reprehensible, even if not actionable.
false assertions numbered above, however, are not matters of opinion.
They are flat out, demonstrable lies. They can cause serious personal
and professional damage to Mr. Cruise.
limiting Mr. Cruise's rights or remedies in any way, I must ask that
you issue an immediate retraction of your false assertions about him
in language which I approve on his behalf.
Charles Shephard, Esq. E. Barry Haldeman, Esq.
categorically deny your slanderous allegations that our characterizations
of Mr. Cruise are groundless. Mr. Cruise has been spotted on several
occasions enjoying the sweet, refreshing taste of Coca-Cola. He even
helped direct a commercial for the syrupy beverage, starring Penelope
Cruz, who, we might add, he became romantically involved him following
her being cast opposite him in Vanilla Sky.
from Ms. Cruz, Mr. Cruise also became romantically involved with Nicole
Kidman after her being cast opposite him in the traumatically awful
Days of Thunder. The story goes similarly with Rebecca De Mornay after
Risky Business, and let’s not forget that tryst with the unicorn from
apologize if we hurt Mr. Cruise’s feelings, but it may help to know
that not everyone here at the Beast thinks so poorly of him. It is a
well-known fact in the Beast offices that our associate editor has a
large poster of a shirtless Cruise taped to the ceiling above his bed,
which he masturbates to vigorously on a regular basis.
know we could say more, Bertram; why not quit while you’re ahead?
OF FUNNY SHIT
stumbled on to your site while doing a search on Ann Coulter and read
your 50 most loathesome people.
I think whoever wrote these are full of shit, I have to say it's the
funniest stuff I've read in a long time. I especially liked the merciless
attacks against folks all political persuasions.
still laughing my ass off and I just wanted to say THANKS for the good
we’re full of shit, and you want to thank us? Ohh—you’re from Texas.
Now we understand.
HOW DO ASIAN RETIREES FEEL ABOUT IT?
evil pollster thanks you for the vigorous defense [“Playing
Down Brown,” issue #68]. Keep up the good (or is it bad?) work.
told all our friends that we got a letter from John Zogby, and their
response was unanimous: “That’s cool. Who’s John Zogby?” Dummies.
IN THE RIGHT PLACE
just you're adverage over-skilled under-paid Buffalonian and I fully
support and endorse the Beast. I have a question and I tought you might
be the person to give me a straight answer.
was wondering why I never see it in print (or in any media) that this
whole idea of privitizing social security is just a scam not only set
up so people will naturally invest in Bush's buddies commpanies but
so the CEO's can use their own now available funds as their own investment
conicidentally of course are the same companies that have all of those
fat Iraqi (and beyond) contracts. Which is funny because they're all
taking a bath on security at the moment. Save for the odd "our
troops need more armor" ploy to soak another couple billion (or
was it 10?) dollars out from anyone who might want to do something peacefull
with it. I have a hunch most of that money didn't end up on the bottom
of any truck.
first I thought no one talked about it because it was so painfully obvious.
But now it's just kind of annoying to never hear a voice of reason on
come on, they wouldn’t do that, would they? Screw it; we’re investing
our beer money in Bechtel right now.
Evil Editors, Heartless Wastoids, and Clinically Depressed Scumbags:
is a new Buffalo and Erie County group, dedicated to helping those hardy
souls willing to stay in this wonderful hellhole. It stands for Stoic
County Residents Enduring Wasteful Erie Disbursement. I'm a founding
member, and I'm extremely excited about giving my livelihood to politicians
and other swine! Also, I drank five cups of very dark coffee just this
hour! Our goal here at SCREWED is to promote the sale of area homes
and businesses to large foreclosement companies, local public agencies,
and the federal Bureau of Land Management, with the eventual goal of
creating a cave-based community of 500 to 1000 persons free of all wasteful
amenities such as roads, bridges, buildings, and other products of human
ingenuity. We hope you and your readers will join us in our exciting
a thank-you bonus for new members, we will overnight you your very own
stone hand-axe, so you can start running down and killing food today!
And coming soon: the Hidey Hole, our Orange Street clothing emporium,
specializing in deer-, muskrat-, sewer rat-, basement rat-, garbage
pile rat-, and crackhead-hide apparrel! Pre-order your fitted muumuu
here at SCREWED would also like to add that resumes are being accepted
now for the editorship of our planned clay-tabloid, the Spelunker-Express!
We know that you BEAST boys, like all other anthropomorphic life in
the area, will soon be needing jobs, so apply now! Pay negotiable and
love, and other bullshit, and as always, misanthropia,
Gottsche, Director, SCREWED
us up. Do you take payment in mastodon hide?
quite a vacuum you've got here [50
Most Loathsome People, issue #66]. Got solutions? I mean,
any freshman can write flippant, sarcastic tirades against what's "wrong." What's
hard is writing something genuine and intelligent about how to fix it.
pick easy targets and post stuff you pull out of your butt; how about
pulling out something useful. Got solutions?
"solutions," I don't mean pretentious ennui, foam-at-mouth
rage, or trite, puerile verdicts like "locked in a room for eternity."
don't bother to proclaim that you're either above solutions and genuine
thinking, or you're so fllustered you can't think clearly. Either
way, you got nothing, dude(s). Donde nohay cohones.
-- Jessica Simpson is no worse than the Buffalo Beast Web site. Maybe
better, since Jessica Simpson is at least in on her own joke.
are YOU cynical enough to believe you are exempt from ugly truths?
cynical enough to burn a hole through a budget proposal with our eyes,
but thats not the point. The name of the piece isn't "50
Best Solutions to America's Problems." Its typical of a complacent
nincompoop to angrily denounce people who point out problems by saying,
but you dont have any solutions, as if that means
the problems dont exist.
do, in fact, have a lot of ideas on how to make things better (with
the exception of Clay Aiken), although you'll surely dismiss them as
naive or unfeasable. Most important would be to make corruption illegal
again. Reestablish the barrier between federal regulatory bodies and
the industries they purport to regulate. Educate our citizens better.
Reestablish the fairness doctrine. Real campaign finance reform. Instant
runoff voting. Hand counts. And yes, raise taxes considerably on the
wealthiest among us.
course, getting a congress which benefits directly from the status quo
to do any of these things is something we have no idea how to accomplish
with a two party system and without informed voters. So the situation
is prettyloathsome. But don't treat one silly article we threw
off in an evening as if it's our entire body of work.
really think Jessica Simpson is in on the joke?
re: "Now With More Letters From Dicks" (Sic,
Issue #68): I hadn't foreseen your devastating counterargument. Touche.
I stand corrected. However, out of curiosity, I would like to inquire
as to the dangling reference in your concluding sentence: "In conclusion,
suck it. [sic]" What, precisely, does "it" refer to?
fear that your problem may not simply be one of erudition but precision
as well. For example, if I were to say to you, "Suck THIS, mofo"
and then unzip my pants, I think that you will precisely understand
what I am saying and the reference point of "THIS".
above all else, gentlemen. I am sure you will agree that Donald Rumsfeld,
as a man of some precision, would much prefer that you critique a comment
of his by saying, "Why don't you shove a white-hot poker up your
rectal sphincter?" than with some vague remark about his dubious
respectfully disagree that the pronoun “it” wasn’t descriptive enough
to indicate the implied direct object. While technically “it” could
refer to any object, we think it would be clear to nearly anyone what
we were referring to. In the interest of concision, we elected to
leave “it” to your imagination, and it is clear from your letter
that you accurately took our meaning. So suck it.
response to your response to Timothy, tenured professor at Cornell who
defended Clay Aiken [“sic,” issue #68]......now that you mentioned
it, why don't you release his photo as threatened....would really love
to meet an educated fellow who isn't afraid to defend Clay. Obviously,
he's fully aware that Clay has graduated with a Special Education degree,
is now an Ambassador for the Eduation of Children worldwide for UNICEF,
heads his own Bubel-Aiken Foundation devoted to the inclusion of disabled
children with able children and is soon to be a keynote speaker for
a conference for Fearless Caregivers in Florida April 16th. And, he's
also an awesome singer.
would be doing the Claynation a great honor to introduce us to Timothy,
a Claydawg in spirit and an intelligent male, as well.
to go, Timothy.
(Sic)..in general. If your vulgar comments are meant to be entertaining,
forgive me for not laughing. You are really demonstrating the difference
between yourself and a classy fellow such as Timothy. Your comments
really are (Sic).
Karen Cheyne, Red Deer Alberta Canada
Scott Peterson donated money to charity, would that make him a better
for the Tucker Carlson piece penned by Matt Tiabbi [“Bowtie
Bondage, issue #68]. I especially enjoyed the line about having
his teeth kicked down an alley.
went to school with Tucker way back when. He was a sniveling shit back
then too. Wanna see an old yearbook picture? He's wearing a grin that
makes you just want to, well, kick his teeth down an alley.
for the smart writing. Keep it up.
course we want the yearbook picture, provided it is sufficiently humiliating.
If he complains, we can just beat him up. Isn’t it kind of nice, though,
to have a conservative pundit who is even wussier than Al Franken?
FLIP, JUST FLOP
MSM has already decided how to spin Dean's appointment as DNC chair:
(1) Younger, grassroots Dems happy, because they want to be more obnoxious
and aggressive. (2) DC Dems and "insiders" worried that Dean
will destroy their electoral chances. (3) And Republicans barely containing
their "glee" (the media uses that word over and over again)
at such a foolish choice as Dean, who's too liberal, crazy, screamy,
whatever, for Red America.
why is the MSM and conservative pundits like Novak and Limbaugh going
on and on about how dumb it was to choose Dean? At first it was like,
OK, token criticism. But now it seems like they're genuinely upset
about it. I mean, if Republicans were smart -- and we must agree that
the GOP is smarter when it comes to political maneuvering -- they would
say nothing, or just, "Oh, smart choice, guys! Man, we've got
a fight on our hands now!... (he-he-he)."
Republicans aren't doing that. So, I gots me to thinkin, and... I decided
that the GOP really is scared of Dean. Why else all this emotion and
bitterness? My guess is that they remembered how fired up he got Democrats
during the campaign, before the MSM and the limousine liberals who steer
the party decided to go with safe, bland, "electable" Kerry.
the GOP is scared makes me think Dean is a good choice. It's like,
if Dracula is afraid of garlic, you wear a garlic necklace. Dean is
our garlic necklace: He may be a little funky, but he's damn good for
you, and he's got the moral authority to brush back the Bushies.
proof he's a good choice is that the ineffectual "leadership"
of the party like the DLC and Nancy Pelosi don't like Dean, either.
if both Democrat and GOP leaders are against Dean, he can't be all that
bad. We should give this sceaming nutball a chance.
Dean is eloquent, and says intelligent things about not letting Republicans
frame the debate, and he is openly critical of corporate influence in
politics, and he makes John Kerry look like…what he is, but—YEEARGH!
Right? I mean, YEEARGH! You hear me? He made a funny noise! YEEARGH!
How can you take the guy seriously? He’s obviously a crazy rage-aholic
nutbag! I mean, YEEARGH! Right? That never gets old!
was hoping for funny loathsome people. They were lot funny and you were
you are alfully consummed with ass-fucking..are you a pinko faggot??
to spell, you ignorant piece of shit.
. This Issue ...........Home.............
the Hypocrisy, Stupid
and denial are as much essential components of Bushs White
House as they are of a closet homosexuals lifestyle. Penetrate
the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers
are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Busha talentless
pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.
is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York
City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published,
still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take
a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how
it all works out at the end of the rainbow.
Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means
knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season.
They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these
days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties
arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties.
Here's a guide to help you out.
hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the
time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd
all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering
why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.
Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?
are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.
been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble
like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of
just how the government "works."
FOR A BRUISIN'
I represent Tom Cruise. Your
Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory
and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:
(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead."
This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead"
or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views
are well known.
(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently
casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."
no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics,
but I dont have to look at the numbers to figure out whether
Bushs proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon
or a disaster. All I have to do is look at whos proposing
to Wake You
a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near
Arlington, VA, a phone rings.
RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?
FEITH: Donny? Are you up,
RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?
weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on
our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising,
putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom
for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it
had been offered as an alternative in the poll.
see that shit? Frank asked.
he said, surprised to hear it. I thought I was gonna puke.
hilarious, I know. Its so ironic, reallyif only they
knew. Wouldnt stop em anyhow.
knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his
sleeve. The ink. What its made out of. You wouldnt
fucking believe it.
dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb
and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher.
The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for
the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite
the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just
146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected.
Uh Uh Uh Uh.
to Sign Historic Accord with Man
dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate
our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny
of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the
White Cube mercury garden.
"The most important thing
at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence
against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris
page as PDF
50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004
Crimes: An angry conservatives wet dream: an effete
liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes only
tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes
about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his
psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded
co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.
to The BEAST
We need money bad. $26 / 6 Months in the US, and you get our
super-cool paper delivered to your door, virtually ensuring your
admission to all of the important FBI watch-lists.
real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals
an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years.
It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for
war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or
that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about
Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any
sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.