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Issue #69

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Features:

Gannonballs: Republicans Defend Gay Man, Pigs Fly - Allan Uthman

Not Funny: You're Either With Kurt Andersen or the Terrorists - Matt Taibbi

Kyoto Fried Chicken: Where's Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum when you need them? - Alexander Zaitchik

Who Killed Gonzo? You're a Prime Suspect - Chris Crawford

No, Your Other Left: Americans Don't Know Which Way to Turn - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Q&A: The Beastmo Disinformer

What Your GOP Man Really Means

4 Rules to Avoid Dating Disaster - by Harvard Prez Larry Summers

Are You Being Tortured? The Beastmo Quiz

The Top 10 Coiffures of 2005 - N. Sorrenti

A Word From Our Sponsors



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 5

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

The Perceptionists

Chin Up Chin Up/ Sub Rosa

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner



Comix:

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Perry Bible Fellowship - N!cholas Gurewitch

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez




Issue #68

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury - Allan Uthman

Sorry to Wake You: A Rousing Conversation - Matt Taibbi

Hillary Takes a Dive: Buffalo loves any kind of attention - Jeff Dean

Soylent Purple : The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Thought - Allan Uthman

Bowtie Bondage: Newsworm Tucker Carlson Asks the Tough Questions - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Future World News

Rooney Eyebrow Reserves to be Opened for Driling - Ian Murphy

Money Matta$$: Finincial Advice from 50 Cent



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

The Straight Dope: Growing Advice from Dr. Rotten

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




Music Reviews:

Voodoo Dollies CD Release Party

Full Treble Stereo/Day Month Year/Kamchatka

Hondsome Boy Modeling School

Movie Reviews:

Kino Korner

Sports:

Wide Right: The Losman Cometh - Ronnie Roscoe





Issue #67

Download Entire issue (Right-click and "Save as")

Features:

Devil in an Ice-Bllue Dress: Nation Delights in Worship of Unattainable Affluence- Matt Taibbi

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage - Allan Uthman

Dr. Strangefeld - Alexander Zaitchik

Ripped from the Headlines: WMD Not Found, Media Coverage Likewise - Matt Taibbi


Faux-tures:

Inaugural Numbers

Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramages - N. Sorrenti

Beast Reader Opinion: This Tiger is Still on the Prowl

Are You Dyslexic?

BEAST Art Director Accidentally Drinks Own Urine

Corrections



Departments:

Cross Examination: Bible Study with Itza Crock

Buffalo in Briefs

BEAST-O-Scopes

Page 3

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - Letters




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Kino Korner







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© 2004 The Beast

Kyoto Fried Chicken

Where's Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum when you need them?

by Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.

No, I wouldn't bet on the Independence Day scenario of instant global solidarity and quick, coordinated action. Arab pilots won't be hugging Israeli pilots before doing intergalactic battle. More likely humanity's response would resemble the climate-change (in)action movie, The Day After Tomorrow. The Martians could be halfway done vaporizing world capitals in alphabetical order, and the Saudi U.N. rep would raise his hand and suggest we offer the green guys development rights in the Caspian. The U.S. rep would balk at this, and instead threaten sanctions against the Martians. The back and forth would go on until New York disappeared with a powerful zap from above.

Substitute Martians for climate change—which is essentially what Roland Emmerich, who made both Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow, did—and you have a pretty good picture of reality, 2005. Consider the global-warming timeline.

As early as 1898, Swedish scientists had published papers describing how burning fossil fuels could lead to a greenhouse effect. In 1955, American scientist Charles Keeling discovered that carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere were up 10 percent since the Industrial Revolution and rising (the number is now 30 percent and rising faster). More than three decades of alarm bells went off in university research centers before global warming finally broke into the public discussion in the late 80s. When the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change announced without much qualification in 1995 that warming was well underway and posed a severe short- and medium-term threat, it took another two years to convene the conference that resulted in the Kyoto protocol, the first binding emissions treaty.

It went into effect last Wednesday.

Between Kyoto's drafting and last week, seven years passed. Not just any seven years, but seven of the hottest years on record, filled with more record-breaking heat waves, floods and droughts than can be listed here.

During this time—as we got used to fucked-up weather and tried to avoid pondering its implications—Kyoto's timid goals became even more useless than they were in 1997. At the time of Kyoto's drafting, climate scientists warned that it would take emissions cuts of, at the very least, 20 percent below 1990 levels to make a meaningful dent in the warming trend. Kyoto called for six to 12 percent.

With the 20 percent figure widely panned as impractical, and with the fossil-fuel lobby still fighting a shockingly effective rear-guard battle against science, climate warriors were forced to defend the treaty as a necessary first step, a symbol of the world's ability and resolve to act. It was assumed that the early targets would be met and built upon with American leadership. Al Gore was expected to assume the presidency in 2000. There was hope. Putting the treaty into effect in 1997 would have been something to celebrate.

Not anymore. Although global greenhouse emissions continued to soar after 1997, Kyoto's goals are the same ones announced seven years ago. Many of the treaty's most important and vigorous supporters, such as Japan, are unlikely to meet even these. As for American leadership, not only does the U.S. remain outside the treaty, we somehow ended up with a White House that considers coal an alternative fuel.

The proper response to Kyoto's much-belated first breath is not celebration, but protest. Loud, angry, desperate protest. The 35 Greenpeace activists who last week shut down the floor of the International Petroleum Exchange in London have the right idea. Next month the antiwar movement will mark the second anniversary of the Iraq invasion with demonstrations around the world. Greens should be doing the same to mark Kyoto's partial-birth abortion.

The treaty's kick-in represents no new forward momentum at all. What tipped the scales was Russia's reluctant recognition, after years of EU arm-twisting, that its rump industrial base could be translated into profit under the Kyoto's carbon credit scheme (a loophole that allows rich countries to buy their way out of their target cuts). The Russians have been vocal about wishing they were still strong enough to spit at the treaty like their soul brothers in the White House. One Kremlin economist even called Kyoto an "economic Auschwitz."

Which raises the question of what Hitler would have thought about Earth's slow-motion heat holocaust. No doubt he would have been surprised to see black-soil rich Ukraine, the Third Reich's would-be breadbasket, forced to import wheat after 2003's record-breaking late-summer heat-wave. The heat hit more than just Ukrainian wheat, of course: 35,000 people died in eight European countries, with shrunken harvests reported in every nation between France and Russia.

The result was the second straight year in which the world harvest failed to match demand. In 2002, world agricultural output fell 89 million tons below consumption; in 2003, that number grew to 94 million tons, or five percent of what the earth's growing population consumed. To make up the shortfall, global reserve stocks were tapped. Although last year's harvest saw a rebound, rising consumption ate it all up, leaving reserves at their lowest point in 30 years.

As Lester R. Brown explains in Outgrowing the Earth: The Food Security Challenge in an Age of Falling Water Tables and Rising Temperatures (just out on W.W. Norton), we'd better reacquaint ourselves with the idea of scarcity. After 50 years of steadily increasing food production, the trend has stopped and is now reversing. Overdevelopment, overpopulation and global warming are conspiring to make the 21st century one in which water and grain join oil as a source of conflict.

Brown, founder and president of the Earth Policy Institute, summarizes a few new studies that deserve our focused attention. The first, conducted by the U.S. National Academy of Sciences, found that for every one-degree Celsius rise in temperature, rice harvests fall by 10 percent. This conclusion is supported by another study by the International Rice Research Institute.

Another study, conducted by U.S. researchers David Lobell and Gregory Asner, found that the same rise in temperature results in a 17 percent drop in corn and soybean yields.

Now do some basic math. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change predicts that average temperatures will rise between 1.4 and 5.8 degrees Celsius in the 21st century; this on top of last century's roughly one-degree rise. Ignoring trend lines that show the upper end of this estimate as becoming more likely, let's predict a rise of three degrees. That translates to a drop in the global rice harvest of 30 percent; for corn and soybean harvests, 51 percent. Throw in the effects of falling water tables and melting ice cover—which will lower and possibly kill major rivers now used for irrigation and drinking—and it doesn't take Kenny Kingston to imagine the havoc climate change will wreak on international politics in the coming decades.

As this picture comes into sharper focus, Kyoto returns from the dead after seven wasted years, with its tiny balls missing. Who knew rearranging a few deck chairs could take so long?

 

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It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid

Allan Uthman

Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.


Not Funny

Matt Taibbi

Man, is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published, still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how it all works out at the end of the rainbow.


What Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means

Everyone knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season. They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties. Here's a guide to help you out.


Kyoto Fried Chicken

Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.


Beastmo Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?

AG Alberto Gonzalez

Relationships are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.


Buffalo in Briefs

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works."


[sic] - letters

CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'

Gentlemen:

I represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:

(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.

(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."



Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.


Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?


Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.


Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”


Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.


Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF


The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.


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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.