Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Issue #70    Buffalo's New Best Fiend       March 9th - March 23, 2005
Tumors for Sale
by Allan Uthman
ABOUT WHAT'S ON PAGE 7 - I'm Not Sorry
by Matt Taibbi
About the Upcoming Death of the Pope
by Matt Taibbi
by Gabe Armstrong
SPOILER - AV Publisher Ruins Movie for WNY
MIDDLE AMERICA - Out of Step with Hollywood Values
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Out of Step with Mainstream Hollywood Values
The Academy Awards ceremony last week, and especially host Chris Rock's politically charged comedy, provoked a firestorm of criticism from conservatives, proving that red state voters are still out of step with the values of the Hollywood entertainment community.

"We give people what they want, and I don't see any new shows about going to church," said a top network executive speaking under condition of anonymity, but whose name sounded very Jewish. "Americans like their sex hot, their violence cartoonish, and both consequence-free."

"These fringe-right bomb-throwers have got to get the message that regular Americans love half-naked sluts and rapid gunfire," said Dennis Franz, star of "NYPD Blue." America has spoken, and they have chosen my flabby ass."

Many middle Americans were appalled by Hilary Swank's backless Oscar gown and only masturbated once in protest

"Sure, I'd love some blow," said star Tom Cruise in answer to a question about mainstream values that contained no reference to drugs. "Chris Rock was funny, huh?"

But right wingers took issue with Rock's performance, and his selection as the night's MC. "Polls consistently show that the majority of people in the United States are not even black, nor have they ever been," said a spokesman for the conservative think tank The Office of Strategically Named Think Tanks. "However, we still find that Hollywood, with its divisive agenda, forces us to pretend it's okay for them to misrepresent us."

Fox News pundit Bill O'Reilly called the Oscars "an appalling display" on his prime time show "The O'Reilly Factor," complaining of Rock's "racist and anti-American" jokes, and also decried the fashions on display.

"Salma Hayek's shocking cleavage was bad enough, but when I saw Rene Zellwegger's near-satanic combination of dyed black hair, pale white skin and tight red mermaid outfit, I was so outraged that I got a raging erection," said the conservative pundit on his popular show. "I had no choice but to spend the entire duration of the broadcast defiling myself with a vibrator and Murphy's Oil Soap. It was a disgusting, sick display, and it just goes to show that Hollywood has not learned anything from George Bush winning the last election by a razor-thin margin."

Talking heads are not the only ones to find fault with Hollywood. Regular middle Americans are voicing their concerns as well.

"I understand that sex sells, but this is ridiculous," said Seth Greenwood, 42, of Littlefield, NV, well into his third hour of watching an all-night "Wild On…" marathon on the E! network. "This sickening show promotes wanton depravity and the objectification of women." Checking his VCR to make sure he was getting the show on videotape, Greenwood added, "Brook Burke's incredibly hot ass is clearly a product of the liberal media elite. Where is the FCC in all of this? Jesus, that bitch is one hot slut."

Sue-Ellen Hardwick of Virginia agrees. "I just saw Million Dollar Baby last night, and I was appalled," the career alcoholic and stay-at-home mom said. "I fully expect to be similarly offended when I see Be Cool next weekend."

Paul Hargowiz of Dallas, Texas, echoed these sentiments while trolling an adult bookstore for a young male prostitute. "These bleeding hearts need to realize that most Americans don't want their filth, and would rather hear about faith and values than the smut they peddle. So, you want to come back to my place?"

But entertainers argue that movies and television are precisely tailored to match the tastes of Americans. "Everything is focus-grouped and test-marketed to death here," says Hollywood film producer Kim Jong Lowenstein. "Showgirls was actually about a kid with AIDS before it went to test marketing. But it did poorly, and then we realized it got a huge bump for every naked breast we put in there, and things just kind of snowballed from there."

"These red state voters are hopelessly out of touch with the reality of American values," said Alec Baldwin from his new home in France Tuesday. "Which is that we have to sell movies and TV shows which promote gay sex and lower women's self-esteem enough that they will sleep with old perverts. Like Bill O'Reilly."

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