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March 23-April 6, 2005 Issue #71
 Now in a Persistent Vegetative State
50 Most Loathsome People of 2004
The Controversial Article Everyone's Talking About
 
Tom Cruise Strikes Back
Revenge of the Nerd
 
MINIMALLY CONSCIOUS Facts are Bit Players in Schiavo Saga
by Allan Uthman
JACKASSES
Democrats Prepare to Assume the Position
by Matt Taibbi
COMMUNITY BASED CORRECTIONS, LLC
by BuffaloPundit
BUCKLEY CAN SUCK ME
by Matt Taibbi
UNCLE TOM AWARDS
by Johnathan Matthews
 
HOW I BEDDED ANN COULTER
by Dr. I.M. Simpering
 
SUPREME COURT RULES
Ten Commandments are Law, Arrest Warrants Issued
 
Metal Detector Fails To Stop School Shooting; Schools Consider Larger Detectors
by Josh Righter
 
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Supreme Court Rules Ten Commandments are Law, Arrest Warrants Issued for Everyone

Millions of Americans were arrested today
after the Supreme Court handed down a
controversial ruling regarding the ten commandments and constitutional law.

In a contentious 5 to 4 decision, the Court
found not only that displays of the commandments on government property were appropriate, but that the biblical rules were the basis of our nation and its constitution.

The majority opinion, written by Antonin
Scalia, says the monuments should be seen as “a symbol of the fact that government derives its authority from God.”

“As such,” Justice Scalia continued, “these
commandments are the basis of the constitution,
and I ask the bailiff to take me away
to jail as soon as I’m finished here.”

Justice Scalia urges American citizens not to question God's will.

Critics are outraged that the Court would make such a far-reaching decision, which has made previously legal activities, like worshipping other gods, making graven images, adultery and wanting things, illegal.

“I’m just trying to arrange my affairs,” said Vikram Shibanurti, a practicing Hindu from Akron. “I thought about converting to Christianity, but it wouldn’t matter anyway, since I’m cheating on my wife.”

Some think the sudden change in America’s legal climate should have come with fair warning. “This really isn’t fair,” said snotty teen Bart Crowley as he was being led away from a video arcade by authorities. “Sure, I talk a lot of shit about my parents, but I wouldn’t have if I knew I’d get in trouble. Besides, they’re totally sucky.”

“I can’t believe this,” Buffalo resident Jerome T. Dwyer said as he was being led away to a three year prison term for aggravated taking the Lord’s name in vain. “Jesus, this is nuts!” The comment prompted the judge to double Dwyer’s sentence.

“Make that six years!” shouted Judge Harold Reisman, who is himself scheduled for arraignment next Thursday on several charges involving coveting his neighbor’s wife. “What can I say,” the judge said afterwards. “She’s really hot.”

In another development, several engravers have been arrested trying to flee the country.

 
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