Reviews by Michael
original (American) Ring movie was a take-it-or-leave-it kind
of thing. It was hyped up as the scariest thing since waking
up in a wet spot next to Kirstie Alley. That's a pretty bold
statement, especially for those of us who were weaned on horror
movies. And those of us who saw it were pretty disappointed.
Maybe we saw it again and decided it wasn't that bad if we
weren't looking to get scared. And we left it at that.
as is with the case with any movie that makes a shitload of
money, a sequel had to be made. Focus groups analyze data,
decide what made the original a success, and attempt to replicate,
if not build upon, that formula. Namely here with the enlisting
of Hideo Nakata, who directed the first two Japanese Ringu
Ring 2 really makes no sense. There are moments where it gets
scary (or at least tries), then you get to look at Naomi Watts,
then The Ring 2 just slumps into a disinterested nod that
will be duly recorded in the tedious litany of unremarkable
sequels to PG-13 horror films.
girl who wants to be the best ice skater ever. The trainer
who believes in her. The disapproving mother. The formulaic
storyline. The wasting of money.
tapped, guys. I'm all out. There is nothing I can say about
this movie that I haven't said about any other movie that
bears a strong and grotesque resemblance to this one. You
know what this movie is about even if you've seen a ten second
spot for it on television. You know what's going to happen.
I don't know about you, but I don't see any fun in that.
I don't want to seem like some pretentious elitist. I know
that every movie's not going to be as groundbreaking as Pulp
Fiction or American Beauty.
And I also know that this is geared for girls in their early
teens and gay men who called suicide hotlines as the credits
rolled for the last episode of "Sex and the City."
(Kim Cattrall stars as the trainer.)
all I'm asking for is just a little effort here, guys. Just
the vulgarity, but those are the only words I can think of
to describe this particular trip to the multiplex.
I've been trying to piece together the story for what seems
to be my entire life. I had pictures, five movies to date,
and even the glib musings of those who feel most actualized
when on internet message boards.
with every little scrap of information and split-second image
that was thrown my way, I had only speculation and the fact
that the wait is almost over to comfort me when anticipation
made my bones ache. By the time you read this, dear reader,
that fateful day will be upon us in less than two months.
case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm not describing yet
another children's computer-animated film, I'm talking about
the trailer for Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.
be perfectly honest with you, I didn't bother with sticking
around for Robots, the movie that I shelled out an almost
obscene amount of money to not quite see. I couldn't tell
you anything about it aside from the fact that it looked like
the thing was made with a self-running computer program, three
kegs of beer, and the deed to a junkyard. I said to hell with
the whole thing and walked around in a daze as I contemplated
forking over another several dollars to see it all over again.
is a terrible movie. It's dull, monotonous, and an attempt on
Hollywood's part to get you to pay for the same thing you've
seen a hundred times. I mean, how many times can you watch the
same damned hostage movie and tell yourself that it's new and
don't blame Bruce Willis for starring in this one bit. I mean,
how would you take it if your ex was banging Ashton Kutcher?
Publicly, no less! I couldn't take it well, I'll tell you that.
And poor Bruce is so beaten that he hangs out with them in public.
The man's not in a good place.
for Bruce Willis, the light at the end of the tunnel seems
to be coming soon with the release of Sin City, the big screen
adaptation (or transference, if you've seen the previews)
of Frank Miller's comic series. For every horrid project the
man picks, he comes back with a stroke of brilliance three
sneezes later. I guess that's why he's Bruce Willis...
you read any other review of The Passion Recut, you'll
notice the author of that review will say a few words then refer
you to their original review.
me. I don't roll that way.
I will say about both The Passion of the Christ and
The Passion Recut is this: The Passion of the Christ
was a great piece of propaganda. Through the power of brutal
violence, disturbing imagery, and strong direction (Mel Gibson
did direct Braveheart you know), Mel Gibson turned
out a movie that was to red states what Fahrenheit 9/11
was to the blue states. The Passion of the Christ sucked people
in and made suckers out of them.
a second viewing, there were those of us who realized we've
been had. We paid our $19.95 after watching the infomercial
and 6-8 weeks later we realized we got screwed. Don't feel
bad. I was taken in, too. See my review for The Passion
of the Christ.
we've got The Passion Recut, the toned-down, more family
and senior citizen-friendly version of the Oscar-snubbed film.
You know, so anyone who was too much of a pussy to see a few
ribs sticking out of Jim Caviziel's side don't have to get
Mel Gibson's heart may or may not have been in the right place
hedging the violence and the most driving aspect of the movie
out, viewing The Passion Recut is like going out on
a date with full knowledge that you're not getting laid. Sure,
you might hear an interesting anecdote about how she met Scott
Weiland or her gay brother's cat. But at the end of the night,
all you've got is your dick and your hand.