Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 
March 23-April 6, 2005 Issue #71
 Now in a Persistent Vegetative State
50 Most Loathsome People of 2004
The Controversial Article Everyone's Talking About
 
Tom Cruise Strikes Back
Revenge of the Nerd
 
MINIMALLY CONSCIOUS Facts are Bit Players in Schiavo Saga
by Allan Uthman
JACKASSES
Democrats Prepare to Assume the Position
by Matt Taibbi
COMMUNITY BASED CORRECTIONS, LLC
by BuffaloPundit
BUCKLEY CAN SUCK ME
by Matt Taibbi
UNCLE TOM AWARDS
by Johnathan Matthews
 
HOW I BEDDED ANN COULTER
by Dr. I.M. Simpering
 
SUPREME COURT RULES
Ten Commandments are Law, Arrest Warrants Issued
 
Metal Detector Fails To Stop School Shooting; Schools Consider Larger Detectors
by Josh Righter
 
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Kino Corner
Book Review
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[SIC] - Your Letters
 
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BEASTLY  MERCHANDISE
 
[SIC] - Your Letters
 
WISHES HE WAS SMART

Have you fools ever slowed your diatribe long enough to imagine a world of your design? Try it sometime while using some of the incredible grasp of history you claim to possess.

Regards,
Draconian Clown

Dear Clown,
In a world of our design, inarticulate pseudointellects like you would be forcibly educated, under pain of death, until they became bona fide intelligent people, thereby ruining their lives.

WEARING MEANS YOU'RE WRONG

I read the piece from the person who hates Channel 2. The piece went in circles with very little intelligence. Do you really expect people to take you seriously when you use such vile language. There was no real direct reason for your hatred. There was no personal experience noted. You complain about their journalism...do you call this piece journalism. The language alone disqualifies as such. You have a right to your opinion but you should rethink your delivery.
SherBear67

Dear SherBear,
Channel two has really picked up recently, and done some solid work investigating some of our corrupt politicians…now that it's too late. Just like their counterparts at channels four and seven, and the Buffalo News, they have decided to tell us how worthless our leaders are…now that everyone has already figured that out. But people like you think that's just hunky dory. Hey, at least they never swear, right?

THAT CONFOUNDED BRIDGE

Dear Matt,

Maybe it's about time for a little rest and relaxation in Moscow, Matt? You know, a couple weeks, maybe three, in a sanitorium on the outskirts of the city?

Dude (Dude!) if some nut case who shared home-grown vegetables with his fellow parishioners at the Church of the Smoking Gun in Milwaukee's Sheraton Hotel could go postal and blow away grandmothers and children in their pews because the previous week's sermon threw a monkey wrench in his psychosis, then I'd say your chances of running into a psychopath on the streets of Buffalo are about 2-to-1.

So Matt, do yourself a favor and get back to Moscow ... You messed with the most dangerous folks on the planet: the right-wing, righteous and religious. Not good, man. Bad call. Call it a day and pack your bags. Ames would probably take you back. If not, there may be a position opening at The Moscow News.

Do the right thing!

God bless,
Robert Bridge

Dear Robert,
Actually, surprisingly little outrage from Buffalo's jaded 80% Catholic population. What does it take to piss these people off? Besides, if it wasn't for the psychopaths, we wouldn't have any friends.

A BRIDGE TOO FAR

Dear Matt,

It is a bright new day in Russia, yet the shock and awe that I felt following your article is still there, like a mushroom cloud after a nuclear strike, or the silence after a mother of all bombs has completed its mayhem, the sock in the mouth following a hangover...

My god, what were you thinking man??? I have written crazy shit, but there are certain rules, certain lines we mere mortals are not permitted to cross. The Bishop of Rome is one of them. Okay, fuck with Gandhi, for example, or Martha Stewart, all you want, but the big guy in the Vatican is an Untouchable, especially a mucus-spewing one! You have pushed the nihilistic envelope over the precipice, my friend. Sartre would smash your skull without blinking. At least print that shit in a paper that the public must PAY for! Give them a choice.

The "furry tits of the dead pope" ??? His hamburger-helper heart? Allusions to baboons and beatles feasting on cranial tissue?! Dude! Get a grip! Ask a co-worker to shake and slap you for several straight minutes. You are decimating all of your past achievements whatever these may have been. Think about your social security plan, pension, and for-god -sakes your grandchildren who may or may not need a god father. Dude! Throw away the Viocodine and cough supressants and just visit Russia. America ain't working for you!

Sincerely Concerned,
Robert Bridge
Moscow

Bridge,
"Certain rules?" The Pope is more respectable than Ghandi? "Beatles?" You're a hump, "dude." You think you know about writing "crazy shit," but you're afraid to cross "certain lines?" We'll be coming to Moscow soon-to kick your sorry ass.

AT LEAST IT'S NOT A BOMB THREAT

What the fuck is up with our local TV news stations? Why must they always try and connect someone from this area with a major news story? When something happens in the world these TV news stations pick some guy who was jerking off in the Buffalo airport during his layover, or a women who was taking a dump on a Greyhound bus on the I-90 and trying to get an interview asking their opinion to a story that they really weren't involved in, and a city that they really have no conection to. Are we really hurting that badly as a city that we need to make up bullshit to make our city look important. Don't worry, Buffalo and Erie County are already well know as the fucking joke of the county with our current fiscal disaster and inept county government.
Ten year Navy veteran
Kaisertown

Dear Navy Guy,
Hey…yeah! We agree with you! Wow. And yes, we are really hurting that badly as a city.

BINARY BLOVIATING

Thank you, Matt Taibbi, for saying what has been on many of our minds ever since the Iraq war started. Too many people, including Kurt Andersen, subscribe to the black-versus-white, right-versus-wrong mentality regarding the war and assume that people on the left want soldiers to die and the insurgents to win if we dare voice a dissenting opinion about the war. Your article said exactly what has been on my mind. Bravo!
Dan Edstrom
Denver, CO

 

Dear Dan,
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000101100000001101101010101001001010101010010010010000011010111010
110100100010010001010100010101111110101111010101010.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Dear Donn Esmonde and the Buffalo News:

Call it YOUR REALITY

It appears that in your exploration of ideas, your exercise of creative freedom to present a solution to the growing problems of this area, indicative at every level of our society from the federal government to the homes of regular hardworking people, you've become hypnotized by a goat. The Scapegoat. I suggest you focus and get a good look at type of animal locked in a staring contest with.

You ask artists to join the reform army. How creative of you to suggest this! I find it practically inspiring that you would single out the artists. At no other time in Buffalo, Erie County's, News York's and America's history do we need artists more. It is the unbridled, uninhibited artist, the human with a voice that will have the bravery to suggest, promote and set off a reality less abusive to its citizenry. The people of WNY and specifically Buffalo have been abused, lied to and taken advantage of. Now, they're being tricked and brainwashed by your corporate sponsored babble. You must be threatened by artists. Something must have happened. Perhaps, recently, you were enlightened by a free spirit. Perhaps, you were forced to access your own Reality and you weren't so pleased with the self-implication and responsibility it called for. Perhaps, a song made you cry. Perhaps, a movie made you laugh. Perhaps, you gave up your own creative dreams for a more practical corporate sponsored theocratic unchallenged media mogul, namely the Buffalo News owned by Warren Buffett. They say, don't bite the hand that feeds you. But to lick it after it hits you? Be careful where you aim your weapons.

How convenient for you to point fingers at Artists! There must be a bonus involved or perhaps an unsaid tenure assumed. Why not state the obvious! It is my suggestion, that in the mist of your free speech exercise, your myopic vision created such confusion, you decided to close your eyes all together.

What do you have to say to the militarization of our national, county and local urban culture? What do you have to say to the growing number of billboards suggesting we send our young to fight a rich man's war that is a direct echo of Vietnam? What do you have to say to Buffalo Public High schools like Burgard, that fail to have a functional library or even an open library more than 2 days per week? What do you have to say to corporate welfare? What do you have to say to the owners of Bass Pro and Rich Products, neighbors in Florida, not Buffalo. Are they watching their endangered animal run amuck? I don't think so. They're feeding a bull bull. We don't need any more consultants, corporations, sports teams, corporate media sponsorships. We don't need a talented journalist like you sacrificing his ART for the machine of war. For the machine of corporations. For the machine of distraction. While you're suggesting the artists, the culturals, take this hit, you're simultaneously suggesting that we pet, feed and praise the same animal, running in its gerbil wheel providing this spin. It is a spin. The hand feeding you and feeding the hands carrying the pointing fingers is the hand of corporations. The hand of corporate sponsored war. And you speak of sacrifice without even mentioning the militarized culture and economy we are evolving into unabashed.

What would it take to inspire a journalist like yourself, and other like minded adults to challenge the protocol for change in WNY. It can no longer be a complaint and point game. Are we going to spend a decade pointing fingers while we fail to properly educate our youth and blame the arts? Are we going to spend another decade pointing fingers while we fail to provide space for our youth to gather and be creative, an outlet of the growing human? Are we going to spend another decade pointing fingers as our children are drafted into a rich man's corporate sponsored war? And they come home, dead, uninspired, unwelcome, injured unknowing of ways to deal with their reality because the arts are gone, because there is no forum. Just a fishing shop a sports arena and a newspaper. What a beautiful city! Maybe you should move if not physically, then spiritually to a place where you can access the reality we're leaving for the children of Buffalo and Erie County. That again would call for creativity. Something you suggest we don't have time or money for. So, again, you're at an impasse, licking the hand that hits you.

What you know and what we all know, is that everyone is feeling this sacrifice, everyone in Buffalo, WNY. What you know and what we all know is that no amount of reorganizing the budget is going to make the people responsible for the mishandling of funds, accountable. That would be legal. That would involve criminality. That would involve implication, responsibility and action. That would be threatening to the powers that be. That would shake the system and you, Mr. Esmonde are feeding the system. Change your name to Status Quo.

How convenient for you to forget about the war and the economy or lack of it inspires! How ruthless, gutless and weak to conveniently forget the bravery of the poor of our community I don't care what percentage the property/school taxes are in regards to the national average. How about accountability and efficiency concerning the implementation of the budgets proposed? How about quality versus quantity? Pay attention. Open your eyes! What do you have to say to Bass Pro? What do you have to say to Albany about Bass Pro? In my opinion, you've been sponsored, coerced, and convinced that for some reason, the creative community is a threat. I suggest you take a moment to confront the thought processes that led you to believe that ARTISTS ARE THE PROBLEM. I am here to tell you in spirit, in word and with force that ARTISTS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

Where have you been? What city do you live in? I bet it's not Buffalo. We are not defined by blizzards, high taxes and the Bills. We are not defined by you, your newspaper, your myopia or your fragmented vision.

I have a solution, first, take control of your extremities, your senses and stop and thing. Take control of your arms, hands, fingers, eyes, ears. Take control of your finger pointing, scapegoating, complaining. Take control of your voice and suggest a viable solution. My solution? Thanks for asking. My solution is to keep creating, commenting, singing, writing poetry in the midst of a man made wind. I walk against the culture you promote. I am doing it now. This confrontation at this moment is a temporary solution and I will create more.

So what is your solution? Your serious, original solution? I have another solution. Put walk in your talk. Silence will reign. I suggest, first, that you empty your home of artwork, throw your favorite CDs in a large blue dumpster and burn your books. After that, I suggest you write each of your favorite artists, actors, filmmakers, and singers reprimanding them for the load of enlightenment, encouragement, imaginative survival techniques they inspire. If you still feel affected, healed, empowered by artists, I suggest you go to a hypnotist and have your childhood, young adulthood, especially your college memories separated from the art and music around you. Led Zeppelin, out the door. The Doors, gone. Pink Floyd, gone. Hip Hop, gone. Every movie, every comedian gone, perhaps drafted to fight a never-ending war. Every writer, tamed and convinced by a corporate sponsor, to change his tune, for the good of war, for the good of corporations, for the good of the goat, the scapegoat. What's your music really like Don? When you write for no one, what do the words say? Do the still blame the artists? Do they supply solutions? Or has it been so long, you forgot what you sound like? It's time to take your hands off from over your ears and it's time to see, listen and speak. Say what you really want. I challenge you. And in the midst of your freedom of speech, do your best not to be creative, because we can't afford that. Just the facts. Thanks.
Liz Mariani

Dear Liz,
Do you really think anyone is ever going to read your letter? Look at it, for God's sake! It's so long! We didn't even read it, and now we're printing it, so 30,000 people in the WNY area will also have the privelege of not reading it for themselves. Also, just so you know: when you use lots of exclamation points and ALL CAPS STATEMENTS to add emphasis, it only hurts everyone's eyes and makes you sound stupid, which increases the already overwhelming chances that no one will read your tedious, ranting screed. By the way, we weren't aware that Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd were government-funded entities.


AN ENIGMA WRAPPED IN A BURRITO

uma,
you need to make the paper more absorbent. i had a bad
case of mighty taco mudd-butt and it smeared all over.

and read alan colmes book, "my time on your planet".

...get some fuckin' downey in these jerseys.
out.
Dr. Zero

Dear Zero,
Ummm…Oh, whatever, man…you're not even worth it.

Something to tell the Editor? Email [SIC]

 
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