Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 
April 6 -April 20, 2005 Issue #72
 All Pope, All The Time
BEAST VIDEO
BEAST Story and Clip on Celebrity Justice

50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE OF 2004

Read Controversial List
TOM CRUISE ATTACKS!
Laugh at Letter from "Mega-Lawyer" Bert Fields  
[SIC] #69
FREEDOM FROM SPEECH Universities: Threatening America's Hard-Won Ignorance
by Allan Uthman
SCHIAVO STRIKES BACK
Journalists to be Punished in Afterlife
by Matt Taibbi
GEORGE W. BUSH
The Uncredible Frightened Man
by William Pitt
ERIE COUNTY SOILS ITSELF WITH APPRECIATION
by Ian Murphy
THE 10 CRAPPIEST THINGS ABOUT DOWNTOWN BUFFALO
by Gabe Armstrong
BLIND DATE SCENARIO
by N. Sorrenti
GEORGIA REFERENDUM
REPLACES ELECTRICITY w/ Prayer In Now-Dark State
BEAST's POLITICALLY CUSTOMIZED LIVING WILL FORMS
Protect Your Rights
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Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
NEW! Dreams Revealed
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Corner
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Sports Desk
Comix
NEW! Angry Voicemails
[SIC] - Your Letters
 
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CHIN MUSIC by Chris Riordan

 

At long last, the baseball season is upon us. It has been a cruel and unusual offseason for baseball fans, with the steroid controversy trumping headlines and annoying bandwagon Red Sox fans celebrating something they donít comprehend because they like Johnny Damonís hair.

Thanks, in part, to a tell-all book written by sleazeball and former baseball player Jose Canseco, the issue of performance-enhancing substance abuse in the major leagues has reached incredible proportions and resulted in a congressional hearing. In a bizarre demonstration of this countryís convoluted authoritative structure, a bunch of spotlight-loving elected handshakers called several current stars and icons of baseballís past to testify in regards to steroid usage in baseball.

We all know the tragic tale of Mark McGwireís refusal to "talk about the past" so I wonít harp on it. I would, however, love to see Big Mac, Sammy Sosa and the rest of the boys hold an "informative hearing" on the failures of Congress to work out the problems with social security and invite the same representatives to testify. In other words, mind your own fucking business, Uncle Sam. I donít think many fans give a shit about the steroid issue anyway. Letís face it, we all loved 1998 when Sosa and McGwire both battled past the homerun record on their way to baseball immortality. If a player wants to risk shrinking their nuts to put on some muscle, good for him. You still have to hit that ball, and thatís the trick. It might go five or ten feet further, but steroids arenít going to make you a good baseball player.

Whatís wrong with them? Theyíre unnatural? So is Lasik eye surgery. Theyíre illegal? So is punching your wife. We donít suspend players for that. Itís cheating? No, bribing the ump is cheating. Steroids are a supplement. How many Hall of Fame pitchers blatantly cheated by scuffing the ball? The guy with the coolest name in baseball, for one: Gaylord Perry.

As mentioned earlier, the other ugly offseason specter was presented by the Suddenly Sox fans, who started watching the playoffs during game 6 of the ALCS last year and ran out to buy an entire wardrobe of Red Sox gear to show their enthusiasm. Well, their flames may have been doused Sunday night as the New York Yankees clubbed them around 9 - 2 in a lopsided opening day victory. Lead by a strong showing from new aquisition Randy Johnson, who baffled Boston hitters despite not having his best stuff due to the cold, the Yankees quickly reminded the Red Sox that 2004 was over. Boston looked hot at first, but the wind was taken out of their sails when Hideki Matsui leaped over the leftfield wall to rob Kevin Millar of a 2-run homer that would have put them in the lead. Matsui also went 3 for 5 at the plate with a home run of his own. Now itís up to the New York Mets to see if they can compete with the Yankees for the attention of the stateís sport fans. The Mets have learned from the Yankees that money might not buy you love, but it can certainly buy you baseball victories. They signed Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinex, the two biggest free agents of the winter, and seemed poised to show the world they can... spend a lot of money and still lose a lot of games. Mark my words.

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