after we tear down all of c
& b's billboards, we should kidnap them and make them
fight each other to the death. it would be so great to see
those guys personally injure each other, over and over with
Somehow we think they’d
be able to figure out a way to get rich by suing each other
AS AMERICAN AS ABJECT POVERTY
Dear whoever you are,
#1 buffalo beast.com
I must admit that after reading
your 50 diatribes eviscerating some of America's pundits and
celebrities alike, that I had to force a few chuckles. Ridiculing
circus freaks like Michael Jackson works in this instance
because he is bizarro slime. But your unmerciful, rabid siege
on some well-meaning luminaries demonstrates your level of
hubris and lack of understanding for our society. If you're
not Americans, which by your blind, uninformed attack on our
system I assume you're not, why don't you move away. If this
places is the steaming mound of feces - i.e. #3 on the list
YOU - you portray it to be, leave. Move to Canada, as many
people have wanted to do since the coronation of President
Bush. Enjoy giving away 80 percent of your taxes and freezing
your asses off with a cadre of festering herds lamenting the
end of a silly sport on ice. You call Tom Delay a misanthrope,
but perhaps it is you.
Smoking Gun: Wanton, unwarranted,
judgmental assault on the United States and its leaders and
Punishment: Tied to the ground
and stampeded by every one of the 300 million Americans trotting
this great country.
Guillaume Doane, Santa Barbara,
If you can convince Canada
to take us, we are so there. That’s the funny thing about
the "love it or leave it" ultimatum: in fact, none of the
numerous countries that are clearly better places to live
than America are willing to accept American emigrants. Perhaps
it’s because we’re so great. You call Tom Delay a "well-meaning
luminary," and we’re uninformed? We’re glad you’re so happy
with the way things are going around here. Congratulations
on being the 1,000th person to send us an angry,
amateurish diatribe against us in the form of a "Most Loathsome"
CHEERS AND PEERS
My name is Tom Samstag and
I am an editor of Gracies Dinnertime Theatre, a weekly magazine
of satire, literature, art and poetry operated out of Rochester
Institute of Technology. On a road trip to Niagara last weekend,
we saw The Beast in a newsstand and had to jump out of the
car to grab a copy for each of us. Needless to say, I found
it to be absolutely beautiful. Please reply with any information
you may have about subscribing to The Beast.
It’s big of you to acknowledge
our obvious superiority. Hey, folks, subscribing is easy:
send cash, check, money order or Swiss bearer bonds ($28/6
months, $52/1 year) to The Beast, 712 Main St., Buffalo, NY
14202 or call us at (716) 856-4355 if you want to charge it
and don’t mind the FBI having your credit card number. No
longer will you need to complain about our stoner delivery
guys or sluggish website!
FEAR AND GONADS
Dear Matt...excellent, insightful,
moving piece about HST versus Buckley. There is amusing film
footage, somewhere, of Buckley "debating" Gore Vidal in the
60's and the only riposte Buck manages to Vidal's withering,
accurate bon mot (calling Buckley a "crypto-Nazi") is to splutteringly
label Vidal a fag.
Buckley isn't/wasn't fit to
lick the sweat of Thompson's balls. Anyone who has read them
both knows the real story.
Great paper, keep up the horrid
We hear Thompson’s ball-sweat
sells on the street for about $400 a gram.
LEGISLATING FROM THE WENCH
I didn't read your article
in the Buffalo Beast because I couldn't get beyond the picture
on the cover with the headline "Schiavo... America's Favorite
Vegetable." How would you like it if that was your mother?
Or sister? Shame on you.
It's no wonder your paper is
free. Who would buy it?!?!
Dear Ms. Lickfield,
We’re glad you asked, Lisa!
Scores of people are making the wise and respected choice
to subscribe to the Beast. Nothing tells visitors to your
home "I don’t give a fuck about your religious bullshit" like
a copy of the Beast on your coffee table. Success and prestige
are right around the corner if you e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
today for further details! Or you could just read the reply
above with all the info. Seriously folks, our advertising
revenue sucks, so we need some love from the readers—you don’t
have to subscribe; just give us money!
IT’S OFFICIAL: THE BEAST
I have a copy of your 3/23-4/6
rag sheet with Terry Schiavo's pic on the cover. you ought
to be embarrassed to put your name on this piece of crap and
ashamed of yourself for being such an uncaring individual.
I never saw or heard of this publication before and believe
me I will never pick it up again. this is "journalism" at
its lowest. may you have nothing but bad luck - perhaps you
can be America's next favorite vegetable. what goes around,
comes around sleazebag.
We appreciate your thinly
veiled threat. Now remember, when we become vegetables through
your twisted god’s sense of karmic justice, you are obligated
to fight with all your might to prevent the termination of
our futile and costly medical care. We thank you in advance.
PRUDES AGAINST CENSORSHIP
I absolutely adore your paper.
I moved here from Brooklyn
and I must say the Beast is the only thing in this place that
doesn't suck. I fell in love with your paper the first time
I read it, and I have read it ever since. I loved the article
about the pope notice it's not in capitals like everyone seems
to write it in every article you read. I'm sorry that you
caught such flack about it. People these days seem to have
no sense of humor. You have to laugh at ****.
Keep up the good work.
We find it ironic that in
defending our right to offend readers and expressing sorrow
at the outrage of others, you still can’t bring yourself to
type the word "shit."
To the Editors: Instead of
Eminem, you really should have included Kid Rock in you top
50 list for 2004.
Crimes: Continues to remind
us of his trailer-park roots and tell us how hard it is to
be him, while hobnobbing with the Hollywood elite. How many
times do we need to hear about what '70s-era records he listens
to and steals from in his derivative pap? Continues to affect
southern accent even though born and raised in upper mid-West.
Smoking Gun: Endorsed that
fellow zillionaire idiot who affects a southern accent despite
elite roots and connections.
Punishment: Death by a thousand
cuts from the shards of smashed Dixie Chicks CDs.
Hunter Van Valkenburgh
Actually, Eminem was on
the ’02 list, but whatever. Kid Rock makes a good entry, also
because of his cheapening the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
ceremony, causing palpable discomfort to show on the faces
of the washed up stars who were forced to tolerate his presence
onstage. Plus he just plain sucks. His brother Chris is hilarious,
though. If these mock "loathsome list" entries keep coming
in at this rate, we’ll be able to put together next year’s
list without writing any ourselves. Keep it up, wannabes!
CHRIST’S MESSAGE: TORTURE
& KILL MATT TAIBBI
Dear Matt 'Dying Pope Basher'
I invite you to have a look
at a sober and objective article on the deteriorating condition
of the pope on www.moscownews.ru entitled "Can Catholicism
Survive without John Paul II?"
Please note the subtle sarcastic
remarks that poke good-natured fun without having to resort
to vile and sadistic comments about the pope's furry breasts
and various unnecessary allusions to decomposing brain material
and baboons, for example. This is not good writing; this is
simple shock-and-awe neoconservative-style tactics, albeit
from a so-called liberal. You should be shot and your dead
corpse dragged around St. Peter's Square while millions of
pilgrims who made the journey just for the occasion throw
animal feces and bad tomatoes at what was once the pathetic
you. You nauseate me, you make me sick.
May an Inquisition rise up
and burn you at a stake in downtown Buffalo while little virgin
girls with rosaries cheer your demise, you loathsome creature
sent from the devil, you.
Robert Bridge, Moscow
We’re pretty sure that would
draw an even bigger crowd than Pat Benatar. By the way, that
article of yours reads like you cribbed it from Encyclopedia
The word is RELIGERANT. The
Religerants don't get mad at you simply because you're not
about to take them seriously either. You don't exactly argue
the issues with them, do you? That's right. Of course, there's
no issues to argue. I knew you would say that. The perfect
response to bogus pomp is hilarious laughter and satire.
Keep up the good work. Don't
stoop to their level. If you do, you'll get fatal papal poop
right in yer eyeball.
Oh, you’re just being Liberazy.
so i was at the walden galleria
mall in cheektowaga, ny friday night at about 7 pm. they have
these stands set up in the middle of the walkway and one of
them was for Verizon. the salesman and i had a brief exchange
Verizon: hey! do you want a
me: yes! (i made my friend
johanna walk over with me and i pointed at one of the phones
in the case) is that one free?
Verizon: no, it's this one
me: can i look at it?
Verizon: yeah, sure. (he hands
me the phone)
me: this is the one that's
and i put the phone in my pocket
and walked away. i think he was yelling something about a
service plan at us, but i was too excited about my new free
cell phone to worry about that.
later, i found out the "phone"
was really just a couple of pieces of plastic with some stickers
on it to make it look like a phone! the next chance i get,
i'm going to go back there to complain.
Oooo, you got a sticker
phone! Man, those things are great! They work just like a
cell phone, except they don’t ring incessantly and slowly
take over your life. With the sticker phone, you can enjoy
coherent, uninterrupted conversations and peaceful personal
time, and you’ll never be the jerk at the lecture/play/poetry
reading/quiet restaurant who everyone glares at because he
forgot to put it on vibrate. Dude, if you don’t like it, we’ll
totally trade you. Wait, didn’t we just talk to you at the
top of the page?
I thoroughly enjoyed Al Uthmann's
piece on Terri Schiavo. I was initially inclined to skip it
since I really don't give a shit about some bulimic who pretty
much killed herself in 1994 trying to fit into tight jeans.
But I enjoyed the angle of the story, the focus on the lack
of tangible facts in the story as presented by the media.
I especially liked the inclusion, whether you were being intentionally
funny or not, of bitching about *journalists* in the *media*
who aren't bothering to dig up the facts and report them.
Of course this bitching was courtesy of a journalist in the
media, irritabilly shaking their fists at their peers for
not doing anything either.
What was the reaction like
in regards to the cover? Were people bummed on it? After the
Pope story scandal, I knew the face of alternative media would
change forever. A funny and little known thing about that
A few weeks ago I sent an email
to Taibbi that read "Hey, the Pope is gonna die soon and I'm
working on a story called "the 100 funniest things about the
Pope's recent death" - i'm stuck at 52, though. any ideas?"
All Matt wrote back was "can
u get any vicodin?" I just wanted to state that for the record.
I'm outty clam chowdy. That new baseball column you got in
this issue looks tight as hell.
Yeah, you’re right. We shouldn’t
expect any more legwork out of multi-billion dollar mainstream
news outlets than we do from struggling alternative biweeklies
with less discretionary cash than is spent at the average
office birthday party. The reaction to the Schiavo cover has
been, shall we say, mixed.
ALBATROSS GROWS HEAVIER
Huzzah for your fifty worst
people. Absolutely brazen, unafraid, bald
sarcasm of the very most ingenious
sort and delightful in every lien.
Whoever wrote that should NOT
be promoted to management, unless they are
Really fun and too true to
be quiet about.
Amos Jessup, San Diego
So this is how the blogging
revolution works: a single article we wrote gets passed around
the web like a comatose stripper at a stag party and winds
up getting read and discussed more than every other thing
we’ve ever written put together. As more web surfers come
across it, they post it again, starting further volleys of
faux-fresh linkage and late-coming praise and criticism, to
which we must reply in some entertaining fashion. Yay information