Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 
April 6 -April 20, 2005 Issue #72
 All Pope, All The Time
BEAST VIDEO
BEAST Story and Clip on Celebrity Justice

50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE OF 2004

Read Controversial List
TOM CRUISE ATTACKS!
Laugh at Letter from "Mega-Lawyer" Bert Fields  
[SIC] #69
FREEDOM FROM SPEECH Universities: Threatening America's Hard-Won Ignorance
by Allan Uthman
SCHIAVO STRIKES BACK
Journalists to be Punished in Afterlife
by Matt Taibbi
GEORGE W. BUSH
The Uncredible Frightened Man
by William Pitt
ERIE COUNTY SOILS ITSELF WITH APPRECIATION
by Ian Murphy
THE 10 CRAPPIEST THINGS ABOUT DOWNTOWN BUFFALO
by Gabe Armstrong
BLIND DATE SCENARIO
by N. Sorrenti
GEORGIA REFERENDUM
REPLACES ELECTRICITY w/ Prayer In Now-Dark State
BEAST's POLITICALLY CUSTOMIZED LIVING WILL FORMS
Protect Your Rights
RSS FEED
ISSUE#72 PDF FILE
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
NEW! Dreams Revealed
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Corner
Audio Files
Sports Desk
Comix
NEW! Angry Voicemails
[SIC] - Your Letters
 
BEAST ARCHIVES
BEAST LINKS
BEAST SUBSCRIPTIONS
BEASTLY MERCHANDISE
[SIC] Letters to Editor

 

CELLINO & HARMS

after we tear down all of c & b's billboards, we should kidnap them and make them fight each other to the death. it would be so great to see those guys personally injure each other, over and over with tire irons.

-josh

Dear Josh,

Somehow we think they’d be able to figure out a way to get rich by suing each other over it.

 

AS AMERICAN AS ABJECT POVERTY

Dear whoever you are,

#1 buffalo beast.com

I must admit that after reading your 50 diatribes eviscerating some of America's pundits and celebrities alike, that I had to force a few chuckles. Ridiculing circus freaks like Michael Jackson works in this instance because he is bizarro slime. But your unmerciful, rabid siege on some well-meaning luminaries demonstrates your level of hubris and lack of understanding for our society. If you're not Americans, which by your blind, uninformed attack on our system I assume you're not, why don't you move away. If this places is the steaming mound of feces - i.e. #3 on the list YOU - you portray it to be, leave. Move to Canada, as many people have wanted to do since the coronation of President Bush. Enjoy giving away 80 percent of your taxes and freezing your asses off with a cadre of festering herds lamenting the end of a silly sport on ice. You call Tom Delay a misanthrope, but perhaps it is you.

Smoking Gun: Wanton, unwarranted, judgmental assault on the United States and its leaders and celebrities

Punishment: Tied to the ground and stampeded by every one of the 300 million Americans trotting this great country.

Guillaume Doane, Santa Barbara, CA

Dear Guillaume,

If you can convince Canada to take us, we are so there. That’s the funny thing about the "love it or leave it" ultimatum: in fact, none of the numerous countries that are clearly better places to live than America are willing to accept American emigrants. Perhaps it’s because we’re so great. You call Tom Delay a "well-meaning luminary," and we’re uninformed? We’re glad you’re so happy with the way things are going around here. Congratulations on being the 1,000th person to send us an angry, amateurish diatribe against us in the form of a "Most Loathsome" entry.

 

CHEERS AND PEERS

Hello,

My name is Tom Samstag and I am an editor of Gracies Dinnertime Theatre, a weekly magazine of satire, literature, art and poetry operated out of Rochester Institute of Technology. On a road trip to Niagara last weekend, we saw The Beast in a newsstand and had to jump out of the car to grab a copy for each of us. Needless to say, I found it to be absolutely beautiful. Please reply with any information you may have about subscribing to The Beast.

-Tom Samstag

Dear Tom,

It’s big of you to acknowledge our obvious superiority. Hey, folks, subscribing is easy: send cash, check, money order or Swiss bearer bonds ($28/6 months, $52/1 year) to The Beast, 712 Main St., Buffalo, NY 14202 or call us at (716) 856-4355 if you want to charge it and don’t mind the FBI having your credit card number. No longer will you need to complain about our stoner delivery guys or sluggish website!

 

FEAR AND GONADS

Dear Matt...excellent, insightful, moving piece about HST versus Buckley. There is amusing film footage, somewhere, of Buckley "debating" Gore Vidal in the 60's and the only riposte Buck manages to Vidal's withering, accurate bon mot (calling Buckley a "crypto-Nazi") is to splutteringly label Vidal a fag.

Clever, no?

Buckley isn't/wasn't fit to lick the sweat of Thompson's balls. Anyone who has read them both knows the real story.

Great paper, keep up the horrid work...Seanman_01

Dear Seanman,

We hear Thompson’s ball-sweat sells on the street for about $400 a gram.

 

LEGISLATING FROM THE WENCH

I didn't read your article in the Buffalo Beast because I couldn't get beyond the picture on the cover with the headline "Schiavo... America's Favorite Vegetable." How would you like it if that was your mother? Or sister? Shame on you.

It's no wonder your paper is free. Who would buy it?!?!

Lisa Lickfield

Dear Ms. Lickfield,

We’re glad you asked, Lisa! Scores of people are making the wise and respected choice to subscribe to the Beast. Nothing tells visitors to your home "I don’t give a fuck about your religious bullshit" like a copy of the Beast on your coffee table. Success and prestige are right around the corner if you e-mail subscription@buffalobeast.com today for further details! Or you could just read the reply above with all the info. Seriously folks, our advertising revenue sucks, so we need some love from the readers—you don’t have to subscribe; just give us money!

 

IT’S OFFICIAL: THE BEAST IS JOURNALISM

I have a copy of your 3/23-4/6 rag sheet with Terry Schiavo's pic on the cover. you ought to be embarrassed to put your name on this piece of crap and ashamed of yourself for being such an uncaring individual. I never saw or heard of this publication before and believe me I will never pick it up again. this is "journalism" at its lowest. may you have nothing but bad luck - perhaps you can be America's next favorite vegetable. what goes around, comes around sleazebag.

Eileen Keller

Dear Eileen,

We appreciate your thinly veiled threat. Now remember, when we become vegetables through your twisted god’s sense of karmic justice, you are obligated to fight with all your might to prevent the termination of our futile and costly medical care. We thank you in advance.

PRUDES AGAINST CENSORSHIP

I absolutely adore your paper.

I moved here from Brooklyn and I must say the Beast is the only thing in this place that doesn't suck. I fell in love with your paper the first time I read it, and I have read it ever since. I loved the article about the pope notice it's not in capitals like everyone seems to write it in every article you read. I'm sorry that you caught such flack about it. People these days seem to have no sense of humor. You have to laugh at ****.

Keep up the good work.

Avtn80

Dear Avtn,

We find it ironic that in defending our right to offend readers and expressing sorrow at the outrage of others, you still can’t bring yourself to type the word "shit."

 

VALID NOMINEE

To the Editors: Instead of Eminem, you really should have included Kid Rock in you top 50 list for 2004.

Crimes: Continues to remind us of his trailer-park roots and tell us how hard it is to be him, while hobnobbing with the Hollywood elite. How many times do we need to hear about what '70s-era records he listens to and steals from in his derivative pap? Continues to affect southern accent even though born and raised in upper mid-West.

Smoking Gun: Endorsed that fellow zillionaire idiot who affects a southern accent despite elite roots and connections.

Punishment: Death by a thousand cuts from the shards of smashed Dixie Chicks CDs.

Hunter Van Valkenburgh

Dear Hunter,

Actually, Eminem was on the ’02 list, but whatever. Kid Rock makes a good entry, also because of his cheapening the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, causing palpable discomfort to show on the faces of the washed up stars who were forced to tolerate his presence onstage. Plus he just plain sucks. His brother Chris is hilarious, though. If these mock "loathsome list" entries keep coming in at this rate, we’ll be able to put together next year’s list without writing any ourselves. Keep it up, wannabes!

 

CHRIST’S MESSAGE: TORTURE & KILL MATT TAIBBI

Dear Matt 'Dying Pope Basher' Taibbi,

I invite you to have a look at a sober and objective article on the deteriorating condition of the pope on www.moscownews.ru entitled "Can Catholicism Survive without John Paul II?"

Please note the subtle sarcastic remarks that poke good-natured fun without having to resort to vile and sadistic comments about the pope's furry breasts and various unnecessary allusions to decomposing brain material and baboons, for example. This is not good writing; this is simple shock-and-awe neoconservative-style tactics, albeit from a so-called liberal. You should be shot and your dead corpse dragged around St. Peter's Square while millions of pilgrims who made the journey just for the occasion throw animal feces and bad tomatoes at what was once the pathetic you. You nauseate me, you make me sick.

May an Inquisition rise up and burn you at a stake in downtown Buffalo while little virgin girls with rosaries cheer your demise, you loathsome creature sent from the devil, you.

Robert Bridge, Moscow

Dear Robert,

We’re pretty sure that would draw an even bigger crowd than Pat Benatar. By the way, that article of yours reads like you cribbed it from Encyclopedia Brittanica.

 

ASPIRING LEXICOGRAPHER

The word is RELIGERANT. The Religerants don't get mad at you simply because you're not about to take them seriously either. You don't exactly argue the issues with them, do you? That's right. Of course, there's no issues to argue. I knew you would say that. The perfect response to bogus pomp is hilarious laughter and satire.

Keep up the good work. Don't stoop to their level. If you do, you'll get fatal papal poop right in yer eyeball.

Enjoy!

Rick McGirr

Dear Rick,

Oh, you’re just being Liberazy.

 

FUTURE DEPOSITION

so i was at the walden galleria mall in cheektowaga, ny friday night at about 7 pm. they have these stands set up in the middle of the walkway and one of them was for Verizon. the salesman and i had a brief exchange

Verizon: hey! do you want a free phone?

me: yes! (i made my friend johanna walk over with me and i pointed at one of the phones in the case) is that one free?

Verizon: no, it's this one over here.

me: can i look at it?

Verizon: yeah, sure. (he hands me the phone)

me: this is the one that's free?

Verizon: yes.

me: thanks!

and i put the phone in my pocket and walked away. i think he was yelling something about a service plan at us, but i was too excited about my new free cell phone to worry about that.

later, i found out the "phone" was really just a couple of pieces of plastic with some stickers on it to make it look like a phone! the next chance i get, i'm going to go back there to complain.

-josh

Dear Josh,

Oooo, you got a sticker phone! Man, those things are great! They work just like a cell phone, except they don’t ring incessantly and slowly take over your life. With the sticker phone, you can enjoy coherent, uninterrupted conversations and peaceful personal time, and you’ll never be the jerk at the lecture/play/poetry reading/quiet restaurant who everyone glares at because he forgot to put it on vibrate. Dude, if you don’t like it, we’ll totally trade you. Wait, didn’t we just talk to you at the top of the page?

 

IRRATABILLY YOURS

I thoroughly enjoyed Al Uthmann's piece on Terri Schiavo. I was initially inclined to skip it since I really don't give a shit about some bulimic who pretty much killed herself in 1994 trying to fit into tight jeans. But I enjoyed the angle of the story, the focus on the lack of tangible facts in the story as presented by the media. I especially liked the inclusion, whether you were being intentionally funny or not, of bitching about *journalists* in the *media* who aren't bothering to dig up the facts and report them. Of course this bitching was courtesy of a journalist in the media, irritabilly shaking their fists at their peers for not doing anything either.

What was the reaction like in regards to the cover? Were people bummed on it? After the Pope story scandal, I knew the face of alternative media would change forever. A funny and little known thing about that Pope story...

A few weeks ago I sent an email to Taibbi that read "Hey, the Pope is gonna die soon and I'm working on a story called "the 100 funniest things about the Pope's recent death" - i'm stuck at 52, though. any ideas?"

All Matt wrote back was "can u get any vicodin?" I just wanted to state that for the record. I'm outty clam chowdy. That new baseball column you got in this issue looks tight as hell.

-Chris Riordan

Dear Chris,

Yeah, you’re right. We shouldn’t expect any more legwork out of multi-billion dollar mainstream news outlets than we do from struggling alternative biweeklies with less discretionary cash than is spent at the average office birthday party. The reaction to the Schiavo cover has been, shall we say, mixed.

 

ALBATROSS GROWS HEAVIER

Huzzah for your fifty worst people. Absolutely brazen, unafraid, bald

sarcasm of the very most ingenious sort and delightful in every lien.

Thanks!!

Whoever wrote that should NOT be promoted to management, unless they are

already!!

Really fun and too true to be quiet about.

Amos Jessup, San Diego

Dear Amos,

So this is how the blogging revolution works: a single article we wrote gets passed around the web like a comatose stripper at a stag party and winds up getting read and discussed more than every other thing we’ve ever written put together. As more web surfers come across it, they post it again, starting further volleys of faux-fresh linkage and late-coming praise and criticism, to which we must reply in some entertaining fashion. Yay information superhighway!

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