It is obvious that the branches
in your dreams represent independent, non-Russian states
hostile to the Bolsheviks, and clearly you mother’s desire
to hatch quails is a testimonial to my defeat of the White
Army at Tsaritsyn. The only way for you to rid yourself
of this dream is to unearth the bones of Dora Kaplan, grind
them into powder, and snort them through a rolled up five-ruble
note on the tomb of Vladimir Lenin.
I had a dream that
a giant meteorite was headed for earth, and that everyone
was going to die. I got in my car and began speeding toward
the Canadian Rockies for safety, when I noticed that a Charlie
McCarthy ventriloquist dummy was riding shotgun. As we neared
the mountains, my car struggled to climb the grade. That’s
when Charlie unbuckled his seat belt and began tenderly
rubbing the dashboard, saying "Come on you old bitch,
just do it for Charlie." Just then, the meteor appeared
on the horizon and I could see that Edgar Bergen was straddling
it like a mechanical bull, trying not to spill his glass
of brandy. What do you think it meant?
-Alarmed in Poinciana
The Meteorite in your dream
is a symbolic representation of the suicide of my second
wife Nadezhda Alliluyeva. The ‘Dummy’ is clearly meant to
represent Sergei Kirov, who paid dearly for his insolence.
The struggling car in your dream is reminiscent of the non-aggression
pact I signed with Adolph Hitler in 1939. Truly, your dream
has given you much insight into my life, and I hope that
some day you may join me on the other side, and together
we will drink brewed mead from the skulls of the kulaks,
and play Texas hold ‘em with these new translucent plastic
cards I bought at Bed Bath and Beyond.
Recently I’ve had
a dream where I was a contestant on ‘Family Feud’. Ray Combs
asks me what people said was the most unusual place they’ve
ever made whoopee, but I can’t think of an answer before
the buzzer goes off. Suddenly, Ray disappears, and a large
goose emerges from his crumpled suit and chases me around
the set, while everyone laughs and applauds. Could this
have anything to do with my aversion to commitment?
-Curious in Springfield
I went to Hell to find Ray
Combs, to see whether he might have some insight into your
dream, but when I found him he was playing grab-ass with
Quasay Hussein and
wouldn’t be disturbed. His
house boy did inform me, however, that the ‘whoopee’ question
was most commonly posed by another, more fearsome figure,
which he called ‘Bob Eubanks.’ Perhaps this new wrinkle
will shed some light on your dilemma. If not, I recommend
a vigorous steam bath.
I had a very bizarre
dream the other night, where I was cooking a fish when it
leapt of the pan and bit me on the arm. I immediately looked
at the wound, and it seemed to be in the shape of a letter
‘B’. What’s the significance?
-Bitten in Buffalo
Give a man a fish and he
will eat for a day, build him a Bass-Pro and he will piss
away countless afternoons trying to catch diseased walleye
with overly complicated sonic lures and needlessly expensive
high-tension polymer lines. The wound in your dream is actually
a misshapen number 8. I have no idea what that means.
For a few weeks
I’ve been having this dream where I’m clinging to the barnacles
on the hull of a Merchant Marine ship in the middle of the
ocean. Suddenly, a sea turtle appears and my dead grandfather
is riding on its back. My Grandfather then curses at me
in Macedonian, and flings his jacket at me before disappearing
below the waves. As I inspect the jacket, I can see that
he has sewn a recipe for Lepcha Bread into the lining. What
could he be trying to tell me?
-Intrigued in Roswell
If you are to take anything
from this dream, it is to never underestimate the power
of baked goods in bringing old foes together. Winston Churchill
and Franklin D. Roosevelt would never have agreed to meet
with me in Yalta had I not promised to bring Crossanwiches
enough for everybody.
Have a dream that’s
troubling you? Let Joseph Stalin help as he whiles away
eternity….write to Joseph Stalin P.O. Box 3895763541537372625162737618172