Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 
April 6 -April 20, 2005 Issue #72
 All Pope, All The Time
BEAST VIDEO
BEAST Story and Clip on Celebrity Justice

50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE OF 2004

Read Controversial List
TOM CRUISE ATTACKS!
Laugh at Letter from "Mega-Lawyer" Bert Fields  
[SIC] #69
FREEDOM FROM SPEECH Universities: Threatening America's Hard-Won Ignorance
by Allan Uthman
SCHIAVO STRIKES BACK
Journalists to be Punished in Afterlife
by Matt Taibbi
GEORGE W. BUSH
The Uncredible Frightened Man
by William Pitt
ERIE COUNTY SOILS ITSELF WITH APPRECIATION
by Ian Murphy
THE 10 CRAPPIEST THINGS ABOUT DOWNTOWN BUFFALO
by Gabe Armstrong
BLIND DATE SCENARIO
by N. Sorrenti
GEORGIA REFERENDUM
REPLACES ELECTRICITY w/ Prayer In Now-Dark State
BEAST's POLITICALLY CUSTOMIZED LIVING WILL FORMS
Protect Your Rights
RSS FEED
ISSUE#72 PDF FILE
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
NEW! Dreams Revealed
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Corner
Audio Files
Sports Desk
Comix
NEW! Angry Voicemails
[SIC] - Your Letters
 
BEAST ARCHIVES
BEAST LINKS
BEAST SUBSCRIPTIONS
BEASTLY MERCHANDISE
THE BEAST ANGRY VOICEMAIL COMPENDIUM

The hate doesn’t just come in email form, you know. We got lots of hateful calls this week, and some were just too good not to share with our faithful pro-death readers.

Keep ‘em coming, folks; let us know how we’re doing!

SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF HUMOR TO ANIMALS

You know that ad with the cat in it? Where you’re gonna drown it? What are you people goofy or something how stupid can you be to put somthin like that in a, in a, any kinda magazine? You gotta be complete ignorant idiots.

We don’t think we’re idiots, but we admit that we may be somewhat goofy.

--

Ya know what? Anyone that would advertise in your whatever it is, is nuts. That you’d put a little kitten in your advertisement that you would drown a kitten, you people are assholes! I wouldn’t advertise you in a heartbeat! In fact, I would picket you! Assholes!

Oh, please picket us. Pretty please?

Yo man I don’t know who this dirty cocksucker is that put this ad into your paper this paper about this fucking cat that your going to drown it but. But dude that was just fucked up! I don’t know what the hell your thinking but that is the most grimiest motherfuckin’ thing I have ever seen in my fuckin life. Dude yo totally man…oh fuck that and holy shit dude that shit is just fucked up. Ya wanna call me go ahead, 868-5041 fuckhead!

Ummm…why would we want to call you?

Yeah I was just reading the back of this magazine…the Beast..,what one is it, the 52nd one about the death of the pope? And on the back it says you don’t advertise in the Beast and we’ll kill a kitten? You fuckin asshole! How you gonna kill a cat if somebody don’t advertise in your fuckin magazine ya fuckin retard? I used to read em every weak, fuck you! I won’t read em no more! Asshole. Bye.

It’s a joke people; that’s how we do. A joke, okay? The reason we think it’s funny is that it’s totally absurd, and indicates to more observant, less stupid people, how desperate we are for ads. All of the offensive content of the last couple of issues, and you humorless wonders decide to get upset about this silly, obviously facetious gag? If you’re not mentally sophisticated enough to understand this, then the rest of the paper will be lost on you anyway, so please leave it for someone else who might have some hope of appreciating it. Seriously, we haven’t drowned any kittens for at least a year now.

 

HOW DARE YOU AMUSE ME

I’d like to leave a comment about the beast this week. We read every week here at work…volume 71 about the Schiavo girl; that was a little much. I mean ya know…[caller laughs]…it was funny but I think you guys are, gotta lighten up a little bit. Do something about the pope or something like that would be funny but not that girl; take care, bye. Ah, umm, I guess we’ll keep on reading. Take care, bye.

 

JUST IGNORE HIM

Hi! I’m callin to let you know that that is the most ignorant, ignorant thing I ever did see for you to put that on the front page of your paper about that lady. That is the most ignorant thing I’ve ever seen.

Thank you, caller!

 

YEAH SURE, YOU WERE A BIG FAN

Yeah, ya know I just saw a copy of the Beast here. You know what I used to pick this up and read this but what the fuck’s a matter with you people? This is…this is tasteless. And ah, just to let you know I’m never gonna get a copy or tell anybody to pick up a copy of this magazine.

Cool! More for us! We’re making a couch out of them.

 

BREAKING IT OFF

You know your magazine used to be pretty good. I liked the different stories you guys come up with but this little Shiavo thing on the front page that is very, very classless. Um…you should be sued or someone should do something about it because that’s really, really bad.

So, we can be sued for being "bad" now? We knew we didn’t like that Patriot Act for some reason. Please don’t leave us, caller; we can change! We really mean it this time! Hey, we didn’t even know you had this "vegetable" hang-up. Fine, then—be that way. Go buy a Newsweek or something.

 

SCHIAVO ALIVE-O?

Oh, did you take off for Easter? Do you find yourself that holy? Well, think again because I’d like to talk to somebody about your publications and what I’ve been seein’ on your…on your newspapers. I think it’s disgusting; truly I do and think that if you find yourself thinking you have a sense of humor, you got it all wrong. I don’t know who told you you did? I will be callin’ back, my name is Terri and I will be returning the call back.

Dear Terri,

Uh…Mrs. Schiavo? Is it really you? Oh man, we’re really sorry. Really, really. Please don’t do anything supernatural to us, like haunt us or call back. We’ll be good, we really will. So…how’s heaven treating you? Any chance we’ll be able to get in? Nah, who are we kidding?

 

POOPER SCOOP

Okay. My name is Steve. I want to see the cover of the next Beast with the Rath Building wrapped in toilet paper, with an "out of order" sign stuck on the front of it. And then with a little sign on the corner "please don’t squeeze the taxpayers." I mean…if you can get away with America’s favorite vegetable, damnit you ought to be able to get away with this. And that comes from Steve Trask, thank you very much.

Dear Steve,

Since we didn’t think of it, this can’t be a good idea.

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