FOR THE PREVENTION OF HUMOR TO ANIMALS
You know that ad with the
cat in it? Where you’re gonna drown it? What are you people
goofy or something how stupid can you be to put somthin
like that in a, in a, any kinda magazine? You gotta be complete
We don’t think we’re
idiots, but we admit that we may be somewhat goofy.
Ya know what? Anyone that
would advertise in your whatever it is, is nuts. That you’d
put a little kitten in your advertisement that you would
drown a kitten, you people are assholes! I wouldn’t advertise
you in a heartbeat! In fact, I would picket you! Assholes!
Oh, please picket
us. Pretty please?
Yo man I don’t know who this
dirty cocksucker is that put this ad into your paper this
paper about this fucking cat that your going to drown it
but. But dude that was just fucked up! I don’t know what
the hell your thinking but that is the most grimiest motherfuckin’
thing I have ever seen in my fuckin life. Dude yo totally
man…oh fuck that and holy shit dude that shit is just fucked
up. Ya wanna call me go ahead, 868-5041 fuckhead!
Ummm…why would we
want to call you?
Yeah I was just reading the
back of this magazine…the Beast..,what one is it, the 52nd
one about the death of the pope? And on the back it says
you don’t advertise in the Beast and we’ll kill a kitten?
You fuckin asshole! How you gonna kill a cat if somebody
don’t advertise in your fuckin magazine ya fuckin retard?
I used to read em every weak, fuck you! I won’t read em
no more! Asshole. Bye.
It’s a joke people;
that’s how we do. A joke, okay? The reason we think it’s
funny is that it’s totally absurd, and indicates to more
observant, less stupid people, how desperate we are for
ads. All of the offensive content of the last couple of
issues, and you humorless wonders decide to get upset about
this silly, obviously facetious gag? If you’re not mentally
sophisticated enough to understand this, then the rest of
the paper will be lost on you anyway, so please leave it
for someone else who might have some hope of appreciating
it. Seriously, we haven’t drowned any kittens for at least
a year now.
HOW DARE YOU AMUSE ME
I’d like to leave a comment
about the beast this week. We read every week here at work…volume
71 about the Schiavo girl; that was a little much. I mean
ya know…[caller laughs]…it was funny but I think
you guys are, gotta lighten up a little bit. Do something
about the pope or something like that would be funny but
not that girl; take care, bye. Ah, umm, I guess we’ll keep
on reading. Take care, bye.
JUST IGNORE HIM
Hi! I’m callin to let you
know that that is the most ignorant, ignorant thing I ever
did see for you to put that on the front page of your paper
about that lady. That is the most ignorant thing I’ve ever
Thank you, caller!
YEAH SURE, YOU WERE A BIG
Yeah, ya know I just saw
a copy of the Beast here. You know what I used to pick this
up and read this but what the fuck’s a matter with you people?
This is…this is tasteless. And ah, just to let you know
I’m never gonna get a copy or tell anybody to pick up a
copy of this magazine.
Cool! More for us!
We’re making a couch out of them.
BREAKING IT OFF
You know your magazine used
to be pretty good. I liked the different stories you guys
come up with but this little Shiavo thing on the front page
that is very, very classless. Um…you should be sued or someone
should do something about it because that’s really, really
So, we can be sued
for being "bad" now? We knew we didn’t like that
Patriot Act for some reason. Please don’t leave us, caller;
we can change! We really mean it this time! Hey, we didn’t
even know you had this "vegetable" hang-up. Fine,
then—be that way. Go buy a Newsweek or something.
Oh, did you take
off for Easter? Do you find yourself that holy? Well, think
again because I’d like to talk to somebody about your publications
and what I’ve been seein’ on your…on your newspapers. I
think it’s disgusting; truly I do and think that if you
find yourself thinking you have a sense of humor, you got
it all wrong. I don’t know who told you you did? I will
be callin’ back, my name is Terri and I will be returning
the call back.
Is it really you? Oh man, we’re really sorry. Really, really.
Please don’t do anything supernatural to us, like haunt
us or call back. We’ll be good, we really will. So…how’s
heaven treating you? Any chance we’ll be able to get in?
Nah, who are we kidding?
Okay. My name is Steve. I
want to see the cover of the next Beast with the Rath Building
wrapped in toilet paper, with an "out of order"
sign stuck on the front of it. And then with a little sign
on the corner "please don’t squeeze the taxpayers."
I mean…if you can get away with America’s favorite vegetable,
damnit you ought to be able to get away with this. And that
comes from Steve Trask, thank you very much.
Since we didn’t
think of it, this can’t be a good idea.