Divined By Your Ethereal Guide - Andrew Gullerstein
(March 21 - April 19)
my dear fool, there is really not much I can say about your
most recent achievements in idiocy. It is one thing to watch
those commercials for male body spray and actually believe
that if you use the stuff women will clamor for you. It is
quite another thing to spray half a can of that pungent shit
on your genitals. After all, Aries, the product is called
a "body spray," not a "testicle spray,"
and how many women actually walk up to guys in public and
take a good sniff of their crotch? Not only did you not get
laid, but spent an entire night in the hospital screaming
in pain because your balls had a chemical burn. Listen up,
Aries, if there was a chemical that caused women to lose control
and have sex with any guy who used it, my guess is that it
would cost a lot more than three dollars a can.
(April 20 - May 20)
some men are destined for greatness, while others are destined
to give me a large coffee with cream and a double toasted
bagel with butter every morning. You are the latter, Taurus,
so when I ask for the bagel to be double toasted I expect
it to be so. If I want to eat a soggy half-toasted bagel in
the morning I will be sure to ask for one; otherwise just
do as you're asked, Taurus. One more complaint to the manager
and it's back to the medical testing lab for income and you
know it. So my recommendation is that you do your job, Taurus,
and be sure to do it with a smile.
(May 21 - June 20)
as you are well aware it's that time of year again when you
need to head down to the police station and update your personal
information in the registered sex offenders database. I know
you don't like it, Gemini, because you served your time and
you think it infringes on your rights, but the issue remains
that you are a totally vile scumbag. Since you are a total
scumbag, you will have to stay registered, which you should
consider a gift compared to what I would like to be done with
you, you miserable piece of shit. After taking a pair of vice
grips to your crotch I would insist that you are accompanied
by guys wearing "I'm with rapist" t-shirts with
the arrow always pointing to you. Fuck you Gemini; I hope
they circulate your picture at the block party again this
(June 21 - July 22)
my friend, maybe it is time we talked about your little problem
with sticking sweet potatoes up your ass as part of your kitchen
prep for the dinner rush. Everyone knows that unpleasant things
happen to their food in restaurant kitchens, but ass-marinated
sweet potatoes are way beyond the realm of the acceptable.
Let's also add that all sorts of questions come to mind as
to how easily you fit large tubers up your ass with little
discomfort. I have a feeling there are multiple reasons behind
your problem, Cancer, and that you should probably make your
way to a therapist before you graduate into any of the other
food groups. Until then I will stay at the bar.
(July 23 - August 22)
we need to have a little chat about the farting. It used to
be kind of funny, but as of late it has gotten out of hand.
It just seems that you can't go anywhere without soiling yourself
and not quietly might I add. You wife has installed so many
air purifiers in the house that it has more than doubled your
electric bill, and yet you just go on polluting with reckless
abandon and taking such frightening pleasure in it. Last time
I had you over to hang out we had to repaint living room after
you left, and let us not even get into the chair. Please,
Leo, either speak to the pharmacist about some anti-gas options
or stop eating so much damn Chinese food. If something doesn't
happen soon we may need to conduct an intervention for you
own good, Leo, and don't even try blaming the dog.
(August 23 - September 22)
I think it is time you spent a little less time on the internet
and a little more time outside. This is for your own good
Virgo, and if you could see yourself from an outside perspective
you would probably agree. Lets start with the fact that due
to a lack of exposure to natural light you look like a damn
Albino, and from certain angles your skin is starting to appear
transparent. Next I would like to address the issue of the
rather unpleasant smell that has over taken your apartment.
I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but I am sure that
the department of health has a classification for it. Finally,
there is the incident involving your internet service going
down and you smearing your own feces on the walls in response.
Please Leo, just go for a walk to the store. The internet
will be there when you get back.
(September 23 - October 22)
there Libra, I couldn't help but notice you at the mall last
week sitting outside the lingerie shop, fondling yourself
discreetly under those Banana Republic bags. It was really
funny watching you play with yourself, especially when the
mall security guard asked if you would move because the women
in the store had complained about you. You argued with the
guard about your rights, but your true motivation lay in the
fact that had you stood up you would have been guilty of public
indecency and/or lewd conduct. I really think you need to
stay away from the whole public masturbation thing, Libra,
because you may not be able to hold on to those teaching credentials
if you keep it up.
(October 23 - Nov 21)
if you are going to work in an office full of people, then
you will have to take a shower at least three times a week,
and that is a conservative estimate. I know the hippie ideals
you have gathered from television tell you that bathing is
only an occasional necessity, but social dogma dictates that
no one should have to put up with you smelling like the crotch
of a Sasquatch on a humid summer day. Stop being such a bullshit
hippie asshole Scorpio, and hit the shower. Be sure to use
soap this time, lots of it. Hell, maybe they won't make you
eat lunch outside by the dumpster anymore.
(November 22 - December 21)
are you doing, Sagittarius? I was sitting around recently
talking with some friends about the new Star Wars movie due
out soon, and a stray memory popped into my head that I had
tried to put away. I remember being a child, standing in line
to see Empire Strikes Back, and just as I was about to enter
the theater, you exited an earlier screening, screaming aloud,
"Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father!" I refused
to believe it, but when the climactic moment came in the film
it was ruined. An awesome childhood movie experience ruined
because you are such an incredible asshole, Sagittarius, and
to this day I hate you for it. I don't know why you did it,
outside of the fact you have always been a piece of shit,
but if I ever have the opportunity to pay you back I will,
and in spades. In the meantime get your ass to work; you need
the overtime to pay for your daughter's tuition, or should
I say you best friend's daughter
(December 22 - January 19)
Capricorn, I just wanted you to know that I spoke with Leo
about all the farting and I think he gets the point. Hopefully
you won't have to reupholster your car seats again. Just as
a precaution we should try to avoid any restaurants that serve
Chinese food or tacos when we go out from now on. I know it
sucks, but we need to help him as much as he needs to help
himself and, lets face it, his stench is unearthly. Just ask
yourself how many shirts you've had to throw out because his
farts somehow merged with the fabric. If he doesn't take action
we should probably begin spiking his beverages with Maalox
or something, the same way they used to spike Mr. T's milk
on "The A-Team" in order to get him on the plane.
If anything, at least winter is over and we can keep the windows
down in the car.
(January 20 - February 19)
this is issue three of my wanting to play with those magnificent
boobs of yours. I noticed you were showing them off for me
a little more last week, but that is not enough. I want to
be welcomed as a citizen into the sovereign nation of Tittopia.
I don't even need a full day, just one magnificent hour to
explore your rolling hills and bountiful land of plenty. My
face, your hooters-you know it's a perfect match, like chocolate
and peanut butter. Hell it would be art given life. Some would
say my obsession is unhealthy but that is not true, Aquarius,
I'm just a guy who likes boobs.
(February 20 - March 20)
do you know what I hate? When you have a small piece of dry
skin on your lip that needs to be removed because it is driving
you nuts, and when trying to carefully pull it off you end
up ripping a one and a half inch piece of healthy flesh off
of your lip. Not only does it hurt like hell, but now your
lip in bleeding all because of some rogue piece of dry skin.
It is like some sick cosmic catch-22. You can't leave the
offending dead skin hanging from your lip, and you can't remove
the fucker without tearing a small painful hole in your lip.
On a date night, this situation borders on evil; spend the
night with dry hanging skin lip or open sore lip. The choice
is yours, Romeo. A big pile of bullshit is what it is, Pisces.
Well, I'll catch you later Pisces, I need to go buy some Carmex.