As we all can see, we’re not even talking out of our asses once we review the evidence. Only five of the characteristics are needed to complete this diagnosis, and Cruise meets all nine. This is what makes Tom even more interesting to shrink; he’s so pathological that he represents three of the four subcategories of the Narcissist. This fragrant potpourri of self-importance is comprised of the Amorous, Elitist and Compensatory Narcissists. We will further elaborate when these rear their ugly heads.

In many ways, Tom has had little control over the dick he has become. Of course, in adulthood, every human being is the author of his own health or disease, if we may quote the Buddha, so let’s not let him off the hook.

Tom’s childhood was unstable and inconsistent. He moved from town to town, in fact experiencing 15 schools in 14 years. This was all due to his father’s career working for a General Electric as an engineer, selfishly moving his family’s home more often than Arafat. This unstable environment lead Tom to be left alone a significant portion of the time; he spoke of this in an interview with James Lipton. Ultimately, Cruise’s old man split and left the family up shit’s creek.

Unfortunately for Tom, this left him with issues associated with abandonment and instability. These are both common and core issues which skew one’s perceptions of all things in life: thought patterns, behaviors, interpretation of other’s actions, and particularly relationships. These "core issues" are subtle, significant, rigid and pervasive, but the individual cannot see their ill affects. It is important to remember this about their nature when exploring Tom’s many core issues.

Tom coped with abandonment and instability by becoming very close with his family. This may seem well and good, but it grew to into what’s known as enmeshment. This caused Tom to cross boundaries with his sisters then and with women in later life. Tom has admitted to rushing home after school so his sisters’ friends could "practice" kissing on him. This is likely where Tom learned the self-indulgent high of manipulation for pleasure, helping him learn early on to indulge the emotionally needy for his own hedonistic desires.

In adulthood, he developed the habit of promising intimacy and implying the possibility of an exclusive relationship, then abandoning them just like his father did to him. This helps to numb the pain of his abandonment, pulling the trigger to end the relationship before it can be done to him. Leaving this trail of sexual excesses and intricate lies aids his deeply rooted desire for power over women and notoriety. This may leave women hurt, but allows him to conquer righteous booty such as Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz. This is a fine representation of the Amorous Narcissist we spoke of earlier in its infancy, this can be seen later in his life in his intimate relationships, just where he likes them, in the public spotlight, giving Tom the self-importance and power he longs for.

This enmeshment is also one of several factors which have lead Tom to desperately reach out for the dogma and easy answers provided by the Church of Scientology. When one becomes enmeshed with their family, one loses his identity. He existentially does not know where he begins and ends, and cannot separate himself from other individuals, leaving him floating around, lost, in the universe. This may be Scientology’s best referral source.

Another unfortunate piece of the puzzle can again been seen in its infancy when we take another look at Tom’s adolescence. These are core issues known as social alienation and defectiveness. Constantly moving from place to place and school to school led Tom into his own escapist fantasy. He has spoken of spending hours alone in a fantasy world. True, this cultivated his imagination, but it also alienated him from potential peers, which has perpetuated his narcissism for his entire life. His attempts to form actual friendships outside of his fantasy world were simply too late in life. By the time the family settled, he was 14 and already a freak show. He was rejected by the other cruel children. This just reinforced his core beliefs he was different from everyone else and defective. The pain was unendurable. His attempts at friendship were a sign that his core coping style of avoidance was failing, that he longed for acceptance. Thus began the development of Tom’s second and most public coping style, overcompensation.

We can see this overcompensation blossom in adolescence when he gave every ounce of himself to every sport he could, trying to become the best, seeking the recognition and companionship he so desired. Ultimately it failed; actually his knee failed. He blew it out due to the combination of overexertion and his peculiarly small frame. Tom was left twisting in the wind with his good friend loneliness. Desperate for answers, he decided to attend St Francis Seminary in Cincinnati. This was an elegantly construed piece of coping by his subconscious; it kept him solitary and safe from critical peers and offered the potential of answering the question of his wretched existence. However, seminary left him disillusioned, and he then discovered the stage. He began to dabble in acting. Quickly discovering his escapism could pay off in many unexpected ways, he decided at this point to swap the priesthood for pussy, not to mention much needed attention.

This new style of overcompensating became so successful it manifested another core issue known as unrelenting standards. This is the piece of Tom’s twisted tapestry of dysfunction with which we as the public are most familiar. This is representative of the Compensatory Narcissist we spoke of earlier, the one who seeks to counteract deep feelings of inferiority by creating illusions of superiority and noteworthiness. In fact, this issue is very common to most actors and other prominent figures in business, sports and entertainment. So why would this be a bad thing? Because it leaves the individual chronically empty, never being able to achieve satisfaction. More money, more power, more prestige, more righteous booty, more attention, more cars, more everything still doesn’t satisfy, until you’re left bitter, divorced, alone and running to the Scientologists.

This is the Tom Cruise we as the public are familiar with, and the main element of his psychology that makes him such a dick. The crux of this issue can be explained with simple ego psychology. When Tom is in the public spotlight, he turns to his super-ego, which we will refer to as the "Self-Aggrandizer" for Tom’s case. This ego state allows Tom to become drunk on his own celebrity, thereby ignoring his deep-seated, intractable issues. When you have been running from them your whole life as in Tom’s case, the "Self Aggrandizer" is a welcome friend, like a crack dealer to Bobby Brown. The "Self Aggrandizer" is fueled by fame, admiration, and privilege, and in fact craves them. Without them, Cruise is forced to feel real emotion and connection to his soul, which is simply excruciating. When the illusion fame creates for Tom is challenged, he strikes back furiously, for example threatening The Beast because it made him feel average and not perfect, as he feels he must be perceived. This is also known as the Elitist Narcissist referred to earlier, cultivating special status and advantages due to his pseudo-achievements.

Unfortunately for Cruise, this only provides only a temporary fix, and one that fails him when he is out of the public view and alone with himself and his thoughts. This is when the id comes into play for Tom, leaving him feeling lonely, defective and unsophisticated, and bringing him back to his painful childhood subconsciously. We will refer to this ego state as "Lil’ Tom" for our purposes. This state is painful and difficult for Tom to endure.

One of the advantages to being shamefully wealthy is that there are many distractions to avoid this pain (e.g., fast cars, airplanes and righteous booty). When Tom utilizes these things, he moves himself from the id to the ego, but for him this is a detached, self-soothing ego state. We will refer to this as "The Indulger." Tom spends a lot of time in this state, but utilizing his toys only goes so far. Humans always utilize what is innate; our biology or bodies will inevitably be used some fashion in order to sooth or escape. The bitter truth is that all the ego states inexorably leave Tom empty, doomed to a vicious cycle of ego-state shifts with no relief.

Ultimately, the "Self-Aggrandizer" always wins, the super-ego takes over and Tom feels drunk with celebrity yet again, making appearances, receiving special treatment on the set, nailing leading ladies (confirmed by "Celebrity Justice") and of course using his high priced mega-lawyer to threaten the "little people." This will always be done without conscience, without regard for how these actions will affect anyone but himself.

Sadly, this conceptualization of Tom will likely never change. Tom does not want to admit his lack of substance to himself, let alone the world. Instead, he will strive to project an image of completeness. The paradox is that, to the extent that Tom will succumb to this urge, it will estrange him from his true self and he will remain unreal. Narcissism requires that we keep the truth about ourselves at bay. The inability to tolerate unpleasant truths about ourselves is essential to narcissism.

We hope we have helped Beast readers understand just why Tom is such a dick. A little poor parenting, a dash of dysfunction, a smidgen of biology, a splash of opportunity and a pinch of fate, shake it up and you simply never know what you’re going to get—Einstein, Gandhi, Bush, Stalin or Cruise. Everything exists between our ears, and the answer is right beneath our noses.

When one is deprived of intimate relationships outside of the family at an early age and the familial relationships are enmeshed, one is never able to truly experience emotions that are solely one’s own. If one has never experienced their own emotional connections then one cannot fathom one is hurting another. This is why Tom Cruise is such a dick. As Cruise struggles to read this article, the "Self-Aggrandizer" will take over. He will take care of "Lil’ Tom," but only temporarily. Then he will call his mega-lawyer.

For any mega-lawyers reading this: This article is satire, and for entertainment purposes only. So, please fuck off.