Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 
April 20-May 4, 2005 Issue #73
 As Seen on T.V.
TOP GOON
Hollywood Egomaniac Threatens Beast Over Alleged "Need for Speed"
SPANKING THE DONKEY
On The Campaign Trail with The Democrats
by Matt Taibbi
THE CHURCH OF ACCOUNTABILITY
Primary Challenge Raises Secondary Concerns
by Allan Uthman
THE WORD IS HACK
The Impossible Physics of Thomas Friedman's Brain
by Matt Taibbi
BRIAN HIGGINS IS A TOOL
New Representative Jettisons Principles in Record Time
by Paul Fallon
WHY IS TOM CRUISE SUCH A DICK?
The BEAST Investigates
20 FUNNIEST THINGS ABOUT TELEVANGELIST DON STEWART GOING TO HELL
A Totally Original Idea

by N. Sorrenti
BEAST VIDEO
BEAST Story and Clip on Celebrity Justice

50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE OF 2004

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Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Corner
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Comix
NEW! Angry Voicemails
[SIC] - Your Letters
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Why is Tom Cruise Such a Dick?
The BEAST Investigates

Beast readers may have been asking themselves this very question. So here we present our own painstakingly researched psychoanalysis of Cruise, with an eye to motivations for his dickish behavior.

Name: Thomas Cruise Mapother IV
D.O.B. (location): July 3 1962, Syracuse, New York

Height:
5' 7"

Spouse(s):
Nicole Kidman (December 24, 1990 - Aug 3, 2001) (divorced)
Mimi Rogers (May 9, 1987 - January 1990) (divorced)

Relationship History:
Penelope Cruz, Rebecca DeMornay, Heather Locklear, Cher, Unicorn from Legend, many more


Children (adopted):
Isabella Jane Kidman Cruise and Connor Anthony Kidman Cruise

When considering why one is a dick, one must consider the Bio-Psycho-Social existence of the individual and the resultant rich, complex and muddied waters of personality and psychopathology that makes the man we all know today. Unfortunately, we have not had the pleasure of chatting with Tom Cruise on the couch, and we can only answer this question from the public record and observing this short man in the real world.

We will begin to conceptualize Tomís "dickness" first with a diagnosis utilizing DSM-IV criteria, then explore its roots and manifestations. The DSM-IV contains diagnostic criteria for both psychological and characterlogical disorders. The criteria are given below for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, along with Cruiseís real life evidence for this diagnosis. It should be noted that most of the people in our lives who are dicks meet at least some of these criteria; readers should feel free to use them to ridicule and criticize your close friends and loved ones who are dicks. An additional fun note: this disorder is dismissed as a uniquely American phenomenon by the Europeansí equivalent diagnostic manual, the ICD-10. God Bless America!

DSM IV Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Diagnostic criteria: Mr. Cruiseís criteria:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements 1. Not only expects and receives praise for his crap studio movies like Jerry Maguire and Minority Report, Cruise now averages $20 million per movie and grossed $145 million for the two steaming piles known as Mission: Impossible I and II.
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 2. As reported by himself on "Inside the Actorís Studio," Tomís childhood was filled with social isolation and loneliness that led him into escapist fantasy in order to cope.
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 3. We donít hear too much about Tom coming back to his home town of Syracuse and hanging with his old buddies. Did we mention heís a Scientologist?
4. Requires excessive admiration 4. Do we even have to explain? Just watch Entertainment Tonight, Extra, The Insider, Hard Copy, Inside Edition or any network magazine show, for that matter. Of course, his prototypical hero roles speak to this as well.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 5. Cruise requires interviewers to sign a contract stipulating that "neither Artist nor the Interview will be used or referred to in a derogatory manner."

6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

6. Cruise has recently adopted the practice of "inviting" studio executives on tours of Scientology facilities in L.A., which last several hours. It is abundantly clear that the executives accept these invitations with the understanding that it will facilitate their business dealings with Cruise.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 7. Cruise has threatened shut down the voice of The Beast because we hurt his feelings. The Beast is representative of a needed voice in America amongst homogenized news sources consistently bowing to the oppressors.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 8. In his own words: "I disagree with people who think you learn more from getting beat up than you do from winning"; "When you become successful in any type of life, there are people who are not contributing to the motion;" "I didnít become an actor to have power, but it just happens that I have it and so I have a lot of opportunities."
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes 9. In his own words: "I disagree with people who think you learn more from getting beat up than you do from winning"; "When you become successful in any type of life, there are people who are not contributing to the motion;" "I didnít become an actor to have power, but it just happens that I have it and so I have a lot of opportunities."

As we all can see, weíre not even talking out of our asses once we review the evidence. Only five of the characteristics are needed to complete this diagnosis, and Cruise meets all nine. This is what makes Tom even more interesting to shrink; heís so pathological that he represents three of the four subcategories of the Narcissist. This fragrant potpourri of self-importance is comprised of the Amorous, Elitist and Compensatory Narcissists. We will further elaborate when these rear their ugly heads.

In many ways, Tom has had little control over the dick he has become. Of course, in adulthood, every human being is the author of his own health or disease, if we may quote the Buddha, so letís not let him off the hook.

Tomís childhood was unstable and inconsistent. He moved from town to town, in fact experiencing 15 schools in 14 years. This was all due to his fatherís career working for a General Electric as an engineer, selfishly moving his familyís home more often than Arafat. This unstable environment lead Tom to be left alone a significant portion of the time; he spoke of this in an interview with James Lipton. Ultimately, Cruiseís old man split and left the family up shitís creek.

Unfortunately for Tom, this left him with issues associated with abandonment and instability. These are both common and core issues which skew oneís perceptions of all things in life: thought patterns, behaviors, interpretation of otherís actions, and particularly relationships. These "core issues" are subtle, significant, rigid and pervasive, but the individual cannot see their ill affects. It is important to remember this about their nature when exploring Tomís many core issues.

Tom coped with abandonment and instability by becoming very close with his family. This may seem well and good, but it grew to into whatís known as enmeshment. This caused Tom to cross boundaries with his sisters then and with women in later life. Tom has admitted to rushing home after school so his sistersí friends could "practice" kissing on him. This is likely where Tom learned the self-indulgent high of manipulation for pleasure, helping him learn early on to indulge the emotionally needy for his own hedonistic desires.

In adulthood, he developed the habit of promising intimacy and implying the possibility of an exclusive relationship, then abandoning them just like his father did to him. This helps to numb the pain of his abandonment, pulling the trigger to end the relationship before it can be done to him. Leaving this trail of sexual excesses and intricate lies aids his deeply rooted desire for power over women and notoriety. This may leave women hurt, but allows him to conquer righteous booty such as Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz. This is a fine representation of the Amorous Narcissist we spoke of earlier in its infancy, this can be seen later in his life in his intimate relationships, just where he likes them, in the public spotlight, giving Tom the self-importance and power he longs for.

This enmeshment is also one of several factors which have lead Tom to desperately reach out for the dogma and easy answers provided by the Church of Scientology. When one becomes enmeshed with their family, one loses his identity. He existentially does not know where he begins and ends, and cannot separate himself from other individuals, leaving him floating around, lost, in the universe. This may be Scientologyís best referral source.

Another unfortunate piece of the puzzle can again been seen in its infancy when we take another look at Tomís adolescence. These are core issues known as social alienation and defectiveness. Constantly moving from place to place and school to school led Tom into his own escapist fantasy. He has spoken of spending hours alone in a fantasy world. True, this cultivated his imagination, but it also alienated him from potential peers, which has perpetuated his narcissism for his entire life. His attempts to form actual friendships outside of his fantasy world were simply too late in life. By the time the family settled, he was 14 and already a freak show. He was rejected by the other cruel children. This just reinforced his core beliefs he was different from everyone else and defective. The pain was unendurable. His attempts at friendship were a sign that his core coping style of avoidance was failing, that he longed for acceptance. Thus began the development of Tomís second and most public coping style, overcompensation.

We can see this overcompensation blossom in adolescence when he gave every ounce of himself to every sport he could, trying to become the best, seeking the recognition and companionship he so desired. Ultimately it failed; actually his knee failed. He blew it out due to the combination of overexertion and his peculiarly small frame. Tom was left twisting in the wind with his good friend loneliness. Desperate for answers, he decided to attend St Francis Seminary in Cincinnati. This was an elegantly construed piece of coping by his subconscious; it kept him solitary and safe from critical peers and offered the potential of answering the question of his wretched existence. However, seminary left him disillusioned, and he then discovered the stage. He began to dabble in acting. Quickly discovering his escapism could pay off in many unexpected ways, he decided at this point to swap the priesthood for pussy, not to mention much needed attention.

This new style of overcompensating became so successful it manifested another core issue known as unrelenting standards. This is the piece of Tomís twisted tapestry of dysfunction with which we as the public are most familiar. This is representative of the Compensatory Narcissist we spoke of earlier, the one who seeks to counteract deep feelings of inferiority by creating illusions of superiority and noteworthiness. In fact, this issue is very common to most actors and other prominent figures in business, sports and entertainment. So why would this be a bad thing? Because it leaves the individual chronically empty, never being able to achieve satisfaction. More money, more power, more prestige, more righteous booty, more attention, more cars, more everything still doesnít satisfy, until youíre left bitter, divorced, alone and running to the Scientologists.

This is the Tom Cruise we as the public are familiar with, and the main element of his psychology that makes him such a dick. The crux of this issue can be explained with simple ego psychology. When Tom is in the public spotlight, he turns to his super-ego, which we will refer to as the "Self-Aggrandizer" for Tomís case. This ego state allows Tom to become drunk on his own celebrity, thereby ignoring his deep-seated, intractable issues. When you have been running from them your whole life as in Tomís case, the "Self Aggrandizer" is a welcome friend, like a crack dealer to Bobby Brown. The "Self Aggrandizer" is fueled by fame, admiration, and privilege, and in fact craves them. Without them, Cruise is forced to feel real emotion and connection to his soul, which is simply excruciating. When the illusion fame creates for Tom is challenged, he strikes back furiously, for example threatening The Beast because it made him feel average and not perfect, as he feels he must be perceived. This is also known as the Elitist Narcissist referred to earlier, cultivating special status and advantages due to his pseudo-achievements.

Unfortunately for Cruise, this only provides only a temporary fix, and one that fails him when he is out of the public view and alone with himself and his thoughts. This is when the id comes into play for Tom, leaving him feeling lonely, defective and unsophisticated, and bringing him back to his painful childhood subconsciously. We will refer to this ego state as "Lilí Tom" for our purposes. This state is painful and difficult for Tom to endure.

One of the advantages to being shamefully wealthy is that there are many distractions to avoid this pain (e.g., fast cars, airplanes and righteous booty). When Tom utilizes these things, he moves himself from the id to the ego, but for him this is a detached, self-soothing ego state. We will refer to this as "The Indulger." Tom spends a lot of time in this state, but utilizing his toys only goes so far. Humans always utilize what is innate; our biology or bodies will inevitably be used some fashion in order to sooth or escape. The bitter truth is that all the ego states inexorably leave Tom empty, doomed to a vicious cycle of ego-state shifts with no relief.

Ultimately, the "Self-Aggrandizer" always wins, the super-ego takes over and Tom feels drunk with celebrity yet again, making appearances, receiving special treatment on the set, nailing leading ladies (confirmed by "Celebrity Justice") and of course using his high priced mega-lawyer to threaten the "little people." This will always be done without conscience, without regard for how these actions will affect anyone but himself.

Sadly, this conceptualization of Tom will likely never change. Tom does not want to admit his lack of substance to himself, let alone the world. Instead, he will strive to project an image of completeness. The paradox is that, to the extent that Tom will succumb to this urge, it will estrange him from his true self and he will remain unreal. Narcissism requires that we keep the truth about ourselves at bay. The inability to tolerate unpleasant truths about ourselves is essential to narcissism.

We hope we have helped Beast readers understand just why Tom is such a dick. A little poor parenting, a dash of dysfunction, a smidgen of biology, a splash of opportunity and a pinch of fate, shake it up and you simply never know what youíre going to getóEinstein, Gandhi, Bush, Stalin or Cruise. Everything exists between our ears, and the answer is right beneath our noses.

When one is deprived of intimate relationships outside of the family at an early age and the familial relationships are enmeshed, one is never able to truly experience emotions that are solely oneís own. If one has never experienced their own emotional connections then one cannot fathom one is hurting another. This is why Tom Cruise is such a dick. As Cruise struggles to read this article, the "Self-Aggrandizer" will take over. He will take care of "Lilí Tom," but only temporarily. Then he will call his mega-lawyer.


For any mega-lawyers reading this: This article is satire, and for entertainment purposes only. So, please fuck off.

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