Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 
April 20-May 4, 2005 Issue #73
 As Seen on T.V.
TOP GOON
Hollywood Egomaniac Threatens Beast Over Alleged "Need for Speed"
SPANKING THE DONKEY
On The Campaign Trail with The Democrats
by Matt Taibbi
THE CHURCH OF ACCOUNTABILITY
Primary Challenge Raises Secondary Concerns
by Allan Uthman
THE WORD IS HACK
The Impossible Physics of Thomas Friedman's Brain
by Matt Taibbi
BRIAN HIGGINS IS A TOOL
New Representative Jettisons Principles in Record Time
by Paul Fallon
WHY IS TOM CRUISE SUCH A DICK?
The BEAST Investigates
20 FUNNIEST THINGS ABOUT TELEVANGELIST DON STEWART GOING TO HELL
A Totally Original Idea

by N. Sorrenti
BEAST VIDEO
BEAST Story and Clip on Celebrity Justice

50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE OF 2004

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ISSUE#73 PDF FILE
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Corner
Audio Files
Comix
NEW! Angry Voicemails
[SIC] - Your Letters
Advertiser Index
 
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The 20 Funniest Things About Televangelist Don Stewart Going to Hell
A Totally Original Idea By N Sorrenti

20. When Don Stewart gets to hell, he will have to spend the first 1000 years rubbing Icy-Hot into Biggie Smalls’ sack.

19. Not really believing in hell, when Don Stewart gets there, he’ll think he’s in balmy Naples FL, until an imp whips him across the back with an extension cord.

18. One day, while shoveling coal, Don Stewart will make an ill-timed Death Wish 2 reference within earshot of Charles Bronson, and will rue that day for all eternity.

17. When Don Stewart goes to bed in Hell, he will have to use a jagged red crystal for a pillow.

16. Someone, someday will drive by Don Stewart’s grave and throw a green prosperity cloth on it.

15. In Hell, Don Stewart will Riverdance on hot coals for a gob of used chaw, which he will not subsequently receive.

14. In Hell, the Devil will give Don Stewart the nickname "The Girl Who Teaches Herself," and it will stick.

13. When Don Stewart arrives in Hell, he will take a drink from a water fountain, and breast milk from a gorilla will come out.

12. Unable to find pomade in Hell, Don Stewart will have to start spiking his hair with Timothy McVeigh’s saliva.

11. Don Stewart will find a door marked ‘Exit’ in Hell, but when he goes through it he will find himself in a hotter, much more terrifying Hell.

10. Don Stewart will roll up the rim of his coffee and win a jean jacket, but will never be able to cash it in because there are no stamps in Hell.

9. Don Stewart will trade John Gotti ten years of loyalty for a stamp, and order his jean jacket. But when it arrives, Gotti will take it for himself and demand that Stewart kiss the decayed knuckle where his ring used to be.

8. In Hell, Don Stewart will have to spend his second 1000 years listening to the theme music from "Perfect Strangers" while a devil that looks just like Balki Bartokomous stabs him in the neck with a stalagmite.

7. In Hell, Don Stewart will be given the position of ‘Lesser Shoveling Minion", with a starting salary of forty beatings per hour.

6. In the cafeteria, kitchen demons will spit in Don Stewart’s bowl of rocks.

5. Don Stewart will walk too close to the lake of fire, and his Fantastic Sam’s punch card will burn up.

4. One day, during his bi-hourly scalding, Don Stewart will find a Faith, Health and Prosperity Miracle Bracelet in his pocket and will realize momentarily what a rat fuck heathen bastard prick he is for conniving people into thinking he could heal them with costume jewelry.

3. Once in Hell, the horse that crippled Christopher Reeves will steal Don Stewart’s identity, and run up massive online gambling debts, destroying his credit score and dreams of boat ownership.

2. Don Stewart will have to carry Yasser Arafat around on his back as he searches the plains of Hell for bladder medicine, which, of course, he will never find.

1. In Hell, Don Stewart will quickly learn the importance of joining a gang for protection, but fearing the initiatory ‘Beat in’, he will be forced to join with a troop of carnival chimps put to sleep for mauling visitors. The chimps will consistently beat him at Scrabble.

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