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Hollywood Egomaniac Threatens Beast Over Alleged "Need for Speed"
SPANKING THE DONKEY
On The Campaign Trail with The Democrats
by Matt Taibbi
THE CHURCH OF ACCOUNTABILITY
Primary Challenge Raises Secondary Concerns
by Allan Uthman
THE WORD IS HACK
The Impossible Physics of Thomas Friedman's Brain
by Matt Taibbi
BRIAN HIGGINS IS A TOOL
New Representative Jettisons Principles in Record Time
by Paul Fallon
WHY IS TOM CRUISE SUCH A DICK?
The BEAST Investigates
20 FUNNIEST THINGS ABOUT TELEVANGELIST DON STEWART GOING TO HELL
A Totally Original Idea

by N. Sorrenti
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"Use the Force Tom - Use the Force!"
 
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THE BEAST PAGE 3

Human Dildo

Name: Bertram Fields, AKA "mega lawyer to the stars"

Turn-ons: Michael Jackson, head licking, Johnnie Cochran's rotting corpse, comparing the plight of Scientologists to the Holocaust, pseudonyms, writing trashy sex novels with thinly veiled autobiographical lead characters, defending dead murdering hunchbacks, the Earl of Oxford, empty threats of litigation and sucking money from the asses of celebrities

Turn-offs: Michael Eisner, enlarged prostates, small independent newspapers from Buffalo, when my wife clutters our Malibu estate with junk from ebay, William Shakespeare, The first amendment and being the Beast page 3 human dildo

How I Became The Beast Page 3 Human Dildo: Well, it's pretty obvious these little smart-asses are trying to bait me.

Future Plans: I see myself being a greedy, power drunk bitch until my frail, decrepit body fails and I go straight to hell, where I can fulfill my life long dream of representing Satan (in person). I also plan to earn a ridiculous amount of money in a hopeless series of lawsuits against the obviously satirical Beast, despite the fact that they clearly have no money, and any attempt to collect damages would be futile.

How I'd Like to be Remembered: Not just as the author of historical revisionist tripe widely disregarded by mainstream scholarship or the pseudonymous author of jerk-off novels that sell for 50¢ on the internet, but as the bestest mega-lawyer ever, who will stop at nothing to protect my insecure clients from the opinions of others.

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