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ALL THE RIGHT CRUISE
Oh my god! I just saw you dildos
on Celebrity Justice because of Tom Cruise! You looked very
proud of yourselves saying that he is just a terrible actor,
and that is why you wrote what you did. But now you are being
sued and have brought more shame to Buffalo on a national
level. Oh well, you haven't done any worse than our government
has.
Keep up the good work,
Adrienne
Adrienne,
We resent your libelous characterization
of us as "dildos." We are not dildos; we are authentic,
genuine dicks.
MINORITY RETORT
Paul,
Hey there, I was just watching
the news about what is going on with Tom Cruise and I thought
"now who would say something so bad about Tom, who is a good
actor and hey lets face it, he is damn good looking on top
of that". Then I seen a clip with you and your sidekick Allan
Uthman and that just said it all. It was pretty obvious that
you are extremely JEALOUS of Tom because you are not so good
looking your self. You should be embarrassed of your actions.
That's okay though, just remember what goes around comes around
and you have a great day sir.
bye bye,
Tom Cruise Fan
Dear Simpleton,
You are right; what goes around
comes around. That is why you should be expecting a letter
from someone who thought, "now who could be so stupid
to think the Beast would be jealous of a midget scientologist.
Then I read the letter by that Tom Cruise Fan and that just
said it all. It was pretty obvious that this guy is extremely
HORNY for Tom Cruise." You should be embarrassed by your
amateur attempts at psychoanalysis.
COCK TALE
Paul, Allan, and Ian
About to turn in for the night
I flipped HBO... I see a familiar blood red logo, the BEAST!
WAIT THIS IS HBO, not WIVB (Ch 4). I saw Paul sticking it
to Tom Cruise, Ian looking cool, and Al saying the whole point
of a paper is to say whatever you want. I was blown away!
They showed the site, they showed the guy who wrote that angry
letter on Tom Cruise' behalf. That guy was whack he was all
like, "Those people have no business being in business and
maybe we'll put them out of business!" Cry baby!
That was great! FIGHT THE POWER!
I hope this really brings you more success with the region.
I don't remember seeing ARTVOICE on HBO anytime in memory.
Glad to see you guys keep getting
better. Dr. Rotten Rules
I just couldn't believe it! It
was surreal. First Baby Joe fights on HBO and now you guys.
Maybe the upcoming issue will show a Jon Rigas being anally
raped by Ted Turner as Adelphia has been bought by Time Warner.
Or show "porn" in some way coming into Adelphia's doors big
time.
--Noah
Noah,
What are you, Meshugana? We
don’t mean to kvetch, but we haven’t been on HBO since the
first season of "America Undercover, Hookers at the Point."
We just had to get out the game. Vielen dank and enjoy your
Passover.
GAYS OF THUNDER
Congratulations on naming Tom
'The ScientologyShill' Cruise as one of your most loathsome
people.
I have had a website since 1997
at http://www.scientology-kills.org
You are, of course, aware of
his recent loathsome act of sending plaques to journalists
of 'The Scientology Code' and notes saying he'd made a donation
in their name to a Scientology group?
...well, a group of friends and
I have been gathering money and are planning to donate in
Cruise's name to the International Cultic Studies Association
(formerly known as the AFF), a group which holds seminars
and distributes info on cults. I estimate we'll have about
$1000 by April 15th, the cutoff date. We're also sending Cruise
a certificate with '7 Marks of a Cult' on it--which we realize
there's little chance he'll ever see.
HOWEVER--it might register in
his itty bitty brain if a wonderful and highly regarded newspaper
such as yours (*ahem*) mentioned it. In a fairly prominent
place. In large type, maybe. And maybe his stupid, gorilla
lawyer will write and threaten you again--or better--ME!
I haven't been threatened by
the cult in, oh....several days.
Thank you for your time,
Valerie Emanuel
Valerie,
You’re a Christian. Just because
your cult is bigger, it doesn’t make it any better.
I’S WIDE BUTT
This guy Cruise's sphincter seems
to be unnaturally contracted a little too tightly. That must
not be very comfortable for him. Just concerned.
Grasse
Grasse,
We have been advised by our
legal counsel not to address the topic of Cruise’s sphincter
and draw no comparisons of said sphincter to that of a snare
drum, sink hole, glove caddy, hand warmer or Bert Fields’
mouth. In other words: No comment.
THE COLOR OF MONKEY
I do not want to even call you
gentlemen: I know your game, so this email is not to censor
you, its to bring you back to a time when ethics did not have
to be legislated.
Your idea of a free press is
self-serving and down right boorish. There are more troubling
things going on in your country than ever before, and all
you can do is to make money from inventing bogus stories about
celebrities? Such a sorry state of affairs for a country that
led the world in fair-play and champion the underdog, only
a few short years ago.
Since 911, the mood of the American
People has degenerated into a cesspool of unfathomable proportions.
I, as a Canadian, wish and pray that your Government keep
its paranoid, overbearing, and unrelenting brainwashing to
itself.
Instead of tearing people down,
by maligning celebrities who have made it, unlike your group
who is trying to succeed through sophomoric and unimaginative
tactics. Instead, you might turn your juvenile antics to those
who, in YOUR country, are successfully taking your freedom
away from you. Remember the Founding Fathers of your nation,
I dare say they are rolling around in their graves at the
thought of how the freedom that they fought for, is being
so disregarded, disresptected and frittered away. Not to mention
the thousands and thousands of your brave soldiers who also
died for your freedom. A freedom that you now, quite cavalierly,
thumb your nose at by making up trash and presenting it as
if it's either entertainment or, even worst, as news.
Enough said, but what's next
- will we see any of your so called journalist defecating
in the streets??? (oh, I hope I haven't given you any ideas?)
A. Morse
Dear Canadian,
Hmm, defecating in the streets
you say? Makes more sense than 53 wealthy slave owners rolling
around in their graves because of the decay of freedom. Your
letter is clear example of what can happen during an NHL lockout,
when many Canadians are forced, for the first time, to think.
P.S. What happened to Alex
Trebek’s mustache?
BRAIN MAN
I recently read an article from
a news source talking about how Tom Cruise was pissed off
at this newspaper called "The Beast" for talking
some smack about him. The article included some blurbs from
what you wrote. They were so cleaver and funny I knew I had
to get my hands on this paper write away! Fabulous! Keep up
the good work.
Sara Adams
P.S. I hate how that vein in
the middle of Tom Cruise’s forehead always looks like its
about to explode.
Sara,
The explosive forehead vein
is the telltale sign of an Operating Thetan level VI.
JERKY MAGUIRE
Dear 'Editor-in-Chief',
I was going to write you a lengthy
e-mail criticizing you, but your inconsequential paper and
Hunter Thompson wannabe staff aren't worth it. Trust me, you're
safely ignored by any serious thinker.
-Werthkant
Dear Werthkant,
Why, do you know any?
MISSION: IMPROBABLE
Heyyy, heh heh. How you guys
doin? Are you really in trouble w/that Tom Cruise thing? I
was just thinking "Jesus Christ, I hope that wasn't my fault.."
I work as background and extra for tv shows and stuff, and
I'm at all the major studios like every week. My buddy sends
me all the Beasts from back home, and since we mostly sit
in holding all day I always bring a Beast and read the fucker
cover to cover. I usually end up leaving them there or people
read them and love em', so they take them when I'm done. I
hope like...y'know, someone gave one to Tom somehow. I know
one could have ended up at War of the Worlds cause I did a
show the one day a few months ago, and there was a big call
for WOTW the next day and this geeky fella took my one copy
of the Beast, I don't know if it had that article in it or
anything. Did they say how he came across the article, was
it online? And Jesus Christ, what are the fucking odds of
Tom Cruise actually seeing that. Anyway, that's some major
exposure for you guys, that's awesome it's fucking national
news! Who says Buffalo only makes the news for negative publi-
oh wait. At least it's not about the goddamn snow. (Depending
on what kind of snow you're talking about,that is) Well, fuck
him if he can't take a joke. I highly doubt they're gonna
waste any time suing you, what will they get a fucking computer
and a toaster? I dont' know. If he or his lawyer call, just
keep yelling "teeeccchhhh suporrrrrrtt!!" into the phone.
-Luke Allein
Luke,
While it would make a charming
story, we highly doubt the dyslexic, humorless Cruise would
bother picking up a newspaper or magazine that didn’t feature
his smug, fist-attracting face on the cover. Now this issue,
on the other hand…we’ll send you twenty if you can get them
anywhere near him.
FAR AND A GAY
Sirs:
I read in amazement and pure
joy the furious messages bemoaning the "drowned kitty gag"
in your most recent "The Beast Angry Voicemail Compendium",
and I thought, " who could possibly be that stupid ? " ....when
I immediately thereafter came upon the answer in this AP story
( below ) from Wisconsin...Life imitating art, ( and I use
the terms very loosely in both contexts ) ... ah, this ought
to really piss 'em off. Yours, Neil Garvey
Dear Neil,
How dumb do you think we are?
The story you sent along with your email, "Wisconsin
Considers Legalizing Cat Hunting," can’t possibly be
true, and is an offensive smear against the good people of
Wisconsin. The very idea that Wisconsinites are the kind of
illiterate white trash who think of shooting cats as a form
of recreation is offensive and wrong. Who do you think you
are, Mr. Garvey, to make such jokes? Really; if that were
true, then we would hope that the entire state was snuffed
out by a freak airborne cheese bacteria.
VANILLA GUY
this is the worst rag i've ever
read. you people insult everyone.i'll never read it again
DangerZoneComics
Dear Moron,
Here’s an idea: eat shit!
FAGNOLIA
I think the publisher is a negative
influence in the media. Paul "the pansy" Fallon, did you not
get enough attention as a child? Your judgment is poor, Tom
Cruise is an exceptional actor "Jerry McGuire" and "Collateral"
suggest that he has the skill, effort, and depth to be successful.
What do you mean he is a pretty boy type? He is cool, has
integrity and honour, kindness, and is dedicated to his family.
Pansy Fallon you red-necked pencil-pushing faggot, get a life
and direct your attention seeking pansy-ass journalistic trash
to something postive. You are among the lowest form of human
sludge on this planet. Your a waste of space; please consider
my suggestion and get out of eveybodies life you pesky mosquito.
Later Pansy Fallon
Alisdair Gordon
Alisdair,
"Red-necked pencil-pushing
faggot?" Your epithets just don’t jive, buddy. To how
many people out there could this description actually apply?
Certainly not to almighty publisher Paul Fallon, who will
be suing you for libel as soon as he reads these patently
false and malicious allegations about his sexual orientation
and species.
CRUISIN’ IT
hey guys,
I know that the suburbs suck
but the #1 worst thing about buffalo is that fat fucking white
haired priss weather man on channel 2, Kevin Oconnel. That
piece of shit not only is merely a moronic talking head on
TV that has no idea whatsoever about what he reads off the
prompter but he once cut me off in traffic and while passing
me in his luxery car flicked me off with his pinky finger
up as well to show off his gawdy ass gold ring. I swear if
i ever see him again its gonna be game on. Die Fruitcake.
Nick
Nick,
Be fairly warned: Kevin O’Connel,
Buffalo’s least orange local newsman, wields the awesome power
of Doppler 2000 and can only be killed during a lunar eclipse
with a magic elixir concocted by Irv Weinstein. Your journey
to find Weinstein will be fraught with danger, for O’Connel’s
spies lurk in every shadow and low-pressure system. Once acquired,
the elixir must be disguised as corned beef and cabbage. There
is only one mortal who can do this: Mr. Food. Legend has it
Mr. Food will perform the task in exchange for a lap dance
and 10 lbs of chitlins. Godspeed, brave soul.
ENDLESS LOATHE
Dear Beast,
You are a poor excuse for a newspaper
if you don't include me in that list of yours. I meat- (yes
pun intended) all the credentials of a loathsome person and
I by far and wide have Cruise beat for a top fifty spot. Let's
start by saying that I live with my mother in South Buffalo,
I am forty years old and work night time security. I haven't
had a date in about 10 years and the last one I went on was
with a girl in drag who called herself Layla, it was okay
though because she tied me up put a hood on me and had me
fetch bones for her like her little doggy. I dumped her however
because she didn't want to take it further so she ended up
screwing me over and decided to bust up the good deal I had
going on over at the all-girls catholic high school where
I was a gym teacher, online degrees do pay sometimes. Those
were my hey days of having the senior class of 18 year olds
do push ups and climb the rope....mmmm...DAMN LAYLA! Anyway,
after cub scouts shut me down for a job as scout leader and
I got arrested for public drunkenness in a santa outfit at
Rick's Talley Ho, I decided I would grow out my mustache grease
my hair into a slick wear thick rimmed glasses and take the
subway to my job each night. On weekends I sit with my radio
headset at Bisons games in the upper levels. By now I am used
to the mothers grabbing their kids and guiding them away from
me. And Chippewa is my favorite place to hang out, the Sorority
girls tend to yell jeers at me but the humiliation is a turn
on, get more of it there than I ever did Friday nights at
the Continental.
Well I guess by now you realize
you missed your opportunity at including me on your list.
Oh but I am not done yet! Yah you think I am the quiet guy
down the street who keeps to himself, but I got more things
to philosphize about, I spent my life doing it which is why
I am unmarried, maladjusted and running around naked in front
of webcams for innocent girls in the Phillipines when most
men my age have a career and family.
Gary
Dear Gary,
Please do not acquire a family.
TOP BUM
Gabe Armstrong for Mayor. No,
wait. Hopefully we won't have a Mayor soon. Gabe Armstrong
for County Manager, or whatever the hell we decide to call
it. His article is the best compilation of (1) what is wrong
with this city, and (2) what we should do about it, that I
have seen in a long time. Most of it is a no-brainer, but
we're stuck with a bunch no-brains in power.
I love Buffalo, and I love reading
Buffalo Beast. Thanks for publishing it. Keep it up.
Matt
Gabe,
If you want to run for mayor,
we’ll totally back you.
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