Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

May 4-May 18, 2005

Issue #74

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend
SHILL YOUR TELEVISION
Musn't-See TV
SUPER WHORES
Democrats Sucking for America
by Matt Taibbi
VOTE DEPRECIATION
The Falling Value of Domocracy
by Russ Wellen
TAKE ME OUT TO THE CLEANERS
Stadiums & Phony Capitalism
by Matt Taibbi
CON & PRO
Spirited Debate on the Filibuster

USA TOMORROW: 2125
Tomorrow's News Today!

by Ian Murphy

HIPPIE SWITCHES TO ORGANIC ROLLING PAPERS
For Earth Day

RSS FEED
ISSUE#74 PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner
Cruise Korner NEW!
Clasifieds & BeastWord
[SIC] - Your Letters
BEAST BLOG NEW!

Last Issue: (73)
Attack of Tom Cruise

BEAST ARCHIVES
BEAST LINKS
BEAST SUBSCRIPTIONS
BEASTLY MERCHANDISE
• A picture of humility, Lord Almighty arrives to pick you up in a simple mule-drawn cart, loaded high with every manner of curiosity. As you climb in, you notice that a satchel of blue powder has spilled across the seat. Even as the thought of sweeping it off forms in your brain, you are seized by a horrible vision of the universe collapsing upon itself, and Lord Almighty warns you that even his Crystal Lite drink powders contain grave and mysterious prophecy.   • Fear sweeps over you as you watch the robotic Coulier amble up your driveway. You wonder if it has seen you yet, and decide to quietly shut the door and hide. But as you try, a thunderous monotone voice commands that you "Cut-it-out…Cut-it-out." You have only seconds to get clear of the door before the robotic Coulier sears it out of the frame with deadly eye lasers, showering you with burning debris and white hot door screws.
• On the way to Perkins, you ask Lord Almighty if there are any pets in Heaven. He says that while there are no pets, he does allow a herd of formerly demon possessed swine, a cat which has been taught to flush the toilet and a wildebeast named Bill Meteros, who was somehow involved in stymieing the Nazis during their Operation Barbarossa invasion.   • Robotic Coulier promises you a date filled with "Algorithmic vectors and matrices, linear inequalities, aggregate methods, computationally complex statistical physics and puppet shows with a felt woodchuck." He says that he is programmed to mimic Dave Coulier's well known mannerisms and sub-personalities, including the much beloved Joey Gladstone.
• After dinner, Lord Almighty takes you to a bar to play a game, which you subsequently beat him at. At that instant, he erases all thoughts and traces of that game from the earth, so it is though it had never even existed. He then orders a Tom Collins with no ice, and asks you if you think anyone has noticed that the new Pope is actually former Bills coach Wade Phillips.   • You ask the robotic Coulier what would happen if he were to ever meet the real flesh and blood Coulier. He insists that he is the real Coulier, and that the flesh Coulier is nothing more than the collective wishful thinking of your mentally inferior human society, who, failing to recognize the humor in their own meaninglessness, must hang on the annals of a scripted buffoon for solace.
• During the ride home, Lord Almighty says he would love to give you a hug, but every time he lifts his arms above his waist a baby gets cancer and a rich bastard wins the lottery. Suddenly, the mule which had been pulling the cart begins speaking Hebrew, and Lord says that there is a Bible lying somewhere with a dog-eared page, and that someone will have to suffer, "Even to the tenth generation!"   • On the way home, Robotic Coulier produces a mix tape, which he say he has made especially for you. He plays the tape for you by jamming it into a slot in his forehead. But it only consists of an out-of-sequence selection of tracks from Dave Coulier's "Weaver Beaver" CD, Songs in the Key of Beaver, interspersed with snippets of dialogue from "Full House" and a series of messages in the form of binary static, which the robot assures you "come straight from my central processing unit."
• The Lord drops you off and thanks you for a pleasant evening, giving you the sensation of a spectacular kiss without actually moving. When you get inside, you find a brand new Sony Playstation 3, which the Lord has stolen from a Wal-Mart in the year 2007. On it is a goatskin parchment, on which is inscribed in ancient calligraphy: "Had a great time. G." You dislike video games, so you sell the game on Ebay for several million dollars, for which you are eventually sent to hell.   • After some hours of speaking to the robotic Coulier in the driveway, you feign a yawn and insist that you have to get some sleep. As you turn to go, you feel the robot's vice-like grip close about your wrist as the delicate bones begin to snap. You beg Coulier-bot to turn you free, but he says you must first teach him "to compute that which humans call love."
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