A picture of humility, Lord Almighty arrives to pick
you up in a simple mule-drawn cart, loaded high with
every manner of curiosity. As you climb in, you notice
that a satchel of blue powder has spilled across the
seat. Even as the thought of sweeping it off forms in
your brain, you are seized by a horrible vision of the
universe collapsing upon itself, and Lord Almighty warns
you that even his Crystal Lite drink powders contain
grave and mysterious prophecy.
Fear sweeps over you as you watch the robotic Coulier
amble up your driveway. You wonder if it has seen you
yet, and decide to quietly shut the door and hide. But
as you try, a thunderous monotone voice commands that
Cut-it-out." You have
only seconds to get clear of the door before the robotic
Coulier sears it out of the frame with deadly eye lasers,
showering you with burning debris and white hot door
On the way to Perkins, you ask Lord Almighty if there
are any pets in Heaven. He says that while there are
no pets, he does allow a herd of formerly demon possessed
swine, a cat which has been taught to flush the toilet
and a wildebeast named Bill Meteros, who was somehow
involved in stymieing the Nazis during their Operation
Robotic Coulier promises you a date filled with "Algorithmic
vectors and matrices, linear inequalities, aggregate
methods, computationally complex statistical physics
and puppet shows with a felt woodchuck." He says
that he is programmed to mimic Dave Coulier's well known
mannerisms and sub-personalities, including the much
beloved Joey Gladstone.
After dinner, Lord Almighty takes you to a bar to play
a game, which you subsequently beat him at. At that
instant, he erases all thoughts and traces of that game
from the earth, so it is though it had never even existed.
He then orders a Tom Collins with no ice, and asks you
if you think anyone has noticed that the new Pope is
actually former Bills coach Wade Phillips.
You ask the robotic Coulier what would happen if he
were to ever meet the real flesh and blood Coulier.
He insists that he is the real Coulier, and that the
flesh Coulier is nothing more than the collective wishful
thinking of your mentally inferior human society, who,
failing to recognize the humor in their own meaninglessness,
must hang on the annals of a scripted buffoon for solace.
During the ride home, Lord Almighty says he would love
to give you a hug, but every time he lifts his arms
above his waist a baby gets cancer and a rich bastard
wins the lottery. Suddenly, the mule which had been
pulling the cart begins speaking Hebrew, and Lord says
that there is a Bible lying somewhere with a dog-eared
page, and that someone will have to suffer, "Even
to the tenth generation!"
On the way home, Robotic Coulier produces a mix tape,
which he say he has made especially for you. He plays
the tape for you by jamming it into a slot in his forehead.
But it only consists of an out-of-sequence selection
of tracks from Dave Coulier's "Weaver Beaver"
CD, Songs in the Key of Beaver, interspersed with snippets
of dialogue from "Full House" and a series
of messages in the form of binary static, which the
robot assures you "come straight from my central
The Lord drops you off and thanks you for a pleasant
evening, giving you the sensation of a spectacular kiss
without actually moving. When you get inside, you find
a brand new Sony Playstation 3, which the Lord has stolen
from a Wal-Mart in the year 2007. On it is a goatskin
parchment, on which is inscribed in ancient calligraphy:
"Had a great time. G." You dislike video games,
so you sell the game on Ebay for several million dollars,
for which you are eventually sent to hell.
After some hours of speaking to the robotic Coulier
in the driveway, you feign a yawn and insist that you
have to get some sleep. As you turn to go, you feel
the robot's vice-like grip close about your wrist as
the delicate bones begin to snap. You beg Coulier-bot
to turn you free, but he says you must first teach him
"to compute that which humans call love."