Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

May 4-May 18, 2005

Issue #74

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend
SHILL YOUR TELEVISION
Musn't-See TV
SUPER WHORES
Democrats Sucking for America
by Matt Taibbi
VOTE DEPRECIATION
The Falling Value of Domocracy
by Russ Wellen
TAKE ME OUT TO THE CLEANERS
Stadiums & Phony Capitalism
by Matt Taibbi
CON & PRO
Spirited Debate on the Filibuster

USA TOMORROW: 2125
Tomorrow's News Today!

by Ian Murphy

HIPPIE SWITCHES TO ORGANIC ROLLING PAPERS
For Earth Day

RSS FEED
ISSUE#74 PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner
Cruise Korner NEW!
Clasifieds & BeastWord
[SIC] - Your Letters
BEAST BLOG NEW!

Last Issue: (73)
Attack of Tom Cruise

BEAST ARCHIVES
BEAST LINKS
BEAST SUBSCRIPTIONS
BEASTLY MERCHANDISE


Buffalo in Briefs

Bye Now
The headlines were big and bold but the news value was more like limp browning lettuce. Tony Masiello decided "the people of this wonderful city need a new face, new energy," and won't seek a fourth term. Of course Masiello would love to keep the job; he's been pretty goddamn comfortable for the last 12 years, but he's not a complete masochist. Running for re-election would mean open season on a shady record of putting a not so happy face on Buffalo's rapid decline. Of course he's become a wealthy man during three terms in office, making contacts throughout the business and political community, so rest assured Masiello will land in some cushy job that keeps him out of the public eye and pays a lot better than a mayor's salary. It's the sensible thing to do-we'll forget all about how ineffective Big Tony was while some new joker scavenges Buffalo's carcass. As the former mayor, he'll rarely have to pay for a beer in any number of local drinking establishments, and, when voter ire is focused on a new target, he will achieve a cult status, with people remembering him as "not so bad." So sayonara, Tony, you had a good ride, you've done right by your friends and family. Time to pass the keys on to a younger, dumber generation of hopelessly inept career minded politicians. Wake up Buffalo: there's going to be a meaningful mayoral election in the fall, so don't screw it up.

In addition to the Mayor, county fiscal watchbitch Nancy Naples has decided not to run again, after her fingerpointing targets decided to cough up some dirt on her. Just last November she came thiiis close to a congressional seat, and now she's looking for "consulting" work, probably with the firm she threw all that loan business. And let's not forget that Joel Giambra has already said he won't run again.

We're enjoying this trend. Swanick? Holt? We're looking at you.

 

Great White Dope
We won't even go into the details of the actual fight which ended Baby Joe Mesi's boxing career [Yes, you will. -Ed.]. He was the number one contender for the heavyweight belt at the time, but a dozen blows to the head in a few short minutes produced three separate subdural hematomas, the bleeding on the brain which is boxing's occasional side effect. These unseen injuries are what kill fighters in the ring, which is a real downer for an otherwise exciting and competitive sport of conditioning, skill, and (sometimes diminished) intelligence. For 13 months after that fight, Mesi was suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. Then an April 19 medical board hearing unanimously decided Joe should never box again. One doctor implored Mesi not to spar even with headgear on, citing the fact one of the tears on his brain reopened a month after the fight, when he picked up a dresser moving into his new home.

A rational man would take the advice of professional neurosurgeons, but Baby Joe was on the cusp of earning huge paydays, a million-dollar fight with Mike Tyson was on the table, and a shot at the heavyweight title was on the horizon. Within days of the medical board ruling, ESPN came calling to offer Mesi an announcing job. Ok, it's not a title shot, but it's a paying gig with plenty of perks, including a very low possibility of dying in the ring. Instead, Mesi hired local midget Paul Cambria, attorney to pornographers, murderers, crooked cops and all sorts of other alleged scumbags and perverts. Cambria immediately filed a motion to delay the upcoming suspension hearing and started billing hours, asserting that "the first hearing was not complete." Guess he didn't see the MRIs of his client's brain with the big leaking splotches. Hopefully this will only be a waste of Baby Joe's money and not a waste of his life, because he is an okay guy. Whoever hooked Baby Joe up with Cambria is not Mesi's friend; he's an asshole after a meal ticket, dead boxer or no, just like Cambria.

 

Jesus Christ: Fag-Hater
Most people spend Sundays kicking back on the couch, watching football or Nascar or some other ridiculous sporting event/advertising blitz, but last Sunday, jolly, loving Christian souls got out the old body placards and hit the streets to protest a gay choir performing at Blessed Trinity Catholic Church. The event was held to raise money for Habitat For Humanity, as well as the upkeep of the church, which is considered an architectural masterpiece. No matter, though; decent folks gotta take to the streets and shout their blessed beliefs about immoral pervert fags, who have the audacity to enjoy themselves, despite all the projected shame that sadly repressed, infantile busybodies can deliver. Sexual deviants in a Catholic church, imagine that! "Back in the closet" was their message, yet it drifted up into the empty air to little effect. It might impress the bigwigs in Rome and the new pope, people who still party like it's 1505, but it's just plain silly here in the 21st century. There is nowhere on the planet you can go without encountering gay people, certainly not in a Catholic church. Catholics ought to be happy when openly gay men perform, because at least they're not a highly organized, secretive society in a position of trust hiding a long and nasty tradition of preying on young boys. More likely they're the victims.

 

Cable Thieves Actually Prosecuted to Fullest Extent of Law
When they were on top they lived like kings, billionaires, jetting about the world and enjoying a lavish lifestyle for which your average wage slave would kill many times. But they were greedy, sociopath bastards, and their book-fudging grew more and more ludicrous, and Adelphia Communications came crashing to the ground in a wave of corporate fraud. We wrote something awhile back about Grandpa Rigas and son Tim dying broke in prison, and now that the Rigas family has agreed to forfiet its' $1.5 billion fortune to pay for their crimes, it looks like our heartfelt wishes will be granted. $720 million will go directly to paying for the frauds they committed, the rest will be absorbed by the federal government, however that works. The settlement leaves Adelphia free from further prosecution and the family as close to broke as corporate criminals get, which is to say only very wealthy. John and Tim Rigas are scheduled for sentencing in June, and will probably do serious time. No more flying Christmas trees all over the country for the daughter. No more wooing B grade actresses on Carribean beaches. No more private golf course. Now if we could only get some hardcore porn out of Adelphia, the turnaround will be complete.

Here's the thing that bothers us: this never happens. Look at Enron, Halliburton, etc. These guys never get prosecuted, and when they do, they wind up paying fines that equate, on the billionaire scale, to a squirt of pee. Now the Rigases are left with a meager 5% of their fortune, a pauperous 78 million or so. Let that be a lesson to you, future kings of malfeasance: always get your Republican campaign contributions in on time.

The Memory Hole
The cameras were rolling as the budget deadline approached last December. The pages of the document were still warm in legislators' hands when Charles Swanick made a motion that legislative rules be set aside so the document could be voted upon without any review whatsoever in order to pass a budget which would raise the sales tax and allow Erie County government to continue bloating out of control. Secret negotiations during the day between Joel Giambra and ten members of the legislature were held, clearly violating New York State's open meeting laws, and the votes needed to approve the tax were agreed upon.

But then Lynn Marinelli objected to Swanick's request, and under the legislature's own rules a single objection requires the rules be kept in place. It was live on television and replayed at least a thousand times. But they were so desperate to pass the budget that George Holt granted Swanick's motion. Holt certainly didn't want anyone reading aloud a certain $3 million dollar item for his newfound friends from New Orleans. The 2005 budget is still a festering pile of crap, everything is still up in the air and nobody seems to be working to fix the situation. Perhaps they are distracted; an upcoming lawsuit about all the secret, illegal meetings looms large over county politicians.

Now the minutes from the December 8 meeting have been released, but they strangely contain no reference whatsoever to Marinelli's objection, despite the fact that everyone already knows about it, and has in fact seen it. Why would they do that? What benefit can they possibly hope to gain from a Soviet-style revision of an event so fresh in our minds? Now we have an official record confirming everyone's worst fears about our elected representatives: not only are they a bunch of opportunistic parasites, they're also fucking idiots.

© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.