Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

May 4-May 18, 2005

Issue #74

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend
SHILL YOUR TELEVISION
Musn't-See TV
SUPER WHORES
Democrats Sucking for America
by Matt Taibbi
VOTE DEPRECIATION
The Falling Value of Domocracy
by Russ Wellen
TAKE ME OUT TO THE CLEANERS
Stadiums & Phony Capitalism
by Matt Taibbi
CON & PRO
Spirited Debate on the Filibuster

USA TOMORROW: 2125
Tomorrow's News Today!

by Ian Murphy

HIPPIE SWITCHES TO ORGANIC ROLLING PAPERS
For Earth Day

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Hippie Switches to Organic Rolling Papers for Earth Day

by Scott Borchert

Local hippie Keith Dobast, 22, put his commitment to protecting the environment into action for Earth Day 2005 (April 22) by rolling joints with non-bleached, hand-made, organic rolling papers. By making reefers with the atom-thin wrappers, Dobast claims that he is helping cut down the proliferation of hazardous chemicals used to bleach standard rolling papers and thus doing his part to "save the world, one puff at a time".

"Every little bit helps, man," said the environmentalist as he filled an eco-friendly Zig-Zag with some hydroponic weed that he had just received from someone called "Johnson", "who grows this shit in his basement with Miracle Grow."

"Do you know what kind of toxins they put in those papers, man? If you smoke [marijuana] every day - and I do -- the shit they make those things with will kill you, seriously."

The switch to "all-natural" rolling papers comes after years of ignorance and pollution that Dobast woefully admits to having inadvertently participated in. Though there are more pressing environmental and ecological concerns like CO2 emissions, global warming and popes shitting in the woods, Dobast still seeks to proselytize his friends into following in suit and rolling all joints with the same kind of care for Mother Nature that he does.

Dobast added that he is also proud that his $1.59 purchase is helping independent farmers and specialty storeowners make ends meet. And although he lacks any scientific or economic data to back up his claims, Dobast remained adamant about his contribution to the ecosystem and local economy, lamenting that Earth Day should be Every Day.

"I should totally start a movement to make it every day," he said, a flash slowly growing in his eye, then dulling over. "Actually I thought about doing that this year, but then I forgot to, and then I thought I forgot Earth Day and it was over already, which meant that I could start trying to make Earth Day every day, but it turned out that I didn't actually forget it and was celebrating it on the proper day after all."

"Oh, man," he said a few seconds of silence later, giggling. "I just blew my own mind."

Dobast was also quick to point out that he had implemented his more eco-friendly joint-smoking policy even prior to Earth Day for the holiday of April 20th, highlighting the urgency of getting high in ways that do not adversely impact the Earth's fragile ecosystem.

"Given that 4-20 was this week, I imagine that it actually was sound environmental policy for Keith to use organic and chemical-free papers," said friend and fellow conservationist Ed Boughton. "The landfills would be full of chemically-enhanced, corporate-produced, animal-tested roaches if we hadn't gone eco-friendly."

Boughton commented not only on the positive impact that purchasing organically grown and produced rolling papers have on the environment, but also spoke highly of the superlative joints that results from their use.

"Goddamn, that one's good," said Dobast as he finished exhaling and rather large hit. "Fuckin' a', in parlance of our times. I can totally tell that that [paper] wasn't made in some factory by some corporate mogul. The weed itself did taste a little soapy, though, I must admit."

Not all hippies agree with Dobast's crusade, however; one, who gave his name only as Harold, accused Dobast and his peers of "siding with the man" by using paper at all.

"How could you?" he said, disgusted. "I mean, I'm not judging, here, but all those trees! You're really damaging plantlife."

But Dobast and others stand by their decision to help keep the woods around the nation's high schools and college campuses clear of scraps of joints and discarded papers made with chemicals that, they claim, kill fish, kill babies, and "really fuck up your lungs."

"Also observe that I am helping the local economy," he said proudly. "And did I tell you about my buddy Miracle and the Johnson Grow?"

Other ways that Dobast has helped the environment include using the same underwear three days in a row "to cut down on the amount of soap that enters the water system", refusing to use deodorant ("They test it on animals," he says) and talking to his friends of his aspirations to one day buy a hybrid automobile.

"For now, I have to live with this old Thunderbird, which I take on summer tours with the String Cheese Incident," admitted Dobast, "but someday when I get enough money I'll buy a Honda hybrid that runs on, like, soy milk, I think."

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