film reviews by Michael Gildea
State of the Union
with the first completely mindless action film of the year
comes the official summer movie pummeling. This year’s first
punch comes in the form of XXX: State of the Union.
I guess it can be called a punch, but it’s more like the kind
of punch you see some chachi assclown throw down on Chippewa.
You know, after he’s been drinking those candyass krunk juice
drinks all night and didn’t bother to throw the occasional
street-wiener down his throat to keep himself in check. And
of course, he doesn’t connect and hits the pavement...
the producers of XXX were under the deluded impression
that they had a cash cow on their hands, a James Bond for
the new millennium, as I believe it was once described. What
they failed to realize was that the reason that the original
XXX did so well was because of Vin Diesel. The man
is bait for hordes of gay men and dumpy girls everywhere.
You base a mindless action flick—which will automatically
attract dumb straight males anyway—on that kind of fanbase,
and you’re going to do pretty well for yourself.
due to some salary dispute, the human antelope has bowed out
and we’re left with Ice Cube. Admittedly, XXX: State of
the Union is better than Are We There Yet, but
that’s neither here nor there. That’s like ranking 33 on a
top ten list. When you see Ice Cube cast as the lead in a
movie like this, it means about ten other guys turned it down.
Let’s face it: the guy’s fat. In real life, he’d get about
thirty seconds into one of these action sequences, then he’d
have to sit down, breathe real hard, and take a shower.
plot’s hilarious, even though the main ingredients are cheese
and corn. An evil secretary of defense wants to assassinate
the president and half the cabinet. He gets a bunch of terrorists
who look like Darth Vader to put out the hit and well, if
you saw the original XXX or any James Bond movie, you
get the idea...
you constantly walk around like you’re carrying two imaginary
pails of water, you’ll probably love this movie. You’ll probably
shout “fuck yeah” sporadically throughout the painful hour
and forty-minute running time, and any woman who sleeps with
you has a sever self-esteem deficiency. But if you’ve been
in a constant state of despondency since you found out that
a Pink Panther remake’s hitting the screens later this
summer, save your money. Take the money you would have spent
on the ticket, buy some cheap beer, and crawl further down
that hole, because it’s probably not going to get any better
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
you bear even the slightest human resemblance to Comic Book
Guy from The Simpsons, you are aware that The Hitchhiker’s
Guide to the Galaxy is based on a book or series of books
by Douglas Adams. If you’ve never even heard of the damn thing,
picture the demented lovechild of Dr. Who and Monty Python,
conceived during a debaucherous spring evening of Harp lager,
entirely too much soggy fish and chips, topped off with some
not so consensual sodomy in a Canterbury flat.
I never read the books. All of the young men who were wearing
the Elvis Costello t-shirts and horn-rimmed glasses that wonderfully
compliment their hounds-tooth blazers and generally sullen
demeanor as they elitistly sauntered into the theater did,
laughed like fools, they did! You’d think they were more excited
to see this movie than the new Star Wars movie. They
laughed at the smallest things as they sat in the theater
for myself, I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Oh sure,
there were some mildly amusing moments here and there, but
for the most part, I got the feeling that most of what was
happening on screen was a series of in-jokes. And unless you’ve
read these books time and time again, you’re probably going
to be lost. Or at least not really enjoy it.
though I looked at my watch at least seventeen times throughout
the movie and I couldn’t wait for it to be over, I somehow
felt that it was done right, a movie specifically for the
fans of the source material. Not worrying about if some dickweed
film executive is going to find it marketable or some pretentious
film geek would rate it right up there with Fellini’s 8
½. Bravo to that, but if you haven’t read the books, go
see Sin City.
Lot Like Love
movies appeal to a respective audience. Cartoons tend to appeal
to children. Action films usually appeal to guys. And A
Lot Like Love appeals to idiots. Or people with no taste
just a When Harry Met Sally knock-off with none of
the wit and even less talent, and that statement’s coming
from someone who can’t stand Meg Ryan. Ashton Kutcher and
Amanda Peet have reached a whole new level of annoying in
this movie, an 11 out of 10 on the Gilbert Godfrey scale.
starts off terrible and keeps getting worse and worse. And
if you think that scene from the trailer where Kutcher is
singing that awful Skid Row song is bad, you haven’t heard
anything. Or maybe it was a Bon Jovi song. Anyway, it’s a
Jersey band and everything in Jersey is broke. If that snippet
wasn’t bad enough to make you stick your head in the oven,
the rest of the movie will have you running to the closest
active volcano to go skinny-dipping.
you ever wonder what the hell happened to David Duchovny after
he left “The X-Files?” Neither did I. But it turns out he
made a self-indulgent movie loaded with sappy sentiment and
nails-on-the-chalkboard dramatic moments. And he stuck his
wife Tea Leoni into it, as his mother.
of D is pretty bad. It starts off with Duchovny playing
an artist, living, of course, in Paris. For one reason or
another, he reflects on his childhood and thinks back about
his depressive mother and mentally retarded best friend, played,
of course, by Robin Williams.
things just get more nauseating as he goes back to his old
Greenwich Village stomping grounds thirty years later.
can’t really imagine that there are people out there who actually
want to be depressed and bored, but I know they’re out there.
House of D is the flick for them. Picture the sun not
shining for three months. Take that collective feeling, condense
it into a little less than two hours and this is what you
get. I was actually disappointed to find out that it wasn’t
another Vampire Hunter D sequel, but those are the
Interpreter is such a damn shame. I say this because we’ve
got a pair of talented actors, a pair of talented Oscar-winning
actors in a movie that’s so incredibly boring that you can’t
even enjoy the performances. There’s the most mind numbing
espionage plot slathered with dozens of aspects of the story
that are supposed to be interesting and aren’t.
maybe Sean “buzzkill at the Oscars” Penn and Nicole “I got
ugly for an Oscar and it worked” Kidman just got really dull
when they read this. Watching a movie like this is like a
month of Sundays wrapped into a few hours. Imagine being part
of the process in making it. I know this whole thing was probably
a complete and total drag to make, but come on! Run some outtakes
during the credits or something. Jesus!
seen this movie about a thousand other times. Mainly when
you lost the coin toss when you went to the movies with your
well-to-do uncle. The worst part of The Interpreter
is that it didn’t have the obligatory sex scene that the numerous
other variations of this story contained. Making said sex
scene no longer mandatory.
me at least, I can sit through just about anything if there’s
a good performance involved. And it’s usually to watch one
of these two actors work. Maybe they cancelled each other
out in this case. Maybe they negated each other like The Hulk
and Nick Nolte at the end of The Hulk. Instead of ambient
energy being ingested in their case, I think Penn and Kidman
absorbed all of the life out of their audience. The only thing
that saved me from being turned into a rotting husk in a theater
was the Episode III trailer before the movie.
Anderson. Jay Mohr.
you need further explanation as to why this movie would be
a complete and total waste of your time and money you deserve
to lose it all. With any luck, you’ll lose the soul you already
lost while watching Anthony Anderson play Frankie Muniz’ bitch
in the Agent Cody Banks movies..
Charlie Murphy is in it! The darkness!” Shut up and tuck it
between your legs for a few more weeks. The second season
of Chappelle’s Show comes out on DVD soon. Bitches.
A movie to hit the theaters that doesn’t require self-medication
it is the end of an era when you see a kung-fu movie that
adopts all of the computer technology elements of The
Matrix. But if you weren’t weaned on martial arts movies,
you should be entertained. There’s enough bizarre humor to
keep you laughing as they trade off with completely outlandish
you don’t bitch because if you wanted a substantial movie,
you’d be dying of boredom in the next theater over as you
watched The Interpreter. You’re there to have fun and
watch total random acts of computer-generated violence involving
people who were utterly consumed by an eightball and opium
was so inspired by Kung-Fu Hustle that I ran into the
nearest Chinese buffet with a pair of foam nunchucks, shouting
nonsensical gibberish and swinging at anyone I could get near.
Of course, the proprietor threw a steam pan full of lo mein
in my face and spin-kicked me in the head, bringing me down
to earth in record time.
that’s how that egg roll got up my ass...