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[sic]
- your letters
RESPECT
THE BEAST, TAME THE CRUISE
I
just wanted to say that I'm enjoying all of your Tom Cruise
BS that has been taking place recently. The guy has to learn
to loosen up and not take things so seriously - or maybe he
needs to just get laid.
I
was wondering if you've seen an increase in readership and
web traffic since all this broke out. I was also wondering
if his creepy lawyer is still harrasing you, or if they decided
to just back off and let you have your fun.
Keep
up the good work and don't back down!
Scott
Scott,
Unfortunately, it appears that Cruise and Fields are punking
out like the little bitches they are. What choice do they
have, really? Their fame, riches, mind control cult and epic
vanity are no match for our ninja-like satire skills.
JUDY
JUDY JUDY
Dear
Evil Editor-in-Chief,
In
your article on Primary Challenge (issue #73) you ask what
I thought of the "speech" the Reverend delivered
at the Freedom Rally. I thought it failed to respect all the
religions and points of view on "spiritual matters"
audience members represented. I thought it inconsistent with
the message candidates were given when they accepted a position
on Primary Challenge's slate, that is, that our positions
would be our own and Primary Challenge would not try to influence
them.
When
preachers pray outside their congregations I believe they
have a responsibility to respect a wider audience, otherwise
they're not praying, they're preying. If they can't respect
everyone they're not the right preachers for public events,
especially political events, where tolerance and open-mindedness
are key. You weren't the only one who was stunned. A lot of
people were, some unstage and some in the audience.
You
were right that candidate speeches that night didn't get into
issues. The evening was billed as a rally. I prepared a rally-type
speech and it worked. People cheered and rose to their feet.
For more insight into the substance of my campaign check out
www.judy4mayor.org.
For
the record, in 2001 I ran as a write-in candidate. No particular
affiliation. I happened to be a registered Democrat at the
time. This time I'm challenging in the Democratic Primary
and I have an early endorsement from the Green Party of Erie
County.
Good
article.
Judith
Einach
Candidate, Mayor of Buffalo
Judy,
Of course preachers can't respect a wider audience; they're
jerks. There is no "right preacher" for a political
event, just like there's no right tax attorney for a liver
transplant. That's just not what they do.
Just
answer this simple question, Judy: are you pro-death or not?
As certified members of the Official Order of The Culture
of Death (O.O.O.T.C.O.D.), we need a candidate who will fight
these anti-death crusaders and work to stamp out God's holy
plan to use payroll taxes to temporarily inflate the stock
market. Masiello has done much to undermine the faith of most
Buffalonians, but that was largely unintentional on his part.
Now it's time to end the scourge of life once and for all.
Once we achieve the perfectly evil state of universal health
care, "Operation Horrible Death" can proceed. Only
then can we death-loving liberal elite types drink our chardonnay
in peace, with zombie servants serving us fondue from the
hollowed skulls of heterosexual Christians. Yup, that's the
plan. It's all 100% true!
SCORNING BECOMES ELECTRA
Now
that she is on the cover of Time magazine, the truth needs
come out about Ann Coulter's roots, and not the ones in her
hair.
The source of Ann Coulter's rage and pseudo-fierce conservatism
is that she grew up in a trailer park, the illegitimate child
of Ted Kennedy. Upon reaching the age of 16, Coulter learned
the truth about her heritage. Coulter hated her father and
his family, including all those dead Kennedys. Determined
to get her uber-liberal father back for abandoning her, she
studied a little and was accepted into Cornell. There she
began her writing career with a column titled Reagan Youth
in the student paper. It was all downhill from there.
You may ask how I know all this. Simple. I'm the illegitimate
daughter of Ann and JFK, Jr. She just couldn't help fucking
the Kennedys.
Ginger Allen (my adopted name)
Dear
Ginger,
Hey, who could? Your claim to incestuous lineage would help
to explain the content of your letter, but we have trouble
believing that an undead skeleton with a boob job could bring
life of any kind into this world.
POSSIBLY PLANTED BY STAFF
The
Beast is the best newspaper in the whole wide wordl. It's
so fucking funny, and the Beast-O-Scopes are hilarious. I
love all your political jokes, and the story about the pope
was great. It's about time he died, I mean after he let all
those preists melest thousands of kids and didnt do anything
about it. Yeah, maybe he did pay a little money, but that's
nothing for him. I just have one question for you Matt, how
can they let a fucking plane hit the army national headquarters?
girl from da hood
Girl,
Okay, who really wrote this? Gullerstein, we're looking in
your direction.
PALADI-NO!
Careful,
guys: local scumbag Carl Paladino crushed a great Buffalo
comics/magazine with lawsuits. I can't remember the name of
the paper, but their column he attacked was 'Infamous Grouse',
I think.
Tim O'Connor
Tim,
As we've recently learned, it was the great Sharp Comix, an
old paper which, as we dimly recall, reprinted a selection
of political cartoons from different newspapers, and was definitely
welcome eye candy for the lonely diner. Why Carl, why? Aren't
the parking lots enough? If you needed to throw your weight
around, why not destroy Artefakt? It's not like anyone would
miss it.
JINGLE BALLS
I
wrote a song!
Actually
I had a little help. But I did most of it. Well, at least
half. No, it's a well-known melody. Well, no, I can't say
I really wrote it, then. But I did a lot of the words. No,
not that line. No. Nope. Not that one either. Um, well, no.
Like I said, there's parts of it that I did not write, OK?
Jesus, you'd think you'd want to hear the fucking song first.
Who am I? Well who the fuck are you? I worked long and hard
on this. I (and my partner) poured our souls into it. Took
three refills of house-blend to get it done. We closed the
place. Well, OK, we didn't, but we closed the door when we
left.
OK,
here goes. You ready? Oh. OK, well, go ahead. I'll wait til
you get back... Everything come out OK? Ah, yes time marches
on, heh heh. Next Tuesday? OK. I'll call you Monday, OK? OK.
See you.
...and...thanks.
Thanks
for being there, Beast.
Enjoy Spring!
Rick McGirr
Rick,
Your weak attempt to amuse us was not successful.
LEAVE YOUR INTEGRITY AT THE DOOR
Hey
Paul,
Enjoyed your article immensely, especially your skewering
of Suzanne whatever-the-fuck-her-last-name is ["Brian
Higgins is a Tool," issue 73]. I know her, and she's
a -well let's just say Cee Uou Next Tuesday. She's an incompetent
asshole, and why Brian would have a dipshit like her working
for him is evidence of his politiking nature. That said, however,
I have to tell you why I think Brian voted for the B-shit
bill. I just read an article about the rules/guts of Congress
and it opened my eyes, big time.
Quite a few dems voted for that bill -Joe Biden, etc....As
a frosh, Brian really has to tow the party line. If Biden
voted for it, you better believe Brian had no choice in the
matter. Also, if Brian has any plans at pushing any sort of
pro-Buffalo legislation anywhere ever, even to a committee,
he has to make concessions. Plus, he's a Rep. not a Sen. which
means his hands are double-tied. So don't be so quick to blame
him for a shitty vote -he has to do it by virtue of Congressional
machinery. Of course, Suzanne did not have to give you a ridiculous
answer, but she's a totally dumb bitch. But she can't tell
you the truth, i.e., sometimes a congressman must vote against
his constituents interests because that's the nature of the
chamber. Of course, he may have just plain old sold out, as
you claim, but I doubt it. Brian's a diehard Democrat. You
should hold his feet to the fire, but read a little about
how Congress works and it will help you to understand its
kangaroo nature and why Brian may have voted for that. You
KNOW Brian in no way believed in that bill. I did notice that
Brian is on the Transportation Committee, I believe, and if
there's anything NY needs it's highway money.
Cheers.
(Please don't publish this or if you do, very anonymously.)
Nameless
wuss,
Ohhh, so that's how it works! Great, we're getting highway
money! Hey, maybe we can make a special lane for all the credit
card usury victims to stand with their squeegees and spray
bottles full of urine!
In
reality, 73 Democrats (36.1%) voted for the bill, whereas
125 Democrats (62%) voted no. Face it; this was fundraising.
Banks don't have smokestacks or thorny union issues, so unethical
Democrats like to take their money and do their bidding. This
little "concession" is bringing back debt slavery.
But hey, those roads'll be shiny, so who cares, right?
IN POPE WE TRUST INC.
Pope
heads a religious cult
He don't want you thinkin' for yourself
You ain't Catholic 'cause you wash your hair
When a heathen still lives inside your head
Nazi popes
Nazi popes
Nazi popes
Fuck off
-Roy
LaPost
Roy,
You'll be the first to go
You'll be the first to go
You'll be the first to go
Unless you pray!
Two
Dead Kennedys references on one page of letters! We're so
punk rock!
…AND COLOREDS KNEW THEIR PLACE
I
picked up your magazine (I use the term loosely), by mistake
and believe me, it was a mistake! Have you never heard that
using foul language is a sign of a small vocabulary and mind?
I am offended by the language and left wing extremist wacko
opinions in your "magazine." I am under fifty and
not a prude, but I long for the days when people were actually
polite, foul language was a no-no, people said please and
thank you, and actually got dressed up for work, aero plane
rides, religious services and ballgames. Ah, the good old
days. I would think you would feel ashamed. Try going to church/temple
sometime and using your mind for good.
Carol Woien
Carol,
Despite your protestations, you are clearly a prude, and likely
an extremist whacko yourself. You are probably also ugly.
STOP MAKING CENTS
Fees
for probationers is a very stupid idea.
Charging a fee of $35 a month to people who are on probation
is ludicrous. People who steal and sell drugs have no way
of paying the fee, that's why they steal and sell drugs in
the first place. What would the probationers do to pay this
fee? Rob a bank or sell more crack cocaine? Would judges sentence
some violent criminals to probation instead of jail just so
that it would build up the counties revenue? What would happen
to probationers who wouldn't pay? Would they be sent to jail
which costs Erie county taxpayers $40,000 a year?
A
$35 a month fee for people on probation amounts up to $420
a year. If a probationeer violates his or her probation because
they cannot pay and are sent to jail,it will cost over $100
a day to keep them behind bars. That amount would cost over
$40,000.
So it would take just one violation of probation for not paying
a fee that they canot afford to cancel out the paying of 100
people on probation. If just 100 people on probation are violated,
out of the 8,000 people that are on probation, that would
cost the county over 4 million dollars each year. Probationers
would have no incentive and hope for early release if they
have good behavior. There most likely will be more trouble
and violence in the city and county.
Probationers
would only been seen as a revenue source for the county. It's
a dumb plan and it should be voted down. Let the people on
probation pay their debt to society for the mistake that they
made and not have them suffer a finacial debt that many cannot
pay.
We'd see the ACLU, NYCLU, and civil lawyers suing Erie county
costing us taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars, if
not more. It figures that this not too well thought out plan
came from Joel Giambra.
James
James,
What did you expect? Since regular folks wouldn't swallow
his regressive sales tax, Joel had to find an even poorer
and less powerful segment of the population to shaft. You
didn't think he was going to tax the upper classes or spend
less, right? 'Cause that would be just silly.
BUT SWEARING MAKES YOU COOL
Dearest
editors,
I am a loyal reader of The Beast, and I love reading the letters
people send in. However, I really hate the patterns that these
idiots use to try and harass the elder statesmen that you
are. Here are some pointers to show these ignorant Nazi assholes.
To
the angry readers:
For starters-- 3/8ths of an inch. Thats how far away the caps
lock key is from the A key. It's also how far you have to
reach to stop sounding like an asshole. Turn it off, douchebag.
Secondly,
puncutation is an issue. Somehow Bush is leaving some children
behind.
Third,
don't even talk about your psycho-Christian bullshit. Obviously,
the editors aren't in a position to see the light with you
people, so shut the fuck up. I'm sick of hearing the same
old paradox--"I'm against killing and torture but I'm
wishing it on you". It's just fucking stupid and it makes
you sound like a hypocrite.
And
lastly, if you don't agree with this paper, then don't fucking
read it! If your country is so "free" then you should
have the "freedom" of not even touching this thing!
Fucking idiots. I'll wipe my ass with the flag.
So,
thats it. Keep up the excellent work! I'm looking forward
to the next issue.
Mark
PS:
Fuck Tom Cruise.
Mark,
Thanks, but we'd really rather not. Besides, when people type
in all caps, it means they're seething with impotent rage.
Don't mess with that; it's one of the sweet rewards of our
work.
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