Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

May 4-May 18, 2005

Issue #74

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend
SHILL YOUR TELEVISION
Musn't-See TV
SUPER WHORES
Democrats Sucking for America
by Matt Taibbi
VOTE DEPRECIATION
The Falling Value of Domocracy
by Russ Wellen
TAKE ME OUT TO THE CLEANERS
Stadiums & Phony Capitalism
by Matt Taibbi
CON & PRO
Spirited Debate on the Filibuster

USA TOMORROW: 2125
Tomorrow's News Today!

by Ian Murphy

HIPPIE SWITCHES TO ORGANIC ROLLING PAPERS
For Earth Day

RSS FEED
ISSUE#74 PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner
Cruise Korner NEW!
Clasifieds & BeastWord
[SIC] - Your Letters
BEAST BLOG NEW!

Last Issue: (73)
Attack of Tom Cruise

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BEASTLY MERCHANDISE

[sic] - your letters

RESPECT THE BEAST, TAME THE CRUISE

I just wanted to say that I'm enjoying all of your Tom Cruise BS that has been taking place recently. The guy has to learn to loosen up and not take things so seriously - or maybe he needs to just get laid.

I was wondering if you've seen an increase in readership and web traffic since all this broke out. I was also wondering if his creepy lawyer is still harrasing you, or if they decided to just back off and let you have your fun.

Keep up the good work and don't back down!
Scott

Scott,
Unfortunately, it appears that Cruise and Fields are punking out like the little bitches they are. What choice do they have, really? Their fame, riches, mind control cult and epic vanity are no match for our ninja-like satire skills.

 

JUDY JUDY JUDY

Dear Evil Editor-in-Chief,

In your article on Primary Challenge (issue #73) you ask what I thought of the "speech" the Reverend delivered at the Freedom Rally. I thought it failed to respect all the religions and points of view on "spiritual matters" audience members represented. I thought it inconsistent with the message candidates were given when they accepted a position on Primary Challenge's slate, that is, that our positions would be our own and Primary Challenge would not try to influence them.

When preachers pray outside their congregations I believe they have a responsibility to respect a wider audience, otherwise they're not praying, they're preying. If they can't respect everyone they're not the right preachers for public events, especially political events, where tolerance and open-mindedness are key. You weren't the only one who was stunned. A lot of people were, some unstage and some in the audience.

You were right that candidate speeches that night didn't get into issues. The evening was billed as a rally. I prepared a rally-type speech and it worked. People cheered and rose to their feet. For more insight into the substance of my campaign check out www.judy4mayor.org.

For the record, in 2001 I ran as a write-in candidate. No particular affiliation. I happened to be a registered Democrat at the time. This time I'm challenging in the Democratic Primary and I have an early endorsement from the Green Party of Erie County.

Good article.

Judith Einach
Candidate, Mayor of Buffalo

Judy,
Of course preachers can't respect a wider audience; they're jerks. There is no "right preacher" for a political event, just like there's no right tax attorney for a liver transplant. That's just not what they do.

Just answer this simple question, Judy: are you pro-death or not? As certified members of the Official Order of The Culture of Death (O.O.O.T.C.O.D.), we need a candidate who will fight these anti-death crusaders and work to stamp out God's holy plan to use payroll taxes to temporarily inflate the stock market. Masiello has done much to undermine the faith of most Buffalonians, but that was largely unintentional on his part. Now it's time to end the scourge of life once and for all. Once we achieve the perfectly evil state of universal health care, "Operation Horrible Death" can proceed. Only then can we death-loving liberal elite types drink our chardonnay in peace, with zombie servants serving us fondue from the hollowed skulls of heterosexual Christians. Yup, that's the plan. It's all 100% true!

 


SCORNING BECOMES ELECTRA

Now that she is on the cover of Time magazine, the truth needs come out about Ann Coulter's roots, and not the ones in her hair.

The source of Ann Coulter's rage and pseudo-fierce conservatism is that she grew up in a trailer park, the illegitimate child of Ted Kennedy. Upon reaching the age of 16, Coulter learned the truth about her heritage. Coulter hated her father and his family, including all those dead Kennedys. Determined to get her uber-liberal father back for abandoning her, she studied a little and was accepted into Cornell. There she began her writing career with a column titled Reagan Youth in the student paper. It was all downhill from there.

You may ask how I know all this. Simple. I'm the illegitimate daughter of Ann and JFK, Jr. She just couldn't help fucking the Kennedys.
Ginger Allen (my adopted name)

Dear Ginger,
Hey, who could? Your claim to incestuous lineage would help to explain the content of your letter, but we have trouble believing that an undead skeleton with a boob job could bring life of any kind into this world.

 


POSSIBLY PLANTED BY STAFF

The Beast is the best newspaper in the whole wide wordl. It's so fucking funny, and the Beast-O-Scopes are hilarious. I love all your political jokes, and the story about the pope was great. It's about time he died, I mean after he let all those preists melest thousands of kids and didnt do anything about it. Yeah, maybe he did pay a little money, but that's nothing for him. I just have one question for you Matt, how can they let a fucking plane hit the army national headquarters? girl from da hood

Girl,
Okay, who really wrote this? Gullerstein, we're looking in your direction.

 

PALADI-NO!

Careful, guys: local scumbag Carl Paladino crushed a great Buffalo comics/magazine with lawsuits. I can't remember the name of the paper, but their column he attacked was 'Infamous Grouse', I think.
Tim O'Connor

Tim,
As we've recently learned, it was the great Sharp Comix, an old paper which, as we dimly recall, reprinted a selection of political cartoons from different newspapers, and was definitely welcome eye candy for the lonely diner. Why Carl, why? Aren't the parking lots enough? If you needed to throw your weight around, why not destroy Artefakt? It's not like anyone would miss it.

 


JINGLE BALLS

I wrote a song!

Actually I had a little help. But I did most of it. Well, at least half. No, it's a well-known melody. Well, no, I can't say I really wrote it, then. But I did a lot of the words. No, not that line. No. Nope. Not that one either. Um, well, no. Like I said, there's parts of it that I did not write, OK? Jesus, you'd think you'd want to hear the fucking song first. Who am I? Well who the fuck are you? I worked long and hard on this. I (and my partner) poured our souls into it. Took three refills of house-blend to get it done. We closed the place. Well, OK, we didn't, but we closed the door when we left.

OK, here goes. You ready? Oh. OK, well, go ahead. I'll wait til you get back... Everything come out OK? Ah, yes time marches on, heh heh. Next Tuesday? OK. I'll call you Monday, OK? OK. See you.
...and...thanks.

Thanks for being there, Beast.
Enjoy Spring!
Rick McGirr

Rick,
Your weak attempt to amuse us was not successful.

 


LEAVE YOUR INTEGRITY AT THE DOOR

Hey Paul,
Enjoyed your article immensely, especially your skewering of Suzanne whatever-the-fuck-her-last-name is ["Brian Higgins is a Tool," issue 73]. I know her, and she's a -well let's just say Cee Uou Next Tuesday. She's an incompetent asshole, and why Brian would have a dipshit like her working for him is evidence of his politiking nature. That said, however, I have to tell you why I think Brian voted for the B-shit bill. I just read an article about the rules/guts of Congress and it opened my eyes, big time.

Quite a few dems voted for that bill -Joe Biden, etc....As a frosh, Brian really has to tow the party line. If Biden voted for it, you better believe Brian had no choice in the matter. Also, if Brian has any plans at pushing any sort of pro-Buffalo legislation anywhere ever, even to a committee, he has to make concessions. Plus, he's a Rep. not a Sen. which means his hands are double-tied. So don't be so quick to blame him for a shitty vote -he has to do it by virtue of Congressional machinery. Of course, Suzanne did not have to give you a ridiculous answer, but she's a totally dumb bitch. But she can't tell you the truth, i.e., sometimes a congressman must vote against his constituents interests because that's the nature of the chamber. Of course, he may have just plain old sold out, as you claim, but I doubt it. Brian's a diehard Democrat. You should hold his feet to the fire, but read a little about how Congress works and it will help you to understand its kangaroo nature and why Brian may have voted for that. You KNOW Brian in no way believed in that bill. I did notice that Brian is on the Transportation Committee, I believe, and if there's anything NY needs it's highway money.

Cheers. (Please don't publish this or if you do, very anonymously.)

Nameless wuss,
Ohhh, so that's how it works! Great, we're getting highway money! Hey, maybe we can make a special lane for all the credit card usury victims to stand with their squeegees and spray bottles full of urine!

In reality, 73 Democrats (36.1%) voted for the bill, whereas 125 Democrats (62%) voted no. Face it; this was fundraising. Banks don't have smokestacks or thorny union issues, so unethical Democrats like to take their money and do their bidding. This little "concession" is bringing back debt slavery. But hey, those roads'll be shiny, so who cares, right?

 


IN POPE WE TRUST INC.

Pope heads a religious cult
He don't want you thinkin' for yourself
You ain't Catholic 'cause you wash your hair
When a heathen still lives inside your head
Nazi popes
Nazi popes
Nazi popes
Fuck off

-Roy LaPost

Roy,
You'll be the first to go
You'll be the first to go
You'll be the first to go
Unless you pray!

Two Dead Kennedys references on one page of letters! We're so punk rock!

 


…AND COLOREDS KNEW THEIR PLACE

I picked up your magazine (I use the term loosely), by mistake and believe me, it was a mistake! Have you never heard that using foul language is a sign of a small vocabulary and mind? I am offended by the language and left wing extremist wacko opinions in your "magazine." I am under fifty and not a prude, but I long for the days when people were actually polite, foul language was a no-no, people said please and thank you, and actually got dressed up for work, aero plane rides, religious services and ballgames. Ah, the good old days. I would think you would feel ashamed. Try going to church/temple sometime and using your mind for good.
Carol Woien

Carol,
Despite your protestations, you are clearly a prude, and likely an extremist whacko yourself. You are probably also ugly.

 


STOP MAKING CENTS

Fees for probationers is a very stupid idea.

Charging a fee of $35 a month to people who are on probation is ludicrous. People who steal and sell drugs have no way of paying the fee, that's why they steal and sell drugs in the first place. What would the probationers do to pay this fee? Rob a bank or sell more crack cocaine? Would judges sentence some violent criminals to probation instead of jail just so that it would build up the counties revenue? What would happen to probationers who wouldn't pay? Would they be sent to jail which costs Erie county taxpayers $40,000 a year?

A $35 a month fee for people on probation amounts up to $420 a year. If a probationeer violates his or her probation because they cannot pay and are sent to jail,it will cost over $100 a day to keep them behind bars. That amount would cost over $40,000.

So it would take just one violation of probation for not paying a fee that they canot afford to cancel out the paying of 100 people on probation. If just 100 people on probation are violated, out of the 8,000 people that are on probation, that would cost the county over 4 million dollars each year. Probationers would have no incentive and hope for early release if they have good behavior. There most likely will be more trouble and violence in the city and county.

Probationers would only been seen as a revenue source for the county. It's a dumb plan and it should be voted down. Let the people on probation pay their debt to society for the mistake that they made and not have them suffer a finacial debt that many cannot pay.

We'd see the ACLU, NYCLU, and civil lawyers suing Erie county costing us taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not more. It figures that this not too well thought out plan came from Joel Giambra.
James

James,
What did you expect? Since regular folks wouldn't swallow his regressive sales tax, Joel had to find an even poorer and less powerful segment of the population to shaft. You didn't think he was going to tax the upper classes or spend less, right? 'Cause that would be just silly.

 


BUT SWEARING MAKES YOU COOL

Dearest editors,
I am a loyal reader of The Beast, and I love reading the letters people send in. However, I really hate the patterns that these idiots use to try and harass the elder statesmen that you are. Here are some pointers to show these ignorant Nazi assholes.

To the angry readers:
For starters-- 3/8ths of an inch. Thats how far away the caps lock key is from the A key. It's also how far you have to reach to stop sounding like an asshole. Turn it off, douchebag.

Secondly, puncutation is an issue. Somehow Bush is leaving some children behind.

Third, don't even talk about your psycho-Christian bullshit. Obviously, the editors aren't in a position to see the light with you people, so shut the fuck up. I'm sick of hearing the same old paradox--"I'm against killing and torture but I'm wishing it on you". It's just fucking stupid and it makes you sound like a hypocrite.

And lastly, if you don't agree with this paper, then don't fucking read it! If your country is so "free" then you should have the "freedom" of not even touching this thing! Fucking idiots. I'll wipe my ass with the flag.

So, thats it. Keep up the excellent work! I'm looking forward to the next issue.
Mark

PS: Fuck Tom Cruise.

Mark,
Thanks, but we'd really rather not. Besides, when people type in all caps, it means they're seething with impotent rage. Don't mess with that; it's one of the sweet rewards of our work.

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