Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

So Taurus, you thought it would be really funny to attempt lighting a fart through that little rip in the crotch of your pants, thinking you might get more vibrant blue flame than you usually do. What you didn’t realize is that the methane gas from your fart would collect and ignite inside your pants, burning all the hair off your inner thighs and testicles, as well as searing your taint. That poor doctor struggled to keep a straight face as he explained how you were to apply the burn cream three times a day. Is there a lesson to be learned here, Taurus? I think so, but that is something we can talk about after your skin grows back—and I stop laughing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Hey Gemini, have you ever sat down to work on something important but instead end up trying to examine every mole and/or mark on your body in an attempt to determine whether or not you have cancer or some other horrific disease? Instead of accomplishing anything of value you whip yourself up into a terrible hypochondriac anxiety attack from the stress of maintaining a mental catalog of moles and your mind delivering fear-based worst case scenario nightmares for each entry. Don’t you know what I am talking about, Gemini? Of course you do, and so does that six-ounce growth hanging from your ear.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You really can’t feel bad about it, Cancer. I mean, what kind of fools would give you all area access to a building containing such a candy-like temptation as a forklift with the key in it? You bear no fault in anything that may come from such a discovery. Just like when I was eighteen, earning $3.75 and hour and some foolish company gave me a credit card with a two thousand dollar limit. Who is really at fault, Cancer? I think you know the answer. Now go forth and see how much stuff that fucker can lift.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Really Leo, I think it is time we discussed the whole popping your zits and smelling your fingers right in the middle of a conversation thing you do. First, it is just plain rude to the people you are talking to. Second, it is totally gross. Do you really find it of personal benefit to gauge the odor of your pus? If so, then do it in private because it is really disgusting. How would you like it, Leo, if in the middle of a friendly chat I gave my balls a good scratch and then smelled my fingers like they were a delicious roast? Give that some thought Leo; it might give you some perspective.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, I was giving some thought to those pesky security cameras all over the new building you are in and how they take the fun out of working late. Well I think you need to turn that frown upside down and see the opportunity for some high-end performance art. Hell, with some minimalist costumes and sets you could bring about the rebirth of silent film; just outline a script and go at it raw. When is the last time those security guards were exposed to real culture? Just take the idea and run with it Virgo, I’ll even give you your first story; "The naked forklift driver and his magic hat." It has Golden Globe written all over it.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Hey there Libra, I was thinking about you the other day while taking a shit. I know that may seem like an odd time to think about someone but for those of us in synch with the cosmos it is just another day at work. Anyhow, there I am shitting and reading a novel when all of the sudden SHAZAM! I am thinking about you, Libra. Nothing important really, just a standard thought about what a selfish prick you are and how funny it would be to see you chased around a large gymnasium by medium dog-sized spiders. Just a simple thought, Libra. See you around.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov 21)

Scorpio, I know you’re excited to see the new Star Wars movie and that you are going to the midnight show with all the other geeks and you will be dressed up in a costume for the occasion. Which is fine, except for the fact that you don’t dress up as any Star Wars related character, but rather as a Mexican wrestler. It just doesn’t make sense to me at all. Why would you be a Mexican wrestler when you can be a Jedi or Sith Lord? I’m sure it is really just about having an excuse to wear that silly outfit in public as opposed to your usual basement locale. Personally I just thing you’re an asshead, and I hope you get the shit kicked out of you by a fat guy dressed as Darth Maul.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

How are you doing, Sagittarius? Are you still upset because your girlfriend dumped you? I think that it is high time you got over it and found yourself a new girl. Just check yourself into rehab again, and I am sure you will find another lovely girl to bring home to mom and dad. Maybe this one won’t trade you television for smack. Keep your chin up, Sagittarius; your soul mate is out there just waiting for that special dose of Methadone.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Capricorn, in case you were wondering what happened to your good red satin sheets, you might want to talk to Scorpio about the cape he just made for his little Star Wars premiere outfit. I know you thought he threw out that mask and tights after you were married, but you may want to check above the drop ceiling panels in the basement. You may discover that El Chalupa Grande has been making regular appearances after you go to sleep at night. You may also find an evening dress far too large to be yours, covered in suspicious stains. As for the latter, I will let you play Sherlock.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)

Well Aquarius, you got a break last issue but don’t think I have forgotten about those magnificent boobs of yours and how my face should be buried in them for an extended period of time. You cannot be bringing those things around me on a regular basis and not expect me to have certain thoughts, and believe me when I say that I am not the only one. Come on Aquarius, you have to appreciate that fact that I have a direct link to the Cosmos and all I really want is some titty time with you.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, if you are ever lying in bed in so much pain due to an injury of sorts and you ask your roommate to give you some sort of ice pack like item to soothe your pain and after searching the freezer he asks; "Do you want french fries or corn on the cob?" Take the french fries, because frozen corn on the cob will not give you the malleability necessary for treatment. Then you need to sit back and examine your life while staring at the open bag of supermarket brand spud sticks you are using for pain relief. Reality can be comical and depressing at the same time, Pisces.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aries, everyone has their own little quirks and odd things they like to talk about but your obsession with bowel movements is becoming unpleasant. It was already kind of uncomfortable when you were only obsessed with your own bowel movements and the various details therein, but now that you’ve moved on to a general poop commentary it is getting nasty. It’s not just that you ask people if they took a good shit, it is the fact that you also ask for details; size, color, toilet paper usage, clean up time, etc. etc. I think it’s time you talked to a therapist about your little scat fetish and please don’t ever bring those pictures over again. You’re weird, Aries.