A lot of movies that come out have been sitting on a shelf for a while. This goes to show that even the least scrupulous of film executives are afraid to unload certain colossal pieces of crap onto the public. Or they’re just waiting for that one opportune moment, when the most gullible of filmgoers will bite. You know that one really mean low blow you’re waiting to use? Mindhunters is that line.

I read somewhere that Mindhunters has been sitting on a shelf for the last three years. After you finish watching it, you won’t wonder why. It’s a terrible movie that’s trying to skitch a ride on the "CSI" craze’s Hummer, and it copies Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians so obviously that only a terrible hack director like Renny Harlin could be delusional enough to tackle the project.

You remember Harlin. Cliffhanger. Cutthroat Island. Die Hard 2. Exorcist: The Beginning. I know that all directors are supposed to get the occasional "get out of jail free" card, but I don’t think a director’s entire career is supposed to be based on his inability to make a good movie.

Mindhunters stars Val Kilmer, Christian Slater, LL Cool J, and a bunch of people you haven’t heard of. Right now, Kilmer is sitting somewhere, telling himself that he knew this day would come, and crying himself to sleep.

I’m told it’s been a good 15 years since Jane Fonda has made a movie. Say what you like about her personal politics, or what were once her personal politics, but the woman’s a damn good actress.

So Fonda’s either ready for a comeback or she’s sick of daytime TV and exercise videos. I’m going to guess on the latter. Why else would Fonda opt to make a "comeback" with a remake of a Godzilla movie, playing a demented Barbara Walters clone squaring off against Jennifer Lopez in a series of cliched catfights? Alimony from Ted Turner running out? Or has she just reached the age where she doesn’t mind giving up and has decided that it’s okay to become a marketing tool? That there’s no shame in playing a concept instead of a character?

Welcome to the 21^st century, Jane. Welcome to the 21^st century.

Unleashed did something that a summer movie rarely does. It gave me hope for the rest of the summer. Hope that the next few months aren’t going to be filled with movies completely devoid of substance.

I don’t say this because Unleashed was a deep movie. Not at all. It was a series of really great fight scenes linked by metaphors for animal cruelty. What do you want? You see the commercial and you know what to expect. Especially from an American-made Jet Li movie.

I was given hope because I recently saw the law of averages in action. If you’re not familiar with the law of averages, it basically means that if you ask 100 women to sleep with you, a certain percentage of them is bound to say yes. If you’re looking for an example.

I got sucked into a sales job about two weeks back. They were like a cult. Dressed up in shirts and ties. Traveling to the outskirts of civilization to sell picture frames and remote control flying saucers. They sold nearly $500 worth of crap in a little over eight hours, and they got paid that day based on the law of averages.

Needless to say, I didn’t show up for my would-be first day of work. But I figure that if 100 movies are released this summer, at least five of them are bound to be good. As for Unleashed, it’s something to do if you don’t bother to show up for your first day of work, but it’s not really worth calling in for.