guide to what sucks and what doesn't on the silver screen
know, there is no end to the complete and utter ridiculousness
of which little league parents are capable. Oh sure, weíve
all seen the news footage on the Fox network of dads/coaches
reacting more objectionably than I do after I do 15 minutes
into an Ashton Kutcher movie. You always think, "what
an asshole..." and the whole thing makes you sick,
or at least it makes you laugh.
Normally, sports movies are
a trip to snooze city. Thereís always the task that a filmmaker
takes on of getting into the head of the obsessive coach/athlete
and their win-or-die philosophy of the sport. Itís really
annoying to me. Maybe itís my general apathy or inability
to relate to that mentality.
But throwing in Will Farrell
is disarming. The man is so funny on every level that you
get sucked in regardless of what the movieís about.
and Screaming gets into that worn out "team of
underdogs overcoming adversity" groove, not to mention
the obligatory cheesy scenes where the kids dance. In the
end, thereís a 1:1 funny to eye-rolling scene ratio. Thereís
nothing especially memorable in this movie; itís just really
designed as a kidís movie thatís a little less painful to
adults. And thatís just what it is.
A lot of movies
that come out have been sitting on a shelf for a while. This
goes to show that even the least scrupulous of film executives
are afraid to unload certain colossal pieces of crap onto
the public. Or theyíre just waiting for that one opportune
moment, when the most gullible of filmgoers will bite. You
know that one really mean low blow youíre waiting to use?
Mindhunters is that line.
I read somewhere
that Mindhunters has been sitting on a shelf for the
last three years. After you finish watching it, you wonít
wonder why. Itís a terrible movie thatís trying to skitch
a ride on the "CSI" crazeís Hummer, and it copies
Agatha Christieís Ten Little Indians so obviously that
only a terrible hack director like Renny Harlin could be delusional
enough to tackle the project.
You remember Harlin.
Cliffhanger. Cutthroat Island. Die Hard 2. Exorcist: The
Beginning. I know that all directors are supposed to get
the occasional "get out of jail free" card, but
I donít think a directorís entire career is supposed to be
based on his inability to make a good movie.
stars Val Kilmer, Christian Slater, LL Cool J, and a bunch
of people you havenít heard of. Right now, Kilmer is sitting
somewhere, telling himself that he knew this day would come,
and crying himself to sleep.
Iím told itís
been a good 15 years since Jane Fonda has made a movie. Say
what you like about her personal politics, or what were once
her personal politics, but the womanís a damn good actress.
So Fondaís either
ready for a comeback or sheís sick of daytime TV and exercise
videos. Iím going to guess on the latter. Why else would Fonda
opt to make a "comeback" with a remake of a Godzilla
movie, playing a demented Barbara Walters clone squaring off
against Jennifer Lopez in a series of cliched catfights? Alimony
from Ted Turner running out? Or has she just reached the age
where she doesnít mind giving up and has decided that itís
okay to become a marketing tool? That thereís no shame in
playing a concept instead of a character?
Welcome to the
21st century, Jane. Welcome to the 21st
did something that a summer movie rarely does. It gave me
hope for the rest of the summer. Hope that the next few months
arenít going to be filled with movies completely devoid of
I donít say this
because Unleashed was a deep movie. Not at all. It
was a series of really great fight scenes linked by metaphors
for animal cruelty. What do you want? You see the commercial
and you know what to expect. Especially from an American-made
Jet Li movie.
I was given hope
because I recently saw the law of averages in action. If youíre
not familiar with the law of averages, it basically means
that if you ask 100 women to sleep with you, a certain percentage
of them is bound to say yes. If youíre looking for an example.
I got sucked into
a sales job about two weeks back. They were like a cult. Dressed
up in shirts and ties. Traveling to the outskirts of civilization
to sell picture frames and remote control flying saucers.
They sold nearly $500 worth of crap in a little over eight
hours, and they got paid that day based on the law of averages.
Needless to say,
I didnít show up for my would-be first day of work. But I
figure that if 100 movies are released this summer, at least
five of them are bound to be good. As for Unleashed,
itís something to do if you donít bother to show up for your
first day of work, but itís not really worth calling in for.