YOUR OWN DAMN PAPER
despite my screeds about your lack of erudition, you know
I love you, right? You are a shining light of hope and reason
in a thoroughly messed up world. Or something.
I love your latest ruminations on Tom Cruise's dickness. Of
all the dicks that ever dicked, this dick is the dickiest
dick that ever dicked. Sure, all religions are cults, but
Scientology is probably the monster cult of all time, having
forced people to commit suicide because the amounts of money
that the Scientologists extracted were so outrageous.
still, your 50 most loathsome is your big claim to fame, let's
face it. Despite the fact that it was done on a 1-day deadline,
it has to be the most dead-on assessment of the truly repulsive
organisms living among us that anyone has ever seen. So, in
view of your continual pressing need for cash, isn't it time
to franchise this baby? You know, sort of like Time's Man
of the Year, but sort of opposity.
off, you have to tantalize us with your 50 Most Loathsome
2005 (First Draft) sometime around June. That way you can
get some feedback and maybe add a few. For example, Ahmad
Chalabi HAS to be in the running this year. He is the primary
reason the US went to war in Iraq, convinced Cheney that Iraq
had WMD (well, Cheney, another Top 50 candidate, wasn't hard
to convince). Was a featured guest at a Bush State of the
Union. Fed info to Iran. There's even speculation that he
got the US to topple Saddam because Iran wanted him toppled
but didn't want to fight the war themselves. If so, that's
just brilliant of course, but the Persians have been fighting
wars since the time of the Greeks, so they're no slouches
in war fighting.
that's not all. He then goes back to Iraq, thoroughly disgraced
and discredited. The crazy ass CPA raids his house and tries
to get him, but somehow miss. He goes to Iran and hides out
for a while, and when the Shiites win the elections he gets
installed as a Vice President in Charge of Oil. Holy Craporama
Batman! Every time he gets close to a large quantity of cash
some of it goes missing, and he's in charge of the Oil????!!!!
Oh yeah, definitely a Top 50 candidate this time. And the
US is definitely a candidate for Top 50 Most Gullible/Stupid
I digress, massively. Excuse my loghorrea. After publishing
your First Draft, sometime around October you should publish
the Bottom 50 of the Top 100 Most Loathsome for 2005. The
next week you should publish the Top 50. (That's right, there
should be 100, to have some buildup.) And then you should
let people vote to come up with the Buffalo Beast Loathsome
Man of the Year, which would be published in December.
any of this make sense? Am I getting through to you? Am I
if you can't get people to subscribe, or advertisers to put
up some ads, with that sort of buildup, then I spit on you,
I despise you and your marketing department, may you all rot
No, I love you guys, I said that. Keep it up gents.
hired. Now go get us some coffee.
reading the article on primary challenge by Allan Uthman I
have to agree with him on his sermon comments. I thought making
reference to abortion was way out of line. However as to the
the writers comments about people saying the pledge of allegiance
I can only say I am dumbfounded by the writers feelings. Why
saying the pledge is a bad thing escapes me. Is there any
more appropriate thing to do then say the pledge at a rally
dedicated to democracy? The writer was way out of line on
seemed to relish in telling that he didn't say the pledge
and that says volumes about his character. Kind of like a
little kid saying "na na na na I didnt do it, and you cant
make me" I'm sure a strapping young man who has never served
his country like the writer feels some type of glib joy at
thumbing his nose at the freedoms he enjoys that he never
worked for. To me that just seems childish and made the rest
of his opinions suspect.
up Uthman the sixties are over.
The sixties are over? Now what are we going do with all these
paisley shirts and bellbottoms? And the Jefferson Airplane
records? Damn it! As for growing up, the answer is no. Na
na na na we’re not gonna do it. Thanks for the freedom, though;
now stop telling us how to use it.
FOR THE UPDATE
choice for THE most despicable person of all time, excluding
Michael Jackson and mass murdering tyrants like Benjamin Harrison
and Ghengis Khan, goes to...how do you open this f... The
award goes to the king of the religerants, Pat Robertson!
Just read this from moveonpac:
Sunday morning, Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson
told TV viewers nation-wide that the threat posed by liberal
judges is "probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists
who fly into buildings." When an incredulous George Stephanopoulos
asked if Robertson really believed that these judges posed
"the most serious threat America has faced in nearly 400 years
of history, more serious than al Qaeda, more serious than
Nazi Germany and Japan, more serious than the Civil War?,"
he responded, "George, I really believe that."
gummi worm of a man should be put on a hook and fed to the
you think we don’t read the news? Besides, Robertson has a
point: Hitler just exterminated homosexuals, but activist
judges want them to get MARRIED! Eeek! And just imagine how
much worse the Nazis would have been if they carried gavels.
Those things pack a wallop!
want to know if someone at the beast can help me become mayor
don't know where to turn to ask questions on how to get started
i got a large following of people and would find it very appropriate
that i win this election with your help
help me out the board of elections won't take me seriously
you should try using punctuation.
Buffalo Beast folks:
was just re-reading the 2004 most loathsome people list, and
I realized why I enjoy it so much. The writing style reminds
me of an old '90s zine called Answer Me. Don't know if you've
ever heard of it. I'm just doing a Google search, and not
finding anything. Too bad. It was really great.
on, keepin' on!
Me! was a loved and hated misanthropic rag written by Jim
Goad, misogynist extraordinaire in ‘zine circles. It was involved
in an obscenity trial for its "rape issue," from
which it emerged triumphant. Goad has gone on to write books
and go to jail for domestic violence. All these facts and
more we just found out by entering the phrase "answer
me" at google.com. You’re not very good at this internet
thing, are you?
still reading, prease? Oh-kay, what’s happen, yeah?
I see your paper undah siege by Tom Cruise, Mista Rast Samurai
hisserf. Good-a for you. Here’s hope you make-a that Bullshito
Bushido pay for a-his crimes against a-cinema—and Mimi Rogers.
(She stah in unintentionarry hirarious anti-Japanese propaganda
fihm "Gung-a Ho" wissa vely, vely un-a-funny mehn,
Michah Keaton. I mean, who berieve Japanese bussinessmens
would embrace fecurent Westuhn cuhture, or that shiftress
round-eye serfs could appease their yerrow mastahs? Ah ha…ha
ha ha…ha ha.)
if-a Tom Cruise not a cokehead then I’m geneticarry rerated
to the Chinese. Ca-razy, I know. Nicoh Kidaman, for rear,
dude! Come on, she hideous, rook-a rike Pekingese—both kind.
I would-a not touch her for aw the China white in Shanghai.
Not even if she offah to defecate on my chest to the "Happy
Days" song and call me "Fonzie".
rear reason for writing is: I vely much a-desire to be intern.
I say that a-correctry, yes? Me, a Japanese, rike a to be
intern in Unita States, yes? Just-a rike my unkahs in Carifornia.
You intern a-me, yes? I urge a-you to considah. Else, maybe
I reave a shamefu stain in your office. You thought I say
seppuku, yeah, rike I heaht-a-brokens ovah no be interned?
No, instead more rike a gohden showa, rike I give to desperate,
provinciah Chinese prostitute.
why you worry about yo weight? Come-a to Japan, take place
of honah, just-a rike Yokozuna. Even get beautifuh Japanese
womens. No need even to rape Taiwanese girl on business-a
trip. Moh time for karaoke, yeah?
you rook a-great. We do lunch off a-hook, right? Hammertime,
yeah? Ret a-me know.
believe we can do business together.
there Buffalo Beast,
seems as though Bush and everyone in general has found it
very hard to come up with a way to save social security. I
believe that it is fairly simple. All that we have to do is
make marijuana legal, and in several years I'm sure this will
not even be a problem anymore. The war on drugs is a joke,
especially when it comes to pot. Pot is everywhere, and I
don't know one person who doesn't know how to get any. I remember
when I was in high school, it was a hell of a lot easier to
get than liquor, because liquor has regulation and doesn't
have a large underground ring. Not only would legalizing marijuana
make it harder for kids to get, but we would be able to put
all of the profits of what is now the 3rd largest cash crop
in the US back into our budget, primarily social security.
We would also save millions by taking a majority of drug dealers
out of prison. People are still going to do pot whether or
not it's illegal, so why not make it beneficial to everyone?
The druggies would get their fix, and we get to live comfortably
in our old age. And it will make it impossible for drug dealers
to use food stamps and yet still have money for a 50,000 car
because they have no regular paycheck, which eats me up inside.
So yeah, legalizing pot would just make the country better
for everyone, except maybe Ann Coulter. But i guess it can
be forgiven that she is such a bitch -- I would be too if
I was the spawn of a jackal.
a fellow Buffalonian
a great idea! We’ve got to draw up some specific proposals
and get them to some key congressmen right away! This could
really be the answer to our nation’s dilemma! Alexis, you’re
a genius! Like that guy in "A Beautiful Mind," you
ever see that movie? You know, with that guy…what’s his name…no,
not George Clooney…damn. Oh wait—Russell Crowe! He plays like,
some insane math genius or something. Ron Howard directed.
It was a pretty weird flick; you should check it out sometime.
a minute—what were we talking about? Oh well, must not have
been that important. Can we get another hit of that?
in the 70s, a cult called Children of God used to send out
cute young parishioners to attract unwary males who thought
they had a shot at these trolling babes and wound up stuck
in a cult instead.
called this "flirty fishing."
to me that Tom Cruise is Scientology's version of flirty fishing,
except that his dates who visit the "church" wind up breaking
up with him rather than joining Scientology.
it make more sense, if he's really such a lonely boy, to date
pre-indoctrinated Scientology actresses? I hear Kirstie Alley's
Alley isn’t physically flawless enough for someone who can
barely stomach women in the first place. Lea Remini’s starting
to pork out too. And, as most have already guessed, Jenna
Elfman is actually an android.
When i was going to get the beast with my friend some old
fat guy in a truck told us we don't need those papers and
to get away from the box. So I said I know god forbid anyone
read in america. My other friend said Hes not the only one
supporting illiteracy. A Reference of course to the No child
left behind act. So remember to stay from words; they may
may hurt you, but a well-thrown balloon full of urine is much
more horrifying. Next time you see this guy, think of these
ON TROLL VIOLENCE
live in Boca and I go to criags list rant and rave There is
some chick and some guy(i think) that continue to blast your
work,i looked at your on line articles,and I happen to think
that you are a genius. keep up the good work you seem to have
shook up starbuck's wannabe crowd.
just mad because they make us say stupid words like "venti."
We find great merit in your "genius" comment.
DOGMAS OF WAR
forwarding this to you to let you know where I stand and encourage
you to lend your voices to this argument. We don't need to
organize. That's a weakness. Just write a letter to a local
publication. Let's provide some balance to the local media
wholeheartedly support the base closing. But you needn't worry.
This is much sound and fury signifying nothing. A chance for
Reynolds and all the local pols to play hero. The deeper issue
is militarism and how our addiction to it is economically
manifested. If the base is closed, the feds will have to deal
with all the waste that's stored there. It would be like uncovering
a rock that they know many ugly things are crawling under.
This is merely an exercise by the political class to demonstrate
that "democracy" works in America. This charade is particularly
important at a time our local governments are being taken
over by control boards. Did you ever think that the air base's
very existence, a remnant of what occurred in the Falls re:
development of the bomb, is what's holding this area back?
sure that you're wise enough to know that when everyone, and
I mean everyone in the so-called news media and political
class, are in agreement about something it's usually bad news.
Especially in an area that's suffered a profound talent and
brain drain. I'm sure the air base staying open, keeping local
secrets intact, will encourage the return of the Niagara diaspora.
sure makes sense that the root cause of economic depression
is karma. That must be why the native Americans are doing
so well, and white men are in such dire straits. People, let’s
all thank Don Rumsfeld for ridding us of this awful karmic
burden, and all that terrible money it spreads like a virus
throughout the community. And for ridding us of the curse
of militarism, and moving it to the states that voted Bush.
coward I don't know who you are because you did not have the
balls to put your name to the article which mentioned me ["Great
White Dope," issue 74] ,but if your sorry ass was
in a bind someday you would thank your lucky stars to have
me in your corner.Instead you are like the bully who hides
behind the shithouse door and sucker punches the high school
quarterback because he is everything you aren't and could
never be.One thing for sure journalist you are not.
Paul, are you retarded? You found my name at the top of the
masthead as the publisher, and that's all you need. So
can the coward shit. If you've got a problem or you think
you're going to kick someone’s ass, you’ve found the right
guy. I am ultimately responsible for everything in the paper,
even if I don't agree with it.
here goes: The Beast officially apologizes to your clients
for the way they were characterized. That was wrong (except
Mesi, he's just stupid if he’s willing to risk sudden death
for a paycheck). You have helped a lot of people, and we believe
in the presumption of innocence. Your skills as an attorney
are without question. Your Napoleon complex, on the other
hand, is also well known. So what can we tell you? You're
a great attorney who's kind of an egotistical asshole, but
you already knew that.