GET YOUR OWN DAMN PAPER

Boys, despite my screeds about your lack of erudition, you know I love you, right? You are a shining light of hope and reason in a thoroughly messed up world. Or something.

And I love your latest ruminations on Tom Cruise's dickness. Of all the dicks that ever dicked, this dick is the dickiest dick that ever dicked. Sure, all religions are cults, but Scientology is probably the monster cult of all time, having forced people to commit suicide because the amounts of money that the Scientologists extracted were so outrageous.

But still, your 50 most loathsome is your big claim to fame, let's face it. Despite the fact that it was done on a 1-day deadline, it has to be the most dead-on assessment of the truly repulsive organisms living among us that anyone has ever seen. So, in view of your continual pressing need for cash, isn't it time to franchise this baby? You know, sort of like Time's Man of the Year, but sort of opposity.

First off, you have to tantalize us with your 50 Most Loathsome 2005 (First Draft) sometime around June. That way you can get some feedback and maybe add a few. For example, Ahmad Chalabi HAS to be in the running this year. He is the primary reason the US went to war in Iraq, convinced Cheney that Iraq had WMD (well, Cheney, another Top 50 candidate, wasn't hard to convince). Was a featured guest at a Bush State of the Union. Fed info to Iran. There's even speculation that he got the US to topple Saddam because Iran wanted him toppled but didn't want to fight the war themselves. If so, that's just brilliant of course, but the Persians have been fighting wars since the time of the Greeks, so they're no slouches in war fighting.

But that's not all. He then goes back to Iraq, thoroughly disgraced and discredited. The crazy ass CPA raids his house and tries to get him, but somehow miss. He goes to Iran and hides out for a while, and when the Shiites win the elections he gets installed as a Vice President in Charge of Oil. Holy Craporama Batman! Every time he gets close to a large quantity of cash some of it goes missing, and he's in charge of the Oil????!!!! Oh yeah, definitely a Top 50 candidate this time. And the US is definitely a candidate for Top 50 Most Gullible/Stupid People.

But I digress, massively. Excuse my loghorrea. After publishing your First Draft, sometime around October you should publish the Bottom 50 of the Top 100 Most Loathsome for 2005. The next week you should publish the Top 50. (That's right, there should be 100, to have some buildup.) And then you should let people vote to come up with the Buffalo Beast Loathsome Man of the Year, which would be published in December.

Does any of this make sense? Am I getting through to you? Am I speaking Farsi?

Now, if you can't get people to subscribe, or advertisers to put up some ads, with that sort of buildup, then I spit on you, I despise you and your marketing department, may you all rot in ...

Wait. No, I love you guys, I said that. Keep it up gents.

Fast Eddy

Eddy,

You’re hired. Now go get us some coffee.

LOYALTY OAF

After reading the article on primary challenge by Allan Uthman I have to agree with him on his sermon comments. I thought making reference to abortion was way out of line. However as to the the writers comments about people saying the pledge of allegiance I can only say I am dumbfounded by the writers feelings. Why saying the pledge is a bad thing escapes me. Is there any more appropriate thing to do then say the pledge at a rally dedicated to democracy? The writer was way out of line on that one.

Uthman seemed to relish in telling that he didn't say the pledge and that says volumes about his character. Kind of like a little kid saying "na na na na I didnt do it, and you cant make me" I'm sure a strapping young man who has never served his country like the writer feels some type of glib joy at thumbing his nose at the freedoms he enjoys that he never worked for. To me that just seems childish and made the rest of his opinions suspect.

Grow up Uthman the sixties are over.

Webmaster

Webmaster,

Wait—what? The sixties are over? Now what are we going do with all these paisley shirts and bellbottoms? And the Jefferson Airplane records? Damn it! As for growing up, the answer is no. Na na na na we’re not gonna do it. Thanks for the freedom, though; now stop telling us how to use it.

THANKS FOR THE UPDATE

My choice for THE most despicable person of all time, excluding Michael Jackson and mass murdering tyrants like Benjamin Harrison and Ghengis Khan, goes to...how do you open this f... The award goes to the king of the religerants, Pat Robertson! Just read this from moveonpac:

On Sunday morning, Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson told TV viewers nation-wide that the threat posed by liberal judges is "probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings." When an incredulous George Stephanopoulos asked if Robertson really believed that these judges posed "the most serious threat America has faced in nearly 400 years of history, more serious than al Qaeda, more serious than Nazi Germany and Japan, more serious than the Civil War?," he responded, "George, I really believe that."

This gummi worm of a man should be put on a hook and fed to the gummi fish.

Rick McGirr

Rick,

What, you think we don’t read the news? Besides, Robertson has a point: Hitler just exterminated homosexuals, but activist judges want them to get MARRIED! Eeek! And just imagine how much worse the Nazis would have been if they carried gavels. Those things pack a wallop!

MAYOR LOWERCASE

i want to know if someone at the beast can help me become mayor of buffalo

i don't know where to turn to ask questions on how to get started i got a large following of people and would find it very appropriate that i win this election with your help

please help me out the board of elections won't take me seriously

mungjuice

Mungjuice,

Maybe you should try using punctuation.

NOT TOO BRIGHT

Dear Buffalo Beast folks:

I was just re-reading the 2004 most loathsome people list, and I realized why I enjoy it so much. The writing style reminds me of an old '90s zine called Answer Me. Don't know if you've ever heard of it. I'm just doing a Google search, and not finding anything. Too bad. It was really great.

Keep on, keepin' on!

beth renaud

Beth,

Answer Me! was a loved and hated misanthropic rag written by Jim Goad, misogynist extraordinaire in ‘zine circles. It was involved in an obscenity trial for its "rape issue," from which it emerged triumphant. Goad has gone on to write books and go to jail for domestic violence. All these facts and more we just found out by entering the phrase "answer me" at google.com. You’re not very good at this internet thing, are you?

JUST PLAIN OFFENSIVE

Konnichiwa Buffaro Beast:

You still reading, prease? Oh-kay, what’s happen, yeah?

Ah-sos, I see your paper undah siege by Tom Cruise, Mista Rast Samurai hisserf. Good-a for you. Here’s hope you make-a that Bullshito Bushido pay for a-his crimes against a-cinema—and Mimi Rogers. (She stah in unintentionarry hirarious anti-Japanese propaganda fihm "Gung-a Ho" wissa vely, vely un-a-funny mehn, Michah Keaton. I mean, who berieve Japanese bussinessmens would embrace fecurent Westuhn cuhture, or that shiftress round-eye serfs could appease their yerrow mastahs? Ah ha…ha ha ha…ha ha.)

Rook, if-a Tom Cruise not a cokehead then I’m geneticarry rerated to the Chinese. Ca-razy, I know. Nicoh Kidaman, for rear, dude! Come on, she hideous, rook-a rike Pekingese—both kind. I would-a not touch her for aw the China white in Shanghai. Not even if she offah to defecate on my chest to the "Happy Days" song and call me "Fonzie".

Rook, rear reason for writing is: I vely much a-desire to be intern. I say that a-correctry, yes? Me, a Japanese, rike a to be intern in Unita States, yes? Just-a rike my unkahs in Carifornia. You intern a-me, yes? I urge a-you to considah. Else, maybe I reave a shamefu stain in your office. You thought I say seppuku, yeah, rike I heaht-a-brokens ovah no be interned? No, instead more rike a gohden showa, rike I give to desperate, provinciah Chinese prostitute.

Hey, why you worry about yo weight? Come-a to Japan, take place of honah, just-a rike Yokozuna. Even get beautifuh Japanese womens. No need even to rape Taiwanese girl on business-a trip. Moh time for karaoke, yeah?

Oh-kay, you rook a-great. We do lunch off a-hook, right? Hammertime, yeah? Ret a-me know.

Sayonara, S. Agamoto

Mr. Agamoto,

We believe we can do business together.

JUST SAY YES

Hello there Buffalo Beast,

It seems as though Bush and everyone in general has found it very hard to come up with a way to save social security. I believe that it is fairly simple. All that we have to do is make marijuana legal, and in several years I'm sure this will not even be a problem anymore. The war on drugs is a joke, especially when it comes to pot. Pot is everywhere, and I don't know one person who doesn't know how to get any. I remember when I was in high school, it was a hell of a lot easier to get than liquor, because liquor has regulation and doesn't have a large underground ring. Not only would legalizing marijuana make it harder for kids to get, but we would be able to put all of the profits of what is now the 3rd largest cash crop in the US back into our budget, primarily social security. We would also save millions by taking a majority of drug dealers out of prison. People are still going to do pot whether or not it's illegal, so why not make it beneficial to everyone? The druggies would get their fix, and we get to live comfortably in our old age. And it will make it impossible for drug dealers to use food stamps and yet still have money for a 50,000 car because they have no regular paycheck, which eats me up inside. So yeah, legalizing pot would just make the country better for everyone, except maybe Ann Coulter. But i guess it can be forgiven that she is such a bitch -- I would be too if I was the spawn of a jackal.

All my regards,

Alexis, a fellow Buffalonian

Alexis,

What a great idea! We’ve got to draw up some specific proposals and get them to some key congressmen right away! This could really be the answer to our nation’s dilemma! Alexis, you’re a genius! Like that guy in "A Beautiful Mind," you ever see that movie? You know, with that guy…what’s his name…no, not George Clooney…damn. Oh wait—Russell Crowe! He plays like, some insane math genius or something. Ron Howard directed. It was a pretty weird flick; you should check it out sometime.

Wait a minute—what were we talking about? Oh well, must not have been that important. Can we get another hit of that?

BOD IS LOVE

Back in the 70s, a cult called Children of God used to send out cute young parishioners to attract unwary males who thought they had a shot at these trolling babes and wound up stuck in a cult instead.

They called this "flirty fishing."

Seems to me that Tom Cruise is Scientology's version of flirty fishing, except that his dates who visit the "church" wind up breaking up with him rather than joining Scientology.

Wouldn't it make more sense, if he's really such a lonely boy, to date pre-indoctrinated Scientology actresses? I hear Kirstie Alley's "lookin!"

Barb

Barb,

Kirstie Alley isn’t physically flawless enough for someone who can barely stomach women in the first place. Lea Remini’s starting to pork out too. And, as most have already guessed, Jenna Elfman is actually an android.

POSSIBLE MAYOR SIGHTING

Today When i was going to get the beast with my friend some old fat guy in a truck told us we don't need those papers and to get away from the box. So I said I know god forbid anyone read in america. My other friend said Hes not the only one supporting illiteracy. A Reference of course to the No child left behind act. So remember to stay from words; they may hurt you.

From,

Rashid and Uday

R and U,

Words may hurt you, but a well-thrown balloon full of urine is much more horrifying. Next time you see this guy, think of these words.

TROLL ON TROLL VIOLENCE

I live in Boca and I go to criags list rant and rave There is some chick and some guy(i think) that continue to blast your work,i looked at your on line articles,and I happen to think that you are a genius. keep up the good work you seem to have shook up starbuck's wannabe crowd.

Kevin McKinley

Kevin,

We’re just mad because they make us say stupid words like "venti." We find great merit in your "genius" comment.

THE DOGMAS OF WAR

I'm forwarding this to you to let you know where I stand and encourage you to lend your voices to this argument. We don't need to organize. That's a weakness. Just write a letter to a local publication. Let's provide some balance to the local media coverage.

Dear Mr. Agnello,

I wholeheartedly support the base closing. But you needn't worry. This is much sound and fury signifying nothing. A chance for Reynolds and all the local pols to play hero. The deeper issue is militarism and how our addiction to it is economically manifested. If the base is closed, the feds will have to deal with all the waste that's stored there. It would be like uncovering a rock that they know many ugly things are crawling under. This is merely an exercise by the political class to demonstrate that "democracy" works in America. This charade is particularly important at a time our local governments are being taken over by control boards. Did you ever think that the air base's very existence, a remnant of what occurred in the Falls re: development of the bomb, is what's holding this area back?

I'm sure that you're wise enough to know that when everyone, and I mean everyone in the so-called news media and political class, are in agreement about something it's usually bad news. Especially in an area that's suffered a profound talent and brain drain. I'm sure the air base staying open, keeping local secrets intact, will encourage the return of the Niagara diaspora.

Peace,

Chuck Richardson

www.bastardpolitics.com

Chuck,

It sure makes sense that the root cause of economic depression is karma. That must be why the native Americans are doing so well, and white men are in such dire straits. People, let’s all thank Don Rumsfeld for ridding us of this awful karmic burden, and all that terrible money it spreads like a virus throughout the community. And for ridding us of the curse of militarism, and moving it to the states that voted Bush. Those suckers!

DEFENSIVE ATTORNEY

Look coward I don't know who you are because you did not have the balls to put your name to the article which mentioned me ["Great White Dope," issue 74] ,but if your sorry ass was in a bind someday you would thank your lucky stars to have me in your corner.Instead you are like the bully who hides behind the shithouse door and sucker punches the high school quarterback because he is everything you aren't and could never be.One thing for sure journalist you are not.

Paul Cambria

Our publisher responds:

Hey Paul, are you retarded? You found my name at the top of the masthead as the publisher, and that's all you need. So can the coward shit. If you've got a problem or you think you're going to kick someone’s ass, you’ve found the right guy. I am ultimately responsible for everything in the paper, even if I don't agree with it.

So here goes: The Beast officially apologizes to your clients for the way they were characterized. That was wrong (except Mesi, he's just stupid if he’s willing to risk sudden death for a paycheck). You have helped a lot of people, and we believe in the presumption of innocence. Your skills as an attorney are without question. Your Napoleon complex, on the other hand, is also well known. So what can we tell you? You're a great attorney who's kind of an egotistical asshole, but you already knew that.

Later, Paul Fallon