Blind Date Scenario
by Ian Murphy: Maria Garcia vs Chuck Norris
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You hear Maria’s beat-up van rattle its way up your
street and you head out the door to meet her. She brings
the rusted Chevy to a screeching halt at the end of
the driveway as the passenger door swings open, almost
smashing you in the face.
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Anticipating Norris’ arrival, you glance through the
peephole in your front door and notice him perched high
above your head, precariously wedged between the walls
of the front foyer, dressed entirely in black with a
white rose between his toothy grin.
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“¡La prisa para arriba, consigue adentro!” she shouts
as you hurriedly climb in. You pause a moment, noticing
the Jesus figurine on the dash. She stomps on the gas
and turns abruptly, throwing you from the cab. You desperately
cling to an ashtray in the door as she drags you for 3
full blocks. |
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Before you have time to be surprised, Norris drops to
the ground and performs a spinning back kick, sending
your door into the front lawn, then scoops you up onto
his shoulder and carries you off into the woods behind
your house. You struggle vainly to break free of his iron
grip as he enthusiastically touts to you the benefits
of the Bowflex Ultimate 2 Total Fitness Solution. “It’s
an endorsement I can feel good about,” he says. |
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You finally manage to climb in and shut the van door while
she slows to poke a sharpened broom handle through a hole
in the back wall of the cab. You hear a muffled cry from
the back of the van: “Aieee, párelo usted perra loca.
¡Déjenos libremente!” You ask what that noise was and
she raises her hand, threatening to strike you. |
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Chuck Norris carries you down an embankment to a flowing
creek and assures you, “we are safe now.” “Where the hell
are we going?” you demand. Norris squints at you intensely.
“Somewhere with chopsticks,” he says. “Hop in,” Norris
commands as he clears the brush off of his two-person
stealth submarine. |
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Garcia sizes you up and asks if you are a hard worker.
She grabs her CB and says “I think we’ve got one that
will fetch a handsome price! Over.” You demand an explanation
of what she’s talking about. She ignores you and asks
what you expect to be paid “per acre.” |
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“Up periscope!” Norris shouts, pushing what appears to
be an empty paper towel tube through a hole in the ceiling
of the sub. He asks you about your job and advises you
to focus your chi. The sub begins taking on water.
After covering the sub with twigs, Norris scoops up some
mud from the creek bed, and romantically smears it on
your face for camouflage. |
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After driving a while, you pull off onto a dirt road and
come to a stop in front a series of small wooden shacks.
“Get out!” Maria orders, jabbing you with the broom handle
and drawing some blood. “Before we eat,” she says, “you
see that patch of flowers over there? Why don’t you be
a sweetheart and pick me some while I unload the van?” |
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You attempt to make conversation, but Norris insists on
communicating through military hand signals. You follow
him down a muddy trail; he stops and holds up his fist
slowly pulling it down, urging you to “hold position.”
Norris crawls on his belly to you and whispers, “I’m having
a great time.” |
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You hear chains rattling in the direction of the van through
the darkness. “¡Prisa encima de mi esclavo nuevo querido!”
Maria shouts affectionately in your direction. With a
bundle of tulips in hand, you proudly run to her. She
clicks a button on a stopwatch and says you have “talent.” |
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You begin to hear traffic. You both crawl through a patch
of thorn bushes and emerge behind a guardrail across the
street from a Chinese restaurant Norris claims he first
visited with Bruce Lee and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar while filming
Game of Death. It is a bitter memory, he explains,
because they ate all his crab rangoons while he was in
the bathroom. |
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Maria says her 11 roommates are inside preparing “Cocina
Mexicana Auténtica.” She undoes 3 padlocks outside the
door, ushers you into the squalid shack, bolts the door
behind you. She introduces you to her “roommates,” all
of whom, apparently, are named Juan. She introduces you
as Juan as well. |
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Chuck Norris’ apelike face glints in the candlelight as
you eat. He assumes a smirk and pulls a large box from
under his chair, insisting you open it. To your surprise,
inside there is a black leather duster, a cowboy hat and
a fine pair of snakeskin boots. Norris looks deep into
your eyes and asks, “will you do me the honor of being
my junior ranger?” |
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Maria Garcia, convicted slave trader, looks you in the
eye and says, “this is the best date I’ve ever been on.
Gracias Juan.” She says she forgot to buy sour cream and
she will be right back. You go to the door and realize
it has once again been locked from the outside. The other
Juans laugh, for the first time in months. You never see
her again. |
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You explain to him that things are moving a little too
fast. His smile fades. “You want me to slow down?” he
hisses at you. “Fine.” Norris glares at you as he rises
from his chair and launches into a two minute slow-motion
jump-kick through the restaurant’s front window. You never
see him again. |
