Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

June 1 - 15, 2005

Issue #76

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

The CyberCloset
A Chance Encounter

by Allan Uthman

 
Monkey Business
A Different Kind of Crusade
by Matt Taibbi
 
Jack Davis vs China
Trade Protectionist Gets His Party Started
by Matt Higgins
 
War on Drugs or Just War?
Plan Colombia Stays Aloft
by John Myers
 

Newsreek
Anonymous Sources Under Fire--Sometimes

by Matt Taibbi

 

Lonely Revolution
Free Buffalo, but Nobody's Buying

by Matt Higgins

 

Are You an Evil Genius?
Take the Quiz
by N. Sorrenti

 

Get Your Blog On
Helpful Tips
for Newbies

 
  
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ISSUE#76PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Page 3
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner
[SIC] - Your Letters
 
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Blind Date Scenario by Ian Murphy: Maria Garcia vs Chuck Norris

• You hear Maria’s beat-up van rattle its way up your street and you head out the door to meet her. She brings the rusted Chevy to a screeching halt at the end of the driveway as the passenger door swings open, almost smashing you in the face.

 

• Anticipating Norris’ arrival, you glance through the peephole in your front door and notice him perched high above your head, precariously wedged between the walls of the front foyer, dressed entirely in black with a white rose between his toothy grin.

• “¡La prisa para arriba, consigue adentro!” she shouts as you hurriedly climb in. You pause a moment, noticing the Jesus figurine on the dash. She stomps on the gas and turns abruptly, throwing you from the cab. You desperately cling to an ashtray in the door as she drags you for 3 full blocks.   • Before you have time to be surprised, Norris drops to the ground and performs a spinning back kick, sending your door into the front lawn, then scoops you up onto his shoulder and carries you off into the woods behind your house. You struggle vainly to break free of his iron grip as he enthusiastically touts to you the benefits of the Bowflex Ultimate 2 Total Fitness Solution. “It’s an endorsement I can feel good about,” he says.
• You finally manage to climb in and shut the van door while she slows to poke a sharpened broom handle through a hole in the back wall of the cab. You hear a muffled cry from the back of the van: “Aieee, párelo usted perra loca. ¡Déjenos libremente!” You ask what that noise was and she raises her hand, threatening to strike you.   • Chuck Norris carries you down an embankment to a flowing creek and assures you, “we are safe now.” “Where the hell are we going?” you demand. Norris squints at you intensely. “Somewhere with chopsticks,” he says. “Hop in,” Norris commands as he clears the brush off of his two-person stealth submarine.
• Garcia sizes you up and asks if you are a hard worker. She grabs her CB and says “I think we’ve got one that will fetch a handsome price! Over.” You demand an explanation of what she’s talking about. She ignores you and asks what you expect to be paid “per acre.”   • “Up periscope!” Norris shouts, pushing what appears to be an empty paper towel tube through a hole in the ceiling of the sub. He asks you about your job and advises you to focus your chi. The sub begins taking on water. After covering the sub with twigs, Norris scoops up some mud from the creek bed, and romantically smears it on your face for camouflage.
• After driving a while, you pull off onto a dirt road and come to a stop in front a series of small wooden shacks. “Get out!” Maria orders, jabbing you with the broom handle and drawing some blood. “Before we eat,” she says, “you see that patch of flowers over there? Why don’t you be a sweetheart and pick me some while I unload the van?”   • You attempt to make conversation, but Norris insists on communicating through military hand signals. You follow him down a muddy trail; he stops and holds up his fist slowly pulling it down, urging you to “hold position.” Norris crawls on his belly to you and whispers, “I’m having a great time.”
• You hear chains rattling in the direction of the van through the darkness. “¡Prisa encima de mi esclavo nuevo querido!” Maria shouts affectionately in your direction. With a bundle of tulips in hand, you proudly run to her. She clicks a button on a stopwatch and says you have “talent.”   • You begin to hear traffic. You both crawl through a patch of thorn bushes and emerge behind a guardrail across the street from a Chinese restaurant Norris claims he first visited with Bruce Lee and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar while filming Game of Death. It is a bitter memory, he explains, because they ate all his crab rangoons while he was in the bathroom.
• Maria says her 11 roommates are inside preparing “Cocina Mexicana Auténtica.” She undoes 3 padlocks outside the door, ushers you into the squalid shack, bolts the door behind you. She introduces you to her “roommates,” all of whom, apparently, are named Juan. She introduces you as Juan as well.   • Chuck Norris’ apelike face glints in the candlelight as you eat. He assumes a smirk and pulls a large box from under his chair, insisting you open it. To your surprise, inside there is a black leather duster, a cowboy hat and a fine pair of snakeskin boots. Norris looks deep into your eyes and asks, “will you do me the honor of being my junior ranger?”
• Maria Garcia, convicted slave trader, looks you in the eye and says, “this is the best date I’ve ever been on. Gracias Juan.” She says she forgot to buy sour cream and she will be right back. You go to the door and realize it has once again been locked from the outside. The other Juans laugh, for the first time in months. You never see her again.   • You explain to him that things are moving a little too fast. His smile fades. “You want me to slow down?” he hisses at you. “Fine.” Norris glares at you as he rises from his chair and launches into a two minute slow-motion jump-kick through the restaurant’s front window. You never see him again.
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