on a True Story
By Allan Uthman
[Editor’s note: The following messages were posted
to a chat room on gay.com the evening of June first,
Bigbadwolf69: Who’s up for some action?
What are you wearing?
Bigbadwolf69: That’s so corny! Let’s cut the chit chat
and get to the heavy stuff.
Well, aren’t we impatient! Cmon, humor me…
Bigbadwolf69: LOL! Fine. To be honest, I’m wearing
a leather choker and black satin panties…my package
is practically busting out…
Ooooohh….that’s so bad! Do you always dress like that?
Bigbadwolf69: Under my clothes, yeah. I have to wear
a suit at work.
That’s hot. What do you do?
Bigbadwolf: Well…don’t tell anyone, I’m a prominent
LOL you’re kidding! Me too! Who do you work for?
Bigbadwolf69: How do I know you’re not a journalist,
like that guy from Spokane who busted Jim West?
Don’t worry, he’ll be taken care of – seriously, it’s
Bigbadwolf69: Let’s just say I work for very powerful
people in Washington.
Bigbadwolf69: I put them into power, and I keep them
there. You could say I’m sort of a really advanced PR
guy. They call me “Turd Blossom.”
OMG Karl? Is that you?
rough: Karl, it’s me, Ken!
Bigbadwolf69: Ken who?
Mehlman—duh, who else?
Bigbadwolf69: Come on! Oh God! I was talking about
Yeah, and your package. Eeeeew! Freaky!
Bigbadwolf69: LMAO! What are the odds! How are things
at the RNC?
We’re taking bets on how long until the Dems just close
Bigbadwolf69: Hah! Watch out for Dean, though, right?
Well, as long as we keep hammering the ‘crazy’ thing
it shouldn’t be too bad.
Bigbadwolf69: Yeah, the pundits are good like that.
They just can’t match us for funding. Business has the
$$ and we’re their boys. How’s the White House?
Bigbadwolf69: Fucking pain in the ass. Security’s so
tight, you can’t squeeze an escort past the guards.
Ever since Gannon got bounced I’m totally hard up. But
things have gone well with the estate tax and bankruptcy
That’s ‘death tax’ Karl, come on now…
Bigbadwolf69: Whatever, we’re not on camera, Ken. The
war, on the other hand, is a constant pain in the ass.
That Downing Street memo, thank God nobody seems to
give a shit, but, you know, very sloppy. I wish these
guys thought ahead a little more.
yourself, Rove. You know who runs this show.
Hi guys. This is kind of awkward.
OMG No way! Hi Mr. VP!
Bigbadwolf69: Hold on. How do we know it’s you?
You have a hollowed out copy of 1984 in your office,
in which you keep the best heroin I’ve ever booted.
Bigbadwolf69: Holy shit LOFL! This is amazing! How
did we all wind up here?
I decided to try it after reading that article in the
Bigbadwolf69: Yeah, that was it for me too!
Actually, I’m on here a lot.
Listen, don’t tell anyone I was in here, OK? My doctors
don’t want me getting excited.
Well, no chance of that now, is there? LOL
Bigbadwolf69: Hey, Dick, while I’ve got you, what are
we doing about the human rights thing?
What human rights thing?
Bigbadwolf69: You know, Guantanamo.
What about it?
Bigbadwolf69: Well, you know…let’s see…this last week,
a judge ordered the release of more torture photos,
Tom Friedman said Gitmo should be closed down in the
NYT, and Amnesty International said it was the “gulag
of our times.”
Friedman’s an idiot. What do you suggest?
Bigbadwolf69: I think we move aggressively on AI. Smear
the crap out of ‘em.
We could start a 527!
Bigbadwolf69: Exactly. “Political Prisoners Against
Amnesty International” or something.
God, you’re good at that, Karl.
Bigbadwolf69: It’s a gift. ;-)
GWBuff: hey guys! its George! HAHA how did we all wind
up on the same site?
Bigbadwolf69: Mr President, what are you doing in here?
GWBuff: andy read me some article about the mayor of
spokan or something. I just thought gay.com sounds real
funny! is that why you’re in here too?
Bigbadwolf69: Of course, sir.
Listen, if this gets back to me, you’re all dead. I
just hope you understand the severity of my revenge.
That goes for any FBI agents monitoring this too. Fiery
hell. Dead children. Hands dipped in liquid nitrogen
and shattered off. Understand?
Jesus, Dick, relax. Your ticker…
Fuck you Ken, you little fairy. I’m 100% serious here.
My wife thinks I’m briefing Condi.
GWBuff: I wouldnt mind breifing her myself! IF you
know what I mean, eh! HA!
Bigbadwolf69: We know, Dick…we all know. Chill. None
of us spilled the beans about Wellstone, right?
That was your idea!
Bigbadwolf69: Great, Dick, just tell everyone. All
I’m saying is, I think it’s mutually understood—we have
a quorum, you know?
GWBuff: hey karl what’s a quorum
Bigbadwolf69: Mr. President, shouldn’t you be getting
to bed? You have a town hall in the morning.
GWBuff: awesome, I love those things! people are so
nice, it’s nothing like what they say it is on the tv.
shit! laura’s calling! Freedom is definitely not on
the march over here fellas!
Bigbadwolf69: ROFL Good one POTUS!
GWBuff: one more thing guys…those amensty intranatonal
guys I said that stuff about today…they really hate
Bigbadwolf69: Oh yes, sir! Most definitely!
No question there, sir.
GWBuff: Cuz I remember when U2 did joshua tree--killer
album, BTW--and live aid and all that social conscios
music was big in the 80’s and everyone was big into
amenesty inertational…..weren’t they good then, either?
Well, that’s difficult…
Bigbadwolf69: Amnesty International used to focus on
other nations then, sir. Now they’ve turned on us.
GWBuff: yeah, but we’re not doing a lot of that stuff
they say we are, right? what’s a gulag anyway?
It’s a prison, sir. A particularly cruel one where prisoners
suffer great hardship.
GWBuff: but were they full of terrorists?
Well, they probably called them terrorists. But the
Soviets jailed a lot of intellectual dissidents there,
Bigbadwolf69: Yeah, and they made them work.
GWBuff: wait a minute…thats a grate idea! talk about
killing 2 birds and such.
Well, I suppose we could give them work…call it therapy
Hey, not bad, Mr. President!
GWBuff: im just getting started chuckles. now what
was that other thing you just said? about the other
people in them gulags? ineffectual diffidents?
Bigbadwolf69: Dissidents, sir.
GWBuff: whatev. now can’t we do that too? like with
newsweek and jon stewart and them amenesty people?
Umm…not at this time, sir.
Bigbadwolf69: Well, let’s think for a second, guys…why
Jailing dissidents? What do you mean? It’s illegal.
We’d have to change the laws…
Bigbadwolf69: LOL like that’s been a problem lately.
Why do you think you guys pay me? I think we could build
widespread support for a…a…the “Media Accuracy Reform
Act.” What do you think?
Niiiice. We should run it by some people…
I don’t know. Sounds like something Delay could tag
on a big appropriations bill or something.
Bigbadwolf69: Nah I think we only get something like
this by going all out, cram-it-down-your-throat-style.
We can get Roger Ailes on board easy.
Are we sure we want to do this?
Bigbadwolf69: Absolutely. It’s a simple solution to
a complex problem. Why not?
GWBuff: yeah whoever you are…what’s up your ass? I’m
the fucking president! What I say goes, right boys?
Of course, Mr. President.
Bigbadwolf69: Yes sir.
Bigbadwolf69: Excellent ideas, sir. Shouldn’t you be
GWBuff: one more thing. i just wanna say i can’t believe
the depths of moral depravity these people will stoop
to. siding with the terrorists! its enough to drive
Bigbadwolf69: Absolutely, sir, these liberals don’t
know anything about morality.
They’re decadent deviants, sir. Thank God we’re here
to stop them.
GWBuff: amen to that, good buddy! you fellas keep up
the good work!
Bigbadwolf69: By the way, sir, you’re missing America’s
Funniest Home Videos.
GWBuff logged out.
All right, he’s gone. Now who wants to be my bitch tonight?