Are You an Evil Genius?

Take the test and see!
N. Sorrenti

1.) You find a wallet upon the ground containing a sum of money, a card which has been formerly punched enough times to be redeemed for a free sandwich, and an aged photograph of two small children wearing classic bowl haircuts. Do you…

A.) Make attempts to find the wallet’s rightful owner?

B.) Determine that the classic bowl cuts worn by the children are a sure sign that the     owner must be poor, and send the wallet back to him stuffed with dollar bills and unscratched Win4Lifes?

C.)Use the contents of the wallet to subscribe the owner to every cock-fighting newsletter available, strew chicken parts about his property, and then cackle with glee as his family accuses him of leading a horrible double life and leaves him alone, bewildered and miserable?

2.) You find an unusually large wrench in the grass while mowing the lawn. Do you…

A.) Throw the wrench aside and think nothing more of it?

B.) Use the wrench to construct playgrounds in poor sections of the community?

C.) Use your mastery of stealth to sneak to the base of a water tower and undo the giant bolts holding its legs in place, then watch, delighted, from higher ground as the hopes and dreams of a community are washed away in a monstrous wave of fluoridated destruction?

3.) While driving to work you come across a mother duck trying to cross the road with a number of ducklings. Do you…

A.) Drive carefully around the ducks and go on your way?

B.) Immediately halt the car and begin blocking traffic on both sides of the road by waving a burning t-shirt, thanking God aloud for the wonder of burgeoning nature, and feel so touched by the experience that you donate two hundred dollars to Wild Ducks Unlimited?

C.) Punch the mother duck unconscious, gather the little ones in a foam cooler and rush them back to you lair, where you perform twisted Pavlovian experiments upon them, starving them for days and only giving them feed after they have successfully brought you a twenty dollar bill from a stack. After their successful training, you release them at professional sporting events, where they pick wallets with their tiny bills and meet you afterward with the loot, which they eagerly exchange for moldy Kaiser Seeds?

4.) On big garbage day, you see an old woman struggling to pull a washing machine down her driveway to the curb. Do you…

A.) Think about helping her but keep going because you don’t want to get your work pants dirty?

B.) Tell her to stand clear and then hoist the washing machine onto your back, and walk it to the nearest recycling facility to save fuel, then come back with lunch for the woman, enjoying the good feeling you get by watching her eat it while you do her laundry by hand in the bathtub?

C.) Throw a homemade smoke device at the woman, and as she gags on the cloud, load the washer into your car and bring it to your lair, where you will spend the next few months cutting down the steel and building a bulletproof armor suit, tailored to fit a full grown lowland gorilla, which your Ugandan supplier has assured you will be arriving shortly?

 5.) While trying to repair a broken garage door, you inadvertently cross two wires and create a machine that can control the weather. Do you…

A.) See no real use for the device, and bury it beneath a tarpaulin in the back of your garage next to an old Pogo-Ball?

B.) Use the device to the benefit of mankind, by bringing life giving rain to famine ravished nations?

C.) Use the device to create a wind storm the likes of which the world has never seen, blowing homes from their foundations and tearing children from the arms of grieving parents, then merrily frolicking in the destructive wake of broken lives and shattered dreams, inviting attractive women back to your suspiciously unscathed house?

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