You an Evil Genius?
the test and see!
You find a wallet upon the ground containing a sum of
money, a card which has been formerly punched enough
times to be redeemed for a free sandwich, and an aged
photograph of two small children wearing classic bowl
haircuts. Do you…
Make attempts to find the wallet’s rightful owner?
Determine that the classic bowl cuts worn by the children
are a sure sign that the owner must be poor, and
send the wallet back to him stuffed with dollar bills
and unscratched Win4Lifes?
the contents of the wallet to subscribe the owner to
every cock-fighting newsletter available, strew chicken
parts about his property, and then cackle with glee
as his family accuses him of leading a horrible double
life and leaves him alone, bewildered and miserable?
You find an unusually large wrench in the grass while
mowing the lawn. Do you…
Throw the wrench aside and think nothing more of it?
Use the wrench to construct playgrounds in poor sections
of the community?
Use your mastery of stealth to sneak to the base of
a water tower and undo the giant bolts holding its legs
in place, then watch, delighted, from higher ground
as the hopes and dreams of a community are washed away
in a monstrous wave of fluoridated destruction?
While driving to work you come across a mother duck
trying to cross the road with a number of ducklings.
Drive carefully around the ducks and go on your way?
Immediately halt the car and begin blocking traffic
on both sides of the road by waving a burning t-shirt,
thanking God aloud for the wonder of burgeoning nature,
and feel so touched by the experience that you donate
two hundred dollars to Wild Ducks Unlimited?
Punch the mother duck unconscious, gather the little
ones in a foam cooler and rush them back to you lair,
where you perform twisted Pavlovian experiments upon
them, starving them for days and only giving them feed
after they have successfully brought you a twenty dollar
bill from a stack. After their successful training,
you release them at professional sporting events, where
they pick wallets with their tiny bills and meet you
afterward with the loot, which they eagerly exchange
for moldy Kaiser Seeds?
On big garbage day, you see an old woman struggling
to pull a washing machine down her driveway to the curb.
Think about helping her but keep going because you don’t
want to get your work pants dirty?
Tell her to stand clear and then hoist the washing machine
onto your back, and walk it to the nearest recycling
facility to save fuel, then come back with lunch for
the woman, enjoying the good feeling you get by watching
her eat it while you do her laundry by hand in the bathtub?
Throw a homemade smoke device at the woman, and as she
gags on the cloud, load the washer into your car and
bring it to your lair, where you will spend the next
few months cutting down the steel and building a bulletproof
armor suit, tailored to fit a full grown lowland gorilla,
which your Ugandan supplier has assured you will be
While trying to repair a broken garage door, you inadvertently
cross two wires and create a machine that can control
the weather. Do you…
See no real use for the device, and bury it beneath
a tarpaulin in the back of your garage next to an old
Use the device to the benefit of mankind, by bringing
life giving rain to famine ravished nations?
Use the device to create a wind storm the likes of which
the world has never seen, blowing homes from their foundations
and tearing children from the arms of grieving parents,
then merrily frolicking in the destructive wake of broken
lives and shattered dreams, inviting attractive women
back to your suspiciously unscathed house?
Here for your results!