Reviews by Michael
Wars: Episode IIIĖRevenge of the Sith
youíll see a spoiler warning in a movie review. This
means that the clown whoís writing the review doesnít
want to blow the ending for you. This review for Star
Wars: Episode IIIĖRevenge of the Sith will not contain
one of these disclaimers for a few reasons:
By the time you read from this rag, Episode III
will have been out for at least two weeks. Maybe youíre
one of the nicotine-stained and grizzled sons of bitches
sitting at the bar partaking in your Thursday afternoon
ritual of drinking Genny drafts, eating off-brand pork
rinds, and wondering where the hell you went wrong with
your godforsaken life as you blow the paycheck you just
cashed. Or maybe youíre sitting in some dimly-lit Allentown
bar on the off chance that really cute chick will show
up again this weekend, and youíre reading this to distract
yourself from the fact that thereís the very strong
possibility that youíre going to go home alone and fall
asleep with your own DNA in your navel. Again.
your lot in life is, youíve either already seen Revenge
of the Sith and know what happens or you just donít
I donít especially care if I blow it for you. Youíre
reading the BEAST. If you donít know the score by now,
you obviously donít get it. Besides, thereís not that
much to blow. If youíve seen Star Wars Episode IV
you can pretty much figure out whatís going to happen.
Even if youíre not that dipshit who didnít show up to
the midnight show with a home-made Millennium Falcon
helmet, youíll be able to put two and two together on
this one. Anyone who was in the last two Star Wars movies
and wasnít in or mentioned in Episode IV is going
to be dead. Dead I tell you! Dead, dead, dead!
Those disclaimers are really, really gay. If you canít
make the simple decision of going to see a movie or
not, then you richly deserve to have the goods blown
here we are. End of an era. A mullet-donning Anakin
Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. Luke and Leia are born.
The whole thing will happen through a series of scenes
with excruciatingly horrendous dialogue as otherwise
competent actors freeze because theyíre sitting in a
green room and not on an actual set.
thatís pretty much it. Stiff acting in a set of scenarios
taken right from scripts stolen from the after school
you stop to think about it, George Lucas really is
a genius. Between Phantom Menace and Attack
of the Clones, heís lowered expectations so much.†
Itís like getting below a 2.0 on your last two report
cards, then finally bringing home a GPA above 2.5. You
pull that off and youíre getting a crisp two-dollar
bill and your cheeks pinched by your great aunt Phyllis.
oh how rosy Mr. Lucasí cheeks are! With Revenge of
the Sith, heís pulled down whatís definitely the
best of the prequels. Itís got nowhere nearly as much
of the entitlement and stupidity of Phantom Menace,
just a tinge of the political malarkey of Attack
of the Clones, but it does drag a bit toward the
end. The battles between Anakin and Obi-Wan and Yoda
against the Emperor are a bit anticlimactic, but theyíre
made up for with the killing of the Jedi (the scene
where Darth Vader is about to grease a bunch of young
Jedi is especially disturbing). Watching the remaining
Jedi get taken out reminded me of the scene in Platoon
where Willem Dafoe bought it. But for every up, there
is undoubtedly a down.
scene in the last ten minutes where a skinny wooden
Canadian is transformed into the real Darth Vader is
fascinatingóright up to the point where he asks about
the fate of Natalie Portmanís character. The ďNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!Ē
he belts out is remnicient of that one R. Kelly video
where heís banging his mob bossís wife. You know the
one. ďLook at me! I did this to you!Ē
Then he goes and visits her in the hospital and
she dies. Great stuff if you havenít seen it.
youíre going to hear a lot of talk that this is the
best Star Wars movie ever. Thatís really stupid.
Revenge of the Sith is definitely the best of
the prequels and MAYBE better than Return of the
Jedi (very big maybe there), but itís definitely
not the best of the bunch.
what do Star Wars fans have to look forward to
now that itís all over? Well, thereís always those glibly
inconsistent novels involving obscure or fabricated
characters made up from the smallest mention in the
movies. And Iím sure that Mr. Lucas will adorn fans
with numerous DVD reissues of the films for years to
come. There have been seven versions of the trilogy
between VHS and DVD formats released over the last twenty-seven
years, so Iím sure that Lucas will belt out at least
a good three or four more before he becomes one with
summer movie season is a lot like a potluck dinner.
Thereís the main course, usually a blockbuster that
everyone likes. Youíve also got the gelatinous, dissatisfying
macaroni salad thatís the ďthingĒ of whoever made it
(usually Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer). Then thereís
the dried-out brownies with the powdered sugar, and
the store bought, formulaic cherry pie that you either
wind up forcing down or chucking up after regretting
your first bite.
what would a pot luck be without the chips that some
cheap douchebag brought out of obligation or convenience?
Longest Yard is the chips to this summerís cinematic
potluck. It is the prepackaged remake; something
to gnaw on, but not something to make a whole meal of.
Something thatís there not because someone slaved in
their kitchen and toiled over it, but because it was
case you changed the channel the second you saw Adam
Sandlerís dopey head and simply couldnít bear the sight
of it, The Longest Yard is about a once-great
quarterback who goes to jail and is made to play in
a prison football game where the prisoners play against
the guards. And itís a remake.
usual, Adam Sandler plays Adam Sandler playing a (insert
profession here). Sandler hasnít figured out yet that
heís been doing this for about ten years and itís getting
older than Burt Reynolds. Reynolds, incidentally, also
stars in this remake of a movie he did three decades
prior. You know, to give the flick some street cred.
I think he was the only performer who didnít just act
like his patented persona. But this remakeís still basically
a less edgy and far less interesting version of the
original, and the original wasnít that great to begin
Longest Yard is one of those movies that you get
bamboozled into seeing after youíre promised funny stories
and candy. Then thereís a point in the movie where you
just look over at the shyster who dragged you to the
godawful piece of crap, gawking maliciously at them
as you devise and plot their painful, but completely
justified, demise at your own hands.
meathead convention taking place in that particular
theater will be your own personal hell for the duration
of the movie. Itís only worth sitting through if you
know for a fact that youíre going to get laid that night
or youíve been promised dinner afterward. Of course,
if you picked this movie for that big date and you do
get lucky, donít let her sleep over because sheíll probably
wind up cutting your penis off in the middle of the
as for the lovable black giant you see in the preview,
he did rape and kill those two chillren. And no, he
canít bring mice back to life.
Iím showing my age here, but does anyone actually remember
when cartoons were hand-drawn and not computer programs?
Oh sure, itís pretty impressive what can be done in
the world of computer animation, but enoughís enough.
know the deal. Silly animals with celebrity voices in
a predicament that all works out in the end. Madagascar
basically runs like a computer program and is less than
engagingówatching your hard drive defragment is more
entertaining. Dreamworks, the studio responsible for
this movie, couldnít put together another Shrek
installment in time, so this is what you get. Kind of
how when you just drop in at your momís house and she
doesnít have anything in the fridge for you to eat.
ďLeftovers again, Mom?Ē
(and Iím pretty sure that anyone else whoís running
on at least five of six cylinders is) willing to accept
that movies like Madagascar are more geared toward
children, but filmmakers should at least make them somewhat
entertaining for an adult whoís been emotionally guilted
into seeing this sort of fare.
far as plot goes, thereís a group of zoo animals with
no survival skills who wind up in the wild. So
yeah, itís like a computer-animated version of ďSurvivor.Ē
And just as dull.
probably better off buying some colored pencils and
some paper to make your own cartoon. Do it after youíve
gone through like six martinis just so you can see the
emotional damage youíre doing to your children; so youíll
have a document of your filthy, filthy dependency and
the destruction itís causing to not only yourself, but
your loved ones. Then look at† that picture your youngest
made of mommy or daddy passed out on the floor because
he or she cried themselves to sleep after failing to
break the plastic vodka bottle over the edge of the
table to stab junior in the throat because he
broke the burnt sienna crayon. If that doesnít tug at
the old heartstrings, then itís Miller time! See you
at the intervention.