Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, I know what you’re thinking. You are asking yourself “How much sugar free pudding can two fat guys eat in a four day period?” Well the answer to your question is really quite simple. As much sugar free pudding as is available. I mean it’s pudding for heaven’s sake and it’s sugar free and there is a lot of it. What the hell do you expect two fat guys to do? Sometimes I wonder where your head is, Gemini, to ask such silly questions. Next time try asking a question with some depth. Like is it worth being late for Church because you were masturbating? The key subject to examine there is worth.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Hey Cancer, how have you been? I hear that you finally received that promotion you were after at the porn shop. Well that is outstanding Cancer; I guess this means no more mopping up spooge from the booths and makes you strictly counter help now. Congratulations man; I always knew you were better than that jizz bucket position you were in. Some made fun of you but you never let go of your dream and look at you now, taking it easy behind the register and making seventy-five cents over minimum. This is your time Cancer; live the dream and please put aside a copy of Lady Luvcock 8 – The Treaty of Assram for me.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, there is something uniquely charming about the open-air drug market you have been running. There are no transparent codes used on the phone and no dim apartment filled with people you feel obligated to hang out with. No sir, with your market it’s just sunshine, fresh air and friendly service. Buying pot has never been more enjoyable. Bless you and all you do Leo, if we lived in a world free of Capitalist graft and abusive faith you would be able to place a sign above your market and it would read “Leo’s Open Air Drug Market – Home of the Crippler.” Keep up the good work Leo, until you decide to move on to greater things or the police take enough photos.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, did you hear about Taurus? Apparently he broke up with Capricorn because she was getting too needy and had a GIANT VAGINA. I had no idea she was like that or had a GIANT VAGINA. Do you blame the guy? I mean for her to start being a pain in the ass on top of having a GIANT VAGINA is nuts. No wonder Taurus dumped her ass. If you want to hear something funny, she was so upset about being dumped that she told the girls he has a small dick. Like you haven’t heard that one before…Chicks. Anyway Virgo, I think you should give Taurus a call and drag his ass out. It’s time for that bull to get back on the prowl.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra old friend, the time has come for you to stop sitting on the sidelines and get in the game. Swallow your hesitation and give that gal you’ve been watching for weeks a call. After all, it’s only $3.99 a minute and she accepts all major credit cards. Does she need to make it any more obvious that she wants you to call? Run with your instincts Libra; true love only comes along once before it disappears back into the ether. Love, Libra, love.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, you crazy bastard! The next time you decide to light the grill using paint thinner at least move the thing away from the garage and tell the kids to go inside. Now the siding on your garage looks like a Dali painting and your youngest son needs skin grafts. I’m sure he’ll look somewhat normal after a few more surgeries. I hope that was a good steak.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, my dear friend and confidant. How long has it been since we have spoken? I think the last time we spoke I told you that if I ever saw you again I would beat the shit out of you and set your twitching body aflame in the middle of the street. Nothing to really delve into here, I just wanted to restate my position, you useless shit. When you get to Hell, Sagittarius, I hope you punishment involves an hourly body cavity search by a demon made of glass shards and salt. At least for the first twenty-five years of eternity—until the real fun begins.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, I don’t want to bring up a rough subject but I heard that you and Taurus broke up. I can’t believe it, you guys seemed so right for each other. I don’t know all the details but it seems like he was afraid of commitment to me. It’s hard for me to see you so upset Capricorn; maybe you should come over to my place this weekend and we can talk about it over a nice bottle of wine. I can give you a call after I get out of my massage class. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk to someone who just wants to listen.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, some would say my mission to see your tits has gone on for too long. Some would think my quest an inane one. Those are the people who have not been in the presence of your magnificent ta-tas. These bi-monthly love notes of titastic monumentity will continue until I have seen them in all their glorific mamarity. I beg of you my siren, call me and I will crash my ship upon your mountainous boobs.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, do you know what I hate? When taking a shower and all of the sudden you notice a spider crawling mere inches from your head. Now spiders suck anytime you notice them close by, but when you’re naked and covered in soap there is an extra element of horror attached to it. You have to try to rinse off enough to get out of the shower without totally freaking out, dry off your hands in order to get some toilet paper, kill the little bastard then throw it’s remains in the toilet. No one needs that in the morning. Oh, and don’t eat any tacos today, Pisces.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, you have never been an attractive man. Even when immersed within a group of patently unattractive men you stand out as an oddity. Now couple your severe appearance deficit with the sad fact that you are not a very smart guy. In truth, you are what those of average intelligence would call “just plain stupid” or “dumb as a stump.” Now add our current mixture to your abnormally off-putting personality and the whole picture really begins to take focus. With all this in mind maybe you should reevaluate your now creepy pursuit of that nice woman from Accounts Receivable who said “hello” to you in passing two weeks ago. Just accept that she was being office friendly and not seeking a sexual encounter with you and please stop your crude and clumsy attempt to lure her out for a drink after work one evening. She will never go. Now please accept the truth Aries and leave that nice woman alone before she uses that taser (which was purchased out of fear) on you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, How’s it going, man? I couldn’t help but notice that you have been a little bummed out as of late. Something about your girlfriend telling you that you have a small penis? Now you don’t seem to have any self-esteem and just lay around the apartment depressed even though she found the grace to tell you that it is not a big deal. Yet all you seem to hear are the words “not” and “big.” I can feel your pain, Taurus and that is why I am going channel the solution to your dilemma directly from the Cosmos. Dump the bitch. Dump her ass and if you manage to move quickly and you can catch her totally off guard and make her cry. That’s right Taurus, by dumping her and her GIANT VAGINA you will have taken the high ground. Not only do you have the upper hand by being the one to end relationship status any small dick comments she makes following the break-up make her look bitter and pathetic. Act now Taurus, the Cosmos sings to you. Besides, no one needs to be involved with a woman with a GIANT VAGINA.