Gemini (May 21 –June
Gemini, I know what
you’re thinking. You are asking yourself “How much sugar
free pudding can two fat guys eat in a four day period?”
Well the answer to your question is really quite simple.
As much sugar free pudding as is available. I mean it’s
pudding for heaven’s sake and it’s sugar free and there
is a lot of it. What the hell do you expect two fat
guys to do? Sometimes I wonder where your head is, Gemini,
to ask such silly questions. Next time try asking a
question with some depth. Like is it worth being late
for Church because you were masturbating? The key subject
to examine there is worth.
Cancer (June 21-July
Hey Cancer, how have
you been? I hear that you finally received that promotion
you were after at the porn shop. Well that is outstanding
Cancer; I guess this means no more mopping up spooge
from the booths and makes you strictly counter help
now. Congratulations man; I always knew you were better
than that jizz bucket position you were in. Some made
fun of you but you never let go of your dream and look
at you now, taking it easy behind the register and making
seventy-five cents over minimum. This is your time Cancer;
live the dream and please put aside a copy of Lady
Luvcock 8 – The Treaty of Assram for me.
Leo (July 23-Aug.
Leo, there is something
uniquely charming about the open-air drug market you
have been running. There are no transparent codes used
on the phone and no dim apartment filled with people
you feel obligated to hang out with. No sir, with your
market it’s just sunshine, fresh air and friendly service.
Buying pot has never been more enjoyable. Bless you
and all you do Leo, if we lived in a world free of Capitalist
graft and abusive faith you would be able to place a
sign above your market and it would read “Leo’s Open
Air Drug Market – Home of the Crippler.” Keep up the
good work Leo, until you decide to move on to greater
things or the police take enough photos.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept
Virgo, did you hear
about Taurus? Apparently he broke up with Capricorn
because she was getting too needy and had a GIANT VAGINA.
I had no idea she was like that or had a GIANT VAGINA.
Do you blame the guy? I mean for her to start being
a pain in the ass on top of having a GIANT VAGINA is
nuts. No wonder Taurus dumped her ass. If you want to
hear something funny, she was so upset about being dumped
that she told the girls he has a small dick. Like you
haven’t heard that one before…Chicks. Anyway Virgo,
I think you should give Taurus a call and drag his ass
out. It’s time for that bull to get back on the prowl.
Libra (Sept 23 –Oct
Libra old friend,
the time has come for you to stop sitting on the sidelines
and get in the game. Swallow your hesitation and give
that gal you’ve been watching for weeks a call. After
all, it’s only $3.99 a minute and she accepts all major
credit cards. Does she need to make it any more obvious
that she wants you to call? Run with your instincts
Libra; true love only comes along once before it disappears
back into the ether. Love, Libra, love.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov
Scorpio, you crazy
bastard! The next time you decide to light the grill
using paint thinner at least move the thing away from
the garage and tell the kids to go inside. Now the siding
on your garage looks like a Dali painting and your youngest
son needs skin grafts. I’m sure he’ll look somewhat
normal after a few more surgeries. I hope that was a
22 – Dec 21)
Sagittarius, my dear
friend and confidant. How long has it been since we
have spoken? I think the last time we spoke I told you
that if I ever saw you again I would beat the shit out
of you and set your twitching body aflame in the middle
of the street. Nothing to really delve into here, I
just wanted to restate my position, you useless shit.
When you get to Hell, Sagittarius, I hope you punishment
involves an hourly body cavity search by a demon made
of glass shards and salt. At least for the first twenty-five
years of eternity—until the real fun begins.
Capricorn (Dec 22
– Jan 19)
Capricorn, I don’t
want to bring up a rough subject but I heard that you
and Taurus broke up. I can’t believe it, you guys seemed
so right for each other. I don’t know all the details
but it seems like he was afraid of commitment to me.
It’s hard for me to see you so upset Capricorn; maybe
you should come over to my place this weekend and we
can talk about it over a nice bottle of wine. I can
give you a call after I get out of my massage class.
Sometimes it’s just nice to talk to someone who just
wants to listen.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb
Aquarius, some would
say my mission to see your tits has gone on for too
long. Some would think my quest an inane one. Those
are the people who have not been in the presence of
your magnificent ta-tas. These bi-monthly love notes
of titastic monumentity will continue until I have seen
them in all their glorific mamarity. I beg of you my
siren, call me and I will crash my ship upon your mountainous
Pisces (Feb 19-March
Pisces, do you know
what I hate? When taking a shower and all of the sudden
you notice a spider crawling mere inches from your head.
Now spiders suck anytime you notice them close by, but
when you’re naked and covered in soap there is an extra
element of horror attached to it. You have to try to
rinse off enough to get out of the shower without totally
freaking out, dry off your hands in order to get some
toilet paper, kill the little bastard then throw it’s
remains in the toilet. No one needs that in the morning.
Oh, and don’t eat any tacos today, Pisces.
Aries (March 21-April
Aries, you have never
been an attractive man. Even when immersed within a
group of patently unattractive men you stand out as
an oddity. Now couple your severe appearance deficit
with the sad fact that you are not a very smart guy.
In truth, you are what those of average intelligence
would call “just plain stupid” or “dumb as a stump.”
Now add our current mixture to your abnormally off-putting
personality and the whole picture really begins to take
focus. With all this in mind maybe you should reevaluate
your now creepy pursuit of that nice woman from Accounts
Receivable who said “hello” to you in passing two weeks
ago. Just accept that she was being office friendly
and not seeking a sexual encounter with you and please
stop your crude and clumsy attempt to lure her out for
a drink after work one evening. She will never go. Now
please accept the truth Aries and leave that nice woman
alone before she uses that taser (which was purchased
out of fear) on you.
Taurus (April 20-May
Taurus, How’s it
going, man? I couldn’t help but notice that you have
been a little bummed out as of late. Something about
your girlfriend telling you that you have a small penis?
Now you don’t seem to have any self-esteem and just
lay around the apartment depressed even though she found
the grace to tell you that it is not a big deal. Yet
all you seem to hear are the words “not” and “big.”
I can feel your pain, Taurus and that is why I am going
channel the solution to your dilemma directly from the
Cosmos. Dump the bitch. Dump her ass and if you manage
to move quickly and you can catch her totally off guard
and make her cry. That’s right Taurus, by dumping her
and her GIANT VAGINA you will have taken the high ground.
Not only do you have the upper hand by being the one
to end relationship status any small dick comments she
makes following the break-up make her look bitter and
pathetic. Act now Taurus, the Cosmos sings to you. Besides,
no one needs to be involved with a woman with a GIANT