paper makes me laugh. I have read three issues. I think
you are wonderful. Who are your intended readers? what
is your purpose with them? A prerequisite of newspaper
distribution is a purpose; to inform; to enlighten.
A prerequisite of enlightenment is someone to enlighten.
Some fundamental decisions were made, such as: are we
trying to reach/entertain only those who posses similar
ideals, and to agitate the rest? or are we trying to
educate/inform everyone and anyone? Since it appears
we disagree with the political and ethical themes in
Buffalo -- the city we decided to live in, create and
circulate a paper in -- are we going to attempt to bring
change and growth? or should we be sarcastic and unappealing,
catering only to those as angry and cynical as us? What
is of importance? how are we going to present it? What
are we trying to accomplish? What end is this paper
the means to? The pope is not relevant enough to be
ridiculed. The runaway bride, and her effect on the
media, is not relevant enough to make front page and
first story. It was a clever article, but negligible.
Every individual you upset is someone who could have
been inspired by something they read in your paper.
Every nasty letter you receive that your staff laughs
at, prints, and ridicules is a letter that could have
confirmed another dedicated reader (I mean, only if
that's what you want, to attract readers). I am not
denying that some people cannot be touched by reason;
let them self-destruct. Pissing off irrational animals
is not a value (should not be) and is the moral equivalent
of throwing rocks at pigs. Living a life of guilt, fear,
and denial of their own nature is punishment enough,
or at least I think so. If you care about Buffalo (which
seems to be the only rational justification behind starting
a paper with ideas and articles such as yours, second
only to your own selfish pleasure from doing what you
love) then it appears your paper is in need of a change.
Political and religious sarcasm/ridicule is for entertainment
purposes only. I was under the impression you wanted
your paper to mean more than just that. Think of it
as raising children (conceptually, that's what you're
dealing with) -- are they going to respond (learn) to
(from) positive ideas expressed with a tolerance for
error, or to degrading, sarcastic, arbitrary attacks
on their fundamental beliefs and unknown errors? If
the Beast was created and is being distributed primarily
for a cheap laugh at the expense of idiots, then I must
say thanks for the laughs, what a waste, and thank goodness
ideas expressed with a tolerance for error”—isn’t that
what the left, and every other “alternative” publication
does? “Degrading, sarcastic, arbitrary attacks”—isn’t
that what the right wing and every conservative publication
does? Now, let’s see—who’s winning, again? People who
cannot be touched by reason aren’t just self-destructing,
they’re taking us all with them. Everybody lives a life
of guilt, fear, and denial, but some pigs richly deserve
to get hit with rocks. People laugh at other people
all the time, Shane, but the best reason of all to laugh
at someone is because he’s an idiot. Ha ha, Shane, ha
forgot to mention you have called me on a couple occasions
for info on a story.
you crossed the line is when you libeled me with the
"conviction for non payment of child support."
Never happened! So take this as notice ... Retract the
statement or I will suit you.
the way someone called me to read the story otherwise
I might never have known because I have never read your
publication. The only reason I know you exist is Dick
Kern. You & Kern, Paul ... Now there is a match
made in heaven! Feel free to publish my remarks
humbly apologize for the mistake. We found the correct
info in the Buffalo news:
site publisher admits guilt in contempt of court (5/9/2003):
J. Illuzzi, 55, of North Street, publisher of a political
Web site, PoliticsWNY.com, pleaded guilty in Cheektowaga
Town Court on Thursday to a contempt of court charge
stemming from his failure to pay child support. Erie
County prosecutors said Illuzzi pleaded guilty to the
misdemeanor before Town Justice Ronald E. Kmiotek. The
charge carries a maximum penalty of one year in jail,
but prosecutors said the plea agreement calls for no
jail time if Illuzzi pays $5,040 to the Erie County
Department of Social Services within six months.”
for the mix-up, Joe. Suit away. Speaking of Kern…
FROM MOUNT CRAZY
Your paper has matured since I last looked.
I hope you know I never "dumped" any of your
papers, being a First Amendment advocate.
I informed the "information desk, that I was offended
by BEAST being the first thing seen inside the front
doors of city hall, rather than being will all other
free papers in the basement . . .& moved them there.
You may recall that Griffin moved "free" paper
racks from the front lobby down to the basement when
I wrote nasty stuff about City Hall in Alt, etc.
My battles with you (& Jean) were about your publishing
in secret from the halls of NYCLU, an open betrayal
of both the First amendment & responsible journalism.
Where is the Illuzzi piece? Has it been removed on the
As you know, I have many issues with Illuzzi . . .
. & his alliance with Frank Parlato Jr, Buffalo's
worst-in-history blockbusting Realtor (formerly close
to ALT Press), now investing his plunder from inner-city
Bflo in downtown Niag Falls . . & writing a nakedly
political tract, with Farina, etc.
Kern (in Mpls)
not doing too much to dispel your image as a local paranoiac
kook here. The Beast and the NYCLU in a secret, nefarious
pact to—share office space? A betrayal of the first
amendment? You seem to be as nuts as your reputation.
So your justification for removing our papers from their
rightful spot in City Hall is “I was jealous?” Sorry
Dick, doesn’t cut it. Still, the enemy of our enemy
is our friend, so perhaps an uneasy truce can be declared
to further our mutual purposes. But we’re watching you,
did you do to piss joe illuzzi off? he has some not-nice
things to say about Mr. Fallon. Things that sounds like
slander per se as comments on one's ability to practice
law. Just sayin'...
we have to say about it is this: Never get between that
man and his Haagen Dazs.
GEE, WE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT
There, To answer the question posited by your cover,
Runaway Bride! Who Gives a Crap? Apparently,
you do -- you devoted the cover to her. Smashing job
we give a crap that everyone else seems to give a crap.
As to the woman herself, we would gladly trade her life
for a cheeseburger sub.
OF THE TURDS
issue online since May 4... did Tom Cruise's attorney
have your staff slaughtered?
awaiting more of your patented beligerent ridcule.
we were not slaughtered…most of us survived. It was
a stuffy evening in the new Beast production offices,
when suddenly, as if from thin air, at least thirty
ninjas appeared all at once all in black save for armbands
depicting the angry orange cover graphic from L. Ron
Hubbard’s Dianetics, while new Beast staffer Matt Higgins
was explaining to his rapt comrades how bioluminescent
bacteria was going to revolutionize the world of tattoos.
The startled staff, recalling their thorough hand to
hand combat training, immediately fell into “windmill
formation,” knocking out most of the attackers with
rapidly flailing arms and legs within seconds, but taking
some intern losses due to expertly thrown knives. Looking
up, editor Al Uthman recognized the source of the knives
through his eye slits. “Fields!” he cried, diving behind
his desk to reach his cell phone (he was expecting a
call). Fields stormed in with a team of paralegals and
publicists, each armed with reams of affidavits from
former girlfriends of Tom Cruise. Through the dust,
Ian Murphy swears, one could just make out the toothy
grin of Cruise himself, making “thumbs up” signs and
striking air guitar poses. Just when things looked hopeless,
Fallon and Crawford returned from a beer run, guns blazing.
When the dust settled, two interns and a process server
were dead, along with several ninjas, and Cruise had
lost his ability to emulate feelings of love for others,
a fact which he desperately tried to communicate to
an unwitting world on Oprah. Oh, the inhumanity!
your paper. I cannot think of another publication that
keeps me as informed and entertained as the Beast. Can
you do out of state subscriptions? I live in Maryland
but would love to receive a hard copy of your paper
in the mail.
I just wanted to drop a note concerning your recent
filibuster piece. This week's onion had a public opinion
bit about the same issue and the following was printed.
Looks like the onion is cribbing off you guys.
Landry Systems Analyst
filibuster, eh? That reminds me of the baking-powder
biscuits my dear old grandmother used to make. First,
she'd take shortening... Now, keep in mind, the more
shortening you use, the flakier the biscuits will
be. My, all of us kids used to love these biscuits.
The secret is to not over-knead the dough, because
it makes the biscuits tough, and nobody likes tough
biscuits. If you sprinkle a little..."
also notice that the onion has taken to charging money
to read back issues. Fuck the onion. The Beast rules
this “Onion” paper is a total rip-off! Why didn’t anyone
tell us about it before?
don't know if you guys heard about this already, but
someone in Georgia (in the former USSR) threw a live
grenade within lethal range of George W Bush. It would
have killed him, but the grenade was defective.
is from the Buffalo News article: "No one in the
U.S. delegation - Bush, his staff, members of the press
that accompanied him and others - saw a grenade tossed."
you saw any of the Terminator movies or read The Simulacra
by Philip K. Dick, and the last 5 years have made you
go a little crazy like me, you probably understand what
happened. Obviously, agents of the future have travelled
back in time in order to prevent some imminent catastrophe.
How does nobody see a grenade floating in the air within
100 feet of the most powerful person on the planet?
I admit that sometimes, when I'm watching Bush on TV,
I get all awe-struck and can't really concentrate on
anything else, but this is just weird.
the Beast have any competing theories?
everyone just pretended not to see it.
SPREADS TO WEST COAST
am currently a contributing writer to California's Skinnie
Magazine. I am also a long time fan of The Buffalo Beast.
noticed your many recent articles about Tom Cruise,
and have written an analysis of Top Gun, pointing out
it's obviously gay innuendo, as well as it's overall
message: accepting your bisexuality. It's not insulting
towards the gay community, at all, but it certainly
raises a question about Cruise's proclaimed orientation.
It's original, and it's good satire.
own editor for Skinnie magazine loved it, but was deathly
afraid of a possible lawsuit. Still, it's hilarious,
and I'd really like to submit the piece to The Buffalo
you like me to send you a copy?
you very much for your time.
read your piece, “Who’s the bottom in Top Gun?” and
it was pretty funny, but let’s face it: it’s a really
old movie. Besides, isn’t this just really obvious to
everyone? Except for homophobic jocks and frat boys
who just got over Pete Townshend? Thanks anyway, Vic.
Your editor’s a pussy. Or maybe he was just letting
you down easy.
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