Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

June 1 - 15, 2005

Issue #76

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend

The CyberCloset
A Chance Encounter

by Allan Uthman

Monkey Business
A Different Kind of Crusade
by Matt Taibbi
Jack Davis vs China
Trade Protectionist Gets His Party Started
by Matt Higgins
War on Drugs or Just War?
Plan Colombia Stays Aloft
by John Myers

Anonymous Sources Under Fire--Sometimes

by Matt Taibbi


Lonely Revolution
Free Buffalo, but Nobody's Buying

by Matt Higgins


Are You an Evil Genius?
Take the Quiz
by N. Sorrenti


Get Your Blog On
Helpful Tips
for Newbies

ISSUE#76PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Page 3
Blind Date Scenario
Kino Korner
[SIC] - Your Letters

Last Issue: (75)
Culture War!

[sic] - Letters


Your paper makes me laugh. I have read three issues. I think you are wonderful. Who are your intended readers? what is your purpose with them? A prerequisite of newspaper distribution is a purpose; to inform; to enlighten. A prerequisite of enlightenment is someone to enlighten.  Some fundamental decisions were made, such as: are we trying to reach/entertain only those who posses similar ideals, and to agitate the rest? or are we trying to educate/inform everyone and anyone? Since it appears we disagree with the political and ethical themes in Buffalo -- the city we decided to live in, create and circulate a paper in -- are we going to attempt to bring change and growth? or should we be sarcastic and unappealing, catering only to those as angry and cynical as us? What is of importance? how are we going to present it? What are we trying to accomplish? What end is this paper the means to?  The pope is not relevant enough to be ridiculed. The runaway bride, and her effect on the media, is not relevant enough to make front page and first story. It was a clever article, but negligible.  Every individual you upset is someone who could have been inspired by something they read in your paper. Every nasty letter you receive that your staff laughs at, prints, and ridicules is a letter that could have confirmed another dedicated reader (I mean, only if that's what you want, to attract readers). I am not denying that some people cannot be touched by reason; let them self-destruct. Pissing off irrational animals is not a value (should not be) and is the moral equivalent of throwing rocks at pigs. Living a life of guilt, fear, and denial of their own nature is punishment enough, or at least I think so. If you care about Buffalo (which seems to be the only rational justification behind starting a paper with ideas and articles such as yours, second only to your own selfish pleasure from doing what you love) then it appears your paper is in need of a change.  Political and religious sarcasm/ridicule is for entertainment purposes only. I was under the impression you wanted your paper to mean more than just that.  Think of it as raising children (conceptually, that's what you're dealing with) -- are they going to respond (learn) to (from) positive ideas expressed with a tolerance for error, or to degrading, sarcastic, arbitrary attacks on their fundamental beliefs and unknown errors?  If the Beast was created and is being distributed primarily for a cheap laugh at the expense of idiots, then I must say thanks for the laughs, what a waste, and thank goodness it's free. 

Nicholas Shane


Dear Nicholas,

“Positive ideas expressed with a tolerance for error”—isn’t that what the left, and every other “alternative” publication does? “Degrading, sarcastic, arbitrary attacks”—isn’t that what the right wing and every conservative publication does? Now, let’s see—who’s winning, again? People who cannot be touched by reason aren’t just self-destructing, they’re taking us all with them. Everybody lives a life of guilt, fear, and denial, but some pigs richly deserve to get hit with rocks. People laugh at other people all the time, Shane, but the best reason of all to laugh at someone is because he’s an idiot. Ha ha, Shane, ha ha.



You forgot to mention you have called me on a couple occasions for info on a story.

Where you crossed the line is when you libeled me with the "conviction for non payment of child support." Never happened! So take this as notice ... Retract the statement or I will suit you.

By the way someone called me to read the story otherwise I might never have known because I have never read your publication. The only reason I know you exist is Dick Kern. You & Kern, Paul ... Now there is a match made in heaven! Feel free to publish my remarks

Joe Illuzzi PoliticsWNY.com


Dear Joe,

We humbly apologize for the mistake. We found the correct info in the Buffalo news:

“Web site publisher admits guilt in contempt of court (5/9/2003):

“Joseph J. Illuzzi, 55, of North Street, publisher of a political Web site, PoliticsWNY.com, pleaded guilty in Cheektowaga Town Court on Thursday to a contempt of court charge stemming from his failure to pay child support. Erie County prosecutors said Illuzzi pleaded guilty to the misdemeanor before Town Justice Ronald E. Kmiotek. The charge carries a maximum penalty of one year in jail, but prosecutors said the plea agreement calls for no jail time if Illuzzi pays $5,040 to the Erie County Department of Social Services within six months.”

Sorry for the mix-up, Joe. Suit away. Speaking of Kern…




    Your paper has matured since I last looked.

    I hope you know I never "dumped" any of your papers, being a First Amendment advocate.

     I informed the "information desk, that I was offended by BEAST being the first thing seen inside the front doors of city hall, rather than being will all other free papers in the basement . . .& moved them there.

    You may recall that Griffin moved "free" paper racks from the front lobby down to the basement when I wrote nasty stuff about City Hall in Alt, etc.

    My battles with you (& Jean) were about your publishing in secret from the halls of NYCLU, an open betrayal of both the First amendment & responsible journalism.

    Where is the Illuzzi piece? Has it been removed on the web edition?

    As you know, I have many issues with Illuzzi  . . . . & his alliance with Frank Parlato Jr, Buffalo's worst-in-history blockbusting Realtor (formerly close to ALT Press), now investing his plunder from inner-city Bflo in downtown Niag Falls . . & writing a nakedly political tract, with Farina, etc.

Dick Kern (in Mpls)



You’re not doing too much to dispel your image as a local paranoiac kook here. The Beast and the NYCLU in a secret, nefarious pact to—share office space? A betrayal of the first amendment? You seem to be as nuts as your reputation. So your justification for removing our papers from their rightful spot in City Hall is “I was jealous?” Sorry Dick, doesn’t cut it. Still, the enemy of our enemy is our friend, so perhaps an uneasy truce can be declared to further our mutual purposes. But we’re watching you, Kern.


What did you do to piss joe illuzzi off? he has some not-nice things to say about Mr. Fallon. Things that sounds like slander per se as comments on one's ability to practice law. Just sayin'...

Todd Thomas


All we have to say about it is this: Never get between that man and his Haagen Dazs.



Hi There,  To answer the question posited by your cover, Runaway Bride! Who Gives a Crap? Apparently, you do -- you devoted the cover to her. Smashing job though.  Phaedrus


Technically, we give a crap that everyone else seems to give a crap. As to the woman herself, we would gladly trade her life for a cheeseburger sub.



No issue online since May 4... did Tom Cruise's attorney have your staff slaughtered?

Diligently awaiting more of your patented beligerent ridcule.




No, we were not slaughtered…most of us survived. It was a stuffy evening in the new Beast production offices, when suddenly, as if from thin air, at least thirty ninjas appeared all at once all in black save for armbands depicting the angry orange cover graphic from L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics, while new Beast staffer Matt Higgins was explaining to his rapt comrades how bioluminescent bacteria was going to revolutionize the world of tattoos. The startled staff, recalling their thorough hand to hand combat training, immediately fell into “windmill formation,” knocking out most of the attackers with rapidly flailing arms and legs within seconds, but taking some intern losses due to expertly thrown knives. Looking up, editor Al Uthman recognized the source of the knives through his eye slits. “Fields!” he cried, diving behind his desk to reach his cell phone (he was expecting a call). Fields stormed in with a team of paralegals and publicists, each armed with reams of affidavits from former girlfriends of Tom Cruise. Through the dust, Ian Murphy swears, one could just make out the toothy grin of Cruise himself, making “thumbs up” signs and striking air guitar poses. Just when things looked hopeless, Fallon and Crawford returned from a beer run, guns blazing. When the dust settled, two interns and a process server were dead,  along with several ninjas, and Cruise had lost his ability to emulate feelings of love for others, a fact which he desperately tried to communicate to an unwitting world on Oprah. Oh, the inhumanity!



 Dear Beast,

Love your paper. I cannot think of another publication that keeps me as informed and entertained as the Beast. Can you do out of state subscriptions? I live in Maryland but would love to receive a hard copy of your paper in the mail.

Anyway, I just wanted to drop a note concerning your recent filibuster piece. This week's onion had a public opinion bit about the same issue and the following was printed. Looks like the onion is cribbing off you guys.

Timothy Landry Systems Analyst

"The filibuster, eh? That reminds me of the baking-powder biscuits my dear old grandmother used to make. First, she'd take shortening... Now, keep in mind, the more shortening you use, the flakier the biscuits will be. My, all of us kids used to love these biscuits. The secret is to not over-knead the dough, because it makes the biscuits tough, and nobody likes tough biscuits. If you sprinkle a little..."

I also notice that the onion has taken to charging money to read back issues. Fuck the onion. The Beast rules supreme.




Wow, this “Onion” paper is a total rip-off! Why didn’t anyone tell us about it before?



I don't know if you guys heard about this already, but someone in Georgia (in the former USSR) threw a live grenade within lethal range of George W Bush. It would have killed him, but the grenade was defective.

This is from the Buffalo News article: "No one in the U.S. delegation - Bush, his staff, members of the press that accompanied him and others - saw a grenade tossed."

If you saw any of the Terminator movies or read The Simulacra by Philip K. Dick, and the last 5 years have made you go a little crazy like me, you probably understand what happened. Obviously, agents of the future have travelled back in time in order to prevent some imminent catastrophe. How does nobody see a grenade floating in the air within 100 feet of the most powerful person on the planet? I admit that sometimes, when I'm watching Bush on TV, I get all awe-struck and can't really concentrate on anything else, but this is just weird.

Does the Beast have any competing theories?

-Roy LaPost


Maybe everyone just pretended not to see it.



Dear Buffalo Beast,

I am currently a contributing writer to California's Skinnie Magazine. I am also a long time fan of The Buffalo Beast.

I noticed your many recent articles about Tom Cruise, and have written an analysis of Top Gun, pointing out it's obviously gay innuendo, as well as it's overall message: accepting your bisexuality. It's not insulting towards the gay community, at all, but it certainly raises a question about Cruise's proclaimed orientation. It's original, and it's good satire.

My own editor for Skinnie magazine loved it, but was deathly afraid of a possible lawsuit. Still, it's hilarious, and I'd really like to submit the piece to The Buffalo Beast.

Would you like me to send you a copy?

Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely, Victor Hussar


We read your piece, “Who’s the bottom in Top Gun?” and it was pretty funny, but let’s face it: it’s a really old movie. Besides, isn’t this just really obvious to everyone? Except for homophobic jocks and frat boys who just got over Pete Townshend? Thanks anyway, Vic.

p.s. Your editor’s a pussy. Or maybe he was just letting you down easy.



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* prayer

    o add your name to the Tell Studio Campaign (no gift required)

       + financial: donations and/or investor partnerships

If only 1% (ONE percent) of the American population gave a ONE time gift of $10-$25 (that's between $25-$65 million), TFI would have a jump start in producing CLEAN movies. Will you help us spread the word through your email, newsletters, churches, civic groups, businesses and of course family and friends?

Information about Investoring is avavailable upon request via Tadin Entertainment.

Visit our website: www.TFIfilms.org to learn more about us. Let TFI know how you will be helping get CLEAN movies produced! TFI is non-profit in the state of North Carolina and will be seeking 501(c) status with the federal government.

God Bless, Dan Galpin



Congratulations on your scheme to defraud the most easily defraudable among us. Please forgive us for not ‘investoring.’ Basically, we like sex and violence, especially in combination. We’re sure you understand.


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