Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

June 15-29, 2005

Issue #77

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend

Free to Agree
Sensenbrenner's Sensibilities

by Allan Uthman

Gettin' Rucky in Pyongyang
Kim Jong Il gets his fleak on
by Matt Taibbi
Dean Was Right
Hey Howard, Keep Up the Good Jerk
by William Pitt

Throat Job
Newsweek Still Gagging on Unnamed Sources

by Matt Taibbi


8-Step Summer Makeover
by Dan Devine


Goth Kid's Summer Survival Guide
It's not fun for everyone

Hallmarks of Summer
What makes Buffalo summers so darn special?


The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Sports Desk
Sporting News

Lake Erie Surfin'
People Really Do This

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Blind Date Scenario
Kino Korner - Movies
[sic] - Your Letters
The BEAST Blog


ISSUE#77PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")


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The Beast 8-Step Summer Makeover

By Dan Devine

1. Exercise

A nasty spare tire is easy to cultivate: spend hours on the couch in front of your TV with the ESPN logo permanently burned into the right corner. Rise only to get more Cheetos and beer. It’s not so easy to shed, however.

In the absence of real motivation, you must create your own: imagine an angry pack of bikers chasing your flabby ass down the street. You’d run, right? Well, have you ever noticed the striking resemblance between 30 Harleys lined up in front of a bar and a series of dominos? Go ahead and give the one on the end a good kick, shout your favorite anti-AC/DC epithet, and go, man, go, those fuckers are coming for you… Before you know it you’ll be sweating. Just remember to stretch, ‘cause cramps suck enough without getting stabbed while you’re doubled over. If you can’t find any bikers, just throw something at a cop.

2. Garage Sale-ing

This is the only time it’s acceptable, even admirable, to negotiate pennies (you cheap bastard). You know you need that Barry Manilow Songs from Copacabana album to complete your collection, but 40 cents? Come on, that’s highway robbery. Lowball ‘em; offer up a shiny Eisenhower, and after some balking and empty threats, you should be back home surrounded by the glorious strains of “Mandy” for a mere quarter. Added bonus? You get to hip-check to the ground that cotton-top, who drove 10 miles an hour in front of you all morning, as you both reached for that gold-standard of garage sales, the electric can opener. Sweet, sweet vindication.

3. Pimp Your Ride

Stop being embarrassed about that '88 Olds Achieva sitting in your driveway and take some initiative. A little limo tint goes a long way, and a careful application of metallic contact paper can give that custom chrome accent look that’s all the rage. A few holes drilled in the exhaust pipe (for that “performance” sound), a nice homemade spoiler, and some Sprewell rims ought to complete the transformation from eyesore to “Whip” status. Really want to turn some heads while you’re cruising Chippewa at 2 a.m.? Mount a sparkplug in the tailpipe, wire it to your battery, and a switch on the dash, and get ready for some serious bat-mobile flame action. The women will flock.

4. BWI

There’s nothing like an 80-degree day spent imbibing 12 of your favorite frosty brews while behind the controls of 300 horses of wake producing power. Besides, no summer’s complete without some rich asshole maiming his friends when he runs his $60,000 speedboat aground.

5. Horticulture

Summer is the time to garden, farmer. There’s nothing like the satisfaction gleaned from sitting down to a nice, light meal created by the simple toil of your own hands, unless you figure time and supplies and realize the lone, dirty, wilted head of lettuce that managed to stay alive just long enough for you to eat cost you about $300.

6. Stoop Sitting

Nothing says community like an evening of malt liquor and friends on your front steps. Even well into the twilight hours, when everybody’s shouting at the top of their lungs for no reason, your neighbors will not complain, mainly for fear of violent retribution.

7. Tattooing

Now that it’s warm and you can stroll around shirtless, you need some good ink to show off. Celebrate your uniqueness by shelling out a cool couple hundred so some guy named Thunderbolt can make cube-steak out of your flesh for an hour. We recommend a likeness of your favorite guns on your stomach, so it looks like they’re tucked in your pants when you take your shirt off at the beach, but your last name in gothic script across your entire back is cool too.

8. Go to the Beach

Now that you’ve worked off that spare tire, pimped your ride, and inked your skin, it’s high time to show it all off. Grab your towel and your favorite muscle shirt (we know they’re all your favorites, so just grab any one) and hit the sand. Ball sports are especially popular, so leave the Frisbee at home lest all those beautiful women think you’re gay because you’re not wrestling two of your buddies for the pigskin. Oh, and do us a favor? Put your fucking trash in one of the fifty garbage barrels that are at every area beach, you pathetic, lazy waste of skin.

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