Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

June 15-29, 2005

Issue #77

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

Free to Agree
Sensenbrenner's Sensibilities

by Allan Uthman

 
Gettin' Rucky in Pyongyang
Kim Jong Il gets his fleak on
by Matt Taibbi
 
Dean Was Right
Hey Howard, Keep Up the Good Jerk
by William Pitt
 

Throat Job
Newsweek Still Gagging on Unnamed Sources

by Matt Taibbi

 
SUMMER SPECTACULAR!

8-Step Summer Makeover
by Dan Devine

 

Goth Kid's Summer Survival Guide
It's not fun for everyone

 
Hallmarks of Summer
What makes Buffalo summers so darn special?
 

Sports

The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Sports Desk
Sporting News

Lake Erie Surfin'
People Really Do This

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner - Movies
[sic] - Your Letters
The BEAST Blog

 

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Last Issue: (76)

• Hearing the clop of hooves, you peer out the window to see Marty Stouffer riding merrily up the road aback a massive deer, followed by an innumerable horde of small bunnies and hedgehogs. He tells you to “climb aboard!” but you explain that you have never ridden a deer before. Stouffer grabs you by the scruff of your neck as though you were a small animal, and hoists you up. He then issues a command to the deer in a bizarre, grunting language which it seems to understand, and before you can properly situate yourself the animal takes off at top speed, leaving you clinging desperately to an antler.  

• While preparing for your date, you suddenly hear the gunning of a massive diesel engine in the driveway. Stepping outside, you find yourself face to face with a hideous goblin truck, which bucks toward you menacingly without the aid of a human driver. You try to introduce yourself, but the goblin truck blinds you with high beams and inches toward you, pinning you against the wall. Just as you become sure that your death is imminent, the passenger door opens of its own accord, and you sense the only way to save your own life is to climb in. Once inside, the evil truck barrels through fences and gardens, forging its own road into the night.

 

• Marty takes you to a woodland clearing and recites for you some poems he has previously composed about love and nature. “If you’d like, I can teach you how to start a fire with squirrels,” he says. Before you can respond, he snatches two squirrels from a bush and begins rubbing them together violently. Amid their squeals of pain, you see wisps of smoke rising, and then a few embers. Before long, the squirrels are ablaze, and Marty warms his hands over their still twitching corpses and encourages you to do the same.  

• The goblin truck crashes back onto the road, where a Plymouth breeze idles at a red light. The driver looks remarkably like Emilio Estevez. Sensing what the truck has in mind, you roll down the window and scream for him to “get the hell out of the way!” The seatbelt chokes you by the throat mid-sentence. As you black out, you see the pseudo-Estevez leap from his car and make for some nearby woods. You wake as the belt loosens about your neck and see that you are in the parking lot of a Blockbuster Video. You unlock the door and as you leap from the cab you feel something squish below your feet. You find yourself standing on the pseudo-Estevez cadaver, which has clearly been run over repeatedly.

 

• Marty Stouffer tells you that he hasn’t been on a "human date" for “many seasons of the long moon.” You ask him how long that is in human years, but he pretends he can’t hear you over the crackle of the fire. Suddenly he snatches a small bat out of midair, snaps its neck and throws it into the blaze. Shocked, you ask if it wouldn’t be easier to put sticks in the fire instead of wild animals, but Marty grinds his teeth and calls you a fascist, accusing you of “not enjoying our wild America.”

 

  • You run terrified into the Blockbuster as the truck once again roars to life and begins smoking its tires angrily. You plead desperately with the employees to help you stop the demon-possessed truck, now circling and doing maniacal wheelies in the parking lot. One employee sprints to the horror section and comes back seconds later, holding a VHS copy of Maximum Overdrive. You speed-read the back of the box , but it affords no clue as how to stop the evil machine.
• You ask Marty to take you home. He grunts, and instantly his deer-ally appears and the two of you get on. During the ride, Marty asks if you would like to know the horrifying truth about him. “What the hell,” you say. “I really hate animals,” He hisses, and unsheathes a sharpened stalactite, stabbing the galloping deer through the neck and sending the two of you rolling into the bushes. Now on top of you, he asks if you would permit him to mate. You tell him to get the hell away from you, and that he should never speak to you again. As you gather your things and try to remember your way out of the woods, Stouffer bellows a promise that his “legion of sharp beaked chickadees” will see to it that you never make it out alive. You don’t.  

• For six days, you and the Blockbuster employees take shelter in the store, never venturing outside, surviving on hardened Raisinettes and warm Lime Coke. After a week, you try to make your way home in the light of day. After walking a few blocks, you hear the familiar diesel drone and fear seizes you. You burst into full sprint toward your home. You zigzag through the neighborhood and manage to get home. You call your friend who set up the date, cursing her. She casually explains that you’ve got it all wrong; the truck was never demon-possessed. It was simply a matter of someone leaving the radio tuned to 930 AM, and Dr. Laura Schlesinger’s voice had vibrated into the radiator, creating the illusion of demon possession. She adds that the truck is “really a nice guy,” and you should “give him another chance.”

 

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