Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

June 15-29, 2005

Issue #77

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

Free to Agree
Sensenbrenner's Sensibilities

by Allan Uthman

 
Gettin' Rucky in Pyongyang
Kim Jong Il gets his fleak on
by Matt Taibbi
 
Dean Was Right
Hey Howard, Keep Up the Good Jerk
by William Pitt
 

Throat Job
Newsweek Still Gagging on Unnamed Sources

by Matt Taibbi

 
SUMMER SPECTACULAR!

8-Step Summer Makeover
by Dan Devine

 

Goth Kid's Summer Survival Guide
It's not fun for everyone

 
Hallmarks of Summer
What makes Buffalo summers so darn special?
 

Sports

The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Sports Desk
Sporting News

Lake Erie Surfin'
People Really Do This

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner - Movies
[sic] - Your Letters
The BEAST Blog

 

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Last Issue: (76)

Hallmarks of Summer

It’s that special time of year again, and time to celebrate the familiar sights, sounds and smells that tell us summer is here:

Noise Pollution

If you live in the ‘burbs, it might be an independently owned ice cream truck, one with a particularly warped jingle, which seems to circle your block all damn day until you can hear it even when it’s not around. But in the city, it’s the Harleys, the Harleys, goddamn the fucking Harleys. I don’t care how small your penis is; it’s no excuse for making your motorcycle sound like a B-52 with a broken muffler. If my car sounded like that, I’d get a ticket every damn night. Because of assholes on Harleys, you can expect to miss crucial pieces of dialogue on the TV during the day, and to jolt awake at 4am when they all exit the bar and rev their engines for 15 minutes before finally leaving.

And then there’s other type of noise-pushing city jerk, the one who is willing to permanently damage his eardrums and his car’s undercarriage by playing crappy R&B at volumes that no human could possibly enjoy. Listen guys: rolling down the windows and blasting a tune loud enough so people can hear it is okay. But pointing a giant PA system out of your trunk is just pathetic and desperate. The first thing you need to know about being cool is that trying too hard just isn’t. You suck; you diminish the quality of life wherever you go. Why? I don’t know, but I’ve been collecting rocks, and not because I think they’re pretty.


Seasonally Inappropriate Dress by the Homeless


The intensity of the sun has begun to redden the extremities of your arachnid form, and the ground level heat and humidity is brutal and inescapable. You begin to think about camping on the concrete floor in your basement; the notion that exile in Buffalo means preferring winter to summer taunts your fragile psyche. That is when you have your first sighting. He stands in the summer swelter uninterested in shedding his layers. He smoothes his thick dirty beard while examining a creased beer can. He is wearing old work boots, long dirty pants, a wool sweater, a greasy winter parka, and a ski cap. He moves little – like the summer bison of Delaware Park. And while the rest of us suffer, he seems perfectly comfortable.


Contractor Fraud

Summer is the season for home improvement projects and the accompanying rise in fly-by-night contractors who have a tendency to cut and run. Does the deal sound too good to be true? Perhaps it is. Here are 10 things that may tip you off:

10. A trucker cap that was never intended as a fashion statement

9. Any item associated with the State of Florida

8. Skin tanned to rawhide brown

7. Attempts to light a broken or wet cigarette

6. Severe dental problems

5. A beleaguered, bored pregnant woman in the front seat of the truck who seems to know it’s just a numbers game

4. An unbuckled child riding in the center seat (‘projectile’)

3. Power tools that lack serial numbers but have conspicuous sandpaper scars

2. A truck equipped like it came from the set of “Sanford and Son”

1. Unusually low estimates accompanied by unusually high pressure for a deposit


The Tonawanda Canal Fest

Do you routinely fake injury for workman’s comp? Does your 10-speed have a set of snow chains for all season use? If yes to either, you already have July 17-24 penciled in your calendar. For the rest, get ready for the Tonawanda Canal Fest, the area’s annual celebration of all things dirt bag. Celebrating white trash heritage for it’s 23rd year, this year’s festival promises to deliver all the cheap beer, foul language, and skin tight Levi’s you can handle. They have a car cruise, parades, live music, and a good ol’ fashioned tug o’ war lined up. Just make sure you leave your anti-war, liberal views at home, unless you want your face squeezed through a sewer grate like a soft potato through a fry-slicer. Sure, you can cannonball from a brown paper bag on the canal’s bank any day of the year. During Canal Fest, you can bring it to the streets.


Cornfest: Riots and Hippie Rape

What happens when tie-dyed campers invade a small town in Upstate New York? If it’s 1969, a peaceful music festival that will be rehashed ad naseum as a pop culture touchstone. If it’s more recent times at the Eden Cornfest, running battles between the cops and rural ruffians. The Eden Gestapo got tough with the drug-crazed loonies last time and commenced banging heads, and you can be sure they’ll be ready for them this year.

Last year’s four-day event featured eight Methodist-sponsored BBQ’d meat events, six “Beer Barn” activities, five Civil War demonstrations, the “Festival Queen Pageant,” an auto show, and a riveting performance from the Liberty Cloggers. But that’s just white noise. Go for one of two reasons: to swallow some Sunshine, or get muddy and clothesline a cop. Either way, it’s good times!

The Legacy of the Crabb Brothers

Laws require that all signs in Canada be bilingual. Therefore it is now “de rigueur” to wear denim to the beach on Lake Erie. The fashion can be traced to Crystal Beach, where the Crabb brothers were rolling wet down the dunes and stealing wallets from unsuspecting Americans on holiday during the early 1970s. They were never prosecuted and their reign of terror lasted many years, but they have since settled into a quiet life running a Beer Store in Ridgeway. Now it’s their many waifs walking the sand, boomboxes in hand, blaring Def Leppard, denim dripping all the way. And that is “chic” in any language.


Landscapers on the Loose

You feel the tension first, and as you twist around to face it, a hoarse voice yells, “Hey, baby! Can I get a burger with that shake?” You glimpse their grins as a truckload of landscapers rolls by. A young woman walking on the sidewalk pretends she hasn’t heard, but of course she has, and so has everyone else, which is why they are gaping. Hoots and a drowning Rebel yell are the last sounds as the truck rumbles away. It is summer, and the plows have been removed from the pickups. Leering, shirtless men are now in the back. They have come for your women. Not even God can save them!


Zoar Valley Death Toll

“Dude, it’s like so high up here on these cliffs. I mean, I’m like really stoned. Dude... where’d you go?” Thus another teenager falls to his death outside Gowanda. It’s a classic coming of age tale. Terrible!

Fireworks Accidents

It is common sense that you shouldn’t hold lit fireworks in each hand, because what are you supposed to do with your beer then? To avoid the hospital this Independence Day:

1. Don’t throw lit firecrackers at your friends, no matter how funny it seems. Bottle-rocket wars are better.

2. Don’t try to light a cigarette with the flaming wick of your explosive device. You may really be jonesing, but this can go bad very quickly.

3. Roman candles make excellent wands of destruction, until they get into someone’s hair.

4. Wait until after you’re almost out of fireworks before you break out the hard liquor.

5. Do not pour the hard liquor on the fireworks while lighting a cigarette.
Happy exploding!

Funkytown

If you pay attention, you can actually smell summer coming to Buffalo: basically, it smells like untreated sewage. The hotter it gets, the stronger the stench emanating from our sewer drains and manhole covers. It’s worse than usual this year, in part due to a hopelessly incompetent sewer authority. Then there’s also that nice algae smell and taste the tap water takes on…mm-mm! You can even taste it through the Kool-Aid powder!

Babe-tastic

Last but not least, summer is the time of year we get to do what we really want: watch semi-nude women sweat. It’s good to have a porch or balcony to do this from, but a sidewalk patio will do in a pinch. Let yourself go and spend some time attending to your inner lecher; you’ll be glad you did. Just try not to vocalize too much; the “hey baby” approach is surprisingly unsuccessful, considering how many men try it on a daily basis. If you’re really looking to score, try our patented technique: get her drunk, duh!

Kingdom Bound

It just wouldn’t be summer without Kirk Cameron telling us how we’re all going to hell. This year, some intrepid folks are going costumed to this 4-day Christian fest to, shall we say, challenge the faithful. Too bad they have to listen to that music.

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