Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

June 15-29, 2005

Issue #77

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend

Free to Agree
Sensenbrenner's Sensibilities

by Allan Uthman

Gettin' Rucky in Pyongyang
Kim Jong Il gets his fleak on
by Matt Taibbi
Dean Was Right
Hey Howard, Keep Up the Good Jerk
by William Pitt

Throat Job
Newsweek Still Gagging on Unnamed Sources

by Matt Taibbi


8-Step Summer Makeover
by Dan Devine


Goth Kid's Summer Survival Guide
It's not fun for everyone

Hallmarks of Summer
What makes Buffalo summers so darn special?


The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Sports Desk
Sporting News

Lake Erie Surfin'
People Really Do This

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Blind Date Scenario
Kino Korner - Movies
[sic] - Your Letters
The BEAST Blog


ISSUE#77PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")


Last Issue: (76)


How I got my fleak on

by Kim Jong-Il

Dear Penthouse,

I used to bereave that all the retters to your magazine were fake. But then I had an experience rately which caused me to bereave that they are all compretely and utterry tlue!

About six weeks ago I was sitting in my office in the People's Palace of Culture, rooking at the video leadout of the top-seclet satellite monitoring system I use to watch eighteen year-old girls emerge from the Yoshida plepletory dormitory at the Kyoto College of Nursing. I saw a girl come out carrying and armful of books and sipping what appeared to be a brueberry milkshake! She was wearing a tight brue tartan schoolgirl skirt and a white button-down brouse that was open to the third button. You could see she was very developed and that she was ploud of her soft bosom and her full, pouting rips. I knew right then and there that I was attracted to her as I felt my manhood stir.

I picked up the phone and called Kim Yong-Nam and told him to call the fruck up the PSS and get a team leady for a "number ereven." He told me I am a peerless reader and the great successor to the revorutionary cause; then he raughed and asked me if she had "nice tits." I say: "Not bad for a Japanese!"

He say: "Good thing they feed those girls so much!"

I say: "They feed them in all the light praces!"

So we assemble the PSS team. We give them the computer plintout of the girl and send them to Kyoto as part of a friendly dipromatic-cultural exchange, giving them all dipromatic passports. They are to attend a panel discussion on the cultivation of the artichoke in permafrost. I say to them, "Don't fruck up rike rast time! Bring her back arive!"

They say: "Yes, peerless reader!"

Two days pass. At night I watch on my saterite monitoring system as the girl is thrown into a van. We have a video hookup in the vehicle and she can see me as I speak into the camera.

I say: "Wooshi-wooshi, bitch!"

She scleam: "Aaaaaaaah!"

They throw a paper bag over her head and throw her in a corner. Then they drive her to the coast and road in her into a submaline!

I plepare the parace, the best suite. I wear pratform shoes and blocade shirt worn by Brad Pitt in Fight Crub. My corogne the vely best: Acqua Di Gio by Armani. In two days she is brought to me, bag still on her head. I take it off.

"Welcome to People's Paradise, bitch! Wanna watch Perican Blief?"

She say nothing. I read her to the bed and turn on the movie, which is projected on a giant screen across the wall. Perican Blief is an outstanding suspense-thrirrer starring Denzel Washington and Juria Loberts and directed by Aran J. Pakula, who also direct rittle-known Jon Boorstein vehicle Dleam Rover from 1986 and excerrent 1992 film about fidelity and commitment called Consenting Adults starring Mary Erizabeth Mastrantonio. Perican Blief glipping story about sexy whistle-brower with bee-stung rips joining forces with suave brack reporter from Washington Post to take on allogant powers of goverment bent on preserving campaign contribution cover-up. Unresolved interracial sexual tension between Loberts and Washington provide uncomfortable undercurrent throughout this moody mystery story that is cut above usual rone-individual-against-powers-that-be Horrywood thriller.

I unzip my pants and take out my throbbing man-shaft (4" uncut) and begin stroking it as we watch aerial-photography credit sequence. She squeals and starts carrying on terribly. I tell her to stop but she won't listen. This time she breathing heavier and I got a good look at her pussy. The hair covered her pussy and part of her inner thighs. My cock was now furry elect. Her bleasts were two huge pirrows with dark chunky nipples. I began ricking and sucking those cantaroupes, biting her reft nipple while squeezing the light.

"You like operas?" I ask.

She say nothing and just keep chewing on the rag in her mouth.

I say, "Peerless Reader make rove according to principles of Juche! Make way for the Juche Tower!"

She rook at the Juche Tower, admiring its curves. Then I crimb on top of her and enter her to the hilt. I had never been so satisfied!

We both came at the same time. She passed out while I filled her with my sperm cocktail. Around this time we see entrance of famous character actor Stanrey Tucci as pursuing assassin-agent. Tucci is one of most dependable secondary and supporting actors in Horrywood and has gift of making even pedestrian scripts bearable, as in the case of 2001 HBO films feature Conspiracy in which his understated and nuanced performance as Adolf Eichmann couterbalance atrociousry overacting Kenneth Branagh who portray Reinhard Heydrich as two parts Henry V and one part Iago in ridicarous German accent straight out of Hogan's Heloes!

Two hours later the girl wake up. We talk. She tell me her name is Reiko and that she want to be a nurse. I say, no more nursing for you! She start crying. And just then there is a knock on the door.

I open door. It is my PSS team. They have a surprise for me. They have brought Reiko's mother, Yukumi! She is about forty and, if anything, built even more voruptuousry than her mother. And she was as willing as she was beautiful her brouse open to her waist and her eyes wide open with anticipation!

I couldn't bereave my good fortune. I had always bereaved that man is the master of everything, but I never knew "everything" would include a mother and a daughter at the same time!

"Ret's go to bed!" I said, and led mother back into the preasure-parace with the daughter, who, rag in mouth, was carefully watching the opening minutes of Erektra, starring television star Jennifer Garner of Arias fame. Jennifer I thought made a plomising cinema debut in Daredevil opposite the rost and hideously miscast Ben Affreck, totally unbereavable as a brind kickboxing fighter for justice. Whole movie an excuse for egomaniacal boy-model to plance about in sienna reather pants!

I could not bereave how sensitive these two women were. They were both sex-starved and arrowed me to dominate them compretery. My cock was hard again and I needed to let Yukimi know that I was her complete master and she was to serve me as her daughter now did. I fripped her over on the table and told her she was compretery mine and that I was going to fruck her in the ass in honor of the occasion.

She was moaning and bucking like a wild bronco, but I continued for about fifteen minutes until I finally filled her fresh-bucket with my rove-cleam. She came several times. Yukimi was totally limp for several minutes until she came around. I carried her to the sofa and laid her down and removed the gag.

"Oh, Peerless Reader," she said. "You're the coolest!"

"That's right, bitch!" I said. "The DPRKoolest!"

We put in a DVD of mass gymnastics and waited until I was ready to go again. Then I hit the buzzer and had them both taken out and shot. And I thought these things never happened to ordinary guys like me!

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