Reviews by Michael Gildea
and Mrs. Smith
so often, youíll hear through the supermarket tabloid grapevine
about a celebrity couple. And youíll hear about it with
the same rotation that youíll hear an Ashlee Simpson song
on a hideous top 40 radio station. In other words, constantly.
Oh sure, for about thirty seconds, the same part of you
that would go to a public stoning or hanging is† vaguely
intrigued, but for the rest of the six months that youíre
hearing about them over and over, you come to hate said
the torrid romances that the new IT couples are involved
in always begin on the set of the big summer movie that
theyíre working on. Remember a couple of years ago when
you couldnít so much as chug a bottle of cough syrup without
hearing about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez? It was repulsive!
came Gigli. All the hype. All the candid low-quality
photos. All the buildup! Then what happened? If you didnít
see the movie in one of its first two showings, you didnít
get to see it. It got pulled because it was such an assault
on the senses that the studio didnít want to get hit with
millions of emotional damages lawsuits that they didnít
stand a chance in hell of winning. And Iím sure the terrible
reviews didnít help either.
here we are. A couple of years later and we run into the
same scenario. Brad Pitt shitcanned a generically dull†
Jennifer Aniston a good five months ago and traded up for
irresistible devil woman and Mr. and Mrs. Smith co-star
Angelina Jolie. And weíve been hearing about it ever since.
now the movieís out and so is the jury. And shockingly,
it isnít that bad. Pitt and Jolie play a married pair of
assassins stuck in a marriage as boring as the one Pitt
was in with Aniston. So you can see how easy it must have
been for Pitt to relate to the material. So they donít know
that the other oneís a killer until theyíre sent to kill
each other and well... you get the idea.
and Jolie have more chemistry than Affleck and Lopezís ass
had, which is a plus. And the fact that Doug Liman, who
directed such underground hits as Swingers and Go,
not to mention The Bourne Identity definitely helps
out here. Even though the main characters are two of the
most attractive people on the planet, they have the whole
show stolen from them by Vince Vaughn, who plays the fellow
and Mrs. Smith isnít phenomenal and it isnít terrible.
As far as its place in the summer movie lineup, itís the
okay looking girl in a group of skanks. By comparison, sheís
a goddess. But if you get her alone, youíre going to realize
that you may have sold yourself short.
Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D
director and cinematic maverick Robert Rodriguez made the
best movie of the year (Sin City) he did a trilogy
of kidsí movies called Spy Kids. If you were a die-hard
fan of Rodriguezís work, or a kid who could sit through
just about anything, you appreciated those movies, but were
ultimately glad when Rodriguez said he was hanging up the
brings us to Sin City. It was gritty, visceral, and
downright fun in a truly sadistic way. And it made up for
the fact that one of the best directors around was putting
all of his energy into kidsí movies. It was like having
one of your friends blow you off three times in a row, then
making up for it with an all expenses paid trip to Vegas.
You were disappointed, but you quickly got over it.
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D,
our buddy Rodriguez is blowing us off again. It looks like
Spy Kids, it sounds like Spy Kids, and it
gives off the same energy as Spy Kids.
just like the last Spy Kids movie, itís done in 3-D.
I remember watching movies in 3-D when I was a kid.
But I donít remember watching a movie because it was that
specific movie. Hell, I would have watched The Ten Commandments
if it was in 3-D. You could have Ishtar in 3-D
or 2 Fast 2 Furious in 3-D and people would go to see
it. You can hide the worst movie ever as long as you drop
the words ďin 3-DĒ in the title. Miss Congeniality
as I believe I mentioned in my review for Spy Kids 3-D,
the one-blue-eye-and-one-red-eye kind of 3-D doesnít really
work. Most of the film is in 3-D, which takes away
from the story, turning the finished product into a special
effects circle jerk. The Adventures of Shark Boy and
Lava Girl in 3-D wouldíve been much better off without
the gimmicks. Even if it is a kidsí movie.
the cool thing about The Adventures of Shark Boy and
Lava Girl in 3-D is that Rodriguez co-wrote it with
his son, Racer. This goes to show that he doesnít give a
ratís ass what anyone else but his family thinks about this
film. Itís just like that friend who blew you off. You canít
be mad at them if it was their kidís birthday, can you?
what would a abhorrent summer at the movies be without a
television show turned into a movie. If The Honeymooners
is any indication of what to expect when Bewitched
and The Dukes of Hazzard hit the screens later this
summer, the goddamned heatís going to be the least of our
problems this summer.
avoid the mistakes that other TV movies have made in the
past, the writers of The Honeymooners have turned
a fat white guy and a skinny white guy into a fat black
guy and a skinny black guy. Some people are so creative.
of the charm of the original Honeymooners show was that
you knew it was going to be over within a half hour. You
donít get that luxury here. This is like getting a marathon
when you can get through at best two episodes without losing
your shit. And at least in that sort of situation you can
say that at least you didnít pay to go through that ordeal.
here you canít. Youíre paying actual cash to see a pair
of idiots flounder around as a bad situation quickly becomes
a terrible one. To make matters worse, Alice is still a
nagging bitch just like she was on the television show.
only good thing about The Honeymooners is that the
otherwise boring Cedric the Entertainer doesnít act like
a waddling Jackie Gleason impersonator. And Mike Epps doesnít
act like a black Art Carney.
than that, The Honeymooners sucked. I can see a copy
of this movie on DVD being carried around in a case along
with other implements of torture by some sadistic bastard.
Either that or a photo album of all the bad tattoos I saw
at the Allentown Art Festival. Maybe both.
know, Iíve said it before and Iíll say it again. I hate
Russell Crowe, but I respect the man. You hear stories about
him getting arrested for throwing phones at people (okay,
maybe heís not so bad) and you see interviews with him as
he sits back and lets his enormous ego do the driving.
then he puts out great performances in everything he does
and I kind of let it slide.
is reunited with his A Beautiful Mind director Ron
Howard for Cinderella Man. If youíre not familiar
with obscure boxers from the depression era, Cinderella
Man is about an obscure boxer from the depression era
who inspired the country to tough it out just a little bit
longer. Riches to rags to riches sort of thing.
you saw Seabiscuit a couple of summers ago, youíre
basically watching the same thing and if you didnít like
that, youíre probably not going to be into Cinderella
Man that much. But if you did get choked up watching
that big dumb animal overcome all obstacles, youíll probably
weep like a baby watching another big dumb (yet likable)
animal as he rises above.
Man also features Renee Zellweger, who despite marrying
a hick musician still has that look on her face. You know
the one Iím talking about. That squint she constantly has
like she just got punched square in the nose, but thereís
no blood coming out of her nostrils. Youíre seeing one thing
and another thing should be happening as a result. And the
fact that itís not happening is just screwing with your
reality in a big, big way.
would I recommend Cinderella Man? Sure. But take
into account that this is coming from a guy whoís a sucker
for period pieces from the early 1900's and boxing movies.
So yeah, Iím a little biased. Iíd also recommend it because
itíll be a welcome break from the crap at the local multiplex.
time skateboarding makes a comeback, a terrible movie comes
out to let it know that itís worn out its welcome. Back
in the late Ď80s when the Tony Hawk shirts were all the
rage, the final nail in the coffin was the Christian Slater
movie Gleaming the Cube. It was a terrible movie
and painted a picture of how skaters were viewed. Of course,
anyone who genuinely loved skating kept doing it and didnít
make a big deal out of it.
to a few years ago: The powers that be decided that skateboarding
and extreme sports in general were cool again. Not to mention
MTV fueling Bam Margeraís dipshit impulses. Between Bam
and seeing skaters in juice box commercials, weíve all been
waiting for the end.
happy to say that I think itís finally here. Donít get me
wrong, I think itís really cool to watch the occasional
skate video, maybe because I lack the grace and physical
ability to even pull off a one-inch ollie, let alone travel
six feet on a skateboard.
a few years back, there was a documentary made by skating
legend Stacy Peralta called Dogtown and Z-Boys. This
documentary featured actual footage of the guys who started
pro skating. It was wild. But with Lords of Dogtown,
youíre just watching a movie version of it and I think itís
safe to say that itís way more interesting to watch the
originals do it.
wrote the script for Lords of Dogtown, and even though
the movie looks like California in the Ď70s, it just doesnít
get any ďmad air.Ē Youíre better off with the documentary
or hitting the local skate park. And for Godís sake, knock
it off with the stupid-ass baggy pants. Buy a pair that
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
thought a lot about The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
as I checked my e-mail and ditched the spam. I thought about
using a spam filter that works by ditching mail according
to certain words in the subject lines.
I thought about how there should be a shitty movie filter
that works on the same premise. Vanquish movies with certain
words in the title. Maybe words like ďtwoĒ or ďthree.Ē Definitely
ďfour.Ē But one word that should guarantee a death sentence
for any movie is ďsisterhoodĒ If you disagree, go and check
out Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.†
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants kind of works
on the same horrible concept. One pair of jeans. Four friends
with different shapes. A clever concept of wearing them
for one week and shipping the traveling pants to the next
one. Terrible, terrible, terrible. And to make things worse,
the girl from ďJoan of ArcadiaĒ and the alien from ďGilmour
GirlsĒ both star in it.
nothing Iíve said yet is deterring you from the trainwreck
of the traveling pants, just go. Good fucking luck. If you
canít see the horror that this movie contains in the trailer
with the Kelly Clarkson song playing, you deserve anything
and everything that happens to you. You deserve Jehovahís
witnesses hosting a kegger at your house when you get home.
You deserve ingrown toenails and the abusive co-dependent
relationship youíve been in for the last six years without
even the slightest mention of engagement. You deserve chronic
diarrhea. Athleteís foot, thrush, rickets, gout, angina,
anemia, black lung, shortness of breath, loss of appetite,
jaundice, and yellow toenails.