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BEAST-O-SCOPES
 Gemini
(May 21 –June 20)
Gemini, remember that commercial we saw last week
that was a scene using the minutes from a real meeting of
tobacco executives? The men were discussing the use of Mr.
Frosty-like trucks that would drive around playing a similar
tune but instead of ice cream they sell cigarettes. I was
just thinking about how cool that would be. I would buy cigarettes
from those guys all the time and even take the time to get
to know the cigarette truck guy. It’s actually an inventive
and bold marketing concept that had to go into the trash can
only to be ridiculed by self-righteous assheads. Fucking Liberals
are always picking the wrong fights.
 Cancer
(June 21-July 22)
I know how frustrating it can be to watch the news
these days, Cancer. It’s like staring into a parallel
universe locked inside a well-machined Orwellian nightmare.
Instead the slow and terrible horror movie realization begins
to set in as the pieces come together and you realize that
you are in that world. Its ok Cancer, it happens to a lot
of us. I won’t lie to you and say things will ever be
100% normal again but you’ll be better after some adjusting.
Might I suggest taking up a hobby?
 Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo, so the big medical marijuana vote comes down
as a big No and there on CNN are the well dressed, well spoken
and ignorant antagonists in the story of legalized drugs and
opposite them is our protagonist; a long haired pseudo intellectual
in a polo shirt saying “It comes from the earth just
like us,” and “It grows free like berries and
therefore there is no reason to make it illegal” Well
a lot of things that come from the earth (including some berries)
will kill you ass stone dead. Fucking lava comes from the
earth and you don’t see anyone arguing about that. The
real point is that marijuana is harmless and in many cases
can be beneficial to those suffering from illness. Everyone
knows it but we’ll never get anywhere because the proponents
are too busy hiding in their basements blowing smoke though
a used cardboard tube with a fabric softener sheet stuffed
into the other end. Until they realize it’s also covering
the smell of their indignity. Until then, just let the stupid
hippie take his knife to a gunfight.
 Virgo
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgo, I’ve been trying to make these things
shorter and punchier, sometimes it works and other times it
doesn’t. Just like your penis.
 Libra
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Hey Libra, I know you were really drunk the other
night but when exactly did you realize that Taurus had shit
in the bread dip? From my estimates it was shortly after the
fourth piece of pumpernickel. Some of the guys are betting
me it was on the fifth but I think you were just too horrified
to accept the truth. Please tell the truth because the pool
is getting large. I also wanted you to know your nickname
isn’t “Shaky” anymore, it’s been changed
to “Shit-mouth.”
 Scorpio
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorpio, I was thinking about how much fun it is
to go to a strip club. If I were a rich man I would probably
go to the Canadian ballet and stare at naked women while eating
dinner at least twice a week. It’s just fucking awesome
and not to mention relaxing. There are always going to be
the “whoo-whoo” guys, but you can ignore them.
After an adequate meal I might even treat myself to a lap
dance before going home. It would really be quite wonderful.
I just wish our tight ass politicians and their tight ass
constituents would realize how much damage done to the local
economy by letting all that money disappear over the border.
 Sagittarius
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Hey Sagittarius, I saw a commercial for Preparation
H gel the other day and was watching the actors talk about
how great and soothing it is but without bringing up the point
that the relief comes only by smearing it all over your inflamed
chalky starfish. I think that part was left out because it
kind of sucks unless you like smearing gel all over your browneye.
It basically boils down to there being no dignified way to
treat hemorrhoids.
 Capricorn
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn, I can’t believe you drank that entire
cup on hot sauce on a dare. Was the five bucks you made worth
the last three days of magma-like diarrhea? You dumb bastard,
why do you let yourself get wrapped up in these dares? Is
it to be your legacy? All I know is that this is worse than
the time you stuck your dick in the anthill.
 Aquarius
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius, your tits are my Valhalla. Please let this
noble warrior through your gates to walk down the great hall
of Boobs to the comfort of his final resting place. I beg
thee oh gatekeeper, let me at those titties.
 Pisces
(Feb 19-March 20)
Pisces, I had to go to seven fucking stores to get
an air conditioner. By the seventh store I would have killed
for a giant ice cube and hand fan and those bastard sales
guys knew it. Of course the cheap model was sold out and I
had to spend more than I wanted in order to sleep. Fuck you
Rosa’s sales guy, you and your bright yellow tie.
 Aries
(March 21-April 19)
Aries, have you ever wondered what life would be
like if you had made sensible financial decisions when you
were younger? A whole lot better is the answer. You should
accept some blame for it, Aries, but it’s not entirely
your fault. We live in a society that believes you are too
young to drink “responsibly” at the age of eighteen
but it’s perfectly all right to join the military and
learn to kill and die with “honor.” It’s
also all right to carry as many credit cards with obscene
credit limits as you can find flyers for in your college student
union. Sure you can ignore the flyers, but in case you do
they have little kiosks set up in heavy traffic areas with
cool free gifts if you just sign up for a new charge card.
If you really want to put a face on it, Aries just think about
it as indentured servitude with a longer leash. I could go
on but I’m sure you get the point. It’s time to
wake up Aries, and realize men of great evil run this world.
You just need to decide what side you’re on.
 Taurus
(April 20-May 20)
Well Taurus, you’ve gone and ruined another
party with your drunken antics. How you keep getting invited
to social events is beyond the wisdom of even the stars. I
think however that you have finally blacklisted yourself.
If calling the host’s girlfriend a “dumb cunt”
wasn’t the final nail in your social coffin, taking
a shit in the bread dip was. Sorry Taurus, but it’s
county fairs and lawn fetes for you from now on.
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