Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

June 15-29, 2005

Issue #77

  .........................Buffalo's Best Fiend

Free to Agree
Sensenbrenner's Sensibilities

by Allan Uthman

Gettin' Rucky in Pyongyang
Kim Jong Il gets his fleak on
by Matt Taibbi
Dean Was Right
Hey Howard, Keep Up the Good Jerk
by William Pitt

Throat Job
Newsweek Still Gagging on Unnamed Sources

by Matt Taibbi


8-Step Summer Makeover
by Dan Devine


Goth Kid's Summer Survival Guide
It's not fun for everyone

Hallmarks of Summer
What makes Buffalo summers so darn special?


The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Sports Desk
Sporting News

Lake Erie Surfin'
People Really Do This

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Blind Date Scenario
Kino Korner - Movies
[sic] - Your Letters
The BEAST Blog


ISSUE#77PDF FILE (right-click & "save target")


Last Issue: (76)


Gemini (May 21 –June 20)
Gemini, remember that commercial we saw last week that was a scene using the minutes from a real meeting of tobacco executives? The men were discussing the use of Mr. Frosty-like trucks that would drive around playing a similar tune but instead of ice cream they sell cigarettes. I was just thinking about how cool that would be. I would buy cigarettes from those guys all the time and even take the time to get to know the cigarette truck guy. It’s actually an inventive and bold marketing concept that had to go into the trash can only to be ridiculed by self-righteous assheads. Fucking Liberals are always picking the wrong fights.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I know how frustrating it can be to watch the news these days, Cancer. It’s like staring into a parallel universe locked inside a well-machined Orwellian nightmare. Instead the slow and terrible horror movie realization begins to set in as the pieces come together and you realize that you are in that world. Its ok Cancer, it happens to a lot of us. I won’t lie to you and say things will ever be 100% normal again but you’ll be better after some adjusting. Might I suggest taking up a hobby?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo, so the big medical marijuana vote comes down as a big No and there on CNN are the well dressed, well spoken and ignorant antagonists in the story of legalized drugs and opposite them is our protagonist; a long haired pseudo intellectual in a polo shirt saying “It comes from the earth just like us,” and “It grows free like berries and therefore there is no reason to make it illegal” Well a lot of things that come from the earth (including some berries) will kill you ass stone dead. Fucking lava comes from the earth and you don’t see anyone arguing about that. The real point is that marijuana is harmless and in many cases can be beneficial to those suffering from illness. Everyone knows it but we’ll never get anywhere because the proponents are too busy hiding in their basements blowing smoke though a used cardboard tube with a fabric softener sheet stuffed into the other end. Until they realize it’s also covering the smell of their indignity. Until then, just let the stupid hippie take his knife to a gunfight.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgo, I’ve been trying to make these things shorter and punchier, sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t. Just like your penis.


Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Hey Libra, I know you were really drunk the other night but when exactly did you realize that Taurus had shit in the bread dip? From my estimates it was shortly after the fourth piece of pumpernickel. Some of the guys are betting me it was on the fifth but I think you were just too horrified to accept the truth. Please tell the truth because the pool is getting large. I also wanted you to know your nickname isn’t “Shaky” anymore, it’s been changed to “Shit-mouth.”

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorpio, I was thinking about how much fun it is to go to a strip club. If I were a rich man I would probably go to the Canadian ballet and stare at naked women while eating dinner at least twice a week. It’s just fucking awesome and not to mention relaxing. There are always going to be the “whoo-whoo” guys, but you can ignore them. After an adequate meal I might even treat myself to a lap dance before going home. It would really be quite wonderful. I just wish our tight ass politicians and their tight ass constituents would realize how much damage done to the local economy by letting all that money disappear over the border.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Hey Sagittarius, I saw a commercial for Preparation H gel the other day and was watching the actors talk about how great and soothing it is but without bringing up the point that the relief comes only by smearing it all over your inflamed chalky starfish. I think that part was left out because it kind of sucks unless you like smearing gel all over your browneye. It basically boils down to there being no dignified way to treat hemorrhoids.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn, I can’t believe you drank that entire cup on hot sauce on a dare. Was the five bucks you made worth the last three days of magma-like diarrhea? You dumb bastard, why do you let yourself get wrapped up in these dares? Is it to be your legacy? All I know is that this is worse than the time you stuck your dick in the anthill.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius, your tits are my Valhalla. Please let this noble warrior through your gates to walk down the great hall of Boobs to the comfort of his final resting place. I beg thee oh gatekeeper, let me at those titties.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
Pisces, I had to go to seven fucking stores to get an air conditioner. By the seventh store I would have killed for a giant ice cube and hand fan and those bastard sales guys knew it. Of course the cheap model was sold out and I had to spend more than I wanted in order to sleep. Fuck you Rosa’s sales guy, you and your bright yellow tie.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, have you ever wondered what life would be like if you had made sensible financial decisions when you were younger? A whole lot better is the answer. You should accept some blame for it, Aries, but it’s not entirely your fault. We live in a society that believes you are too young to drink “responsibly” at the age of eighteen but it’s perfectly all right to join the military and learn to kill and die with “honor.” It’s also all right to carry as many credit cards with obscene credit limits as you can find flyers for in your college student union. Sure you can ignore the flyers, but in case you do they have little kiosks set up in heavy traffic areas with cool free gifts if you just sign up for a new charge card. If you really want to put a face on it, Aries just think about it as indentured servitude with a longer leash. I could go on but I’m sure you get the point. It’s time to wake up Aries, and realize men of great evil run this world. You just need to decide what side you’re on.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Well Taurus, you’ve gone and ruined another party with your drunken antics. How you keep getting invited to social events is beyond the wisdom of even the stars. I think however that you have finally blacklisted yourself. If calling the host’s girlfriend a “dumb cunt” wasn’t the final nail in your social coffin, taking a shit in the bread dip was. Sorry Taurus, but it’s county fairs and lawn fetes for you from now on.

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